Infidelity support thread for the betrayed party

[ppandj]

I recently found out about my partner's affair, which occurred while I was pregnant and had a newborn (plus a toddler). My partner's behaviour was vile to me for a long time (turns out it was part of the guilt of the affair) and I had been considering ending our relationship anyway. Then I found out about the infidelity and our world has come crashing down, we are both devastated and my partner has had a wake up call- all the illusion of his affair has been shattered and he realises what he jeopardised when he made those choices. I have not yet decided what to do long term; whether we stay together depends largely on him and whether he can have a good look at himself and learn his lessons, but also I need to build my self-esteem and think about what I actually want.

Since I found out I have been on MN (more than usual ) and have read some old threads where the betrayed spouses were supporting eachother. I have also seen that there are many coping with this shitty experience currently posting. So I thought maybe we can have a thread to know that we aren't alone.

Better that Slimming world betrayal. Alfie hun you do what you need to to keep sane- it might shock him into change. I’ve told my H he has to get off the phone full stop, go to GA meetings because that was another revelation he’s been hiding his gambling and I’m going to make him tell people what He did.

I don’t want any of this I wish we could go back in time and none of this have happened.

Alfie unfortunately there is no time machine. I started by wishing for one to go back in time and erase my H's affair. But now I wonder if one would exist if I wouldn't use it to go back in time and never meet him. What I discovered about him in the last few months (and more recently the last few weeks) makes me question my sanity every minute of the day. He was my perfect man, my everything but you know what the reality is? You only open your eyes when you go through something traumatic like this, his ability to get on with his life, to sleep while I have nightmares, to eat, to show me he has no true remorse for this (true enough he showed some signs in the early days but it was rapidly overcome by the realisation of "well, I've done it now, I still deserve to be happy and this mental woman isn't willing to get over it in my time requirement so I'll just pretend I understand whole time goes by and let her go through it without me making any changes") show me everyday how idealistic my view of him was.

Truth be told I am waiting now to be stronger, to open my eyes more and more each day and be able to look back at these days and realise I deserve more. And I feel this every day, I feel how a veil comes off my eyes and I see him more and more for what he is, a selfish man who only thinks of himself and his wellbeing regardless of the consequence of his actions.

One day I'll be strong enough.

Amen to that broken!

Brokenlife, you are already starting to heal. It takes time, lots of time, but you WILL get there.

One day, you'll look back and think 'why the hell did I waste so much time and energy on this pathetic, selfish man?'

I am so angry with the way he minimises everything I am over reacting. I am even tempted to text the person he dog walks for saying he won’t be doing Saturday as he went for a drink with v behind my back. Dog owner knows v and some of what went on but need to think it through first

Broken life , you phrased something very well, the ‘get over it within my time requirement’ on occasions when something triggers me, I can sense my DHs impatience and unease. Mainly because he is embarrassed I feel that I know he can be ‘mr twat’ and not ‘mr amazing’ . I would have loved for him to say, I’m so sorry, is something upsetting you , talk to me ! It hasn’t happened though. I just get the unease and a feeling he is thinking ‘for Christ’s sake’ in fact he has said that once or twice.

So, I found out after 11 hours of questioning (KGB here I come) him yesterday that despite him promising to cease all contact with her 3 weeks ago, he had a secret email account set up for OW when the affair commenced and they have been emailing each other since. He says it is because of her personality (she appears to have BPD (Glen Close fatal attraction)) and to ease her out of the relationship. I said f* her feelings and treating her with kid gloves, what about some consideration for mine?! How warped is that thinking? We are due to start Relate soon. Do you think trust can be rebuilt when he has lied throughout the 7 month affair and the 3 weeks since it all came to light too? I'm at rock bottom and hating myself today.

I never cried but couldn't eat for three months unless he was here. I also lost the ability to speak three times and dh took me to hospital when it got to three days.

I partly hurt more that me h has seemed to follow a script when I thought he was lovely and decent. Told him this at the weekend.

Hugs such. Maybe try relate. Then decide.

Such, you can't even begin to try and rebuild when he's constantly pulling away the new foundations i.e. emailing her still etc.

Thanks Alfie and YearOfYouRemember.

That's exactly what I have been saying. Now I have further apologies and promises of no more contact and access to all emails etc. Frankly, I don't believe a word anymore…..

Such did he admit to it or did you discover it? I can't say much about building trust, I have no proof that my H is touch with the ow but I don't actually believe anything so it is a long way to build trust.

yetmorecrap I think they go through the initial shock of it and regret doing thinking if they show some sort of regret it will go away, then suddenly when they realise it doesn't and they can't put it at the back of their mind pretending they are still great people they lose motivation. But I don't care, this is my pain and I need to carry it around every minute of every day, it shouldn't be about them at all. Of course I don't want to live in this pain, I didn't CHOOSE this pain so really, man up and fucking own up to your bad choices and the consequences of it.

And Such I wanted to say, personally I am further down the road so stronger, but for me breaking the no contact agreement is a deal breaker. I am doing some digging now to find if there is contact and he's out if there is. Not only he destroyed my life but I gave him a chance to navigate through this and see if it works out, there are no guarantees anyway because I will not live my life in pain forever, one day I'll look back and if he's not done enough and I am not in a better place I will call it a day.

But if during this time he takes that chance and throws it away (like he did with my happiness and our marriage) even now when he sees the destruction he's caused he's out. Not only out but I have a destruction plan myself, email his HR department, inform all his family, inform the kids the real reason of divorce, inform all his friends and hers. Then I am done.

Not saying you should do that but maybe inform him that it is his last chance? My H knows that so if he's willing to risk it then he shouldn't be with me anyway.

It is for me as well hence the fact this has all kick off again

Brokenlife- I suspected- he denied. I saw something he was checking on his phone, i.e. an email account with an email from her in it- he denied what I saw. I refused his dismissals of it and kept on with the questions adding the threat he will be leaving the house and its over between us because of the lying- he denied. I threatened to contact OW- he denied. I gave him an ultimatum and added some further threats to it- he finally admitted. Apparently, his therapist approved the maintaining contact…. Whatever….I DO NOT BELIEVE A WORD YOU SAY. I keep on saying to him take responsibility for actions, behaviour, judgement and decisions.

I feel beyond repair at the moment.

In my case it’s quite simple he has a choice either no contact with her or with me this has gone on far to long

I'd already told him it was last chance saloon- any contact and he is out. And then I discover the emails. I am not giving any promises or being positive now and said I will give Relate a chance. That's all I can offer.

Today I said that I will tell our child when she is older today and stepson- who is old enough to know-and he says that's vindictive and beneath me. Ha! You fucked another woman for 7 months and lied to me- I will always win on the judging the other. I'm so riled up I am afraid of what I am capable of.

So am I today such so am staying off Facebook etc

Apart from checking if he’s deleted her which of course he hasn’t

Such if you made threats I beg you to follow through. Even if you change your mind later please follow through now. Otherwise he'll continue with his lies because there is no consequence.

I know that if I find there is still contact between my H and the ow in my case I will be broken (if I can be more broken than this) but I swear I will not listen to any excuses or explanations anymore he's out.

Otherwise what's the consequence? I tell you the consequence of your actions, you fool me again, I don't follow through which means you can take me for a ride no matter what because there are endless chances.

I told my H my kids will know about his A no matter what when they are old enough and the raw emotions are gone. They need to know. Not as revenge but as "keep some of your heart for yourself, don't ever trust blindly because nobody is worth that level of trust". If still together we'll decide how to approach it.

If divorced I have already looked into how it is the best to break the news to them without making them believe they aren't loved by both parents. Though I struggle with the concept now, at what point was my H loving his kids when he didn't give them a second thought during his exciting affair?

However I am an adult and I can explain to the kids (well the oldest is 17 soon so he'll hear "your dad had an affair") in appropriate ways if we divorce now that their father broke his promises to me and therefore we are divorcing.

Alfie I hope you keep your strength and follow through. He doesn't deserve you.

It’s devastating isn’t it. Reading everyone’s posts I know how you feel.

My Ex betrayed me by going online and mostly texting other women. Hundreds of them. From the beginning of our relationship, while I was pregnant, our young child. He met up with three.

We stayed together as he was genuinely remorseful, however 3 years on we are breaking up. That cruelty and ruthless streak that enabled him to lie to me for so long still lingers beneath the surface. The cheating has stopped but I should have left then.

I have all his passwords for everything. I’ve been all through his email, I downloaded his Facebook history and I blocked her on his account. They covered their tracks well. I’ve never been that type of person but I have no trust

I really feel for everyone. It’s just horrible. My H swears he’s not in touch with the OW but he works in the city and I’m miles away so how would I ever know (they still work together). He’s supposed to be requesting a transfer to a different department but nothing’s happened yet. If I found concrete evidence that they were still in touch, that would be it.

I still have no clue whether to stay and work at it or leave him. Either option seems really difficult but it’s only for the kids’ sake that I haven’t already kicked him out. I feel definite that if we didn’t have children it would be over as I wouldn’t be willing to put in all the blood, sweat and tears required to rebuild the relationship after what he has done to me.

I too am regularly checking emails, messages, his location, etc and it’s already driving me mad. Is this how my life is going to be from now? I completely trusted him before and if he was late back or staying out for work it wouldn’t have even entered my head that he could be with someone else. I believed everything he said and that’s the sort of relationship I want, not this.