Infidelity support thread for the betrayed party

[ppandj]

I recently found out about my partner's affair, which occurred while I was pregnant and had a newborn (plus a toddler). My partner's behaviour was vile to me for a long time (turns out it was part of the guilt of the affair) and I had been considering ending our relationship anyway. Then I found out about the infidelity and our world has come crashing down, we are both devastated and my partner has had a wake up call- all the illusion of his affair has been shattered and he realises what he jeopardised when he made those choices. I have not yet decided what to do long term; whether we stay together depends largely on him and whether he can have a good look at himself and learn his lessons, but also I need to build my self-esteem and think about what I actually want.

Since I found out I have been on MN (more than usual ) and have read some old threads where the betrayed spouses were supporting eachother. I have also seen that there are many coping with this shitty experience currently posting. So I thought maybe we can have a thread to know that we aren't alone.

I'm abou5 22 months on from him telling me. It is better than it was but there are still moments where it feel so like a knife in me. There are constant triggers or things where she/it pops into my head. I'm scared to be happy and just feel as such but tbh I've always been scared to just enjoy a moment or more of happiness.

brokenpromises I hope you’re ok. I went through the same low. It wasn’t that I wanted to end it as such but if I coukd have gone to sleep and never woken up that would have been fine. The Samaritans were fab and just listened to me pour by heart out. I urge anyone who feels the same to call them.

I don’t know if I’ve posted on this thread before but I’m on many other infidelity threads. It’s 3 months today since d day and fuck, what a rollercoaster.

None of us deserve this but I am so grateful, however shit it is, that I’m not the only one going through this. The support on these threads have been invaluable.

Hi all can I join you little band of helpers please. My best mate of 35*years, god mother of my children and the only female friend i’ve Ever really trusted told me(at a totally horrible time) that 8years ago when both our kids were toddlers/babies she and my dh has an affair. Her h found out 6yrs ago and they have all been lying to me ever since. It lasted a couple of months but at the time I thought we were happy.Our lives are so intertwined and the double betrayal is killing me. They say there was no sex but everything but. I can’t stop shaking - when does this shaking stop? How do I recover from this double betrayal and pick my life up. Dh and I have counselling session booked for Monday and I’m 309mikes away at my sisters. We brought a house with my parents 4 years ago and I’ve live 2 mins round the corner our kids are so close they could be siblings and yes I did ask if her youngest is actually my husbands. I can’t eat and I can’t sleep and the shaking is so bad

Screaming I'm sorr6 you've had no replies. I have seen your thread and think I commented. You have had a huge shock which will make you question so many things. You need time to process and work through your own feelings. I'd be staying away from her and her h. If there is any chance the child could be your h I would be doing a dna tests, even if it has to be secret. Keep your fluids up even if you can't eat. I hope the counselling goes okay. Dh and I had a few sessions but found it made things worse as the day of the appointment I found it was hanging over me. Some people find it a great help. Don't be afraid to not go back if the counsellor doesn't work for you. There are plenty of others available.

Thank you. It’s all very raw

Screaming, post as much as you like. I can't even imagine how much pain you're in xxx

So I spent the weekend at my sisters and asked them both for full disclosure which I got. It seems like this is a wake up call for H as he is desperate to fix this. He had admitted to being a c@nt for the last few years and is accepting everything I’m asking and throwing at him. Counselling session to night. We shared a bed last night and I feel emotionally drained this morning, I can’t stop the images in my head. OW text this morning and I sat outside work crying and shaking for 20mins before coming in. Every memory I have is tainted and I can’t see a way past it.

Oh @Screaminginsideme I remember the early days so well it is just absolutely horrible. You will be in total shock I imagine. There is a hideous rollercoaster of emotions waiting for you, but that is normal and to be expected. Please allow yourself to feel however you feel and heal at your own pace.

The healing will come. There is no set timeline for it but you will begin to heal eventually and the raw, painful moments will happen less frequently and won't last as long. Life will never be the same again, but that doesn't mean it won't be good again. Right now, focus on the next day at a time and do what feels right for you. You don't need to make any decisions yet.

Have you anyone else to speak to IRL?

@Screaminginsideme Its crap isn't it, the shaking is unreal, mine lasted about a week, and then would just start up again without warning. I have lost over a stone in 3 weeks, I do think the shaking is shock, I still cry every day, but today was the first day I drove home from work and didn't cry. I am still on the roller coaster of emotions, I still cant go in my house without having a full movie in my head of what they did and where they did it (I wish now I hadn't asked so many questions) :(
I have not been to counselling yet but will need to as I don't think I can do this much longer. I know how you feel and its sh#t, I would not wish this on anyone x

Hugs to everyone. I don’t even know if I should be here as it wasn’t a physical affair and it wasn’t even sexting but his “friendship” causes problems including him at one point leaving the marital home. The deleting texts being secretive etc has caused trust issues which as nothing happened he struggles to understand. This was about 2 years ago she cut contact not him we have generally been ok especially the last 6 months. Until today I randomly check her Facebook and see he has met her while out dog walking on Saturday nothing odd as she lives local and we have bumped into her before. Until I see a place I don’t recognise so scroll down and she’s checked herself into a nearby pub. He went for a drink with her didn’t tell me obviously knew I would kick off and thought he would get away with it. Going to the pub after dog walking isn’t his normal routine ffs

Yes I have been uncontrollably shaking today and sorry tmi had wet armpits so paranoid I was smelly in work think it’s just stress. Had vertigo and a slightly sore ear all week but now my vertigo is horrendous after finding out he took her put for a drink

Hi everyone, I've posted upthread on pp 2, 10 and 11.
Last year, H and booby skank had a date on Valentine's Day,(3 days after she'd got back from her honeymoon). For the first time in 27 years, H didn't give me a card with a loving kiss, I found it when I went to my car , tucked under the windscreen wiper, in the morning on my way to work.
Valentine's Day is \was always a but sensitive because I miscarried our first baby at 4 months on Feb 14th.
So, he had a date last year on Valentine's Day with booby skank and have her a card, kisses, boob gropes etc.
This year, H says he doesn't want us to send cards or mark the day because it will bring back too many painful memories. I feel a bit, well, for 27 years I've marked this day with this man. Why should the memory of this trollop affect my life? I've never met the slag so why should she dictate my life?
Am I over thinking this and should just let it go this year?
I'm still hurting....I found out about it on my birthday last year....which is now just 6 weeks away...

No nobody should forget and move on. The people who did the betraying have no idea what we are feeling. They’ve delt with it so why can’t we is the attitude I’m seeing on various threads. It’s over so it’s gone. Well it will never go.

Hey Alfie, remember you well, it’s the bloody secrecy that gets me, same as you. I don’t think they get that!! Even when bugger all is going on

I just want my life back, but I know its gone. I was happy. I still just want to curl up and die, but can't do it to the kids. I have always put my family first over everything, I don't understand how he could do this to us and In our home, Will I ever understand?

Me to he thinks he’s done nothing wrong and isn’t speaking to me I’ve just lost it and thrown his lunch across the room. Which is totally not me i don’t want to be like this I want him to understand why I think he’s out of order even if he doesn’t agree but to accept he’s hurt me

And now he’s gone out I’ve turned into a sobbing mess

And he’s added her on Facebook again ggrrr

I am so so sorry you are all going through this. I read your posts and recognise myself in all of it and I wonder how can I willingly chose this for myself? How can I willingly put myself through all this hyper vigilance every day while he's at work? How can I willingly chose to be a wreck and check phone, emails, social media? When did I start believing this is an acceptable way of living my life? When did I start thinking I need to babysit my adult husband so he doesn't engage with another woman?!

I've never in my life behaved like this. Never in my life believed this is how you keep a marriage going. Never in my life thought this would be me.

I miss that feeling of total safety, of not having a racing heart all day at work, of not starting to feel scared when he gets a text. Of not pouncing at his phone when it rings or a text message comes it.

I miss feeling loved, love and commitment being a given, not something I question every minute. I am exhausted...

Oh Alfie I’m so sorry. I’ve just spent an hour at work hiding in the stores sobbing my heart out. Your husbands affair is an emotional one and he needs to see that. Have you got real world back up? I’ve told just enough key people that he has nowhere to hide from this. Her mum noes because she tutors my DC and I said if she came around wanting to chat as normal I wouldn’t be able to hold back! The pain is bad. Hugs for us all x

Broken the exhaustion is unexpected. I feel sick and trapped I can’t eat.

Enough is enough he’s got 24 hours to delete and block her and go no contact or I am filing for divorce I’ve had enough. Can’t believe I am back here again after so many months of everything being great.

Screaming I reached a size 6 in 4 months. I'm forcing myself to eat as I am sick of people stopping me at work, at the corner shop, at school to ask me if I'm ok.

I honestly don't know how he can get on with his life, expects me to trust him again, functions normally and I am a wreck.

And for some reason I think this is normal. I learn everyday to accept this is my new life. 4 months of tears, 4 months of brokenness, currently crying in the toilet at work, but yes, this is my new life...

He blamed the leaving as digging his heels in well he’s about to find out my heels are a hell of a lot higher than his

So sorry Alfie, I admire your determination I hope you follow through.