CTC that's what I see in me, I was so easily pleased before and I now realise it was because I thought if I give him an easy simple life that's what would make him happy which in turn would make me happy.
He now wants that simple life back but for me it isn't enough anymore to a certain extent. I am mourning my marriage because I was happy. But my happiness was tied to his and now I am discovering myself as an individual and it doesn't feel enough anymore. But here is the problem: I don't know what is enough.
He does stuff different than before, for example he now sleeps wrapped around me all night while in the past we would get into bed, cuddle a bit and then he would turn around and I would cuddle him. I come home and he hugs me (not in the past) sometimes he sits me down and takes my shoes off. We don't watch tv anymore, we talk unfortunately mostly about the affair (not the details anymore but about the way we feel).
But it feels... not enough. I know I am impatient, not even 4 months since I found out. But I am worried of all the resentment that is building up. I don't seem to be able to process all the nice stuff he does, like this morning he called me after dropping dd to school and at the end he went quiet and then said: "I saw somebody on a bike and I thought it was X's dad (friend of dd that moved area in 2016 and moved schools)." He then went quiet and after a bit said: "it reminded me of the days when everything was so good in our lives, we were so happy, I feel sad..."
So he had a trigger (welcome to my world). And while all he said softened my heart I then went back to my anxieties, my anger, my tearful self.
And I don't seem to remember, properly process the good things like when he says he loves me, when he cuddles me, when he cries for me and what he's done, all I remember are the frustrating moments such as me waking up this morning and feeling the need of him hugging me and telling me how much he loves me and wants this to work out, how he can't live without me. Well he said all this last night. But by the morning I needed to hear it again and he can't read my mind, when I got out of bed to go to work he just turned on the other side and fell back asleep (he starts later than me).
I feel the same like brokenpromises, I can't feel this way in 2 years' time I am so exhausted all the time... I am close to 4 months (next week) and I thought I would be so much better by now. And my mood swings are so exhausting, feeling hopeful, then hopeless, then anxious thinking they are still in touch...
ConstantStruggler you are right but it is so hard... I am having days when I think "f..ck this, I want out" and days when I remember how good we used to be and thinking it is worth it. But how long is this worth it for? I guess I'll know when enough is enough...