Infidelity support thread for the betrayed party

[ppandj]

I recently found out about my partner's affair, which occurred while I was pregnant and had a newborn (plus a toddler). My partner's behaviour was vile to me for a long time (turns out it was part of the guilt of the affair) and I had been considering ending our relationship anyway. Then I found out about the infidelity and our world has come crashing down, we are both devastated and my partner has had a wake up call- all the illusion of his affair has been shattered and he realises what he jeopardised when he made those choices. I have not yet decided what to do long term; whether we stay together depends largely on him and whether he can have a good look at himself and learn his lessons, but also I need to build my self-esteem and think about what I actually want.

Since I found out I have been on MN (more than usual ) and have read some old threads where the betrayed spouses were supporting eachother. I have also seen that there are many coping with this shitty experience currently posting. So I thought maybe we can have a thread to know that we aren't alone.

Still in limbo 😵

I ll join. Found out about my H EA end of August. It’s been a rollercoaster but we’re now working towards getting back together. Most days I m ok, had a quiet cry this morning and a wallow but I get over these quicker now. My marriage will never be the same but I think I have come out stronger. Certainly found out who my friends were!

I'm 8 years on, but it still feels like it was yesterday sometimes.

DH has refused counselling or to talk about it so it's just festered for years, and I'm still no closer to finding out how far his affair went. I was pregnant at the time with another two under 4's so I was financially unable to leave.

Studying now, so will be earning in three years 😊 I'll be in a position to give an ultimatum.

My heart goes out to all of you, I didn't understand what a broken heart really meant until he did that. It literally hurts!!

Revengeontc - do you have PTSD from the affair? X

Yes, I do, unfortunately. Getting better with time and therapy.

Not helped by the fact I have to see the OW almost everyday at school as our sons are in the same class (and were best friends).

Utterly staggering how selfish some people can be.

How are you yetmorecrap? Remember reading your posts last year and it seems the struggle mentally is still the same for you.

Revengeongc - I'm sorry. Thank you for sharing though and I'm glad it's improving x

You've given me something to think about though. I still have nightmares/flashbacks to things he did. It literally feels like it's happening again now. I also have severe acrophobia. I can't go anywhere that triggers memories, which is mostly around our neighborhood. I can't do school runs or go to church without having a panic attack. Going further afield is fine. Something to discuss with my counsellor I think x

That sounds horrific, revengeongc, having to see the OW on a daily basis. I hope the therapy is helping

I found out about my husband’s affair 4 weeks ago (2 weeks before Christmas - nice). I think I’m still in shock. I just didn’t think my DH was capable of this and can’t believe what he’s done to us (two young DC). He’s staying with family at the moment as I was too incandescent with rage to have him living in the same house.

I’m really not sure what’s going to happen next. He is full of remorse and wants to come back but I can’t imagine ever forgiving him. I feel sure I’d leave if we didn’t have kids but it does change things. It’s been so hard looking at their happy little faces over Christmas and knowing that our whole world has just caved in. He still works with the OW too and has to interact with her on a daily basis, which doesn’t help matters.

I’m starting counselling this week (just me - cannot face couples counselling at this point) so I’m hoping that talking about it will help. I have told a few people close to me, who have been very supportive, but they all have busy lives and I don’t want to burden them too much.

Revenge I feel for you. The OW is at our school too, it feels like they’ve shit on our doorstep.
She’s an absolute maniac, she probably gives no thought to what happened anymore as she quickly moved on. I refused to do school pick ups unless I have to. That’s his job. When I have been there, and seen her, it’s been an awful trigger :(

Freud I know what you mean. If I go further afield I feel safe but close by like school and shops I just live in panic.

It’s not panic about her. It’s just fear of my feelings.

Thanks for the flowers. Yes, it's awful. When I do see her, I just shake and shake.

Having said that, and I am not being bitchy here, just observing, she looks awful. Truly dreadful. Clearly, she is horribly depressed, she's shunned by her former friends (who all obviously took my side!), I dread to even think what her marriage is like.

You reap what you sow.

Moving in the summer which will be GREAT :)

Take care of yourselves. It really is the most awful thing to go through and I feel for you all. Individual counselling will help immensely - I don't think there's much point in couples counselling in the early days.

@WizardOfToss we are starting counselling too. We had our assessment the other day and it went surprisingly well. DP was dreading it and desperately didn't want to go beforehand but once in the room he actually did own it and acknowledged more of his feelings than he usually does. We are planning on focusing on our communication and conflict resolution initially. So we shall see. He's been pretty good to have around recently and is showing some signs that he has changed, but it's hard to get your hopes up isn't it? I hope your counselling goes ok.

@StarlightSparkle don't make any decisions yet. He will be full of remorse now, see how it goes in time. As another poster said, it needs to be at your pace and if you decide to stay with him then he has to understand what recovery work is necessary. I found a YouTube channel called "Affair Recovery" and it has short videos about all aspects of infidelity. My partner has watched a few and it seems a much easier way of getting through to him because the videos sum up how I'm feeling so much better than I can, so he gets it. Maybe tell him if he is truly sorry that he needs to watch a few to understand what he has done and what you might need.

@limomo82 sorry you are in this position. I found out when DS2 was 4 months old and the fact that I had been pregnant/caring for our boys alone while this was all going on is a big factor for me. I feel that he abandoned and betrayed me in my most vulnerable state. If you ever want to PM me please feel free. (Or anyone else!)

Sorry for those of you who are struggling at the moment and thank you to those who keep posting who are a few years on either single or still married. It really helps to hear from people who have been through this and are "out the other side" with/without their spouses. Thank you xx

Oh Wizard I'm so sorry. Here for a handhold if you need it at all xx

And you, Wizard. We don't bloody deserve this.
I hope better times are on the horizon for us all.

Limbo continues. Away for a week with two visits home, lots of sobbing (him) and hugs. Visit home last night, (start of four week straight separation due to both bring abroad for separate reasons) says he wishes he had read the book I bought him (Andrew Marshall I love you but I'm not in love with you) before all this mess (affair) started. Wants to have a three month separation. I'm still devastated I thought he might want to come home after abroad. It's such an effort to be so calm and patient. Luckily have good friends to vent to so I'm not saying all of the things I really think to him..... So sad!!!!! 😖

Thanks wizard.

I've told him I love him, but as suggested in the book not too repeatedly as it causes more panic and guilt. Also this pick me dance thing that folks refer to, none of that. When all I want to do is shout it!
The theory I'm following is 'you cant force anyone to love ypu' so I'm trying to be off doing other interesting things and not be desperate. It's very very very hard. X

@pinkmilk38 I feel the same, I trusted him to the ends of the earth and he has torn my heart out, I don't know how to feel other then cry, I don't know what will happen, I feel so alone.

I don't have much choice tho. He seems to be in the leaving camp right now.... Still texts and phones all day. Hopefully that's part of the recovery not just his recovery to a point where he can cope without me.... His loss of his own integrity and morals seems to be his biggest hurdle. Has phoned relate and paid more sessions. That's a good sign...isn't it...? So confused.

Feeling all of your hurt, what a cliche and well worn road. DH had affair, decided to leave as soon as confronted, was horrible, blamed me, not loved me for a long time, couldn't come back blah blah blah. After 9 weeks of being utterly broken, not putting pressure on him, listening to his self indulgent "poor me" - a joint counsellor told him a few home truths (we only went once - he wouldn't go back), I also said enough. Lo and behold he came home 4 days later, 10 weeks after the revelation. What stoped him coming back initially - humiliation, guilt, ashamed, pride, feeling a failure, not being able to face us all after what he had done. Pathetic. He needed to grow some and admit he had fucked up and just get on with it.

Over a year it was going on, he slept with her in my bed. For three days, I asked him if he wanted to save our marriage and he didn't know, I asked him if he loved her he didn't know, Then on day three he told me everything and begged me to come home. I think he only wants me as she is staying with her husband