Infidelity support thread for the betrayed party

[ppandj]

I recently found out about my partner's affair, which occurred while I was pregnant and had a newborn (plus a toddler). My partner's behaviour was vile to me for a long time (turns out it was part of the guilt of the affair) and I had been considering ending our relationship anyway. Then I found out about the infidelity and our world has come crashing down, we are both devastated and my partner has had a wake up call- all the illusion of his affair has been shattered and he realises what he jeopardised when he made those choices. I have not yet decided what to do long term; whether we stay together depends largely on him and whether he can have a good look at himself and learn his lessons, but also I need to build my self-esteem and think about what I actually want.

Since I found out I have been on MN (more than usual ) and have read some old threads where the betrayed spouses were supporting eachother. I have also seen that there are many coping with this shitty experience currently posting. So I thought maybe we can have a thread to know that we aren't alone.

The puff of smoke thing sums it up..... How could I have been so trusting and gullible I'll never know. This has broken my faith in everything, not just him. What's real anyway?!

I'm trying to make myself feel special. I'm amazing. I'm 50 next year, I've survived breast cancer and a mastectomy, (H and the skank used to write about her boobs and him groping them. At her age i was breastfeeding his baby....I know whom I'd rather be!). I'm 5ft 8 in, 8 stone 11lbs after Xmas dinner.
4 months after I got married i was so in love with my husband, I didn't need to look for a man twice my age to make me feel something.
I'm 50 next year, I won't feel the need to get a man half my age to prove I've still got something. I've had a mastectomy but I'm still happier with myself than that. Also, I would never behave like that, I'm better than that.
So, our works Xmas do is next week. I've booked myself a spa day and a room. I'm going to pamper myself, have an AWESOME night out, then go and crash in a hotel room with a nice breakfast to look forward to, I might even have another swim or treatment!
I figure that if I'm special to myself, I'll be special to H, he might just see what he's going to lose.
We're all worth it, we need to be appreciative of ourselves.
2018 is going to be my year.

Frances I have so much respect for you. You rock.

Thanks DotCotton. Some days i rock, others I cry and crumble, but that's ok. I'm not a robot, I am heartbroken, but I would never behave like they have. To thine own self be true, and all of that sort of thing. My light will shine, even if it flickers every now and then.

Frances you're amazing! 👍

My 2018 is going to a third world country to teach technical rescue skills to local providers. Fly out ar the end of Jan. Never did aid work gap year stuff when I was young but now I've got a different skill set it's time....

Castadrift, that sounds amazing.
Isn't it surprising just how much we can achieve when we no longer listen to those who tell us how useless we are.
Go for it!

Belated Christmas wishes to all of you. It's been such a bittersweet time for me. My ds1 has just reached the age where things start to be a bit magical and it was ds2's first Christmas so in those respects it was nice. But, in the back I my mind at all times was the knowledge that this time last year was the start of the cheating and lies. Last Christmas Eve we were assembling presents and doing family stuff, all the while he had kissed her and had actually been being quite horrible to me already! I look at pictures from last year and like someone said they are tainted. Partner was actually working Christmas this year in his new job so I had Christmas Day with my family and my kids, it was quite nice not to have to deal with it all for a day. On Boxing Day we had a huge row and I laid into him quite a lot, at first he argued back and was a total arse but then he just stood like a rabbit in headlights.
I was totally honest with him and I told him he needs professional help before leaving to go back to my mum's.
We need to get this counselling started I think because we aren't making much progress currently.

I've read through everyone's posts. You are all so strong, don't ever forget it. If that is the only positive that can be taken from being in this horrible situation i hope you can see it. Even in your darkest moments, remember you are surviving and you will be ok, regardless of the outcome.
Let's hope 2018 is a better year for us all xx

Just booked a short skiing holiday for February. It's so empowering to say, "I've booked a holiday, you can come if you want to, but I'm going anyway and I'm going to be happy ."
I used to ask his permission for everything.
Life will be good, because I deserve happiness and I will make sure that I do good things for me and my older teenage kids.

Hello, I’ve been lurking for ages and now ready to post.
Christmas has been tough and having finally started counselling it is really making me question if staying is the right thing to do...im 2 years on but have never told anyone which has killed me emotionally (hence why the gp referred me for counselling!)
I hope everyone is ok and new year is a good one, whatever path you take xx

Hey rainbowlou

You are never at a point where you can’t bail out. You can always choose that.

Counselling IS hard to start with though, it opens up bloody everything

Xxx

Thank you Dot, you’re right it has brought everything back to the surface.
I’m usually very good at burying my head in the sand and facing it head on is quite an eye opener! I honestly love him so much, he was my best friend, but there is always this other person here too now, a stranger that had a secret private life with my husband and it hurts so much xx

Happy New Year. Now 2 1/2 years on. Together but not together, separate rooms. Can’t tell anyone of his cheating, lies and disrespect. I tried, but can’t ‘get over it’. Another year over, hope it’s better.

So, after a stressful time with both sets of parents, playing happy family, cooking epic amounts of food and being hosts with the mosts and pretending everything is OK....
He was gradually withdrawing from me, didn't want to make love etc, then after family left came out with; the therapist said she didn't think I was a man desperate to save my marriage
And
I love you / care for you so much but it's not enough. I'm not in love with you and I haven't been for years.

He's moved out to clear his head (promising ow not back on scene but how could I check) and I'm signed off work with anxiety.

I'm trying to take the line of 'its OK, take your space, gather your thoughts, it's important and I won't put pressure on you'

I'm trying not to cry, not to shout, not to beg, threat, put timescales on anything.

It's taking every scrap of moral fibre I can muster.

This might be the end.

Castadrift

I’m so sorry 💐

Castadrift big hug! Please please remember you will be fine... I know you can't see that now but you will. I understand the feeling of dispair, maybe try and consider your marriage over so you can move on rather than have your hopes up? Easier said than done I know.

My H said to me on the 2nd that he can't deal with my anger and he's done. He then retracted those words and kept telling me last night how much he loves me but I am now questioning he has the love he proclaims for me and I feel like I need to prepare myself for the end.

It may not come now, but it may come at one point and I need to ensure I am in the best state of mind to focus on dealing with the kids.

I am sick of crying, being angry, being anxious all the time, feeling like I've lost everything...

"I'm trying to take the line of 'its OK, take your space, gather your thoughts, it's important and I won't put pressure on you'

I'm trying not to cry, not to shout, not to beg, threat, put timescales on anything. "

Oh, God. Castaway, I really feel for you but STOP doing the Pick Me dance. It won't make him respect you, it won't make him fall back in love with you, it'll just eat away at what little self-esteem he's already left you with. I'm furious on your behalf.

Of course he's back with OW.

I know it's hard but you have to get tough. Tell him he's not welcome back, that your marriage is over and start making plans for the future without him.

Make him see what he's lost by his horrible, selfish actions.

Oh, and when I finally booted my cheating husband to the kerb, you know what? I started getting over it. Seriously, I feel so much lighter and happier now I'm single. I never have to worry about what or who he's doing. It takes time but I literally don't care. I'm free.

I wish you all the best.

I know.... Everyone I chat to suggests ow on scene. If I was her tho I'd be very pissed off at thr amount of time he's spending texting me and ringing in tears. I think he's having some sort of mental health breakdown. His mum thinks the same.

I'm surrounded by very supportive friends and family, they're filling my days and keeping my dignity.
Theyre booking me into all sorts of things over the year, without husband. Fitness goals etc etc.
Who knows how this is goimg to pan out.

Hope everyone else OK.

I've been a silent follower of this thread for a few months. I don't want to go into too much detail right now but you'll all know why I am here. H had an affair lasting five months. We were trying for a baby for at least two of those months and I was four months pregnant when I found out. I am now 8 months. First proper counselling session is tomorrow and my anxiety is through the roof.

I know this may not be a popular option but for all of you struggling, get thee to www.chumplady.com

I should really bow out now from this thread. I'm out the other side. I'm all good, happy (albeit with PTSD), free and with peace of mind.

Just from my experience - you can never trust them again.

It's not the fact that they had sex with another person. It's the fact that they were quite happy to lie to your face, day in, day out.

Limomo82 I'm so sorry. Please know you have support here and also please make sure you surround yourself with family and friends who love you it'd so important. Also remember to keep hydrated and properly nourished for the little person inside, he/she will need a strong mummy x

It's not the fact that they had sex with another person. It's the fact that they were quite happy to lie to your face, day in, day out.

^That 's exactly what hurts. It's the deceit. The amazing ability to withhold, cover up and lie, all the while playing happy families. The drip feed of information once the secret is out and details emerge. The twisting of the truth making you feel like you're the mad one, the one suffocating him. What hurts most is that they no longer are who you thought they were and that there is no way you can go back to that, other than by brushing things under the carpet.
Like revenge, I feel I'm slowly getting out the other side. But along the way I have realised that in this kind of situation the most important thing is to be allowed to do things your way and at your pace. There willbe many people who have gone through similar and who can give advice and support. When I was so low a few weeks ago it was so wonderful to have posts back on here and to have friends IRL telling me they cared. But in order to process something like this you -i think- needto feel like you are the one at the wheel.
It sucks! It's hard! But if it's any hope at all for those at earlier stops on this rollercoasters timeline: I thought too that there was no way that I'd come through, yet I feel calm now and ready to pick up the pieces of my life. I'm doing it carefully slowly and one piece of the time but am convinced the result will be splendid.
Hang in there lovelies. Good times will return. For all of us. X

Definitely lean on the people you CAN trust. I'm not kidding when I say that my friends and my brothers kept me alive.

Time really helps. It really is like a bereavement and you've got to go through it all (unfortunately).

Hugs to you all.

I️ think it’s the feeling like a total mug that hurts. Basically in my case happily letting him go off and share rooms on tour with someone he was writing emotional songs about and texting like mad . It’s worse in my case as was 11 years ago but only found the evidence last year, if it had been 100% happy in those 11 years I️ might feel better and just think bollocks but it’s been mixed

It does get easier with time and every little bit of progress and change you make you get further away from the hurt.

Im nearly 2 years in and it still jabs me from time to time but i look to what I've achieved and all the better positive things i now have in place of all the miserable things and feelings i used to get whilst with my exh
Life is so much nicer now.

Life is calmer and i love to make my own choices now, i still feel the pain of rejection as he is still seeing the ow but its his loss now and no longer mine, she has not gained a faithful trustworthy partner like i did in the beginning of our 18 year relationship she has bagged a man who was prepared to lie and cheat on his wife and son and put his needs first...not a recipe for a long and healthy relationship in my opinion is it.

Take it day by day and don't scare yourself with thoughts off to far in the future as that highlights how scary change can be, just get well and strong and before you know it you look back to life post split and realise how far you have come.

Take care all of you thats going through this you have my heartfelt best wishes and it really will turn out to be him doing you a massive favour in the end....all the best x