Infidelity support thread for the betrayed party

[ppandj]

I recently found out about my partner's affair, which occurred while I was pregnant and had a newborn (plus a toddler). My partner's behaviour was vile to me for a long time (turns out it was part of the guilt of the affair) and I had been considering ending our relationship anyway. Then I found out about the infidelity and our world has come crashing down, we are both devastated and my partner has had a wake up call- all the illusion of his affair has been shattered and he realises what he jeopardised when he made those choices. I have not yet decided what to do long term; whether we stay together depends largely on him and whether he can have a good look at himself and learn his lessons, but also I need to build my self-esteem and think about what I actually want.

Since I found out I have been on MN (more than usual ) and have read some old threads where the betrayed spouses were supporting eachother. I have also seen that there are many coping with this shitty experience currently posting. So I thought maybe we can have a thread to know that we aren't alone.

I've only read the OP and then saw this thread is a few months old. Am I too late to join?

Broken promises - the 'i don't know ' is so hard!

Years - a sorry welcome x

Thank you Castadrift. I've also just joined the site mentioned on the threads second post. Still can't believe I am in this position.

Me neither @year thought we were happy. No remorse or guilt he feels and he doesn't know why. 19 years I shared with him, I am inconsolable ,

My dh is remorseful and tbh I can understand a bit why he did it but I was offered and didn't so why did he? She turned out to be a bitch. Threatened my child and said some cruel things to me.

I'm so sorry you're inconsolable. I am going to try and read all the thread again now as aren't up to speed with everyone's experiences.

Brokenpromises, I'm so sorry but anyone who is prepared to fuck their affair partner in their marital bed is someone to jettison with all possible speed. No excuses. Just get rid of them.

Think of the meaning of your marital bed. That's your most intimate, vulnerable space. The fact that they were prepared to do that puts them in the absolute worst category of cheaters, IMHO.

It was bad enough that mine did it in our family home. It could actually have been in our bed. Who knows? They're such fucking liars that who knows if you ever get the truth. You just have to get through to the point when you genuinely don't care.

Big, big, big hugs to you all xx

Can I join please? I found out 2 weeks ago, with a note through my office door, that my husband is being unfaithful. He is 44 yrs old. We have a pre-school child.

DH finally confessed that night that he had been having a relationship with a woman since July 2017. I have found out that it actually started with furious texting in June and escalated into a drunken fumble in July, which at the time he confessed to me as he felt so guilty, and vowed never to see this OW again. He, of course, lied and it continued immediately. I have seen the phone bills showing whilst he is confessing to me and placating me he is still texting her. This developed into a sexual relationship as he couldn’t resist her “whirlwind fun and vivaciosness” (read sex and availability). DH would send OW hundreds of texts per day and phone her for hours (sometimes 5 hours a day) whilst neglecting me and our child. He text her 250times on my birthday,when he was with me, and during our anniversary. When we were on holiday he would call and text her. His personality changed and he became quite hostile and impatient during the whole period. But he couldn’t stop himself.

DH says that OW was obsessed with him, would threaten suicide and got hysterical when we were on holiday. I don’t care. He didn’t have to text/ call her. I wonder who was obsessesed more with whom.

Anyway, he has cut off all contact with her, is remorseful, accepts he was wrong not to work at our relationship, and is 100% committed to making a go of it now and making it all up to me. We have been to Relate already. The irony is that I had been pleading with him to go to Relate since May 2017, as soon as I saw cracks appearing which I put down to usual stresses of work and life. We both have full time high pressure jobs which sometimes mean we catch up with work in evenings and with a pre-schooler to look after too it’s not easy finding time for each other. Nevertheless, I still cannot believe DH did this rather than address what he says was going wrong ie lack of affection and boring sex. Had he whisked me away to hotels overnight of for days on the occasions he did with the OW then I am sure we could’ve addressed these issues too. Instead we just heard how busy and stressed he was (he would obviously have to catch up with his work when not with her which impacted us).

DH’s family have been told everything but I haven’t told my family or friends. I don’t want him judged badly. I didn’t throw him out, as I always threatened I would as I love him and couldn’t do it to my child, who adores him, and also as I know he would’ve gone straight to OW, who was pressurising DH to leave me.

I have found that I am having to support him, through his feelings, which include missing OW and I feel so pathetic. I have said to him his pining over her doesn’t help me and if he wants her that much he can go. He says he doesn’t want to and wants to be with me. He does seem to be getting over her now but it is still early. The OW did the usual massaging of ego he says his low self esteem needed.

You can probably see the reason for my name now. I would welcome any support. Mainly how to accept and move on from the betrayal. I am sure Relate will help in due course. Thank you all.

You are not a mug. You owe nothing to anyone about justifying your choices be them stay or leave. But stop immediately tolerating his pathetic I Miss Her shite.

Maybe a few nights at his parents house would shake his immaturity?

I know I shouldn't tolerate it. And it makes me so angry that he is doing this and then I am consoling him.

His parents have angered him by having a go at him about it all, which he didn't like, so he isn't speaking to them. If he goes anywhere- it will be to OW.

Don't do what I have done and (because of fear of him going to the ow which is also single in our case) don't throw him out. My H was (and still is at times) fully remorseful, cried, begged, but now 3 and a half months after, he can't get his shit together and asks me to meet his needs in order for him to meet mine. He realised probably that this is hard work and I will not allow it to be swept under the rug as he probably thought initially and now says he's lost his energy and desire to work at our recovery. Basically is asking me to stop talking about it and have "fun" days without it in the back of our minds while I am telling him that my needs have to come first and I need to feel he's putting all he's got into saving our marriage and making me feel like I am worth the world to him considering that his affair made me feel worthless. I guess that's all he's got and I am not accepting it and move on.

He's still here and says he wants to make it work but his actions don't match. Words mean nothing now.

What I would do differently now (I am too late I think to throw him out due to the kids so I am just taking it day by day until enough is enough, waiting for that day to come to be fair when I can say "it doesn't matter what the kids will feel, ill deal with it as I am strong enough): unless your needs are met and think about that carefully, it doesn't sound like they are if he's still pining for the ow, ask him to move out. If he goes to her then you can rest assure that it wasn't going to work in the first place. You cannot reconcile with somebody who doesn't own his shit and puts your needs first in this situation. Also statistics say only 5-10% of people who chose their affair partners will work so if it brings any consolation to you there is a very tiny chance it will work with the ow more so if it is true she is such a crazy person to be hysterical and threatening when she got involved with a married man. Put yourself first. Don't do the pick me dance as it will not work, even if you remain married in 2-3 years' time when you look back you will not be in a happy place knowing he didn't fight for you.

Tell people in RL about it and create a support network, I have my BF who has been amazing plus another few people I can talk to.

Counselling if possible for yourself individually to work out what you are willing to put up and when enough is enough.

Big hugs, you are still in shock, I promise it will get better and the numbness will install when sadly you will be able to wake up in the morning and realise that this shit is your new life without breaking down in tears.

"I know I shouldn't tolerate it. And it makes me so angry that he is doing this and then I am consoling him."

I get this. I had to hold my sobbing husband in my arms on the sofa he fucked my friend on.

That's the thing. They care not a jot about YOUR feelings. All that matters, and all that has ever mattered, is how THEY feel.

I might sound a bit militant and, probably, some of you are not ready to hear what I have to say, but, seriously, anyone who is prepared to have a lengthy affair, to lie to your face day in, day, out, will happily gaslight you, expose you to STDs; these people are BAD people. I know you still love them, I know you have children with them. It's not enough. You are worth more.

What I should really say is TL:DR, leave them. You'll be happier and so will they.

Been reading all the posts. I found out early November DP had an affair with the DM of a girl in DD's class, these were near neighbours and people we considered family friends. When the OW admitted it to her DH he posted it all over Facebook. It was absolutely horrendous. The OW's H is a narcissistic emotional abuser. She was using my DP as an escape route out of an abusive relationship. Our relationship was suffering as I was still struggling after a family bereavement. I genuinely do not believe DP would have done it otherwise. We weren't communicating and she was needy. It didn't work OW went back to abusive husband, is now isolated from all her friends & their house is on the market. My DP and I are working through it with the help of counselling. We're doing well but it's hard at times, especially when everyone knows & we still see other parties in school yard. I got the impression from the thread that most people are going through this in secret & not sharing with family & friends. Is there anyone else, like me, who is trying to put a relationship back together with what feels like the whole world watching & judging you for choosing to stay?

Seryan sorry you find yourself here too. I am not pushed into leaving, the people knowing are my brother who told me to suck it up, my MIL and FIL who expect me to suck it up and my BF who stands by me if I want to leave but also reminds me that grass isn't always greener on the other side.

It must be horrendous for you to have it in the open like that. Have you considered moving?

Gently- it still sounds like you are blaming the ow more than your H, she is to blame but your issue is your H and there is no excuse for infidelity. Whatever the circumstances he had a mouth to talk if there was something not right at home. I'm not telling you to leave and not work on your marriage, that's where I am too, but try to change your mindset a bit otherwise you're lying to yourself and you'll end up more resentful and take responsibility for his shit actions.

Hope it goes well for all of you.

I also feel pressured to stay by mil. She's the only family to know. I don't have any family to tell. Only three friends know. Two are very much if you need to leave, do.

I'm feeling very fed up tonight and half want to kick out dh to make him get his arse in gear.

Seryan I feel your pain, your story is almost like mine. It takes a fuck load of selfishness for her to see your children daily in school but fuck their family up by screwing their dad.

Before we go there, it’s easy to say you shouldn’t blame the OW. I believe we absolutely can, it DOES take two and anyone who is a OW and aware of your children’s existence needs a slap.

It’s fucking shit that’s its on your doorstep, I honestly hate school pickup and the reminder that the OW exists. I also hate seeing her because I get overwhelmed with anger and whilst I want to rip her face off, it’s best I don’t 😂

My counsellor does a good job of reminding me that over a year later we’re still together in her face, and that must fuck her off, let’s face it.

No it hasn’t been easy, and we’ve been in counselling. Nothing’s perfect and i’ll Never been 100% in again, but I take each day step by step.

right now I hate my husband. I want to leave

Well tonight I have had the delightful situation of DH calling 19 year old son an ungreatful bastard. What I wanted to chime in with was 'it was pretty ungreatful letting me run our business and work my arse off , whilst you were busy writing songs and stuff for a 21 year old , texting non stop and conducting in my opinion an emotional affair ' . That's the problem with staying in a post discovery situation, it's very hard not to have the urge for the occasional 'digs'

Thanks for your responses. I know my reaction is strange but bizarrely I don't hate the OW. I can see why it happened & I seem to have forgiven her. I do blame my DP but we are working through it. We are working on our communication issues & we are getting there. The person I can't forgive is OW's H he put it in a public forum & put my kids at risk. I had to had conversations with my kids I should never have had due to his actions. In this scenario I am the only one who can hold my head up high. I am the only one who has put both mine & their kids first. My kids are doing OK after this, we're making sure they are. My heart bleeds for theirs. Their life is going to change so much and they won't be allowed to keep the friends they have made.

The way I feel about my current situation changes hour by hour, One minute I think, we can work through this, the next I hate him and her for doing this to me and my kids and the next I'm crying in the car on the way home from work. I wasn't angry at first just in shock, and hurt beyond pain I had ever known, but now I am so angry, I just want them both to suffer the same pain that I am feeling.

My feelings change often too but I've never once cried. How I feel is definitely linked to my hormones. I have added complications which my hormones inform but regarding dh, sometimes I think why aren't you doing more? Have I made it too easy for you? It's been nearly two years since he told me and I can't believe that much time has passed by. I promised him I'd give him two years as if read it can take that long, but I'm not sure what will happen in the future. I think it will taint everything. When our kids get married, when the grandchildren come along , etc. I'm also really worried about when the kids move out. They are 12-16 so it isn't that far off.

We do have issues and when the kids are living else where I think they will come to the fore and it will be make or break.

Hope everyone else is doing okay.

YearsofYou what has your husband done to make it better? I am less than 4 months out and I feel he's not doing anything we got to the point where he behaves like he gave up and I am not happy with his lack of efforts.

I am ready to throw in the towel but my heart breaks for my kids. I dread it. I can't do this to dd who is an introvert shy girl and she's meant to start secondary in September, I can't do this to her on top of all the change that will come to her life.

So I am stuck and feel trapped. Initially my H promised me the world and nothing materialised, his empathy now seems to be gone and he's just waiting for me to get over it.

I questioned initially if it is my perception and he is doing stuff but no, it isn't, he's checked out. Tells me he loves me, hugs me, goes to Counselling but other than that he isn't taking any actions that make me feel he really wants us to reconcile.

what would you like him to do BrokenLife?? I know for instance in my case I wanted him to be able to bring the subject up off his own initiative, basically being honest i wanted him to grovel. Its embarrasing saying that, but I know in my head I wanted that and it didnt really happen. the subject has only ever come up over the past 13 months since I found out about an old EA (thatw ent on for quite a long time) as part of an argument/discussion, initiated by me and I dont think thats good enough.

Brokenlife - I'm not really sure what I want dh to do and I don't know what will work. He doesn't know what to do either. He's okay at doing what I want when I ask sometimes. But when he doesn't respond how I want it doesn't upset me.

He wants to just forget it and move on. He's told me it's on his mind all the time and he has to live with what he's done. He's devastated he's broken his wedding vows. I've told him if he showed me how he feels maybe that would help.

He has bought me a new gold band which has our names engraved inside but I don't wear it on my wedding finger. We've discussed redoing our wedding vows but we're not ready yet. I also can't make my mind up if I want new rings but I do feel a lot of sadness when I look at my current engagement, wedding and eternity rings.

It’s all so sad reading these. Why do women love so much and forgive so much?