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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is my boyfriend emotionally abusive or am I over sensitive?

150 replies

Malibu19880 · 23/08/2017 22:17

It's got to the stage now where I'm having to post on a forum for advice from complete strangers because I can't think or see clearly anymore! Please can someone help me...

I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years now. We met online and instantly hit it off.

He was not my traditional type and I was not his but I believe we had something deeper than just the physical side of stuff so it worked.

He was charming and attentive at first, this is where I'm confused. He was loving and affectionate and I really felt happy...however he was always a bit hot headed from day one but I didn't have any clue about his level of anger, or his sharp tongue.

It revealed itself slowly. I don't want this to turn into war and peace so I'm a nutshell...you know when you have an argument with someone and there's always an exchange of things you wouldn't normally say unless you were angry...he's that person who in an argument will always "out do" you by bringing up that one thing you shouldn't say, and using it against you. He is EVIL with his words...that is the only way I can describe it. Just absolutely evil. Calls me every name under the sun, says horrible things to intentionally hurt me etc...

Anyway we lived together for 2 and a half years where I put up with his screaming fits at me for not doing his washing amongst other things I did constantly wrong...apparently I deserved to be screamed at because I offered to do it then didn't do it because I am lazy...and in my head I think well maybe he is right? But then I look at my parents & friends relationships and none of their husbands/boyfriends scream at them or speak to them with such cruelty as my boyfriend does...
I felt so alone when we lived together, I spent so many days crying my heart out because his constant criticisms and getting at me really made me feel worthless...we now don't live together due to circumstances outside our control but our current 'status' is that we are saving for a house

He is ALWAYS criticising me and putting me down. It was my birthday the other day and I asked him to be nice to me for just one day...he couldn't manage one single day he made me cry on my birthday.
He never wants to spend any time with me. He never wants to spend time with me or do anything with me unless it involves doing something he wants. There's no compromise in him. His attitude is that even if something will make me happy, if he doesn't want to do it then he doesn't have to. I have to attend friends weddings by myself, family functions etc.

I'm also not allowed to be vulnerable or down. He doesn't allow me to be sad, it isn't worth the criticism if I were to say I wasn't having a good day. I have to be switched on all the time. I suffer badly from panic attacks but he tells me to get over it, he doesn't think they're a real thing...

His thing at the moment is my weight. I have put some weight on which I'm trying to lose, I'm dieting and going to the gym...but he's given me a deadline saying that if I haven't got below 9 stone by January he's going to leave me...and he shouldn't be made to feel guilty because he doesn't find me attractive.

He is allowed to find my weight gain unattractive but he never supports or encourages me. It's always criticism...nothing's ever good enough. He sits on his ass all week and criticises me for skipping the gym for one night because I'm not well?! I ask him to come for walks or hikes with me to help my weight loss...he says no...

There's a a complete lack of intamcy in our relationship and there has been for quite some time but how does he expect me to want to be intimate with him when he's told me he doesn't find me or my body attractive?

He very rarely does anything kind or thoughtful for me. I do everything for him, cook clean take care of him etc. I was rolling over in period pain the other day and asked him could he get me some painkillers from the other room...he said no I should have got them before I came to bed and to stop being lazy??.?

Is it me :shock: why can't I leave this man....and if I'm that bad why doesn't he just leave me

I feel so trapped. I love him and have loved him for 5 years. I feel like I've invested so much of my time and energy into this relationship to just throw the towel in.

But the hurt gets worse and worse every day, and I'm so terrified of him leaving me that I just stay and desperately clutch on to whatever scraps he gives me...

OP posts:
titchy · 23/08/2017 22:21

What?!!!! He is MASSIVELY MASSIVELY ABUSIVE. Phone womensaid urgently. Make plans to leave.

user1471462290 · 23/08/2017 22:21

Sweetie I'm going to be blunt, he's a cunt!

Leave him and be happy, my ex was very much like him and it took me years to leave him xx you can do it and e happy Flowers

sparechange · 23/08/2017 22:24

Good grief, he sounds horrific

How entangled are your finances and assets?
Would it be easy for you to leave?

User2410 · 23/08/2017 22:24

You're definitely not over sensitive! And he is emotionally abusive towards you. You need to leave him OP before he takes away whatever is left of your self esteem. I understand what your going through as my exH was the same and I didn't even realise it until my confidence was rock bottom. No one should make you feel this way and he sounds like a bully. The part about having to ask advise on a forum I can completely relate to. Being wjth someone like that can make you question everything and they have a way of making you out to be the one in the wrong. That's typical abusive behaviour blaming his behaviour and actions on you. If u want to lose weight do it for YOU and no-one else. When u do lose weight he won't make u feel attractive then either. Be strong and do what u know is right for yourself there are many men out there who won't make you feel this way and will treat you with respect. Xxx

DownTownAbbey · 23/08/2017 22:25

Abusive with a capital 'A'.

Also a massive cunt. He's not fit to lick your boots.

thisfamily · 23/08/2017 22:25

Love should not hurt.
You seem such a lovely person
he puts you down constantly and denies your panic attacks.
There is no love from his side.
It is emotional abuse, clearly, you can read up more on womansaid.org
You deserve someone who appreciates your worth.

Busybusybust · 23/08/2017 22:27

This man is horrible. You must leave him. It wii only get worse. Contact Woens Aid.

AlternativeTentacle · 23/08/2017 22:30

which bit of any of that do you love?

Original poster
Malibu19880 · 23/08/2017 22:33

Thank you all for your words of encouragement...

I know this sounds silly but even now I feel like I'm being dramatic and that I can't possibly be a victim of abuse...I don't feel like a victim, I feel silly for making a fuss...for getting upset...my heart is making excuses for all his behaviour..

"He's not that bad"
"He doesn't cheat on me"
"No relationship is perfect"

He's always justifying his behaviour towards me by saying things like "well I know I shout and scream at you but at least I know I'm a c**t"

And then I think, well that must be okay then?! He admits he does it and is self aware so therefore I'm the one with the problem.

We are financially tied, not too deeply but deeply enough for it to be a major hassle to separate...I'll be left with nothing.

OP posts:
awrightmylover · 23/08/2017 22:36

LTB. As soon as you can do so safely. It's him, not you. This is what abusive individuals do- they wear you down until you doubt yourself. Get out and good luck to you Flowers

AlternativeTentacle · 23/08/2017 22:38

what do you mean nothing? a life is worth its weight in gold, and you dont have one of those right now. sometimes you do need to start again and next time make sure you keep yourself independent.

i left my abuser with some carrier bags shoved in the back of the car. that was it. worth it though.

sparechange · 23/08/2017 22:38

No relarionship is perfect, but no relationship should leave you feeling you have to walk on eggshells, and absolutely no relationship should be making your panic attacks worse or minimising them

Whatever the hassle is involved in separating will be 100% worth it.
I can promise you the feeling of relief when you get away from him will be immense

jeaux90 · 23/08/2017 22:39

The bit you fell in love with. It's an act. Not him.

The abusive asshole you see every day. That's him.

I was with a narc. It's what they do. Not saying he is a narc but maybe some of the traits. Google narcissist. Bet he ticks a lot of the boxes.

You need out. Do what you need to do to get out. He won't change. They never do. You deserve better.

BrandNewHouse · 23/08/2017 22:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sparrowlegs248 · 23/08/2017 22:40

Leave Op, now while it's relatively easy. I'm much further down the line than you, joint mortgage, two small children, financially dependent. I'm working it out but in your position (and with hindsight) I'd be gone.

A good relationship shouldn't make you feel this way.

mumofone234 · 23/08/2017 22:40

I think you already know what you need to do - it's all in your original post...

RandomMess · 23/08/2017 22:40

Run for the hills...

You are going to become increasingly unwell if you stay with him! No £ is worth putting up with that sort of treatment.

QuiteLikely5 · 23/08/2017 22:40

Op

You need to contact your local DV office. You need to go in there and talk with someone.

Your emotions are destroyed.

This man is dysfunctional and always will be - if you bring a child into this you would regret it with all your being.

Do not buy a house, he's a foul, abusive bully. He is controlling you, he has worn you down and you expect the worst on a daily basis.

Please confide in your family or friends. Someone you can trust.

It's not ok that he does this. Don't feel sorry for him because he certainly doesn't care about you.

Wake up. Then run.

PollytheDolly · 23/08/2017 22:42

Jesus. He's abhorrent. How dare he make you feel this way Angry

Find your own life again and be happy, please Flowers

LilaoftheGreenwood · 23/08/2017 22:43

I got about halfway through your opening post. This is very bad. You need to leave.

mogulfield · 23/08/2017 22:45

Your post is one of the saddest things I've read on here in a while. Please leave, the alternative if he gets worse, and your mental health gets worse, then you really will be left with 'nothing' when you're a shell of your former self.

MusicToMyEars800 · 23/08/2017 22:45

Please leave this horrible man!
You deserve more, he is beating you down and making you feel worthless.
Please, please just cut him out of your life, no matter how hard it might seem! It will get worse if you don't.
Even if you're left with nothing, it will be better than what you'll be left with if you stay.

LilaoftheGreenwood · 23/08/2017 22:47

Ok I made it through the rest, jesus Sad

if I'm that bad why doesn't he just leave me

Maybe this will wake you up. He doesn't leave you because he likes torturing you and seeing you hurt. He needs you there for that. He doesn't want the nice, normal relationship where both people like each other, the kind that most of us want. He wants exactly what he's got, someone to hurt.

You should be so lucky that "if I haven't got below 9 stone by January he's going to leave me", he would do nothing of the sort, he'd just use it as another stick to beat you with.

You might love some version of him, but the real man he is just doesn't like you, doesn't and can't like anyone.

beachcomber243 · 23/08/2017 22:48

Get away from this vile person who is attacking and killing your soul. Life can be good, peaceful and full of good things but you will never find any of it with him. There is a sick interdependency going on between the two of you, and it will badly affect your mental health.

There is no love or happy future in this relationship. Regain your identity and dignity before it's too late.

kingfishergreen · 23/08/2017 22:48

I feel like I've invested so much of my time and energy into this relationship to just throw the towel

This is called the Sunken Cost Fallacy, that you fear you've put so much in, that to walk away would be a waste.

This fallacy is responsible for many people staying with their abusive partners (and he is abusing you), it's also responsible for people bankrupting themselves in business that will never work. People are blinded by the fear that their efforts will go to waste.

Tomorrow is a new day, walk away. I promise you it's the best thing to do.