Is my boyfriend emotionally abusive or am I over sensitive?

[Malibu19880]

It's got to the stage now where I'm having to post on a forum for advice from complete strangers because I can't think or see clearly anymore! Please can someone help me...

I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years now. We met online and instantly hit it off.

He was not my traditional type and I was not his but I believe we had something deeper than just the physical side of stuff so it worked.

He was charming and attentive at first, this is where I'm confused. He was loving and affectionate and I really felt happy...however he was always a bit hot headed from day one but I didn't have any clue about his level of anger, or his sharp tongue.

It revealed itself slowly. I don't want this to turn into war and peace so I'm a nutshell...you know when you have an argument with someone and there's always an exchange of things you wouldn't normally say unless you were angry...he's that person who in an argument will always "out do" you by bringing up that one thing you shouldn't say, and using it against you. He is EVIL with his words...that is the only way I can describe it. Just absolutely evil. Calls me every name under the sun, says horrible things to intentionally hurt me etc...

Anyway we lived together for 2 and a half years where I put up with his screaming fits at me for not doing his washing amongst other things I did constantly wrong...apparently I deserved to be screamed at because I offered to do it then didn't do it because I am lazy...and in my head I think well maybe he is right? But then I look at my parents & friends relationships and none of their husbands/boyfriends scream at them or speak to them with such cruelty as my boyfriend does...
I felt so alone when we lived together, I spent so many days crying my heart out because his constant criticisms and getting at me really made me feel worthless...we now don't live together due to circumstances outside our control but our current 'status' is that we are saving for a house

He is ALWAYS criticising me and putting me down. It was my birthday the other day and I asked him to be nice to me for just one day...he couldn't manage one single day he made me cry on my birthday.
He never wants to spend any time with me. He never wants to spend time with me or do anything with me unless it involves doing something he wants. There's no compromise in him. His attitude is that even if something will make me happy, if he doesn't want to do it then he doesn't have to. I have to attend friends weddings by myself, family functions etc.

I'm also not allowed to be vulnerable or down. He doesn't allow me to be sad, it isn't worth the criticism if I were to say I wasn't having a good day. I have to be switched on all the time. I suffer badly from panic attacks but he tells me to get over it, he doesn't think they're a real thing...

His thing at the moment is my weight. I have put some weight on which I'm trying to lose, I'm dieting and going to the gym...but he's given me a deadline saying that if I haven't got below 9 stone by January he's going to leave me...and he shouldn't be made to feel guilty because he doesn't find me attractive.

He is allowed to find my weight gain unattractive but he never supports or encourages me. It's always criticism...nothing's ever good enough. He sits on his ass all week and criticises me for skipping the gym for one night because I'm not well?! I ask him to come for walks or hikes with me to help my weight loss...he says no...

There's a a complete lack of intamcy in our relationship and there has been for quite some time but how does he expect me to want to be intimate with him when he's told me he doesn't find me or my body attractive?

He very rarely does anything kind or thoughtful for me. I do everything for him, cook clean take care of him etc. I was rolling over in period pain the other day and asked him could he get me some painkillers from the other room...he said no I should have got them before I came to bed and to stop being lazy??.?

Is it me :shock: why can't I leave this man....and if I'm that bad why doesn't he just leave me

I feel so trapped. I love him and have loved him for 5 years. I feel like I've invested so much of my time and energy into this relationship to just throw the towel in.

But the hurt gets worse and worse every day, and I'm so terrified of him leaving me that I just stay and desperately clutch on to whatever scraps he gives me...

Buying you a kitten AND THEN LOVING IT MORE THAN HE LOVES YOU is not an act of kindness. Your emotions, self-esteem, sense of what is normal have been thoroughly distorted by his behaviour. It's a horrible situation to find yourself in and I thoroughly understand. You may still feel some 'love' but you know that you dread the next day with him let alone the long-term.
Here's my advice from experience.
Ring domestic abuse helplines and read their websites. It will help you clarify that you are not in the wrong here. There are many types of abuse and we can trick ourselves into believing the myth that because we don't have black eyes and he's not 100% evil every day that it is not abuse.
Keep records. Secret diary app on your phone. It will start to sink in slowly that this is not right. When you see the 'coffin nails' stacking up in black and white it will help you see clearer.
Resolve to test the situation. Deliberately carry out a couple of things you think are reasonable to expect in a relationship (go out with friends, ask him to hang up the washing etc) to test the reaction - you probably know what it will be!
The holiday, if you go, could be that test. I suspect you can't bear to cancel it for the thought of dealing with the fall-out. You could always mentally prepare yourself to walk out on him while you're away if it gets too bad.
When, as you soon will, leave, don't waste your time and mental strength on phone calls, emails and texts debating what ifs and whys. It has taken me 4 years to realise this is true. No contact is definitely a sensible path.
You can do this. Many of us here have and have no regrets xx

He went ballistic when you googled his ex? Most men would be flattered that you were interested. It sounds like he was terrified that you might contact this ex and find out a few home truths about him.

He is nasty. As pps have said, he won't dump you, he needs you to abuse so he can feed his ego.

Run for the hills, go total no contact and never look back

As Atilla has said, contact Womens Aid.
0808 2000 247
This is full on awful abuse of the worst kind.
Attend their Freedom Programme as quickly as you can.
Get support from them as you will need it once this is over.

This man has knocked all your self esteem and self respect right out of you.
Time to take back control and get yourself back.
Do NOT - I repeat DO NOT go on holiday with this vile cunt of a man.
Under 9 stone! How tall are you? 4ft 5???
I'm only 5ft 3 and look absolutely fabulous at 9st 9-ish!

You need to tell him in no uncertain terms and ensure you do it with others there.
I think 'fuck off out of my life you abusive cunt' should just about do it!
Good luck.
Do it soon. Do NOT put up with this for another second of your life.
It's too short to waste on nasty people.
Surround yourself with family and friends and good times.
Do try to get some counselling for yourself.
Try to understand why on gods earth you put up with this treatment for so long.

Despite the financial ties, emotionally you'll be healthier if you took steps to make yourself more distant from him. Start ways of extracting yourself from this relationship. Once you see how you can be treated by a reasonably nice man, you'll see just how emotionally abusive this current man is from the way you're describing him.

There are lots of charities for women's domestic abuse that you could contact- even for just some chat and small advice. But it is down to you, lovely, to make the steps. :) & we all know you can, because you took the step to post this!

If you were my daughter and I found out about this I would be straight round there to pick you up, pack your stuff and take you away. Talk to people in RL - including your parents preferably - it is easier to leave when you know you have support.

I never even finished reading this. Screaming hurtful insults is abusive enough, never mind anything else. You need to end this now and learn to value yourself more xx

If you don't leave him within next 4 weeks it demonstrates that you like this behavior. In the world there are women experiencing the highest levels of economic and social inequality and they are strong. Leave him or accept it .... your choice !

What? holidaying with him? No way! Let him go and it would give you a vacation. Collect and copy all financial documents, pictures, passport and start sneakily putting money aside.

Leave this vile man as fast as you possibly can.

Please leave this horribly abusive man. He won't change and it isn't your job to try to save him while sacrificing yourself in the process. It's not your fault he treats you like this and he'll be the same with any other women.

I was briefly with a very similar man and I genuinely believe that they hate all women but they relentlessly pursue a "relationship" so that they have someone they feel like they own and can destroy for their own sick pleasure. Just remember that it's his choice to treat you like this. Lots of people have difficult pasts but they don't all go around trying to destroy people. Do not feel sorry for him. Feel angry and disgusted that he treats you like this then dump him as fast as you can and never look back.

Do you have access to the joint Savings op?

@brandybunny, I find your post offensive, not helpful, and not correct. You stated "If you don't leave him within next 4 weeks it demonstrates that you like this behavior. In the world there are women experiencing the highest levels of economic and social inequality and they are strong. Leave him or accept it .... your choice !"

This isn't true. Staying doesn't mean she likes it. That just isn't true.

The dichotomy of leaving or accepting also isn't true. There are limitless options of ways for the OP respond, and timelines for her to work with.

Badging, telling her how she feels, and limiting her options is the opposite of what is appropriate.

Please leave him. Your post made me Cry.
No one should have to feel like this.

Please get yourself out of there. He is ruining your life.

Brandybunny - ridiculous.

Op: you've taken the first step posting on here and you recognize this is toxic and abusive. Don't be me and stay for 21 years. I guess you're young, you have no kids, don't do yourself down and continue to live with this monster.
I could write down hundreds of incidents, and at the time they didn't seem that bad. When I was 19 I made him toast and he threw it at me because I put plum jam of instead of strawberry. He once through a grapefruit at me in anger. This was in the eArly stages. Later in it became more subtle but it developed into a very one sided emotionally abusive relationship.
I left seven months ago and while things have been very difficult only now I'm out of it can I see the extent. Your partner is very controlling and abusive.
All I wanted to say is no matter how hard it seems you can do it. You deserve to be happy and cherished.

Keep posting.

Please, please leave OP. Like the PP I was also in a similar situation. Do not stay because you've already invested so much time with this bully. It took me years to recognise my lack of, and then work on my self-esteem. In retrospect I wish I'd told him to "fuck off" sooner. Life was so much easier without him in it, even though for the first few months I cried in the shower every morning. I was with him for 5 years.

Emotional abuse is a prosecutable offence. Someone is out there who will adore the bones of you. I have that now and it's wonderful, it's what you deserve too.

Leave!

Leave!

Leave!

It wouldnt surprise me if he becomes violent!

I was in a simular relationship, only mine was also physical abuse.
But, it was the constant nastiness that wore me down.
I remember asking him the same thing 'please be nice to me today'.
There was only once when he was, and that was the final time he was violent and he knew i was nearly there.... nearly at my wits end.
He told me i was nothing without him, i would never drive, i would always be overdrawn in my account (yep, really), he told me i looked like a man ( i really dont but i believed him), id always be fat, id always have shit friends and worst of all, he told me i would never be the one thing i always wanted to be.... a mother.
So, after 20 months... i ditched the fucker.....
Instant relief!
Now... 10 years on...
I drive and own my own car...
Im slimmer than ive ever been
I still dont look like a man
My friends helped me through my break up...
They also helped me through my multiple miscarriages...
But they are also my son's godparents....
Im so much happier... i have everything i have ever wanted... im newly married to a wonderful man who treats me how a man should treat his woman... with a beautiful son...

Please note.... i am still overdrawn though! :-)

So, the grass is greener... you may have to have a few challenges... short term... but it will pay of in the long term.

You have to leave this man!

You want to love him
You want this to be smooth after all these years.
But....the list is long and when written out nasty.
It would be wise to move on. It won't get better.

Please contact woman's aid.
You may love him but he is not showing you love.
I could be wrong but it sounds as though this could come to violence.
There is great help, support and kindness in the refuges. They are happy places full of brave people who have escaped from people who hurt them either verbally or physically.
You do not deserve to be treated this way nor is it in any way your fault.
I wish you well .

This is so classic control he is insecure and reflects on you x so sorry I've been there this is toxic and will wear you down and make you feel like nothing been there and done that xx nobody can say walk all we can reflect on is our own experiences xx you are worth so much more x walk if you can xx hugs kisses and more x x

Op I've left an abusive relationship recently. Unfortunately I have ties to the ex because if children.

I'm assuming from your post you don't? Please leave. It will be the making of you I promise. It will be tough and feel like you don't know your arse from your elbow some days but it is better than living with this. I'm going through the same. Pm me if you want a chat xx

Op read this

blogs.psychcentral.com/recovering-narcissist/2017/08/11-signs-youre-the-victim-of-narcissistic-abuse/

OP how are things?

Just thank God that you are not living together, have no kids together, and are saving money. Back away. If you're this unhappy, and he is this cruel, before you're even married, just imagine the monster that will rear its head once the relationship is secured.

Get rid of him right now.

You will look back on this time in a few years and wonder wtf you were thinking, staying with him for so long, and you will thank yourself for going! That's exactly what I did.

Here, you might like this today, or it might take a while, but I think it will resonate with you. It really did with me, and I'm not even a fan!

Walking on eggshells...Living with a Borderline Personality
Men Who Hate Women and the Women that Love Them
Why does he do that...Lundy Bancroft*

All the above books will give you an sight into what you are up against with these type of personalities. Dangerous emotionally and physically abusive.
If you stay with him he will destroy you as he projects all the hatred he has for himself on to you.
You cannot reason with this type of man and if you do not leave asap things will escalate with him and then you are in real danger.