Is my boyfriend emotionally abusive or am I over sensitive?

[Malibu19880]

It's got to the stage now where I'm having to post on a forum for advice from complete strangers because I can't think or see clearly anymore! Please can someone help me...

I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years now. We met online and instantly hit it off.

He was not my traditional type and I was not his but I believe we had something deeper than just the physical side of stuff so it worked.

He was charming and attentive at first, this is where I'm confused. He was loving and affectionate and I really felt happy...however he was always a bit hot headed from day one but I didn't have any clue about his level of anger, or his sharp tongue.

It revealed itself slowly. I don't want this to turn into war and peace so I'm a nutshell...you know when you have an argument with someone and there's always an exchange of things you wouldn't normally say unless you were angry...he's that person who in an argument will always "out do" you by bringing up that one thing you shouldn't say, and using it against you. He is EVIL with his words...that is the only way I can describe it. Just absolutely evil. Calls me every name under the sun, says horrible things to intentionally hurt me etc...

Anyway we lived together for 2 and a half years where I put up with his screaming fits at me for not doing his washing amongst other things I did constantly wrong...apparently I deserved to be screamed at because I offered to do it then didn't do it because I am lazy...and in my head I think well maybe he is right? But then I look at my parents & friends relationships and none of their husbands/boyfriends scream at them or speak to them with such cruelty as my boyfriend does...
I felt so alone when we lived together, I spent so many days crying my heart out because his constant criticisms and getting at me really made me feel worthless...we now don't live together due to circumstances outside our control but our current 'status' is that we are saving for a house

He is ALWAYS criticising me and putting me down. It was my birthday the other day and I asked him to be nice to me for just one day...he couldn't manage one single day he made me cry on my birthday.
He never wants to spend any time with me. He never wants to spend time with me or do anything with me unless it involves doing something he wants. There's no compromise in him. His attitude is that even if something will make me happy, if he doesn't want to do it then he doesn't have to. I have to attend friends weddings by myself, family functions etc.

I'm also not allowed to be vulnerable or down. He doesn't allow me to be sad, it isn't worth the criticism if I were to say I wasn't having a good day. I have to be switched on all the time. I suffer badly from panic attacks but he tells me to get over it, he doesn't think they're a real thing...

His thing at the moment is my weight. I have put some weight on which I'm trying to lose, I'm dieting and going to the gym...but he's given me a deadline saying that if I haven't got below 9 stone by January he's going to leave me...and he shouldn't be made to feel guilty because he doesn't find me attractive.

He is allowed to find my weight gain unattractive but he never supports or encourages me. It's always criticism...nothing's ever good enough. He sits on his ass all week and criticises me for skipping the gym for one night because I'm not well?! I ask him to come for walks or hikes with me to help my weight loss...he says no...

There's a a complete lack of intamcy in our relationship and there has been for quite some time but how does he expect me to want to be intimate with him when he's told me he doesn't find me or my body attractive?

He very rarely does anything kind or thoughtful for me. I do everything for him, cook clean take care of him etc. I was rolling over in period pain the other day and asked him could he get me some painkillers from the other room...he said no I should have got them before I came to bed and to stop being lazy??.?

Is it me :shock: why can't I leave this man....and if I'm that bad why doesn't he just leave me

I feel so trapped. I love him and have loved him for 5 years. I feel like I've invested so much of my time and energy into this relationship to just throw the towel in.

But the hurt gets worse and worse every day, and I'm so terrified of him leaving me that I just stay and desperately clutch on to whatever scraps he gives me...

I've come back to re-read all the amazing support advice that everyone's given me.

The one bit of advice I ignored was that I've come on holiday with him.

We only have one more day left and he's told me today that when we get home our relationship is over because he's not happy and doesn't find me attractive...also added in the quote "I'm dumping you you're not dumping me" and also "I shouldn't have to be scared to break up with you because you'll cry or something"

His behaviour on holiday has been much of the same only this time after posting here and reading people's perspectives I really do know that this relationship has to end.

We went on a boat trip and the boat was set upon by a giant bridal party of incredibly beautiful girls with perfect bodies.

Now I'm already feeling like shit about myself given the fact that my boyfriend has already explicitly stated he doesn't find me attractive and I'm obviously too fat for him, but my bf has NEVER been subtle about looking at other women.
I'm not naive enough to think he will never look at anyone ever again, I recognise there is no harm in window shopping...but since day one he has never been discreet or respectful when an attractive girl is near, you see his neck break and he gawps.
It has always upset me and today I just snapped. I sulked all day as he stared at them for the entirety of the trip through his seedy sunglasses and on the way home I dared to make a comment about their backsides being in all his scenic photos....so essentially this is what set him off and prompted him to tell me our relationship is done.

I'm just incredibly sad and hurt that it's come to this and it feels like every time I'm at peace with the fact that I need to get as far away from him as possible, a little part of me says all those things that are shoved away in the back of my head:

I love him
I can't bare the thought of seeing him with someone else
What if I'm alone forever
What if I've missed my chance to have a family
What if it's a mistake
What if i miss him

I want to skip the part where I'm sad and just get straight to being angry at him but I can't.

I'm annoyed that in his head our relationship is heading for the rocks because of the way I look and not because of the 5 years of agony he's put me through.

I feel like a failure and a worthless big fat nobody.

I would also like to add that what upsets me the most is that I want justice for the suffering he's caused.

It feels unfair that he gets to walk away from this relationship beliving that he ended it because he wants the trophy girlfriend on his arm.

Where is my justice? I want him to know how much pain and misery he's put me through!!

The best revenge is to live your life.

Those women on the boat are only 'competition' because he wants them to be. Actually you are putting up with his shit and they are putting up with him perving, taking unwanted photos and judging them in their looks.

What a wanker. Enjoy your freedom!

Agree with @MrsTerryPratchett
Leaving him and being happier - as you most definitely will be - is the best "revenge"
I say revenge but really they are never worth getting that worked up and planning excessively over.

I promise you that you will feel lighter and brighter for putting an end to this. No more lowering your expectations and making excuses for him. You stand a real chance of happiness within yourself and ergo another man by being free of him. He doesn't love you, respect you or cherish you. Be thankful you don't have children with this wretched specimen, I can tell you from my own personal experience that is worse because you can't just walk away and be done with him.

Show him a clean pair of heels and give yourself the chance to live the kind of live you really want.

Instead of looking at those girls you (he) consider perfect, look at older couples, those who have lasted. I bet you see them in all shapes and colours. Look at people your size (and over). I bet you'll find many many many that are smiling and holding hands with someone else. It's his problem, his issue, he doesn't see women as people but as an object to brag about with mates. You will find someone who values you as a person, no matter your size of age or background. You will. You need to be single and out and about to find him, so heeey, leave him and get out there!

He is a nasty, seedy piece of shit. I can understand why you want to get back at him but as others say, living well really is the best revenge. I would not be surprised if, after the relationship has ended, he will be harassing you and wanting to make you beg to take him back. He wants to see you distraught at losing him. Don't engage with him. Get rid and enjoy your new life free of this scumbag. Find a new hobby, treat yourself to something new, just enjoy your life free of him. There are plenty of good people out there, and you have plenty of time to start a family with someone who is not pathetic.

He isn't really breaking up with you. He gets off on hurting you. He expects you to grovel at his feet like usual to get him to stay. No way he will give up his punching bag so easily. It's just another kick in the nuts for you.

So, you will actually be able to take control over breaking up with him. Don't grovel. Don't beg. Take him at his word. The day you get back, sort out the credit cards and savings (without telling him), block his number.

You can prove it to yourself that he is bluffing by going out on your own on the last day of the holiday. If you had really split up, he'd be happy about that. He will actually be livid that his punchbag is not available for punching. His last day will be utterly shit if he can't get his usual jollies by hurting you.

5 years ago he chose you as his girlfriend because of your low self-esteem. He knew you would be excessively grateful even for tiny scraps of affection, which is all he ever planned to give you. Not real affection, just enough pretence to dissuade you from leaving. He's wanted you as his puppet on a string. Having power and control over you makes him feel awesome - it's one huge ego trip.
I'm sorry, it really hurts to know this.
The good news is

• you don't live with him
• you aren't very tied to him financially
• you don't have children with him. PLEASE do not have children with him. There are many many posters on here whose lives and their children's lives are infinitely more difficult because their children's father is a man like this.
• he's ended the relationship and you are free to find someone respectful, kind, honest and trustworthy. He's done you the biggest favour. Just don't let him suck you back in with amazing promises - it's a 'thing' abusive men do, it's called future faking.

You can do SO MUCH BETTER. Really. Truly. Honestly. Yes, YOU.

It's important you do the Freedom Programme so you don't pick another dud partner next time.

His intention in saying that he's leaving you is to get you to grovel for him to stay with you. He's a narcissistic twat of the finest order. The nice person you met to start with was the fake person, the horrible one you are on holiday with is the real one. Immediately that you get home take the savings and pay off the credit card in full if possible then cancel it. Then take half of anything left and walk away. Tell him you agree with everything he said on holiday, that you are finished with the relationship and happy that he feels the same then tell him what you've done with credit card and savings and then block his number and every avenue of contact on social media. It will hurt but not as much as wasting any more of your life on this awful waste of space. Please do the freedom program and speak with women's aid as they can give you valuable advice. You can do this, don't be a doormat for him anymore.

He wants you to beg him to stay! This is not love. It's great that you've had an epiphany, open up to your parents if you can and get their support while rebuilding your life.

Please god get away from this twat! What a foul piece of shit he is. You poor girl. :(

Malibu19880
I can't bare the thought of seeing him with someone else In a few months time you will thank her for having him, as well as feel sorry for her.
What if I'm alone forever You will be happier!
What if I've missed my chance to have a family Having a family with a man like this will prolong the abuse and spoil the chances of your children growing into balanced human beings
What if it's a mistake He is already a mistake, don't persevere in this sh**, he will destroy you mentally and even maybe physically.
What if I miss him You will miss him because you got into it genuinely, you put your hear into it. Breaking up is painful. And you will mourn the ideal boyfriend that he portrayed but never ever was.

Good luck Malibu

What if it's a mistake?
A mistake leaving him? I'm usually the one who thinks that there is always two side to a story etc.
But this time I can categorically say IT IS NOT A MISTAKE
I didn't even have to read the whole of your OP to know that.

No one deserves to be shouted at, put down or insulted the way you are. It will not be a mistake to leave a man that is treating you like shit. NEVER.

But you CAN tell him that actually his behaviour during the hols has proven to you that he want worth taking with. All good he is wants to separate because if he hadn't said that, you would have. In effect, take back control on what is going in and from now on, take the lead.

I would even go on to plot my best revenge. Go and be happy, wo him.
Get some counselling (I suspect you will need to to entangle all the web of lies he has told you - incl the one about you being fat and unttractive. You do know that the most attractive woman in the world, Marilyn Monroe, was a size 16 dont you?).
Live your life and cut him of your life, completely. Remove his tel number, blank on FB, create a new account if that's easier. And do NOT get in touch with him again once you have picked up all your things.

But don't think he will ever understand why you are splitting up. He won't. Remember what you said yourself in your OP. This guy is EVIL (with words but not just that TBH)

I agree with Red re taking as much as you can from savings etc...
But please don't Ouse that as an excuse to stay longer than you need.
You can do a lot of that over the Internet today. And be ready to leave in Monday.

This guy is a very bad abuser. He will use all the tricks in the book to ensure you stay. If you stay too long, he will manage to reign you in again. Don't let let him to do that to you.

Have you talked to anyone in RL? Can they support you?

Thank your lucky stars he's ending it, because you don't have the strength to do it yourself.

He is a horrible man and I suggest counselling to help with your self esteem.

Well the update is that he was okay and acted normal for the final few days of the holiday..then decided to tell me on the plane home (after i caught him typing his break up message onto the notes app on his iphone) that he can't keep wasting his life with me when he's not attracted to me and that i'll never change (meaning my weight)
Most awkward plane home ever...

Then yesterday evening he picked me up from work and we had 'the talk' in his car where we talked everything through.

He cried, i didn't expect him to cry as much as he did...i felt sorry for him and it tugged on my heart strings.

He said that he can't help that he is attracted to skinny girls and that something is missing with me.

I told him that even when i had lost weight it wasn't good enough for him, and that it wouldn't matter if he was with megan fox...he would still never be happy and find something to criticise...and he agreed.

He told me i deserved better...and that i'll be okay...and that he hated himself for some of the things he says to me...

I feel so torn and confused. We've never gone through this before...like a proper breakup.

And i know re-reading my messages and everyone elses advice that this is for the best but seeing him so upset and sorry and feeling heartbroken and rejected like i do right now is killing me.

I love him and it hurts so much and there's part of me that desperately wants him to want me.

My head is just all over the place

OP this is absolutely for the best so grab it with both hands. Please stay strong and don't beg him to take you back. You are in an abusive relationship and he doesn't love you.

This is your chance to be free to make yourself happy.

My head is just all over the place

That's the idea...that's what they do.

@LellyMcKelly
Jesus Christ. Lose 11stone in 15 minutes by ditching that loser now.

👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻 this!!!! Get out now please while you can. He seems to think he's given you the elbow but doesn't realise you've been thinking it for ages! You will be so much happier please please don't go back ❤️

I think you'll find your panic attacks clearing up fairly fast by dumping this abusive man. You must feel anxious daily about your weight, about how he's going to react to you, wondering if the name calling will start!

Ask yourself if you'd accept this sort of treatment from a friend, I'm betting no! Build a new boundary of what behaviour is acceptable from a partner. Name calling? Judgements on weight? Insults? Oh and him admitting he's a shit doesn't make it OK basically all that means is he doesn't care if he hurts you!

Time to gather your strength and leave him because he's not good enough for you. Your self esteem and confidence will continue to take a battering every moment you stay.

You deserve peace. Your mental health is worth more than this man.
Seek counseling and support and don't fear the new life you CAN have that will be free of his insults and abuse.

That'll Teach me to not rtft
OP time to concentrate on you
This break up will of course hurt you but time to focus on you
Don't let thoughts of his 'tears' distract you from now healing and building yourself up again without his criticism.
Go no contact and seek RL support from friends n family

It's over. Sounds like it should never have started. Your partner should bring out the best in you not make you cry and feel awful X you deserve so much better.

I've been trying to put off the inevitable out of fear of feeling heart broken and now that he's left me I feel even worse and even more desperate.

My heart hurts so much and seeing him so upset at us breaking up makes me only remember the good in him and makes me desregard all the horrible things he's done and put me through over the years.

Being left by him makes me think that it's better being in the relationship with him than not...because I really can't bare the thought of him with someone else!

I understand that none of these feelings are right and I know the rational side of me knows deep down this has to happen but then there's just this part of me that would rather have a little bit of him than none at all, that he's not actually that bad and I could do much worse, that I'm just being dramatic, and everything is all my fault!!'n

I really can't bare the thought of him with someone else!

Me neither - the thought that another woman will have to put up with his abuse is shocking. Unfortunately you cannot absorb this on behalf of womankind.