Is my boyfriend emotionally abusive or am I over sensitive?

[Malibu19880]

It's got to the stage now where I'm having to post on a forum for advice from complete strangers because I can't think or see clearly anymore! Please can someone help me...

I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years now. We met online and instantly hit it off.

He was not my traditional type and I was not his but I believe we had something deeper than just the physical side of stuff so it worked.

He was charming and attentive at first, this is where I'm confused. He was loving and affectionate and I really felt happy...however he was always a bit hot headed from day one but I didn't have any clue about his level of anger, or his sharp tongue.

It revealed itself slowly. I don't want this to turn into war and peace so I'm a nutshell...you know when you have an argument with someone and there's always an exchange of things you wouldn't normally say unless you were angry...he's that person who in an argument will always "out do" you by bringing up that one thing you shouldn't say, and using it against you. He is EVIL with his words...that is the only way I can describe it. Just absolutely evil. Calls me every name under the sun, says horrible things to intentionally hurt me etc...

Anyway we lived together for 2 and a half years where I put up with his screaming fits at me for not doing his washing amongst other things I did constantly wrong...apparently I deserved to be screamed at because I offered to do it then didn't do it because I am lazy...and in my head I think well maybe he is right? But then I look at my parents & friends relationships and none of their husbands/boyfriends scream at them or speak to them with such cruelty as my boyfriend does...
I felt so alone when we lived together, I spent so many days crying my heart out because his constant criticisms and getting at me really made me feel worthless...we now don't live together due to circumstances outside our control but our current 'status' is that we are saving for a house

He is ALWAYS criticising me and putting me down. It was my birthday the other day and I asked him to be nice to me for just one day...he couldn't manage one single day he made me cry on my birthday.
He never wants to spend any time with me. He never wants to spend time with me or do anything with me unless it involves doing something he wants. There's no compromise in him. His attitude is that even if something will make me happy, if he doesn't want to do it then he doesn't have to. I have to attend friends weddings by myself, family functions etc.

I'm also not allowed to be vulnerable or down. He doesn't allow me to be sad, it isn't worth the criticism if I were to say I wasn't having a good day. I have to be switched on all the time. I suffer badly from panic attacks but he tells me to get over it, he doesn't think they're a real thing...

His thing at the moment is my weight. I have put some weight on which I'm trying to lose, I'm dieting and going to the gym...but he's given me a deadline saying that if I haven't got below 9 stone by January he's going to leave me...and he shouldn't be made to feel guilty because he doesn't find me attractive.

He is allowed to find my weight gain unattractive but he never supports or encourages me. It's always criticism...nothing's ever good enough. He sits on his ass all week and criticises me for skipping the gym for one night because I'm not well?! I ask him to come for walks or hikes with me to help my weight loss...he says no...

There's a a complete lack of intamcy in our relationship and there has been for quite some time but how does he expect me to want to be intimate with him when he's told me he doesn't find me or my body attractive?

He very rarely does anything kind or thoughtful for me. I do everything for him, cook clean take care of him etc. I was rolling over in period pain the other day and asked him could he get me some painkillers from the other room...he said no I should have got them before I came to bed and to stop being lazy??.?

Is it me :shock: why can't I leave this man....and if I'm that bad why doesn't he just leave me

I feel so trapped. I love him and have loved him for 5 years. I feel like I've invested so much of my time and energy into this relationship to just throw the towel in.

But the hurt gets worse and worse every day, and I'm so terrified of him leaving me that I just stay and desperately clutch on to whatever scraps he gives me...

Leave. Now.

It won't get better, and you have the rest of your life ahead of you.

Make a list now.
All the shit he's put you through.
Every little part of his abuse.
Make that big long list.
Include everything.
Every name he's called you, etc....
Then read and re-read.
And please get some counselling.
What you have been subjected to for year has knocked your self-esteem on the floor to the point you think this abusive cunt is a good option.
You need some help to understand why you put up with this for so long.

His whole sad/ broken-hearted thing was an act to jerk you around. It's not real.

I encourage you to read "Why does he do that? By Bancroft because I think it will help you make your peace with the end of this relationship and get your head in a better place before getting involved with some one new.

Start building your own life. Spend time with friends and family. Go see a happy movie. Do things you enjoy.

If he really loved and respected you he would never have treated you so badly in the first place. He's not worth your pity. The sad and sorry act is nonsense. Please don't get back with him. He is not a good man.

He's trying to reel you back in. And it's working.

So he cried. Did he give a shit when you were upset? Did he give a shit when you were in pain asking for medication? No. This is all an act.

He's basically negging you. Because he's a bastard. Tell him to fuck off and cut contact, then you will be in a position to find a decent man who loves you whatever weight you are.

Jesus-titty-fucking-Christ

I've never been more happy to read an update.

I'm really sorry that you're hurting right now. It sucks and you are in pain.

Please please belive us all that in a few months and forever more, you will come to realise how happy you are you are no longer with this emotional vampire and total all round cunt.

He has been emotionally abusing you.

Please DO NOT go back to him. Please please never ever have sex with this man again, if you ever have his kids you'll never truly be free of him.

You will emerge from this era a stronger happier person but he will always be a hateful mean person.
That is your revenge. You get to live your life away from him, not being harmed by him. In time you will (and I mean, you really will) find someone who doesn't treat you as though you're a shit stain.

Be kind to yourself.
DO NOT CONTACT HIM EVER AGAIN.
Ohmigod what a prick.

We all (well a lot of us) go through these feelings during a break up, we only remember the good stuff then start pining.
Please read through the stuff you have put on here and the stuff you haven't mentioned which im guessing is worse then get pissed off you have wasted 5 years on this asshole.

OP, you know when he cried, that was bs to get you to feel sorry for him! He thought that it would be fantastic to basically quieten you down so you wouldn't give him any shit and to GET MORE ATTENTION! It's funny, we all think we know our partners better than anyone else, I mean how can a bunch of strangers on an Internet forum know how the dynamics of a couple really is? It's cause we've all met TOSSERS LIKE THIS! If he was sorry, he would have learned that his cruel words and his apalling behaviour upsets you and he would STOP doing it! So which is he, cruel or fecking stupid?

OP, this is not love. There's not even 'like'.
Be happy that you are getting the end result that you want even if he thinks he's in control. I think it's better than him turning (more) abusive if you left him tbh.

Write that list of abuse hellsbells mentioned or just print out the posts you wrote and KEEP them. You don't deserve to be abused. Keep reminding yourself.

You need a girls night out or night in, to celebrate being free! Or there should be regional mumsnet SWAT teams to help out here.

How sad and horrible your life has been.The abuse has conditioned you to just accept it and get so low you can't imagine walking away from it.Don't fall for his sad act, he is trying to get you to accept his shitty ways,to forget the abuse and just carry on.
Yes it is difficult breaking up with someone,you have to do it.Do you think it will get any better.It won't.He is after a victim.Don't let it be you.

He's been toying with your emotions using your fears against you making you spend every moment thinking about how to please him!
All the if onlys all designed to keep you chasing your tail to amuse his sick need to be in total control of your esteem.

He's trained you to be addicted to his moods to crumble and second guess yourself to have no independent thought of own because if you did you did he knows you'd reject him and his abuse.
That was not love and if he was to find someone else he'd treat her the same. Is that what you fear: him abusing someone else? Because that's exactly what he'll do, rip another woman's esteem to shreds.

You've wasted 5 years of your life.

10 in fact, cos that's how long it'll take to have his poison leave your system

Never in the history of mumsnet has there ever been a post that asks the question you have asked, to be told no, it's you!

He's vile, you will never ever be happy with him, the very minute you're free of him, I promise, the feeling of freedom will start to manifest.

Get him gone asap.

I can assure you, ALL of those thoughts - you think you love him, you think you won't cope without him, you're the one hurting him - are HIS thoughts and HIS abuser tactics. He's conditioned you over the years to accept as your own even the thoughts he doesn't verbalise.

He clocked to your idea of leaving somehow (probably snooping and spying even on this thread) and is trying to head you off, which is EXACTLY why he "cried" and exactly why he explicitly said HE was the one leaving YOU. He is now trying to manipulate you into staying, because without his punch bag, how will he release stress??

He is a common, textbook abuser, and for your hown mental health and safety, you cannot AFFORD to waste an iota of care for his "feelings" any longer.

Please for the love of God just GO. Run a bloody mile and never ever look back. He will manage. He doesn't need you, and you certainly don't need him!

Please hear me out as this will likely sound harsh, even though I truly do not mean it that way:

I have been right where you are. He was a monster in every imaginable way. I was supporting him (and his drinking) as well as a tiny life, 100% on my own - he was nothing but an emotional, financial, logistical DRAIN! Yet somehow I was convinced that I needed him, loved him (pah!), would never cope without him, couldn't bear to hurt him, I'd never find anybody else, nobody would put up with my uselessness and ugliness and stupidity, and everything else you're saying. It wasn't until a friend actually witnessed him earnestly trying to kill me that I was able to snap out of it.

Looking back I realised ALL of those were HIS thoughts, HIS conditioning, HIS manipulation. The real me, somewhere buried deep, knew it was all bollocks. Looking back not long after I left - and I mean mere days - I felt like a complete IDIOT to believe anything he forced upon me, for letting him hurt me, for making excuses, for everything. It was so unnecessary.

NOTHING I'd believed was true, ever. Not one word of it.

You CAN do it, and there's even a part of you that knows it! You WILL do it. And you will REJOICE in probably just a weeks time.

He is a monster, and there is just NO REASON for you to stay with him!

YES @Applebloom EXACTLY!

@OP read her post. Please. It's the truth, and I'm sure there is a part of you that knows it.

I'm so relieved for you that he's been such a heartless prick and ended things.
It's the greatest gift you'll ever get in life.

How old are you?
Why do you think your life is over?

The questions you should be asking yourself are....

How and why did I endure him for so long and what can I learn from this part of my life?

Won't it be nice to be free to be myself whatever that is and to allow myself the chance of real happiness away from a man with weight peccadillos and a unsubstantiated superiority complex?

Take it from someone who is going through hell right now because she had children with an emotional abuser who has tried to destroy her life and reputation in every way.

Please let him fuck off and find someone else with snake hips and the hide of a rhino who will hopefully crush his monstrous egos chew him up and spit him out. Or not. Not your concern.

Oh and those beautiful gorgeous girls on the boat? Do you think for a second they'd want to be treated like shit by this man? Do you think they were flattered to be perved over by man who has his girlfriend with him? They'll have seen his behaviour and felt sorry for you being with such a git. He wouldn't stand a chance with any normal confident woman - and he's ensured that you have lost your confidence and your idea of normality is askew. But it's not lost forever, it's just mislaid. No matter what your waist measurement is, your intelligence, your niceness, your kindness, your abilities, all of those things are still there as they do not depend on your size. What has he got? He has to manipulate someone to stay in a relationship with him. He might not be fat but he's an ugly person. Run! Treat yourself with the kindness he refuses you. Best wishes

So i (reluctantly) decided to access the counselling service at work to talk things through in person, feeling embarrassed and over dramatic... i sat in this ladies office whilst she asked me questions about my childhood and said lots of 'hmmmm's and 'and how do you feel'

She essentially told me that I needed to think about my enabling behaviour and to take responsibility for my part in the abuse.

So I've basically come out of her office, having entered there full of shame and guilt anyway, feeling worse than ever.

I recognise that I need to establish why I have put up with this behaviour for so long...and i'm doing lots of reading and trying to educate myself as much as possible.

But what i'm really looking for is that 'penny drop' moment in my brain where i truly, 100% recognise that his behaviour IS abusive and that it's not my fault (hence why i posted here)

And instead of getting that clarity from a professional, i now feel like it is my fault for putting up with it...

I would interpret her comments a different way.

This isn't about him. You can't change him. This is about you, your life and your choices. You can change your choices. You can choose to not put up with it, which means leaving him.

From what you've written here I see that you know this relationship damages you. Your problem is your failure to let yourself walk away from it. That's all about you.

She knows all that, so she was leading you to understand yourself and why you choose to stay, so that you can change and leave.

She was never going to hand you a "permission to leave" card stapled to a certificate declaring him to be an abuser.

If you want her to confirm to you that it is OK to leave the relationship then state that up front in the next session.

Be aware that she will not diagnose him, label him an abuser, anything like that. She doesn't know him. She's not treating him. She's only thinking about you and your best interests.

I guess that's something you aren't used to. You are used to everything revolving around him.

I suspect that he is choosing to end things now because he's either snooped on you and found this thread or he's sensed a change in you and panicked that you will leave him

It really is for the best

I'd also interpret it differently.

First you are "addicted" to him - so like any addiction you need to break the habit. Maybe reward yourself after so many days without him.

Second look at "the Freedom programme" which will help you not fall for the same kind of person again.

I remember my wise friend saying exactly what your therapist said to you

I too found it incredibly hurtful that I had to take some responsibility for how things were....not that I was an abuser but why I wasn't able to leave - which as the excellent post above states is the only thing I can control. I can't control his behaviour and never will.

It's a painful awful question but is one you have to work through. And it will change your whole life when you do 🤓

You are not responsible for his abuse of you
but only you can make the choice to no longer put up with it and to recognize the unhealthy dysfunctional relationship that it is/was and will be if you return.

You need to protect your mental health and sanity from this man.
It is now up to you to build up some boundaries of what behaviour from others is unacceptable and to remove those from your life who try to test or demolish these boundaries.

In my experience, you don't get that penny drop moment for some time. It won't happen right away. Something completely unrelated may jog you, or you may just wake up one day with a new understanding. But (again IME) you've got to be out of the situation for a while and able to look back on it from a fair distance.

This REALLY helped me to get through what I'd experienced, quite a while afterward, actually. I normally don't like the guy's music, but this really resonated with me, and still does. Maybe it will help you.

Walk away. Please. Feel your hurt and pain through your OP