Is my boyfriend emotionally abusive or am I over sensitive?

[Malibu19880]

It's got to the stage now where I'm having to post on a forum for advice from complete strangers because I can't think or see clearly anymore! Please can someone help me...

I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years now. We met online and instantly hit it off.

He was not my traditional type and I was not his but I believe we had something deeper than just the physical side of stuff so it worked.

He was charming and attentive at first, this is where I'm confused. He was loving and affectionate and I really felt happy...however he was always a bit hot headed from day one but I didn't have any clue about his level of anger, or his sharp tongue.

It revealed itself slowly. I don't want this to turn into war and peace so I'm a nutshell...you know when you have an argument with someone and there's always an exchange of things you wouldn't normally say unless you were angry...he's that person who in an argument will always "out do" you by bringing up that one thing you shouldn't say, and using it against you. He is EVIL with his words...that is the only way I can describe it. Just absolutely evil. Calls me every name under the sun, says horrible things to intentionally hurt me etc...

Anyway we lived together for 2 and a half years where I put up with his screaming fits at me for not doing his washing amongst other things I did constantly wrong...apparently I deserved to be screamed at because I offered to do it then didn't do it because I am lazy...and in my head I think well maybe he is right? But then I look at my parents & friends relationships and none of their husbands/boyfriends scream at them or speak to them with such cruelty as my boyfriend does...
I felt so alone when we lived together, I spent so many days crying my heart out because his constant criticisms and getting at me really made me feel worthless...we now don't live together due to circumstances outside our control but our current 'status' is that we are saving for a house

He is ALWAYS criticising me and putting me down. It was my birthday the other day and I asked him to be nice to me for just one day...he couldn't manage one single day he made me cry on my birthday.
He never wants to spend any time with me. He never wants to spend time with me or do anything with me unless it involves doing something he wants. There's no compromise in him. His attitude is that even if something will make me happy, if he doesn't want to do it then he doesn't have to. I have to attend friends weddings by myself, family functions etc.

I'm also not allowed to be vulnerable or down. He doesn't allow me to be sad, it isn't worth the criticism if I were to say I wasn't having a good day. I have to be switched on all the time. I suffer badly from panic attacks but he tells me to get over it, he doesn't think they're a real thing...

His thing at the moment is my weight. I have put some weight on which I'm trying to lose, I'm dieting and going to the gym...but he's given me a deadline saying that if I haven't got below 9 stone by January he's going to leave me...and he shouldn't be made to feel guilty because he doesn't find me attractive.

He is allowed to find my weight gain unattractive but he never supports or encourages me. It's always criticism...nothing's ever good enough. He sits on his ass all week and criticises me for skipping the gym for one night because I'm not well?! I ask him to come for walks or hikes with me to help my weight loss...he says no...

There's a a complete lack of intamcy in our relationship and there has been for quite some time but how does he expect me to want to be intimate with him when he's told me he doesn't find me or my body attractive?

He very rarely does anything kind or thoughtful for me. I do everything for him, cook clean take care of him etc. I was rolling over in period pain the other day and asked him could he get me some painkillers from the other room...he said no I should have got them before I came to bed and to stop being lazy??.?

Is it me :shock: why can't I leave this man....and if I'm that bad why doesn't he just leave me

I feel so trapped. I love him and have loved him for 5 years. I feel like I've invested so much of my time and energy into this relationship to just throw the towel in.

But the hurt gets worse and worse every day, and I'm so terrified of him leaving me that I just stay and desperately clutch on to whatever scraps he gives me...

On my birthday I had two more plates of sushi than him...he counted my plates and gave me the look of death, then reminded me that December wasn't far off (I.e the date he would be leaving me when I hadn't reached his goal weight) I went to the toilet and cried my heart out...I'd never felt so fat in all my life.

When we lived together he'd stay up late and I'd go to bed before him, I'd be fast asleep and he'd come to bed and turn the telly on every night...because it helped him sleep...i didn't have a choice in the matter...if he was asleep and I couldn't sleep and was on my phone for example, he'd say 'it's bed time what are you doing' and like an obedient dog I'd stop whatever I was doing and go to sleep.

Same with the window open, on hot nights I'd quite like to sleep with the window open but that wasn't allowed, and if I didn't like it...i was ordered to the spare room.

He threw me out of the house for a week once when he went on my iPad history and saw I had been snooping at his ex gf on facebook (after she randomly followed me on instagram - my curiosity got the better of me not my finest hour) he screamed and shouted that day like no other -- apparently I had completely broken his trust, I look back now and think hang on, you broke mine by going on my iPad history.

I can't even tell you the amount of times we've been following sat navs (I'm a hopeless front seat passenger) and we've gone the wrong way and he's screamed and shouted at me about how much of a "f*ing moron" I am and how I can never do anything right.

We were at a football match and I was waiting in the queue to get him his beer, it was a particularly hot day and he went to the toilet whilst I was still in the queue...it was really busy and so noisy and I was on edge that day so I had a mini panic attack and had to leave the queue to sit in my seat to clam down...when he realised I hadn't got him a beer he went absolutely ballistic at me, full on screaming about how pathetic I was.

On one of his birthdays I took him away to a hotel for the night. I had bought some sexy underwear from Anne summers (first time I'd ever had the confidence to do anything like that!) I came out dressed up and his response....I've not had enough to drink for THAT
(and yet I'm still to blame for our non existent sex life apoarently)

I left his wet washing in the machine once for like 2 days, he screamed at me for being lazy and threw the washing at me...

I'm so embarrassed. These are just a fraction of the things he's done.

And yet, he can be so kind and loving and funny and understanding...he surprised me with a kitten one Christmas. It was the most loving and thoughtful thing anyone has ever done for me. And he loves our cat, absolutely asdores her, would do anything for her ... he's incredible with her and treats her far better than he treats me.

His mother is an evil psychopath that has created this monster, they're cut from the same cloth and as I have mother teresa syndrome I act like a saint and allow him to do all the above to me and more because he's a "damaged soul"

I know I have some fire in my belly because I've come here to open myself up to the reality of the situation. Sometimes you need people with no inside perspective to tell you things how they really are..

My friends and family are very supportive and hate seeing me hurt but I hide a lot from them, plus he's not the classic abuser in the sense that he is not jealous or possessive and doesn't try to isolate me from my friends and family. He is always charming and lovely to the outsiders....

We go on holiday next week (which I am dreading) and he's already told me we wouldn't be together if we weren't going on holiday next week so hopefully this is the beginning of the end.

Adding my voice to the chorus. He's absolutely horrid; you are not over sensitive.

Because you are not living together right now, this is the ideal time to break free of him. Is anything financial/legally entangled? Or can you just break free?

Has he ever pushed you, blocked you from an exit, shook you, or any other type of physical abuse? I'm concerned that he may escalate to violence when you break free. Please think through your exit plan and protect yourself. You are special, and you have so much to bring to the world.

We have joint savings and credit cards...the money aspect doesn't bother me though, although my parents don't have a pot to piss in they will always put a roof over my head and food on the table so I can't want for much else

And we are both currently living back at our parents to save, so yes now would be the ideal time to go.

The moving back to our parents homes was my idea, I wanted to see what life would be like living without him and not having to be his servant or house keeper day in, day out.

I am much stronger and independent now I'm not living with him and don't spend every day of my life in tears (only when he comes round!)

It's like a plaster, I've ripped a little bit of it off but now I just need to rip the full thing off and be done with it!

Do it!!! You are in the best position to do it at the moment, since you are back at your parents

Jesus Christ. Lose 11stone in 15 minutes by ditching that loser now.

"We have joint savings and credit cards...the money aspect doesn't bother me though"

My advice is to get very organized without him knowing it. Do you have all the account numbers? Can you access the statements?

Before you tell him the jig is up, cancel the credit cards or he could punish you by charging to the max on them and leave you with the debt. Also move the savings (or half the savings) into your name only.

Perhaps someone else can let you know about legal things you need to put in place to protect yourself.

Although your parents will take care of you, you don't want to be paying for this bastard forever. Cover your a$$. Make a plan, and be smart about how you end it.

Definitely take this chance to cancel the credit cards and open a new account and transfer half of the money. I'd like to say take it all but I'm keeping the moral high ground here. That way you have lined up your finances to leave him. You've taken control back.
You
Can
Do
This and
You
ARE
Worth
It!!!!

Love he is a horrible person! He thinks of nothing an no one but himself! My ex was like that to! I didn't understand he use to be so good to me and then I could do nothing to please him! He ruined every holiday and special occasion! He put me through bloody hell! A friend of mine told me about a site she had found, she wouldn't tell me what it was. I checked it out and started reading some of the posts and realized this was exactly some of the things I was going through! I felt sick! I kept following and eventually started to participate and now I'm so happy that I did! I left him and stopped all contact with him. I didn't think I'd ever be able to do that! It's taken 2 years but I'm finally starting to find my self worth again. Please check out this site or find a councilor to talk to! You do not deserve to be treated like that!! narcsite.com bless you

Erm, do you live in Lancashire? Does he have Polish parents (now deceased)? If so, you need to get out of this relationship, because if he's my ex (and what you've written is exactly the things he did to me) then your life is in danger.

Mumsnet is getting weird lately, first I swear my sister was in here, now someone's writing about my ex

He is very very abusive. Those nice things you say he does - other men will do things without the abuse as well. You need to get out of this relationship asap. Remember he does not control you, you can do as you like. Take back your power.
My ex was exactly like this. I wish I'd had people in my life pointing out to me just how bad it was, with some support I think I would've left earlier. He made me feel like no one else would ever want me, which was obviously never true.
First of all I would block his phone number. Then I would cancel the credit card, and while doing that do a quick transfer of half the savings. Then I would block him on social media (if you do it before he may notice and get suspicious). Make sure his number is blocked so he can't call you and try to talk you out of it or scream at you. Tell your parents so they don't let him in the house.
Please call your local dv, I'm sure they'll have great advice. You need support.

And don't go on holiday with him. You don't have to.
I left my relationship with a shit tonne of bills and had to start again. Best thing I ever did.

Malibu you sound like a fantastic woman, very switched on and emotionally intelligent, please believe me when I say you will fly without him dragging you down.

This is a massive crossroads for you, you could leave him, feel crap for a bit while you heal from the damage he's done and then go on to meet someone decent and have a lovely life. Or you could stay, buy a house with him and disappear further and further inside yourself until you don't even know who you are anymore.

You know what you need to do, yes it will be hard at first but surely years and years (potentially) of being treated like this would be harder? Dont waste your life on a cunt like him, you deserve better

This is awful and scary OP. What is there about him to love. He doesn't love you, he keeps you around to torture you and control you. Please please leave this evil horrible bully and be happy. Because I promise you, you'll be far happier without him.

Show your parents your posts if they don't know the truth. They will be shocked but it will help them support you. Don't go on holiday, but don't be alone when you tell him (well, make sure you have back up nearby, because he won't take it well.) in fact that can be when you tell him it's over.
stay strong.

Tell him when he comes over when your parents are there. After you have removed your part of the savings and closed the credit card.

Then you need to go no contact. I mean it. None.

When you finish it no emotion to you stick to the facts. It's over between us. Do not engage in any discussion, blame or emotion.

You can do this. Once it's done you will flourish again, because you are strong x

Every post you make is worse than the last one. He is completely abusive towards you and I think you're starting to realise you need to leave him. Would your parents be supportive if you told them about all this? I agree you need to go non contact once you've sorted the finance out

As someone who put up with shitty relationships (nowhere near as bad as yours, on a scale of 1-10 with 10 being horrific, yours is a 10) I then met my now Dh.

If I hadn't have experienced such awful boyfriends I wouldn't have appreciated how lovely someone could be, genuinely lovely.

In fact I am still in bed on my laptop waiting for our children to wake up who are now 14 and 11. Dh has just bought me a lovely cup of tea like he does every week day. I am a SAHM.

I read about relationships like yours and I want to come round and tell you to your face that you are worth more than this. You should feel loved and cherished and appreciated. You should laugh every day, your partner should be your best friend, your biggest fan.

I have been on MN for over a decade and there is a sticky at the top of the relationships board from 2009 and I am going to link it here. Because the poster (Reality) says it better than me

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody

You need to read this, today.

Make decisions, move half those savings, cancel the credit card and start your new life.

You can do this. You will do this. Because you deserve better.

He's a wanker!!!

Oh honey this is just awful to read I can't imagine what it's like to feel trapped by your emotions in this situation but you need to forget the love you feel for him (are you sure it's not fear?) and get out! Perfect opportunity to do so now! He is a cat and you are the mouse he is torturing - I wish you all the strength in the world and that you find that fire in your belly to up and leave him

Malibu,

re your comment:-
"he's not the classic abuser in the sense that he is not jealous or possessive and doesn't try to isolate me from my friends and family. He is always charming and lovely to the outsiders...."

What you write above is a classic abuser profile right down to the charming to outsiders. He bought you a kitten to keep you with him, it was all part of his plan to keep you around to abuse. He got with you to drag you down with him into his pit.

Abuse as well thrives on secrecy and covering up abuse helps no-one particularly you; please tell your parents the whole truth now.

Cancel the credit card and do not go on holiday with him. It will be no holiday for you anyway, it will just give him more opportunity to abuse you further.

Like mother like son in his case. You were targeted by him and deliberately so. He sensed your rescuer and or saviour tendencies of yours and honed in on those accordingly.

Abusive individuals like this can take an awful long time, years even, to recover from. That recovery will only start to happen properly once you are away from him completely. I would urge you to contact Womens Aid (they can also help you here) and enrol on their Freedom Programme to help you go forward as well. This will help you re boundaries in relationships and raising your own relationship bar. You also need to read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft.

TrailingWife has it on the practical side. Definitely do all that.

You owe this man nothing. Not even an explanation of why you're leaving him.

I'm glad you can see it now. He is abusive. You sound brilliant. You can do so much better. You can leave him.

The advice you've had about transferring half the money and cancelling credit cards one day then dumping the bastard while your parents are in, then going no contact with him at all... It's good advice

Op

Please come to your senses. Do not go on holiday with him. Just tell him it's over.

He is going to beg you back, threaten suicide and then turn on you - not necessarily in that order.

Like you said you pity him. He is so despicable you pity him.

He bought the kitten for you yet he adores it? Are you sure it was really for you? Sounds like he wanted it himself

This man won't change - he will get worse - there are laws against emotional abuse now and you could even report him if you wanted to.

Please tell a friend what's been going on. You need to open up to keep yourself safe. This man is emotionally destroying you. The after effects will be felt a long time after he is gone.

Please think about yourself and put yourself first

Def cancel the credit cards and split half of your savings. Also I wouldn't go on holiday with him, it'll just give him more opportunities to be abusive to you. Well done for reaching out for help.