Is my boyfriend emotionally abusive or am I over sensitive?

[Malibu19880]

It's got to the stage now where I'm having to post on a forum for advice from complete strangers because I can't think or see clearly anymore! Please can someone help me...

I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years now. We met online and instantly hit it off.

He was not my traditional type and I was not his but I believe we had something deeper than just the physical side of stuff so it worked.

He was charming and attentive at first, this is where I'm confused. He was loving and affectionate and I really felt happy...however he was always a bit hot headed from day one but I didn't have any clue about his level of anger, or his sharp tongue.

It revealed itself slowly. I don't want this to turn into war and peace so I'm a nutshell...you know when you have an argument with someone and there's always an exchange of things you wouldn't normally say unless you were angry...he's that person who in an argument will always "out do" you by bringing up that one thing you shouldn't say, and using it against you. He is EVIL with his words...that is the only way I can describe it. Just absolutely evil. Calls me every name under the sun, says horrible things to intentionally hurt me etc...

Anyway we lived together for 2 and a half years where I put up with his screaming fits at me for not doing his washing amongst other things I did constantly wrong...apparently I deserved to be screamed at because I offered to do it then didn't do it because I am lazy...and in my head I think well maybe he is right? But then I look at my parents & friends relationships and none of their husbands/boyfriends scream at them or speak to them with such cruelty as my boyfriend does...
I felt so alone when we lived together, I spent so many days crying my heart out because his constant criticisms and getting at me really made me feel worthless...we now don't live together due to circumstances outside our control but our current 'status' is that we are saving for a house

He is ALWAYS criticising me and putting me down. It was my birthday the other day and I asked him to be nice to me for just one day...he couldn't manage one single day he made me cry on my birthday.
He never wants to spend any time with me. He never wants to spend time with me or do anything with me unless it involves doing something he wants. There's no compromise in him. His attitude is that even if something will make me happy, if he doesn't want to do it then he doesn't have to. I have to attend friends weddings by myself, family functions etc.

I'm also not allowed to be vulnerable or down. He doesn't allow me to be sad, it isn't worth the criticism if I were to say I wasn't having a good day. I have to be switched on all the time. I suffer badly from panic attacks but he tells me to get over it, he doesn't think they're a real thing...

His thing at the moment is my weight. I have put some weight on which I'm trying to lose, I'm dieting and going to the gym...but he's given me a deadline saying that if I haven't got below 9 stone by January he's going to leave me...and he shouldn't be made to feel guilty because he doesn't find me attractive.

He is allowed to find my weight gain unattractive but he never supports or encourages me. It's always criticism...nothing's ever good enough. He sits on his ass all week and criticises me for skipping the gym for one night because I'm not well?! I ask him to come for walks or hikes with me to help my weight loss...he says no...

There's a a complete lack of intamcy in our relationship and there has been for quite some time but how does he expect me to want to be intimate with him when he's told me he doesn't find me or my body attractive?

He very rarely does anything kind or thoughtful for me. I do everything for him, cook clean take care of him etc. I was rolling over in period pain the other day and asked him could he get me some painkillers from the other room...he said no I should have got them before I came to bed and to stop being lazy??.?

Is it me :shock: why can't I leave this man....and if I'm that bad why doesn't he just leave me

I feel so trapped. I love him and have loved him for 5 years. I feel like I've invested so much of my time and energy into this relationship to just throw the towel in.

But the hurt gets worse and worse every day, and I'm so terrified of him leaving me that I just stay and desperately clutch on to whatever scraps he gives me...

I left my husband with my kids and their pushchair and the clothes on my back.

Being left with nothing was the best thing I've ever done.

Leave now while you aren't actually living together, before he can take your personal possessions from you too.

He admits he's s bastard so he can absolve himself of responsibility, so he can believe that you choose for him to do this but that's bollocks. He can choose to stop. He won't though becuase he's an abusive bastard.

You know it's not right or you wouldnt post here.

You deserve to be free from his poison.

Yes, he's emotionally abusive sweetie. You definitely deserve so much more than him! Can you do anything about the money situation without him knowing? Or do you have a supportive family that you can turn to?

Just remember that you do not deserve this xx

Lose the weight - the dead weight, that's him. End it now before you're financially tied to him with a house etc. You deserve so much better.

I've been in tears reading all your responses.

I suppose I don't feel like I deserve better and that's part of the reason why I put up with his behaviour. My self worth is so low that I have convinced myself I am lucky to even be in this relationship.

My head says I'll never find anyone else etc all the usual cliches...

Before I met him, if you asked me would I put up with the things I have put up with over the past 5 years I would have laughed at the mere suggestion.

Now I'm here and I've become that woman I never thought I'd be.

I'm very passive and have never been a fighter so that's why it's lasted so long, I feel sorry for him and think that by being kind I can make him better...again another cliche..

I know I'm ticking all these boxes, I'm hearing what everyone is saying, and yet when I build up the confidence to walk away he becomes nice and I melt and convince myself it's not that bad!

I wish I had written a list of all the horrible and cruel things hes done and said to me over the years so I could look at it all in black and white and realise how unhappy I actually am!

Ok so when you're in an abusive relationship it's hard to see or think clearly.

What made me finally realise i was in a toxic relationship was when a friend said "would you be happy if your daughter was with someone like him?" Massive Light bulb moment!

I know you don't have kids but would you want more for your best friend or family member? If yes then he's not good enough for you either (which he's def not!)

Please google narcissists. Watch YouTube videos on emotionally abusive men. You'll be surprised how many boxes he'll tick!

I know it's not ALL BAD, that's why we stay.. and they know this.
When is he good? (Probs after being really bad)

You will miss him etc because he's been your life for 5 years (you can get support through this), but this is as good as it gets. In fact it'll get worse. Don't waste time by putting off the inevitable. There's millions of decent guys out there who would love and cherish you x

Work on your self esteem then the game will change 💪🏼👍🏼🙌🏼😊 xx

I am not normally one to scream abuse or ltb but he is horrible. The comment about the weight would make me want to eat cream cakes every day until January so that I am well above 9st, which sounds incredibly light anyway unless you are about 4'10"

well, make a start right here, right now.

Exactly.. he's nice when you're about to leave.

That's a tactic NOT LOVE

Honestly please have a google. You'll feel so much stronger once you educate yourself on this stuff xxx

@Malibu19880

He is most definitely emotionally abusing you. Emotional abuse is now recognised in law and enshrined in certain offences as illegal and a component of domestic abuse or violence.

I've left one of these fuckers not long ago and I've got two soon to be three kids with him. As hard as it is it's the best and only thing I could do.

People like this will use you up and spit you out.
Please leave.

You are worth so much more. I'm a month in and the peace I feel - though I've a mountain to climb - is palpable.

So sorry you are going through this, but being alert and uneasy is good. Trust your instincts and get the hell out of Dodge 💐

he is nice when you are about to leave.

excellent.

this means he can be nice, he just chooses to treat you like a piece of shit the rest of the time. his actual choice is to do that to you week in, week out.

@anniemac1984 or tells you he forgives you because he loves you and you just need a bit of help.
I still want to puke when I relive reading that dross.

You are so right. It is all tactics. When you see them for what they are: stripped bare in the cold ugly light of day you must take that incredulity and pain and use it to free yourself.

nothing stops you from writing that list. But actually the thread already says a lot

Leave that wanker right now. Do it . Your worth a million times more than shit like him. Don't give him a second thought. Fucking arsholes like that deserve being dumped from the highest of hights. Good luck OP.

He sounds disgusting and horrible and you aren't over sensitive but he'll have conditioned you to make you feel like it's all you. Could you buy and read the Lundy Bancroft book by way of a first step? That was my first step out of an abusive relationship and even after that it took me 3 attempts until I finally left. I was a different person , a shell of a person completely confused and overwhelmed by the simplest of things as every thing I did was wrong. Also he won't leave you as he has it easy. Can you imagine if he said the stuff he said to you now on your first date? You'd have run for the hills but he reeled you in, he was nice until you were hooked. Now you want that nice one to come back but he was a facade and doesn't exist. You need to build up your strength and get away from this shit excuse for a man as soon as possible. It's really hard though as your confidence is continually being sapped by him. I highly recommend the Lundy book though and well done to you on paying attention to normal relationships and noticing the contrast with your own. Also it's good you don't live with him. I hope you find the strength to drag yourself away from him soon.

Your self-worth is so low because of that manipulating twat! I was in a very controlling/abusive relationship and it took a couple of years to get any sort of confidence in myself back. Get rid lovely, he's a bastard

Malibu, it's like quitting smoking, you know you should but it's harder than it looks from the outside and it takes you a few goes at it, but you get there x

He is extremely abusive, please leave him before he makes you ill! X

I wish I had written a list of all the horrible and cruel things hes done and said to me over the years so I could look at it all in black and white and realise how unhappy I actually am!

You have just written a list of all the horrible cruel things he has done. Add to it, you have support here.

What do you mean when you say you'll be left with nothing? If you're currently living separately and "saving for a house" what exactly does that mean? Are you giving him money?

It's very very hard to walk away when you have invested so much of yourself but that is what you have to do.
Fear paralyses people .You are afraid of starting again ,being on your own but every extra day you stay with him is another day of your life wasted.
I hope you find your courage

Are the saving all in his name? That's bloody convenient, isn't it? Get legal advice if you need it. Then leave.

He's a cunt and he knows he's a cunt, as he says himself. He's trying to make you feel as shit as he is as a person in order for him to feel like you're on the same level.
You're worth so much more, certainly more than someone who is so messed up that he's projecting all his problems onto you. You can and you will be happy with this person out of your life.

Definitely abusive. I was in the same situation as you a few years ago. 5 years too. Every New Year's Day I'd wish that he found someone else and would quit the relationship, because I didn't have the strength. He had managed to put distance between me and all my friends by slowly chipping away, making me choose, being awkward and selfish around them... I was alone and very scared of how I could move out. I didn't work at the time either. I looked for a room in a shared flat with mature students, I got a part time job that paid for the room and food, I left quickly and abandoned any items that were not necessary. It was like being born again. Oh. My. God. How blind I had been!! I made friends through the flat share, I went back to studying, I got better jobs, I then met my now husband and have my lovely children. I look back and think "WTH!?". At the time, I thought everyone had this kind of relationship behind closed doors. But nope. Not true. That's what HE wanted me to think! Please leave. Start living again. The love of your life might be around the corner, you just need to be out of the house, single and available to meet him/her! :)

He is utterly, utterly vile. You need to split from him. You are not living together at the moment, are you renting? If he has keys, ask the landlord to change the locks. What do you mean about having some joint finances? Are these just the savings for a house? You need to get back the money you have put in. You don't want to move in with someone who ..
Calls you vile names
Shouts at you
Gives you deadlines to lose weight
Constantly criticises you
Shows no sympathy when you are unwell and belittles you
Is not interested in intimacy
Treats you like a ski year but says you are lazy
Isn't interested in spending time with you
Only want to do stuff he likes
Etc etc

You deserve better. No one deserves to be treated like this. No one!

I forgot to say that I also had a lot of money invested in the house we lived together. Everything was in his name. I had been working when I first met him and had a bit of money that ended up decorating his place and paying builders ... It does not matter! You can get that money again. Happiness has no price