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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I think I want to leave my df

173 replies

Maddogs · 22/08/2017 00:18

So we have been together 3 years. I was 18 months out of a really bad 10 year relationship with the only joy a DD.

DF has a DS. When he is here the kids ask me to play board games, sing, bake etc.

There is so much I could say. He begged for a dog (now have 2) Never walks them. He doesn't contribute financially other than take aways and frilly stuff.

Embarrasses me in front of my parents re money and entitlement.

Straw that broke my back? Went shopping for camping holiday. He told my DD pick what you want.
Then said ring grandad to pay for it and started putting what she picked back.

I walked out carrying a crying confused child and screamed like a banshee in the car park at him. How fucking dare he do that to a child!!!

Today he pretended it was all in my head. That he is stressed at work, is sorry but won't admit what he did. Is trying to make it about me being moody.

I think I've just hit a road block emotionally.
Meant to be getting married next year. Am I over reacting?

OP posts:
Maddogs · 01/09/2017 19:32

Me probably

OP posts:
ijustwannadance · 01/09/2017 19:36

You are going to marry the twat who doesn't financially contribute although earning a decent wage, is a controlling nasty bastard and has already been abusive to your child.

Then in a couple of years when you are at the point where he has taken your sanity, he will then be able to take half of the house and security that is your childs future.

Maddogs · 01/09/2017 19:40

What's normal? I can remember helping my mum pack my stepdad's suitcase after a row. Doors slamming. He would get in from work, sit down and turn kids tv over to the news. He would say when you pay the bills you can watch what you want.

I guess I've judged DP by my own SD.

Is everyone's DP pleasant and no rows?

OP posts:
Maryhadalittlelamb12 · 01/09/2017 19:44

Why ask? You know what to do. Is it just about attention?

Maddogs · 01/09/2017 19:44

Having said that my SD would walk over coals for me. Bought me a sofa, 2 cars. Financially supported me when I kicked ex out for 2 years to help with nursery fees. I love him like a dad and vice versa. I guess I saw DP in the same mould.

OP posts:
custardcreamplease · 01/09/2017 19:48

Read that post back to yourself. It's all along the lines of

"I'm on edge.....like a meerkat......he'll explode.... I know how to deal with abuse"

The fact you are even thinking this way shows that you don't trust him, he is volatile, you don't feel safe with him, and you are aware he could turn at any minute.

If you had a dangerous dog in the house, would you let your DD pet it because it wagged its tail?

Your DD is either suffering from his shitty behaviour, or when he's being nice, she's walking on egg shells right along with you, waiting for the sea change.

You've done a really, really good job of getting where you are financially, you've worked hard and stood on your own two feet. Why the hell are you endangering this for one minute,by putting up with this silly bloody man? At the minute he's providing nothing you couldn't get from Ann Summers.

I know I'm being harsh, but it's his awful treatment of your daughter that's the worst thing about this. Because it means you're going to lose her. It's a very different dynamic, when the abusive partner is a shit to the kids as biological parent stands by. The narrative changes from "brave mum took the abuse and did the best for us" to "selfish, weak mum stood by and let him treat us like shit because she couldn't put her kids before a man"

I have experience of this and I'm telling you now, that's how it will pan out with your daughter, once she's old enough to put two and two together.

Kids can forgive their parents many things, but sacrificing their happy childhood to stay with the man you're fucking isn't one of them

Maddogs · 01/09/2017 19:49

Ouch Mary no it isn't. It's a major life decision. It takes more than a few weeks to make a decision that'll affect the rest of my life.

There's been laughter, fun and some bloody great times too, when he wasn't an arse. I guess I want that back with him. Because he was the person I was the most honest person with. He washed my bum when I broke both of my arms. Then he talks to me like something scrapped off his shoe. I'm pissed off and confused

OP posts:
Maddogs · 01/09/2017 19:58

That resonated with me custard thank you. I need to take some time off this thread to have a serious think. Because my daughter is the single most precious thing I ever did in my life.

OP posts:
BIWI · 01/09/2017 19:59

FFS. Just read this thread and imagine it's someone else posting it.

Can you not see how horrible this man is? He doesn't love you at all! And he certainly doesn't love your DD.

Why would you inflict him on her? You say she's your world, but you're not behaving like that.

Breezy1985 · 01/09/2017 20:01

Your poor DD Sad

custardcreamplease · 01/09/2017 20:04

Don't overcomplicate things. Just because it's a hard decision doesn't mean it's not an obvious one. Your DP is not a good influence in the life of your DD. If he was an uncle or even a grandad you could perhaps control and monitor their relationship so it didn't negatively affect her. Unfortunately however this is a man you are planning to marry. His impact on her life will be comparable with yours. It doesn't matter if he's lots of fun at times. Growing up feeling supported, with healthy self esteem and confidence, is more important than the odd Saturday night giggle.

As for him caring for you while you are ill, that doesn't surprise me. Abusive men are often fab with ill partners (as long as they don't have to do any actual work re childminding) because they feel all needed and in control of vulnerable little woman

Put your child first. This man is bad enough now. He'll be ten times worse once he has you locked down

russetbella1000 · 01/09/2017 20:15

Yep.
He sounds like a controlling, manipulative misogynist. Wipes your bum when you're ill? So what? Is that not what you should expect?? Or yes, otherwise a pretty standard move from someone who likes to be in control no?! Jeeees have some worth if not for yourself, please look after your daughter...

zigzagbetty · 01/09/2017 20:19

Why would you marry or be with someone your scared of?? Is being single such a terrible thing for you and your daughter?

custardcreamplease · 01/09/2017 20:23

Would also like to add that he's three quarters on the way to ruining the relationship between you and your parents. I imagine it's been hard for you and them, ignoring the elephant in the room that is the disgusting behaviour of your DP.

Your parents sound great, they've obviously done a lot for you. Are you really going to choose him over your mum and dad? He's going to destroy your relationship with them first. Then it'll be only a matter of years before your DD is completely alienated. I'd give it ten years,max, for the damage to be done irrevocably. Just enough time for your DD to hit her teens and work out she can't rely on you, for your parents to grow too old and too distant for the relationship to be repaired, maybe for him to get you pregnant so you are extra stuck.

Sweetie, you've made a classic mistake. You've come out of a long, abusive relationship and bang into another one.

What made you think a bare year and a half was enough time to get over a decade's head fuckery? It's not your fault - you won't be the first or last, easy mistake to make, we all want the happy ending.

What will be your fault is if you make the wrong decision now, and walk open eyed into a situation you've been warned about. With a man who is actively nasty to your DD.

Take a step back from the follow your heart shit that women are spoon fed from birth. It's designed to keep us in our place, in situations exactly like this. Ignore your squidgy feelings and your hope that he might change and look at this coldly,with logic. What would social services/a teacher/a sensible friend make of this situation if they came across it?

Actually, that's another thing. Given that you've involved safeguarding previously, how do you think it will look if you marry this guy, have a baby with him (and his behaviour will absolutely escalate then- think back to your ex, I'll eat my hat if he wasn't worse during pregnancy) and imagine what will happen if DD makes a disclosure in school etc. And they pull up your file with its past history of abuse. They'll think you're unable to protect your child and put her needs first.

There are thousands of bloody lovely men out there who won't behave like this.

Even if you never meet one, you'll be far happier as an independent, financially secure, autonomous single woman, with a great relationship with your DD and perhaps a fuck buddy on the side.

Jesus, don't waste your life on this twat

MoonShapedPool · 01/09/2017 21:17

I'm glad you came back Maddogs. You and your daughter will be a million times better off without this guy, you have effectively got rid of one abuser and moved another one in. I know it's hard when judging by the comparison to the last one but he really is going to seriously damage your relationships with your parents and your child. How can you justify his refusal to pay back the loan your parents took out to help? How can making your poor daughter sob with his awful cruelty even once be worth having him around? I hope you get this sorted and make the best life for you and your girl. You don't need a man unless he is frankly perfect

Maddogs · 01/09/2017 21:28

There are no baby plans. Financially,age, house size etc. Simply not happening. Plus I have a coil.

OP posts:
Maddogs · 01/09/2017 21:30

And no you are all right. I have 3 cats, 2 dogs and a beautiful DD. I have company after 8pm other than pets anyway!!

OP posts:
BIWI · 01/09/2017 21:33

So why do you still talk about needing him?!

custardcreamplease · 01/09/2017 21:41

Glad you've got a coil in.

Obviously age is a defining factor, but I wouldn't rely on that until menopause frankly. This man has already persuaded you to let him into your life, getting his feet comfortably under the table despite his poor treatment of you, your parents and your DD. Men like this are very persuasive. Who's to say that after 6 months of marriage, with him on his best behaviour, you'd be lulled into security enough to have a go at TTC.

You're probably reading this thinking nope, no way, but six months after leaving your ex, did you ever think you'd be "daft enough" to find yourself in a similar position a few years later?

Ok, I get that you're probably not going to have another, but my point remains - you can't trust this man. You can't rely on his support. He's manipulating you into horrible situations already.

SonicBoomBoom · 01/09/2017 21:52

I can't believe you've already normalised him abusing your lovely DD, and are sticking around for more.

SonicBoomBoom · 01/09/2017 21:53

And good God, at the absolute LEAST, call off the wedding and just cohabit.

MattBerrysHair · 01/09/2017 22:09

The good times and laughter do not negate any of the bad stuff, not ever. My step-father could be amazing fun, generous, thoughtful with gifts etc. But when he chose to be he was a bullying bastard who said hideous things to us when dm wasn't around. He would give her the silent treatment and extend it to us because we were extensions of her. This could last up to 3 months! He would explode with rage and call us cunts, ungrateful bastards, spawn of the devil. He had this way of staring us down that filled us with terror, eyes shaking with fury and his body all puffed up to intimidate us.

None of the fun times can make up for any of that. Abusers have two faces and they can choose which one to have on show and everyone around them is constantly on edge and super vigilant, looking for any hint that he may turn. It's a horrible way to live.
As a pp already said, I blame my dm for not protecting us more than I blame him for the abuse. She still minimises now despite being separated from him for 5 years.

Gemini69 · 01/09/2017 23:40

Get shot of this bad man OP x

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