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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think I want to leave my df

173 replies

Maddogs · 22/08/2017 00:18

So we have been together 3 years. I was 18 months out of a really bad 10 year relationship with the only joy a DD.

DF has a DS. When he is here the kids ask me to play board games, sing, bake etc.

There is so much I could say. He begged for a dog (now have 2) Never walks them. He doesn't contribute financially other than take aways and frilly stuff.

Embarrasses me in front of my parents re money and entitlement.

Straw that broke my back? Went shopping for camping holiday. He told my DD pick what you want.
Then said ring grandad to pay for it and started putting what she picked back.

I walked out carrying a crying confused child and screamed like a banshee in the car park at him. How fucking dare he do that to a child!!!

Today he pretended it was all in my head. That he is stressed at work, is sorry but won't admit what he did. Is trying to make it about me being moody.

I think I've just hit a road block emotionally.
Meant to be getting married next year. Am I over reacting?

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 22/08/2017 02:17

No he wont get it. People like him take take take and they simply assume that as their right. It doesnt cross their minds that they dont deserve everything given to them and that they should offer something back. A bit of digging would probably show a string of broken relationships behind him, probably with "bitch" or "psycho" ex's.

Keep safe Flowers

And BTW, I cried when each of my tribe lost their first teeth. I dont know why, but it feels like a marking of the passage of time or something.....

ohtheholidays · 22/08/2017 02:19

Please get rid of him,I went from one really shitty abusive marriage into another relationship(he acted lovely till I fell pregnant,then he had me trapped)where it was like looking after another child.

When I left that second relationship(we were engaged,been together over 3 years)I was pregnant but it was the best decision I've ever made!

I've been with my DH for over 11 years now and he's the complete opposite to my 2 previous mistakes,he's become Dad to all 5 of our DC and he'd do anything for us.

The fact that your partner has made you get on with everything by yourself with such severe injuries shows what a nasty piece of work he is,you don't treat the people you love like that! Flowers

Original poster
Maddogs · 22/08/2017 02:20

Good question, he had been unemployed for 6 months shortly after he moved in. I paid for everything.

He now earns approx £1400 a month, he pays for the odd food shop. Likes a takeaway at weekends, buys beer. Otherwise I haven't a clue. He is supposed to be giving me £50 a week. But he barely did because he was paying my dad back (except he hasn't).

I pay for everything else. I also have to organise and make all decisions. He won't even order a take away. He won't do anything (except his hobby) without the whole family there.

I am physically and psychologically tired. Had something blocking the sink before. He said he would fix it. Then he messaged me asking where the u bend was!!! I undid it for him and found the blockage.

I mean now I've started thinking what is the point?? Why??

OP posts:
Original poster
Maddogs · 22/08/2017 02:22

I mean really, u bend is under the flipping sink - in a u shape!!

OP posts:
Skittlesandbeer · 22/08/2017 02:26

Although I agree you could do much better than this self-centred lazy arse, I would throw in a note of caution about making quick decisions at the moment.

Sounds like you're still not 100% physically (and still on meds?), you have MH issues and you're (understandably) angry about the weekend incident. Even the tooth fairy duty has you under added emotional turbulence.

Start collecting information on splitting up, making practical plans, etc but do it carefully and calmly. Even the right decision carried out badly can leave you worse off. Engage with some people who are professionals, and/or have your interests at heart and work on getting well.

All the best to you during this hard time.

Original poster
Maddogs · 22/08/2017 02:33

Yes I am on meds. Citalopram 30mg. I feel stable. I have up and down days but so much better than where I have been.

Tooth fairy duty was emotional because it's dd's first tooth. As a pp said, a milestone, in her development and also my first time as tooth fairy. It's a positive emotion.

Thank you for your concern. My greatest stress at present has been my DF not my black dog (depression).

OP posts:
AdalindSchade · 22/08/2017 03:44

I can guarantee your mental health will improve when you get rid of this waste of oxygen from your life.

You say dd comes first - follow through.

Elvisrocks · 22/08/2017 04:56

Jeez OP, he sounds absolutely awful. Thank god you're not married - that would have been half your DD's inheritance up in smoke. You know you need to boot him out and quickly. Mumsnet will be here to support you through the break up.

StarlightExpress5 · 22/08/2017 05:08

What a fucking cocklodging twat, kick him to the kerb. You, dd and dogs will be better off without him.

blueskyinmarch · 22/08/2017 06:20

He doesn't sound very nice. Whatever you decide please make sure you do not marry him. At least that way it will be easier to get rid of him when you are ready.

missmollyhadadolly · 22/08/2017 06:41

Skittles The OP has nothing to plan for in relation to partner. He offers nothing to the relationship and household so he will not br missed.

OP, seize the day and chuck him out today.

£1400 pm and he only does the odd food job and treated your DD like that?! Cocklodging abusive twat. Get rid!

Angelf1sh · 22/08/2017 06:44

He sounds awful. Don't marry him and don't get pregnant- don't give him legal ties to you or your property.

SandyY2K · 22/08/2017 06:51

He still thinks he has done no harm.

This is why you need to end it. He doesn't get it. He'd be a useless step father.

Imagine being told you can have whatever you want. Then no actually you can't and ring grandad for it.

It would be awful for an adult, never mind a child.

He offered 1k to mum and dad. Then changed his mind a day later. He wouldn't speak to them and is pissed off that they were annoyed.

He won't take responsibility. After getting his PPI, he could have bought the stuff for DD himself.

What kind of fool promises a child stuff, then says to ring her grandad for it. This would be the end.

If I marry him he could take me for half.

Don't marry him. You'll regret it.

SandyY2K · 22/08/2017 07:02

But DF is a poor excuse form functional human but do you view him as abusive?

I don't actually think he's abusive and that you need to do the freedom programme, because you seem like a strong person capable of handling this.

He's a lazy, immature, foolish irresponsible, unhelpful, inconsiderate
man from what you've said. Hardly the qualities you'd want in a DH.

Being good in bed doesn't compensate for him being so crap.

theansweris42 · 22/08/2017 07:10

He IS abusive OP to you, to DD (he'll do it again, she will remember) and to your DPs financially.
You're right it is gradual and then it is hard to see it clearly.
He is taking advantage of you financially.

He cares only about himself and has no love for you and DD.

Its hard to hear and will take time to get over - you love him and have invested in the relationship in every sense.
But you're in a strong position to make the right choice for your DD and you (and DPs and dogs).

I don't agree with a PP who said you might not be in a good place mentally to decide.
Antidepressants help you think more clearly without the fog of depression, I know that.

Flowers for you. When he's out of your life you'll be glad mostly, with some sad.
I'm sorry you had the accident and wish you a speedy recovery.

theansweris42 · 22/08/2017 07:16

I disagree sandy, the DD incident, if in isolation is one thing, but he thinks he's done nothing wrong and so that's a risk of more. If there's not anything previously.
And he argues, confuses, lies to and undermines the OP. He refused to help her with 2 broken arms.
Further, he has taken money from her retired parents who took out a loan to help.

YokoReturns · 22/08/2017 07:24

OP I'm betting that, a few months down the line, you won't need the Citalopram because the cause of your anxiety and depression will be long gone.

Your have our permission to boot him out Smile

HappyintheHills · 22/08/2017 07:32

It doesn't really matter if he's abusive or just horrible, he's not marriage material.

Swopping half your home for a lifetime of all that crap? No thanks

NancyJoan · 22/08/2017 07:33

Get him out get him out get him out.

ddrmum · 22/08/2017 07:35

OP, I really recommend the FP when you have the time to look at it. Your partner sounds incredibly jealous of your achievements (& your dp money)- suxh entitkement. Very much like my exh. They take take take until you are mental.physically & financially exhausted. He will never take responsibility for anything and as for money, 'well you can afford it ' or 'your parents can pay'Hmm .
He will take you for every penny you have & wear you down til you're a shadow of yourself - I speak from bitter experience. Men like that don't care so long as someone else is feathering their nest.
More importantly, the cruelty he showed your DD is unforgivable. This will not be a one-off. He's showing you who he is, listen. Then show him the door. I'm so sorry you are in this position but as pp have said, you'll feel so much better without that pressure to deal.with. Flowers for you.

FluffyWhiteTowels · 22/08/2017 07:36

Would you want this relationship for your daughter?

Have you asked your parents and friends what they think of him?

Sounds like you know you're not number 1 in his eyes, he thinks of himself first and foremost. He sounds selfish, lazy and heartless.

He'll probably tell you he'll change ... but you'll be back to this position soon. He's walking all over you and your DD.

Cloudyapples · 22/08/2017 07:37

Your house? I'd be changing the locks today op.

TheNaze73 · 22/08/2017 08:05

He's an arsehole of the highest order. Get rid!

RockyBird · 22/08/2017 08:12

Oh OP, I hope you kick this arsehole out and furthermore, enjoy doing it.

You and your DD deserve so much more.

Toddlers4HenDos · 22/08/2017 08:22

Yes he's an arsehole op and pretty thick and emotionally unintelligent too.

Get rid asap and good on you for putting your dd first.

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