I think I want to leave my df

[Maddogs]

So we have been together 3 years. I was 18 months out of a really bad 10 year relationship with the only joy a DD.

DF has a DS. When he is here the kids ask me to play board games, sing, bake etc.

There is so much I could say. He begged for a dog (now have 2) Never walks them. He doesn't contribute financially other than take aways and frilly stuff.

Embarrasses me in front of my parents re money and entitlement.

Straw that broke my back? Went shopping for camping holiday. He told my DD pick what you want.
Then said ring grandad to pay for it and started putting what she picked back.

I walked out carrying a crying confused child and screamed like a banshee in the car park at him. How fucking dare he do that to a child!!!

Today he pretended it was all in my head. That he is stressed at work, is sorry but won't admit what he did. Is trying to make it about me being moody.

I think I've just hit a road block emotionally.
Meant to be getting married next year. Am I over reacting?

He's an arsehole he will get worse and you can do a million times better (having nobody is better than an having an abusive twat). Collect his stuff, put it in bin bags and put it on the step and change the locks. You don't need this shit in your life or your family's life. Your parents helped your partner out (since the dog was his) and he refused to pay for his responsibilities. Your daughter was hurt and confused and you are being taken for a ride financially and emotionally. Don't let him carry on doings this to you.

Poor impulse control.

Get rid, 1000%

I'm so sorry that it didn't work out but you and your daughter can do much, much better. You know you deserve better so get rid and go find it.

Oh god OP. Do NOT marry this cnut. Run and never look back.

I will pay my parents back btw for the vet bills.

Also the dogs are mine. I didn't agree to them but they answer my commands, sit, stay, wait etc. He can't control them. I've just been off work with depression (recurrent MH condition) and also broke both my arms. Back to work soon. But while I've been poorly he has not been as helpful as I would have wanted. Now have a fab cleaner! She is amazing. DF isn't, he is a man child.

I'm 41 and am about to be single again. I think I'll just be happy if DD is and I get some head space. But I'm sad too.

What a nasty person he is. Your mam and dad must be so worried about you and your daughter living like that.

There is only one positive in your story and it is that you are not married to him. You would be very wise to make sure that doesn't happen.

You are already blaming yourself for his terrible behaviour. The blame lies with him not you.

How did you break both arms?

Broke one elbow and one wrist and fractured my skull. Funny story really! Was running up a hill (who will get to the top first). Puppy on a long lead, as I got to the top puppy ran in front of me. I win by face planting a stone pillar .

Didn't let go of the dog lead though. Straight fracture one wrist, fracture dislocation elbow, skull fracture and the biggest nose bleed ever. Walked home and then a&e.

Change the locks and leave his stuff outside. Tell everyone so you get RL support.

The posters who say he will get worse once you are married are absolutely right.

Once he's gone think about doing the freedom programme. It's always sad to end a relationship but in this case I guarantee that you will be a million times happier in 6 months. He is probably a major factor in your depression

Sending you strength. Also a reminder that you do need to do this for DDs sake

So couldn't wash, lift, wash dishes, handle dogs etc. For 4 weeks. Except I did, because I had to. Because the other adult in my house was working. Therefore too tired. And I wasn't working...

Cocodamol is a wonderful pain killer and I managed.

Btw how many of your partners spend a lot of time watching tv on the bedroom on their own? I watch all kinds of rubbish with dd. But DF doesn't come downstairs as he is resting. Watching crap on tv.

Wow, that is a very impressive accident! I hope that you are out of any pain now.

And yes, dump the nasty mean selfish demanding arsehole. Ask him to leave immediately, have someone else with you when you do it and be prepared to call the police as something tells me that this fucker will not be happy about leaving the gravy train and wont go quietly.

Then get yourself on to the Freedom Programme

Are you not listening?? Every pp on this thread has told you firmly what a total waste of space your cocklodger is. Yet you are posting about being a martyr. Just. Get. Rid. He will not improve.

I've seen the freedom programme discussed a lot on here. But DF is a poor excuse form functional human but do you view him as abusive?

Either way my fences need to come up. He was great for the first 12-18 months. But the more I've heard about love bombing the more it strikes a chord.

Feel a fool bit right now more tired and angry than sad.

Re the TV watching.....probably porn. Is your sex life lacking too?

Bloody hell, you poor thing.

And all the time you have the dead weight side to deal with.

Martyr? Thanks. I'm what way? By breaking my arms?

Yes I am hearing the messages loud and clear.

Yes he is abusive.

How else would you describe what he did to your daughter?

How else would you describe treating you the way he does?

He lies, gaslights, manipulates, refuses to contibute financially.....all would be considered abuse.

The reason I mentioned the FP is because I think that you have fallen into a trap a lot of us (me included) fall into after an abusive relationship. We think that because the new person is as bad as the ex, they must be ok. I learned that just because a bloke isnt hitting me or hurting me as much as my ex didnt, it doesnt mean that what he is doing isnt abusive.

child that is a really horrible thing to say.

The OP was simply describing how she had to cope because he refused to help. If he had been trying to do all those jobs and she insisted she would do them then yes, martyr. But he didnt. She had no choice because the lazy fucker wouldnt lift a finger.

I thought MN was supposed to be supportive of women in abusive relationships, what the hell has happened to this place recently?!

Purely from what you've said so far, I wouldn't say abusive but naturally you know your situation better. He still sounds rather cruel in the way he's treating your DD & the lack of help he's provided while you've been physically limited. Definitely sounds like he hasn't been pulling his weight in the household.

That was to child thanks for all the helpful messages.

It sneaks up on you. This wasn't always the way it was. It's just got worse. And drip drip worse. But never enough to call it a day. Until he turned on DD. That's a line you don't cross,

Re the porn - no more likely fools and horses. He doesn't really use porn. It's not acceptable to me. My ex was addicted. Sex life is the best I've ever had. In the beginning it was passionate, intense and everything my ex wasn't.

ginger genuine question, how would you describe him being, in your words, cruel to the DD if not abusive?

The freedom programme teaches you how to recognise red flags. This guy is covered in red flags.

And he will get worse.

So yes definitely worth it for you.

But exit plan first. It's your house and you have enough to live on so get RL support and get him out. Police if he harasses you. Time to live the best life you can

I have to go and be a tooth fairy now. And I need some sleep. Thank you all. I have a lot to process.

So fucking tired of being let down,
Promises broken and all I want is a happy, respectful relationship.

Maybe I'll have that with the dogs.

There is no chance that by talking he is going to get this is there? It's just wasting oxygen and time. The good times are so good. I'm gutted really that I've been such an idiot.

Tooth fairy has visited. Successful mission for first tooth. Quite emotional really. Bit of a landmark.

Why is he not contributing financially?