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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think I want to leave my df

173 replies

Maddogs · 22/08/2017 00:18

So we have been together 3 years. I was 18 months out of a really bad 10 year relationship with the only joy a DD.

DF has a DS. When he is here the kids ask me to play board games, sing, bake etc.

There is so much I could say. He begged for a dog (now have 2) Never walks them. He doesn't contribute financially other than take aways and frilly stuff.

Embarrasses me in front of my parents re money and entitlement.

Straw that broke my back? Went shopping for camping holiday. He told my DD pick what you want.
Then said ring grandad to pay for it and started putting what she picked back.

I walked out carrying a crying confused child and screamed like a banshee in the car park at him. How fucking dare he do that to a child!!!

Today he pretended it was all in my head. That he is stressed at work, is sorry but won't admit what he did. Is trying to make it about me being moody.

I think I've just hit a road block emotionally.
Meant to be getting married next year. Am I over reacting?

OP posts:
category12 · 22/08/2017 21:50

For goodness, don't go on the holiday and get shot of him right now. Your friends will understand. You can do nice things with your dd to make up for it. Stop dragging it out and get rid of this horrible man.

Theimpossiblegirl · 22/08/2017 21:53

He has worn you down so much and is very clever at playing you.
If you do not find the strength to kick him out things will only get worse.
He will probably spend the holiday charming you and your friends so you think you are over-reacting and that he has changed. It is a manipulative act.
Please, for your sake and your daughter's sake, do not marry this man.

LoyaltyAndLobster · 22/08/2017 21:56

I wouldn't be going on holiday with him or marrying him.

Why are you still with him?

dowhatyouwish · 22/08/2017 22:05

Don't marry him. Ask him to leave.

BackInTheRoom · 22/08/2017 22:08

I'd go camping with him but sneak off In the car with DD and drive straight back home and change the locks!

Original poster
Maddogs · 22/08/2017 23:59

It's so easy in the mn world. It doesn't come so easily in RL.

I won't make a rush of this. It has to be right, safe and on my terms (with back up).

OP posts:
GrockleBocs · 23/08/2017 00:16

Look nobody nice plays mind games with a little child. Fair enough if you need to bide your time and you are in company all week. But you need to get rid and make sure dd knows you won't tolerate him playing games with her. Knowing that this was the moment you realised he was a loser will be important to her.

Original poster
Maddogs · 23/08/2017 00:35

I left my last relationship (10 yrs) because ultimately it was best for DD. I would and have done everything for her. I just wanted to be happy, I wanted it to be right.
Finally find my someone. Instead I feel like a fool.

OP posts:
ChasedByBees · 23/08/2017 00:50

He is cruel and bitter and I'm really worried he will either talk you round on this holiday or make it hell for you.

You need to LTB - he is cruel to your child and that won't improve.

bingolittle · 23/08/2017 01:12

Sorry, not RTFT.

But please, please don't marry this guy.

dingodon · 23/08/2017 01:17

If you wish to put your daughter first then get rid of him. His behaviour is unacceptable and not something an apology would fix. There are red flags all over the place. You need to take time out (more than 10 months) from relationships and do the Freedom Program as you seem to keep getting drawn to arseholes.

Singleandproud · 23/08/2017 01:48

Going on a camping holiday, the three of you staying in one tent presumably, isnt going to be nice for DD. There will be a stressful under current and tension and he will probably take it out on her as she is vulnerable and he knows hes got to try and keep you on side as you are waivering and he wants to keep control.

Atenco · 23/08/2017 03:27

You are obviously a nice, generous person, not a fool. It is not fair that lovely people like yourself get leaches like this asshole taking advantage. But his attitude to your parents and your child is horrible, let alone how he treats you. He believes the world owes him a living and is eaten up by envy of those who he thinks have more. I can't stand that type of person.

You have decided to go on the holiday with him, fine but do get rid asap afterwards and take the freedom programme.

Original poster
Maddogs · 23/08/2017 10:18

Got another thread running in chat. All packed up and I can't find my sodding purse!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Maddogs · 23/08/2017 10:20

There is another family coming and I imagine the men will hang out together a lot (they usually do). I will just spend time with my friend and the kids.

OP posts:
Original poster
Maddogs · 23/08/2017 10:21

At this rate I'm going to have to transfer my holiday money into his account. Don't think this is deliberate btw, I am hare brained.

OP posts:
Misstomrs · 23/08/2017 10:27

His behaviour is classy emotionally manipulative. It's exhausting and won't change. It may well be he had experiences in his childhood or early adult life that have affected his behaviour but that doesn't mean you have to put up with it. I know it's so much easier said than done, and you may be able to make some progress if you can have an honest dialogue, but, as someone who has been there, I would cut your losses if you feel you can. Good luck

Norland · 23/08/2017 11:16

OP, you have started several threads in recent months and the train of thought is the same in all of them.

You're unhappy with your other half, because he doesn't

  • treat your daughter, how you would like him to treat her;
  • you, how you would like him to treat you
  • the dogs
etc. etc.

You've also said you're still partially in love with another man and you've flirted with a single father at the school gates.

You've had lots of sympathy and lots of advice re-leaving him and you've ignored pretty much every piece of advice and kept the status quo.

You've also written how bored you are - started a thread on it - so perhaps you're simply bored and want attention? There's only ever one side of the story (and if your side is 90% accurate, split up) but I do wonder from reading all your complaints on other threads, if your other half isn't simply frustrated with you, for not being as perfect in your eyes as you want. And if you don't love him - which I doubt you do, it's possible to have a great sex-life with somebbody without being in love with them - then he will always fail to come up to your expectations.

Staying with somebody because you're the wrong side of 40 and don't like the idea of being alone, might be one reason to stay but probably not a good reason (however if he can't find a -bend under a sink, you should sack him)

Original poster
Maddogs · 30/08/2017 19:26

Right I'm back from hols. Yes I have posted several threads. Yes I have a teenage unrequited emotion towards someone else. It's boxed off and wilting by its self.

I didn't flirt with a single dad I was panicked he might have been propositioning me. And I sought advice over my answer.

We survived camping, DD loved it, I had a fab time and suprisingly DP survived without wifi. And no rows.

I will see how things go. Am going to nc now as I feel a bit upset that norland has taken the time to research my past posts and question my veracity. Thank you to all who posted helpful comments. I will be on high alert. Any further insensitive and hurtful comments directed at a child will be the end. And I've told him so in no uncertain terms.

OP posts:
category12 · 30/08/2017 19:42

How many times does he get to treat your dd like that before you'll put a stop to it? Was that incident the first time? How many chances?

Before you go, I suggest you re-read all your own posts on this thread and try to work out why you're now willing to weep it all back under the carpet.

category12 · 30/08/2017 19:42

Sweep not weep

cakebaby · 30/08/2017 19:46

Jesus OP he's a nightmare. Get rid, I don't say that often. This has more red flags than China. FGS don't marry him. If you decide to then please look up 'tenancy in common' to protect yourself financially. You & dd deserve much more than this Flowers

Original poster
Maddogs · 30/08/2017 20:26

Thanks guys and yes that was the first incident that was overtly targeted at DD. In terms she would understand.
He doesn't have a regular payment into my account. I pay the mortgage myself. Would that mean he still had tenancy rights?

I know I've posted several times and he can be a knob. It's been bags packed and door doubled locked twice. But he is a man I love. Properly, warts, temper and all. It's the direction onto DD that has tipped my balance. I've been pissed off and unhappy at times. But I've also had great, happy, content times.

I wish it was black and white. But if he ever does what he did to DD in any form ever again that is it. End of.

OP posts:
category12 · 30/08/2017 20:31

Overtly is the word that jumps out at me.

So you're assuming he can get away with covertly and not do her emotional harm? Kids are more perceptive than we think.

Original poster
Maddogs · 30/08/2017 21:31

Yes they are. God wtf is wrong with me? I keep hoping he will finally 'get it'. And grow up a bit.

OP posts: