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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think I want to leave my df

173 replies

Maddogs · 22/08/2017 00:18

So we have been together 3 years. I was 18 months out of a really bad 10 year relationship with the only joy a DD.

DF has a DS. When he is here the kids ask me to play board games, sing, bake etc.

There is so much I could say. He begged for a dog (now have 2) Never walks them. He doesn't contribute financially other than take aways and frilly stuff.

Embarrasses me in front of my parents re money and entitlement.

Straw that broke my back? Went shopping for camping holiday. He told my DD pick what you want.
Then said ring grandad to pay for it and started putting what she picked back.

I walked out carrying a crying confused child and screamed like a banshee in the car park at him. How fucking dare he do that to a child!!!

Today he pretended it was all in my head. That he is stressed at work, is sorry but won't admit what he did. Is trying to make it about me being moody.

I think I've just hit a road block emotionally.
Meant to be getting married next year. Am I over reacting?

OP posts:
Original poster
Maddogs · 30/08/2017 21:32

I think I'm a bit of a mess really.

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 30/08/2017 21:54

He is not going to get it.

What worries me is that neither are you getting it. You keep hanging on in the hope that he will transform into a good and decent person, he wont.

He is abusive to your child FFS! What will it take for you to do he right thing and protect her?! You say that if he does it again then you will leave, but once is too often, surely you can see that?

"But I loved him and I hoped he would change!" wont cut any ice when your DD is old enough to cut you out of her life because of what you let him do to her childhood. Do you want to lose your daughter over this man?

I am sorry to be harsh but you do not seem to be hearing what people are saying to you.

category12 · 30/08/2017 21:55

And as she grows up and is more perceptive and has more of her own opinions, is he the man to encourage her, support her, allow her to dream and think for herself, be her male role model?

custardcreamplease · 30/08/2017 22:07

Haven't read the whole thread, just cut to the end to see if OP had chucked this nasty piece of work out.

OP you're a fool if you let him stay and an even bigger one if you marry him. Ffs give him the boot. You've worked hard for what you have, why are you letting this nasty greedy man endanger that? Not to mention he's horrible to your DD

AncoraAmarena · 30/08/2017 22:16

And what about what he said about your parents and how he would begrudge their meal at your wedding.

NICE eh???

Go back and read your posts on this thread. Your poor daughter deserves better, you deserve better. Marry him and breaking up will become 10 times more difficult. Put an end to it now before it gets any worse.

FisforFamily · 30/08/2017 22:21

Really?! Fucking leave him Angry

MoonShapedPool · 30/08/2017 22:26

So he is a cunt to your very young daughter. Your retired parents took out a loan which he refuses to pay back despite paying nothing for his keep as well as getting a big PPI payout. But you love him "warts and all". I hope he is worth it because you are at risk of losing everyone else you love. Your daughter will run a mile when she is old enough, have you seen the stately homes threads on here? You put him above her and you will regret it

DownTownAbbey · 30/08/2017 22:43

I know real life isn't as cut and dried as MN but you seem to know that you're in love with someone who your DF pretended to be to get his feet under your table. You are romanticising someone unpleasant.

It isn't a failing to be single so why live like this?

Do you want your DD to look at you in ten, twenty years and think 'mum is the kind of weak woman who allows men to walk all over her and doesn't mind if they're mean to me as long as she has a man.' Or worse still think this is how a relationship should be?

You have no joint Dc, no joint financial commitments and aren't married yet. The only thing preventing you from getting free is that final push.

I know I sound harsh but you must remember all this when you're minimising.

Next time you announce it's over follow through. He's learning that he can talk you round easily.

RogueBiscuit · 31/08/2017 00:21

This blokes attitude towards your parents is disgusting, and if you stay with him they're going to think you agree with him. Everybody has a limit, and I'd be mightily pissed off with an adult daughter whose boyfriend thought I should bankroll him.

BlondeB83 · 31/08/2017 00:54

Get rid!!

RidingWindhorses · 31/08/2017 01:09

OP you don't love him, you're just lonely and bored and terrified of life without a man, any man. Even a cocklodger who you are basically paying to be an arsehole to you and DD.

It's heartbreaking to read this thread for you to be so near to freedom and to slip back into self deception and entrapment.

You cannot find a decent guy to be with if you cling to this arseholes. Have enough faith in yourself and your DD that you both deserve so much better and will get it.

Always listen to your bff and your parents. What a horrifying man to fail to pay back your parents. Aren't you ashamed of him?

Atenco · 31/08/2017 13:12

You've had very good advice here, OP. We all know how hard it is to take the final step, like getting a tooth pulled, but otherwise you will have this abcess ruining the rest of your and your dd's life. The longer you stay with him, the harder it will be to split up and the more normal his abuse will seem.

UnicornTears · 31/08/2017 13:18

Stop blaming yourself and questioning yourself, i think you know in your heart and your gut what the right thing to do is. Be strong hun you can do it x Flowers

user1487689176 · 31/08/2017 14:35

But if he ever does what he did to DD in any form ever again that is it. End of.

He already has. Or does everyone get one chance to be a cunt to your child?

And you have just put this pathetic waster of a 'man' and your love life, above your own daughter.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 31/08/2017 14:49

What do you think your daughter is learning from your relationship?

Are you really going to marry this prick?

I can see you being in a much worse financial position further down the line if you carry on this course.

Please throw him out.

HungerOfThePine · 31/08/2017 17:22

Op haven't read your other threads but please read them or this one from the beginning, hopefully it will screw your head back on.

He's cut you off from your best friend.
Is alienating your parents
And finally belittled and demeaned your dc.Angry
Doesn't contribute and you are wary of his moods.

The holiday just gave you time to sweep it under the carpet and have another chance.
There will always be something to put it off or give another chance op if you don't take courage and put you and your dc first.

Kick his was to the kerb.

altiara · 31/08/2017 18:09

Only read 1st page, just get rid of him, have you read your own posts??? It's clear cut, don't marry him and get him to leave.

MattBerrysHair · 31/08/2017 20:39

He is dangerous OP. The fact that he didn't see that he did something cruel to your dd because 'she's just a child' speaks volumes. He has ZERO empathy. The only reason he apologised is because you were making his life difficult, not because he understood how awful he'd been, or because he cared that she was upset. The head ducks with your dd will happen behind your back, when you're out of the room or out with friends.

Please read back over this thread and see what you yourself have written about him. You couldn't trust him not to turn nasty if you left him at home after ending the relationship. You feel you need back-up in order to end it. Op, you are SCARED of him and what he might be capable of. I don't mean physically scared, but afraid of what psychological mind-fuck he may subject you to.

Get the fucker out.

TempusEejit · 31/08/2017 20:49

But if he ever does what he did to DD in any form ever again that is it.
By which time your DD would have suffered a second occasion of overt nastiness from your partner before you finally take action. You know what this man is capable of, you need to protect your DD. It's bloody hard being a stepparent even when you go into it with the best of intentions, if he's like this already God only knows what'll happen when your DD reaches the difficult tween/teen years. This is a ticking time bomb of conflict and unhappiness.

hippy1952 · 31/08/2017 21:50

Get rid of him NOW.

zigzagbetty · 31/08/2017 22:33

Im sorry but once would be enough towards my daughter, topped with his temper he sounds like a treat! You know yourself this will escalate but have no problem it seems with your lg witnessing this relationship which she will learn from and repeat herself. Give your head a wobble and put your daughter truelly first.

CockacidalManiac · 31/08/2017 22:58

You claim that your daughter is the most important thing; that's obviously bollocks, because all is now forgiven. You're putting yourself first every time.
I'm sure you'll be back.

DaemonPantalaemon · 01/09/2017 08:43

You claim that your daughter is the most important thing; that's obviously bollocks, because all is now forgiven. You're putting yourself first every time

Absolutely. But actually she is putting this man first, ahead of her daughter's interests, and ahead of her own interests. She is going to name change, receive the same advice, refuse to listen, and will keep pushing the one more chance thing. And in the meantime her daughter will be growing as part of this dysfunction.

I feel so terribly sorry for her little girl. She is going to grow up with this man as a stepfather. This will be her model for a relationship. She will learn that her mother thinks that a man as bad as this is better than no man, and that her mother considers this pathetic excuse of a man to be more important than her own daughter.

Original poster
Maddogs · 01/09/2017 19:15

Haven't nc'd. Still here and listening. I've been off work for 7 months with depression and several broken bones (skull, wrist and elbow) had an accident running with the puppy. Have been on half pay. I start back Tuesday. I am listening and I'm also watching for holiday DP to start to revert to previous DP. He has been stressed to (work, access issues with his DS, money).

So far he is the man I remember, I fell in love with. Considerate, kind, helpful. But I know this could just be the up cycle of abuse. I have already kicked dd's DF to the kerb for his issues.

I'm on alert, like a meerkat. If he hasn't heard me and hasn't changed and believe me we have had some difficult conversations. Then that will be it. My DD deserves more and I do. I am not a bad mum, I have protected my DD from hell. Police and SS involved. I did it then, I will again. But I'm hoping I don't have to? That finally he has got it. I guess time will tell. I can read him like a book and I know when he is about to explode. Yes I am scared of him at times, but not enough not to stick up for myself and DD.

OP posts:
CockacidalManiac · 01/09/2017 19:25

I really don't know who you're trying to convince.