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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband has been using prostitutes for nearly 6 years

86 replies

user1486246880 · 21/08/2017 06:03

I've just discovered my husband of 15 years has been using prostitutes for nearly 6 years.
We have 3 children and during this time two were conceived.
He has admitted he thinks he has a sex addiction and recently it has gone out of control and spends up to £140 for one visit. Previously it was around but £80-100 we have separate accounts so I never saw any cash withdrawals. I had no idea basically.
I am so beside myself right now and don't know what to do. He is begging me not to leave him and says he will have therapy and we should go together. He says it's over and will never do it again.
We obviously didn't get a great amount of time for a fun sex life with all the things that go on with everyday lives but we had a regular sex life. I always felt he had a low libido as he was never really into sex that much. However he tells me he has a very high sex drive and this is how he deals with it. He says it's all very functional he withdraws the money walks to the place does what he has to do then feels disgusted and was always desperate to stop it.
Please help me. I don't want our lives turned upside down but how do I ever get over this?

OP posts:

MoaningYoniAgain · 21/08/2017 06:05

He's been spending the family money on sexually exploiting women

Why do you feel it's your duty to get over it?

MoaningYoniAgain · 21/08/2017 06:06

And I'm really sorry he's turned out to be such a horrible man

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 21/08/2017 06:07

He is desperate only because you know now. Kick him to the kerb and don't look back - and get a shit hot lawyer, because all this nicey nicey stuff now is an act.

Original poster

user1486246880 · 21/08/2017 06:08

We have enough money to not miss it to be honest but that doesn't make it ok.
Because we have a life together and 3 children whose lives would be destroyed and I actually still love him he's everything to me.
I forgot to add we are currently traveling with the family so not home for a few weeks making this all really difficult for me not being at home to speak to anyone or get the therapy started straight away.

OP posts:

MrsDustyBusty · 21/08/2017 06:09

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Stardust28 · 21/08/2017 06:12

Please get yourself tested for STDs as well.

Original poster

user1486246880 · 21/08/2017 06:12

He is beside himself that he won't be around to see the children grow up if we separate.
He is quite jealous he thought I was having an affair a few years ago and was crazy about it and is always checking on my phone and controlling me. He hates the idea of me finding someone new if I left him now. It's all about him basically. I don't feature much here.
I just feel so so heartbroken I want to wake up and realise it's all bad dream.

OP posts:

Original poster

user1486246880 · 21/08/2017 06:14

Stardust28 I'm going to try and find a clinic where we are now as I'm worried but as it has been going on all this time it feels so dirty that we have been intimate whilst he has been doing this with other women.

OP posts:

MoaningYoniAgain · 21/08/2017 06:14

I actually still love him he's everything to me. But you aren't everything to him You've caught him out, he did it again and again and again. Please make an STI check and a lawyer your next stop. If he really means to stop (and I don't believe him for a moment) he can live elsewhere and you can consider your options once he has stopped. By which time you will hopefully have recovered a little self esteem and realised that you deserve better. You deserve someone who doesn't put his cock in other women, as a bare minimum.

Pensionista · 21/08/2017 06:16

He is an asshole. He has so disrespected you and your kids. I am so sorry you are going through this right now. You are in the eye of a shit storm. If it were me there would be no coming back from this, it's horrendous. I would get out, you will always have this in your head if you dont and your future will be forever tainted. Better to do it now and not waste any more time on an asshole like this. You deserve a whole lot more. You need to give yourself time to build up your self esteem and confidence. Things will look a lot different in a years time. Get a good lawyer.

MrsDustyBusty · 21/08/2017 06:17

It sounds like his reaction has been quite self serving. You haven't given any indication that he's thought about the impact on you at all. Does he know you'll be having STI screening? And does he care, for example?

Original poster

user1486246880 · 21/08/2017 06:17

MoaningYoniagain thank you that is my plan when I get home.
He told me we will get a joint account he's given me his bank card and he says he will let me check the phone. He is begging me to consider and says he has realised now how much he could lose and loves me more than anything but how has it taken all this time and no attempt to stop?

OP posts:

Original poster

user1486246880 · 21/08/2017 06:18

He knows I'm having a screening and said he's had a few already.

OP posts:

0ccamsRazor · 21/08/2017 06:19

He jeopardizes your physical health.

Your dc's physical health.

Lies.

Steals family money.

Treats women as objects for his gratification.

He has zero respect for you.

He has zero respect for the family that you both made.

And you think he is worth staying with?

Why?

Original poster

user1486246880 · 21/08/2017 06:19

I feel ashamed to admit we have been having sex since I found out. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:

Original poster

user1486246880 · 21/08/2017 06:20

He's my life. We have been together for nearly 20 years. I am frightened of starting over.

OP posts:

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 21/08/2017 06:21

for you. I can't imagine how you are feeling.

You deserve so much more than him.

He says it's all very functional he withdraws the money walks to the place does what he has to do

What a vile human being he is, treating those women like they are nothing more than sex toys for him stick his dick in!

MrsDustyBusty · 21/08/2017 06:21

But does the fact that you're having to do this resonate with him? Is he ashamed to put you in this position? Does he understand that if he's given you an sti it could have serious consequences for you and could possibly have had serious consequences for the health of your children?

SandysMam · 21/08/2017 06:21

YY to all of the above. What a massive creep. Get your ducks in a row and get out. Your kids will be fine, lots are (ok some aren't, but plenty from 2.4 children families are fucked up). You cannot stay married to this guy. Good lucy OP, I hope you reach the right conclusion

Pensionista · 21/08/2017 06:22

He's beside himself ? He wont see the children grow up ? The pig should have thought about that before he started shagging other women. You deserve more, so much more. He does not love you he just loves himself. You will realise this in the future. You will also thank god you left him.

SandysMam · 21/08/2017 06:25

And I think you are wrong and a bit stuck up for justifying it to yourself that "it's very functional". These are women, human beings, not robots who "deserve it". You have no idea what path has led them to this choice, they are someone's mother, daughter, sister. Don't try to make it less real by de humanising these women. Everyone had a name, could you take him back if he had been through every female co worker in his office?

highinthesky · 21/08/2017 06:26

Give yourself the respect you deserve. You know what you must do.

Original poster

user1486246880 · 21/08/2017 06:27

Thank you to everyone for this. I'm alone here and having people offer advice is so nice.
I am so frightened.
I'm afraid I will never find anyone else as I'm a mum of 3. Who would want to be with me?
I was already suffering really low self esteem before our trip as I've been at home full time parenting and trying to organise how to make changes for my future so that I can have a balance.
Having this happen to me also just makes it all so complicated for me to manage when I'm back home.

OP posts:

Ineedmorelemonpledge · 21/08/2017 06:35

We obviously didn't get a great amount of time for a fun sex life with all the things that go on with everyday lives

He did though, didn't he?

Rather than use that time to visit sex workers he could've helped you at home so you weren't so tired and could have had more time to be together.

Rather than use the money to help you out, with domestic help he put it on his own pleasure.

He's addicted to the dirty thrill and the variety of women, not the quantity of sex with his loving wife.

His distrust over you, is based on his own distrust, because he can go behind your back he thinks it's likely you will also.

Controlling and abusive. How can you love, trust and love everyday freely with a man like this?

You shouldn't get over it. And you won't -you'll spend everyday in hell. Take it from someone who knows.

MrsPringles · 21/08/2017 06:37

Oh bloody hell OP, I would be waving him goodbye.
Sorry I couldn't be around somebody that thought that using prostitutes behind his wife's back was acceptable.

Absolutely disgusting on so many levels

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