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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband has been using prostitutes for nearly 6 years

86 replies

user1486246880 · 21/08/2017 06:03

I've just discovered my husband of 15 years has been using prostitutes for nearly 6 years.
We have 3 children and during this time two were conceived.
He has admitted he thinks he has a sex addiction and recently it has gone out of control and spends up to £140 for one visit. Previously it was around but £80-100 we have separate accounts so I never saw any cash withdrawals. I had no idea basically.
I am so beside myself right now and don't know what to do. He is begging me not to leave him and says he will have therapy and we should go together. He says it's over and will never do it again.
We obviously didn't get a great amount of time for a fun sex life with all the things that go on with everyday lives but we had a regular sex life. I always felt he had a low libido as he was never really into sex that much. However he tells me he has a very high sex drive and this is how he deals with it. He says it's all very functional he withdraws the money walks to the place does what he has to do then feels disgusted and was always desperate to stop it.
Please help me. I don't want our lives turned upside down but how do I ever get over this?

OP posts:
15MinutesWithYou · 21/08/2017 15:54

Fuck that. The using of prostitutes is horrible in itself but exposing you (and you whilst pregnant!) to STDs is the behaviour of a special kind of arsehole. Leave. Never sleep with him again. Get a good family law solicitor.

bowtieandheels · 21/08/2017 15:59

I truly know the fear you're feeling, 4 years ago I walked away from the man I thought was my world for 18 years, with 3 kids in tow. It took all my strength and bravery but looking back was the best choice I've ever made. And please don't worry about finding anyone else, I've met the most amazing man who loves me and my 3 kids. You can do this!

user1486246880 · 22/08/2017 20:00

Thanks everyone some really good advice and lots of think about. I'm strong enough to do the right thing.

OP posts:
Christinayangstwistedsista · 22/08/2017 20:08

Op the relationship you knew is over , it will never be the same again. You need to think about the level of deceit and lying that has gone on here, the man you thought you were with doesn't exist

The pain and confusion has still to come and it will take a long time to get over, but you will get there

Ellisandra · 22/08/2017 20:12

Sex addiction, my arse Hmm
He just wanted to. End of.

Why his talk of not seeing his kids grow up, and your talk of destroying their lives?

My XH used prostitutes. We'd been together 8 years, married for 5 when I found out - and it was all this time. Well, I say found out - I had suspicions, that was when I found yet more circumstantial evidence and finally came to the conclusion that "just looking" was enough of a reason to divorce him. (got the evidence later, and of course he was) Anyway...

I didn't destroy my child's life!

She's a little bundle of happiness who loves both her parents, does about 30% of her time with him, thinks the sun shine out of his arse, and actually spends more time with him now that she did before (because he can't shirk it)

She thinks that we didn't have enough in common to make stay together. Which is true - I respect women, I respect myself, I respected my marriage vows. All things I didn't have in common with him Wink

You're in shock. Be kind to yourself. Tell him to get his second hand (third hand, 200th hand) filthy dick away from you. Take some space. Talk to a solicitor.

And don't forget that taking the serial cheating and risking your health out of the equation, you've said enough other things that make me think you're better off out of it.

There are plenty of happy children from divorced families seeing both parents regularly, there really are. Flowers

thegirlupnorth · 22/08/2017 20:16

How did,you find out/he confess. After all that time it makes me wonder what his motive for telling you, if that's what he did is.

user1486246880 · 22/08/2017 20:28

I found messages on his phone and it turned out to be one of these girls and he confessed all with a lot of coaxing

OP posts:
Christinayangstwistedsista · 22/08/2017 20:31

I would imagine there is more

thegirlupnorth · 22/08/2017 20:34

Oh dear. For me it would be over. The last six years of your life have been a lie. He has no respect for you, has put you at risk, spent thousands and probably would have carried on had you not found out. I'd give him the best screw of his life now and LTB and take him for as much as you can! You deserve better.

Offred · 22/08/2017 20:37

He has a sex addiction.... but he will never do it again? Riiiiiiiggggggghhhhht....

Like with all men who purchase sex this is nothing to do with having a high sex drive and everything to do with enjoying purchasing sex.

Everything else he might say is an excuse because you caught him out.

If you were a nymphomaniac constantly pestering him, the most beautiful woman in the whole world who didn't have any sexual desires of your own but just a desire to do anything at all that he wanted to do he would still pay for sex because he has issues with women.

Toddlers4HenDos · 22/08/2017 20:42

I'm wondering if it was him who had an affair those years ago OP - when he was accusing you. Projecting this kind of behaviour isn't uncommon.

Then after the affair he started with the prostitutes?

I don't think you can assume he's disclosed everything to you.

So sorry you're going through this Flowers

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