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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband has been using prostitutes for nearly 6 years

86 replies

user1486246880 · 21/08/2017 06:03

I've just discovered my husband of 15 years has been using prostitutes for nearly 6 years.
We have 3 children and during this time two were conceived.
He has admitted he thinks he has a sex addiction and recently it has gone out of control and spends up to £140 for one visit. Previously it was around but £80-100 we have separate accounts so I never saw any cash withdrawals. I had no idea basically.
I am so beside myself right now and don't know what to do. He is begging me not to leave him and says he will have therapy and we should go together. He says it's over and will never do it again.
We obviously didn't get a great amount of time for a fun sex life with all the things that go on with everyday lives but we had a regular sex life. I always felt he had a low libido as he was never really into sex that much. However he tells me he has a very high sex drive and this is how he deals with it. He says it's all very functional he withdraws the money walks to the place does what he has to do then feels disgusted and was always desperate to stop it.
Please help me. I don't want our lives turned upside down but how do I ever get over this?

OP posts:

Mayhemmumma · 21/08/2017 09:10

Perhaps one way to break away from this is to make it public. Tell your friends and family, you have done nothing wrong and if the poor little man is suffering with a sex addiction then he won't mind. Honestly, let his sorry secret out and see the response you get. Don't cover for him.

Pensionista · 21/08/2017 09:44

You are not alone, you have 3 kids, they need you, they love you he doesn't. Feel the fear, but do it anyway. You WILL survive, more than survive actually. I left my first marriage aged 36 years with 3 kids in tow. 2 years later I met some one else whom I'm still with and love 35 years later. In those days it was really hard because there was no help, but I did it anyway. I was scared as hell, but looking back it was the best thing I ever did. So dig deep and take courage, you can do it. Don't throw your life away on a disgusting excuse for a human being. You only have one life.

MatildaTheCat · 21/08/2017 09:45

I think you do need counselling but not to get over his grim behaviour. You need to find yourself and realise that life as a single woman with her DC is better than living with a dirty thief and liar.

You say he is your whole life. Examine how unhealthy that is. We all need to be able to be happy without another person, having a life partner can be a wonderful thing but it is not the golden ticket to happiness.

He sounds so fucked up and his response to you finding out is so typical. Take control and leave him. There is plenty of support for you out there ( and on here). Your self esteem should get a big fat boost from taking your life back and getting rid of this piece of dirty baggage. Maybe you still love him but that doesn't make this salvageable IMO. Six years of lies and deceit is just too much.

Best wishes.

Mix56 · 21/08/2017 09:52

So he had unprotected sex? repeatedly? & has has several sti checks. Selfish to the point of not bothering with a condom?
Unforgivable.

Radyward · 21/08/2017 09:53

He is a disgusting individual and he might get away with it and stay in your lives.. please get him out - he doesnt care about you or the kids. He has endangered your health. Spent 1000's of family money on his addiction too. It is all about him and no one else. Id go home from the farce of the family holiday to get some space and get a SHL in tow. What a betrayal and abuse of you and the kids.

emilybrontescorset · 21/08/2017 09:54

Op you do not need therapy.
He is a vile man.
He is a man who views women as either saints or whores.
He gets his kicks from whores.
He keeps nice little wifey at home, cooking and cleaning and looking after the children.
You are not there for great sex, he gets that elsewhere.
Remember you didn't cause this
You cannot cure him.

Walk away.
You will survive trust me.

2014newme · 21/08/2017 09:55

Don't get over it. Get a divorce from the scumbag

emilybrontescorset · 21/08/2017 09:58

Also he has proven what type of man he is.
He really thinks it's ok to screw hundreds, if not more , prostitutes but would go mental if you had sex with so much as one man.
He s vile.
Do you really want your ds to turn out like this?
Get your ducks in a row, course in someone in rl. Speak to a lawyer.
Stop having sex with him. Tell the creep you are not working through anything.

timeisnotaline · 21/08/2017 10:01

I wouldn't go to therapy, for a long time at least. It's up to him to fix it first. You should make it real by telling some people. I couldn't handle this to be honest, I couldn't handle years of deception. Add in the hypocrisy of he gets jealous and I would refuse to speak another word to him until he could say out loud 'I have slept with many women since marrying you. I understand you may end up seeing and sleeping with someone else and I understand this is because of my actions and you have every right to do this. As soon as tomorrow if that's what you want.

MetalMidget · 21/08/2017 10:06

Can we focus on the issue and stop this talk of rape. You clearly don't understand the definition of rape.

Although a lot of prostitutes go into of their own accord (although often through desperation, so it's not exactly enthusiastic consent), many are trafficked and forced into it with fear of violence or control through drugs (lots of East European women and girls tricked to richer countries by the promise of secretarial or seasonal work, then having their passports confiscated by their pimps, for example, or the victims of grooming gangs). In those cases, every punter is a rapist.

Mumof41987 · 21/08/2017 10:23

How did you find out ? Did he tell you ??

Kr1stina · 21/08/2017 10:37

Please read the really heart felt post from adultHumanFemale

LilySwamp · 21/08/2017 11:11

Sorry you’ve been put in this nightmare by the person who is supposed
to love and cherish you, OP. The consequences of what he could have
infected you with alone is terrifying never mind how easily he finds it to
decieve and disrespect you and the children - 6 bloody years of it.

When/if you leave you don’t need to find someone else. To rely on
yourself and be free from this man could be the making of you, OP.
You’re feeling even more vulnerable with being away from your familiar
surroundings, all you have is him - don’t let this Stockholm situation hijack your decisions.

FuckYouLinda · 21/08/2017 14:10

He's even making you be responsible for policing his future behaviour. If he succumbs again he can just blame you for not keeping a closer eye on him and his phone /bank records. Then it's your fault, see?

Some STI's cause foetal harm. Look at each of your baby's faces and think carefully. He chose to expose you and them while they were nestled safe inside you to something that could have killed them.

He's not a fucking addict. He's a cheating scumbag who is trying to weasel his way out of being caught. Get some space from him to think about what YOU want. He won't dare leave you alone though because you might actually listen to someone who has YOUR best interests at heart rather than him.

PoppyH56 · 21/08/2017 14:18

OP, he's had 6 years to think about the fact he won't be around to see his children grow up. He should have thought about that and I'm sure in 2,190 days it would have crossed his mind at least once and that should have helped him stop. I'm sorry but I don't see how you'll work past this. I feel for you and I'm sorry he's turned out to be such a pig

MyheartbelongstoG · 21/08/2017 14:21

That mouth that kisses you and your little children good night has probably gone down on countless women over a 6 year period.

No way could I reconcile.

Even if he did it once a month for 6 years thats over 10k spent on prostitutes.

Imagine what you could of spent that on instead.

SandyY2K · 21/08/2017 14:40

That mouth that kisses you and your little children good night has probably gone down on countless women over a 6 year period.

^ Very powerful.

HadronCollider · 21/08/2017 14:50

That mouth that kisses you and your little children good night has probably gone down on countless women over a 6 year period.

Oh please god no! The thought.

HazelBite · 21/08/2017 14:55

Op do you honestly think that if he has a so called sex addiction it has only stopped at using prostitutes
A lady I used to be friendly with left her husband due to the fact that the Dr discovered her to have an STI as a result of smear test and examination.
He admitted to using prostitutes, but later it all came out that he would try and pick up women to "satisfy" himself and had a regular "girlfriend".
He is only letting you know what he has to at this point, because prostitutes somehow seem to him "non personal" but I would suggest to you that this is only half of the story, as if he could get it for "free" he would.

merville · 21/08/2017 15:05

Sex addiction - bullshit.

As another poster said - your revived sex life is "hysterical bonding".

So fidelity in your marriage - views you both agreed to - was for you but not him. And he's jealous towards you??!!
Projection of his own behaviour or just that he thinks he can do what he likes, while you're his property.

The deception & betrayal in doing this, sex workers or not, is appalling.

He's not your life - you've made him your life, you can unmake him.

merville · 21/08/2017 15:07

Sorry "vows" not views

FrankUnderwoodsWife · 21/08/2017 15:11

Are you married to my ex-boyfriend? He did the same to me, and gaslighted me so badly I thought I was going insane.

Leave for the sake of your children. Your DH is a disgusting man, who sees women as objects and who is hiding behind the moniker of addiction so you don't leave him.

How did you find out about it?

Gwilt160981 · 21/08/2017 15:13

Dirty bastard. Bugger him off. He's put you at risk. What a tosser.

thestamp · 21/08/2017 15:43

He is quite jealous he thought I was having an affair a few years ago and was crazy about it and is always checking on my phone and controlling me. He hates the idea of me finding someone new if I left him now. It's all about him basically. I don't feature much here.

OP. You should have left him a long time ago. You are worth more than this. You carried his children, fed bathed and changed them, got up with them at night, stayed at home with them, forwent the happy carefree times of your youth before children, and in return he accuses you of being unfaithful.

How utterly sad. You are a string of best pearls trampled into the ground by this absolute pig of a man. Awful.

And then it turns out he's been buying sex for SIX years? While you tended to his children and meekly accepted your lot, he was out having jollies with working girls? To the extent that he has needed STI testing?

OP. You can't go on like this darling. You just can't. You would be spitting in your children's faces. You and they are worth so much more than this.

Like you say. This is all about him. Why is that? Why should that be so? What about YOU?

rosabug · 21/08/2017 15:47

You poor thing. I don't think it's helps you that everyone is saying how nasty he is. 20 years is a long time and it must be so incredibly painful for you. You are at the start of a long painful process. Do not make any rash decisions yet. Personally I would get him to move out, whatever happens and if you decide to support him and reconcile he must experience the full horror of what a separation will feel like. I would not agree to joint therapy right now - I would get some yourself and leave him to take responsibility for his own. Do not fall into the trap of supporting him through this. You will need to see a sea-change in his character and in needs to be instigated by himself. This will take a long time, maybe years. You need to look after yourself and your children. In time you will know if you want to end it or not, but in the meantime create a space where you can digest and think. Good luck - courage my friend.

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