Husband has been using prostitutes for nearly 6 years

[user1486246880]

I've just discovered my husband of 15 years has been using prostitutes for nearly 6 years.
We have 3 children and during this time two were conceived.
He has admitted he thinks he has a sex addiction and recently it has gone out of control and spends up to £140 for one visit. Previously it was around but £80-100 we have separate accounts so I never saw any cash withdrawals. I had no idea basically.
I am so beside myself right now and don't know what to do. He is begging me not to leave him and says he will have therapy and we should go together. He says it's over and will never do it again.
We obviously didn't get a great amount of time for a fun sex life with all the things that go on with everyday lives but we had a regular sex life. I always felt he had a low libido as he was never really into sex that much. However he tells me he has a very high sex drive and this is how he deals with it. He says it's all very functional he withdraws the money walks to the place does what he has to do then feels disgusted and was always desperate to stop it.
Please help me. I don't want our lives turned upside down but how do I ever get over this?

Did his jealousy and use of prostitutes coincide? Sounds like projection to me.

Did you find out about the prostitutes or was he suddenly wracked with guilt and told you unprompted?

Have a read of this about hysterical bonding. It may help explain some of your feelings towards him.

Whatever you decide to do you are starting over. If you stay in the marriage then you are married to a man who uses prostitutes. It will never go back to what it was before. You cant unknow this.

He is quite jealous he thought I was having an affair a few years ago and was crazy about it and is always checking on my phone and controlling me. He hates the idea of me finding someone new if I left him now. It's all about him basically. I don't feature much here.

There you go, OP. Read that again. Add to that that he's been spending family money paying to rape exploited women behind your back for SIX YEARS. 7 out of 10 women working as prostitutes have PTSD because of the 'work' they do. Many of them were abused as children.
He had six years to realise what the consequences of you finding out would be and did it anyway. He put your children and your sexual health at risk. There's no coming back from this.

What you said about him controlling you makes me think he's ground you down to the point where you no longer have the self confidence to think you can do without him.

You should book that counsellor but just for you, not the both of you. It's not recommended going to joint counselling if one partner is abusive, which he certainly is.

Of course you are frightened. You don't know what the future holds, no-one does.
But please don't let this man have any part in your future. When you get home, get good legal and financial advice. Is there the opportunity to cut short your traveling?
Don't have sex with him any more. Your body and mind will tell you to, because the instinct is to keep him by you to help you support your children.
It's not so bad at the STI clinic, though going there for the first time takes a bit of inner steel.
Nothing of what this man says to you is true. He pays for sex with other women then comes home and has sex with you. He's not devastated or heartbroken or remorseful. He's just been caught out and is putting on the show he thinks will let him get away with it. What they really care about, husbands, is not losing any of their financial assets in divorce. That's what the show is about, and its why he might want 50/50 custody of the children. My advice to you (based on my not having done this) is stay in the family home and insist he supports you until the youngest leaves university. Get a good solicitor. Good luck. He's a dirty, sleazy, horrible man.

Oh my lovely, I feel so so sorry for you. It sounds like your self esteem is rock bottom and I suspect it was before this revelation. Would you rather be alone and free from a man who has done this to you, or shackled to him forever? If this is a real sex addiction I t is unlikely without real help (residential rehab) he is going to be able to kick this habit. If he just loves doing it, I doubt he will want to stop and when things get mundane again, as they do in life, he will be searching for the next hole to fill, it is too easy.
Or you will spend the rest of your life policing him which is just as bloody miserable. The only way this can work is if you accept his habit and have a sort of open relationship with him and the prostitutes (erm no??)
Can I ask how you found out about this?
For what it's worth, I know someone who had 8 kids who just got married to a really great guy and plenty with 3 or 4 who have moved on. But that's not really the point at the moment.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you
You say you'e had sex since ... can I just ask, is this something you feel comfortable doing or are you worried if you don't then he will seek it elsewhere again?

MrsDustyBusty Why does he think that his raping women is something that you need to go to counselling about?

Not sure that's how prostitution works.

OP. We are all different people but I know I'm the kind of person who could never forgive and forget such a thing. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life wondering what he's up to when he's late home and you can't get hold of him - even if it's perfectly innocent?

I'm afraid I will never find anyone else as I'm a mum of 3. Who would want to be with me?

You are a whole human being.

You don;t need a partner to make you complete.

I know it's easier said than done, but for your own physical and mental health, you need to ditch him.

• He's been risking your health every time he's had sex with you

• He's been neglecting your marital sex life in favour of abusing women who are more likely than not traumatised, or maybe even trafficked

• He treats women like objects - you as a possession that he doesn't want to share, prostitutes as sex toys.

• He's been spending family money on his prostitute habit (as a previous poster pointed out, this could have been spent on you or the family)

• You will never, ever be able to trust him again. You don't have to 'get over it', what he's done is pretty unforgivable.

You deserve better - that doesn't mean a new man, it means being able to live your life without having to look at a misogynist on a daily basis, wondering if he's compromising your health and marriage by buying (most likely abused) women.

He thinks women are nothing more than fuck holes - you can't fix that mindset...

So his dirty secret is out and now hrs trying emotional blackmail to get you to stay.

This is so far past acceptable, it's crazy!

Don't let the tears fool you....it's another way of trying to control you.

You can do this on your own, you know....you really can.

Oh OP, I'm sorry.

He doesn't sound sorry he sounds panicked that he's been caught.

You can get a telephone counselling session with Relate, just for you to talk it through. It doesn't have to be about making your relationship work, it's about getting your thoughts in order.

Couple counselling will give him a forum to try to convince you he isn't a bad man, he has a problem, he needs your help, you can work it out together, etc etc yada yada. You'll 'forgive' him and he'll 'get away with it' and he will do it again.

i think you need to find yourself a good counsellor and work out why you feel you aren't worth more than this. He isn't good enough for you, and if this was your DD would it be good enough for her? If not, why is it good enough for you?

He doesn't value the same things as you. He doesn't value your family and your life together. He is shitting himself that he'll have to face up and admit what he has done. He won't want people knowing and if you split up he will have to explain it.

I'm much happier as a single parent, I have greater self-respect for leaving XH and not putting up with his slutty ways. Yes it's hard work but it's much better.

Love on its own (and one sided as it is here) just isn't enough. Take a break, tell him you need time alone. If you stay together then that's your choice. Next time (and I'll put money on him doing it again when he thinks you have gotten over it) you might make a different choice. This isn't the end of it, you know that?

The man you love doesn't exist. He never existed. The man you are married to sold you a lie. What else has he lied about?

You are not as important to him as he is to you. His tears are of self pity. He's been having and cake and eating it.

Why are you worried about not having a partner in the future? Yes, the break up of a marriage is scary, but being with someone- anyone!-rather than being single is crazy. You are a person in your own right and a mother. Maybe your lack of self esteem has allowed this predatory leech to target you? You need to seek help.

I agree with all the pps who say that sex workers are often vulnerable, abused women and that the men who use them are unsavoury at best and don't give a shit about women generally. It is not a simple case of paying for a service.

I hope when the shock wears off you'll find your anger.

Jesus. What a fucking disgusting pig.

@0ccamsRazor god, that link ghastly. OP, read that and then think carefully about what kind of man you would be staying with.

He really is the lowest of the low OP. He has not only cheated on you numerous times, he's had to actually pay for the privilege. That is so sad.

You can & will do much better than him OP.

User, I am a single mum of 3 having divorced an abusive man when my children were

Poor you, op, been there, feeling for you
In my case, I didnt do anything straight away. You dont have to do anything straight away. You can take your time, wait til your emotions settle, til you are thinking more clearly. If you agree to stay for now, thats fine, and you can use the time to reassess and organise. I felt like you. Six months later, I feel stronger. I didnt leave, yet, and things are okay, in some ways. You can take your time on this, or act immediately, its up to you

I think it would be incredibly self destructive to stay with this man, even for 6 months. If you're already feeling rock bottom self esteem wise, it's only going to get worse staying in this relationship. He is toxic, in so many ways. So sorry you're going through this op but please for the sake of yourself and dc, get your ducks in a row and kick him out.

Those poor girls in that link @0ccamsRazor.

OP, I would get your husband to sit and read that. If he shows any hint of mirth in his face and is anything less than horrified, you get out. You should get out anyway but that is truly horrendous.

The one that says "she apologised for not being quite right (or something like that), must have been hay fever". More likely couldn't hold back the tears from having to let you touch her body with your vile hands.
I know not all girls in the industry feel that way, but for all those who do I feel so so sad.

Why do you need to have therapy too? Is he going to point out it is actually your fault he has a "sex addiction"

He is a. Lying Cheating. Self-pitying. TWAT.

Don't be pushed into accepting this. Take sometime to think. He is minimising and normalising. It isn't ok. I'd also bet it isn't a sex addiction.

He is a cheat

Are you really ever going to be able to forgive him and not be suspicious?

Why do pp jump on the rape bandwagon. He didn't rape anyone who they ate selling sex.

OP, this has gone on for a very long time.

His fears of not being able to see the children are not a worry. You don't sound like the kind of person who would stand in the way of that.

I personally couldn't stay with him. I feel like it would be saying that cheating on you for 6 years is acceptable. I firmly believe that actions like this have consequences, if you stay with him he'll think you're incapable of going it alone.

Then, he puts you at risk health wise, while he continues to see prostitutes.

He says he was disgusted, but went back again for 6 years. He wasn't disgusted....

How did you find out? A confession?

He though you were cheating on him, because he was judging you on his own standards.

He fears you getting a new man. ... I would suggest that you separate to get some space and thinking time.

He needs to believe you are very prepared to end your marriage over this.

Counselling at this stage should be for him alone .... If he thinks he's sex addict, he needs to see a psychotherapist for it. He can use the money he was using for the prostitutes on this.

This isn't the time for marriage counselling. If you are continuing to sleep with him use condoms.

I am so glad you came here. When a man I thought was my life partner (adored by my friends and family, successful at work, vegetarian, attractive and intelligent) revealed that he had spent two years serving his sex addiction meeting random women for sex several times a week (his work made this easy to hide, despite the number of casual encounters running into serious figures), he too was 'devastated' and 'desperate' to have couple's counselling. He wasn't really. What was really important to him was that I didn't tell anyone, as 'our friends would hate him' and turn me against him (helping me see sense, more like it). He said he wanted me to listen to my own heart, and not cloud my perception by speaking to friends or family, basically isolating me and cutting me off from any support by guilt-tripping me. He encouraged me to see it as a growth opportunity, as a way for us to work on our relationship. He also manipulated me into having sex with him in the days, weeks and months following his revelation, supposedly as a way of strengthening our bond and 'loving me' (boak). I thought I loved him, so I bought it. Of course we took a trip to an STI clinic, and when it transpired neither of us had an STI, he seemed smugly vindicated, and patronised me, although I didn't quite get the subtlety at the time.
I struggled with my feelings for a few months, and didn't realise that it had all somehow become about me, and my capacity for forgiveness and moving on, patiently encouraged by him, all the while keeping me close. I had been so 'nice' about it, allowing myself a few rants, but mainly either commiserating with him about the heartache of sex addiction, reading relationship self-help books or crying on my own. Sure, he was still sorry and compensated with big gestures, but I can see with hindsight that although he was the perfect embodiment of generous and enlightened patience, he had grown bored of the whole thing and just wanted me to get over myself, forgive him and get back to our normal. When circumstances caused me to have go abroad to attend to a family matter for a period, the fall out was astounding. Away from his influence I suddenly saw how he had controlled and manipulated me into a totally disempowered position, taking advantage of my wanting to be 'good', 'non-judgmental' and 'fair', to protect him from the consequences of his behaviour . As we had no children, it was easy to leave. I decided to start talking to my friends and family, and of course, the support was overwhelming. It was so healing to have my compliance questioned, my outrage encouraged and my grief met with kindness and concern. If there was one thing I wish I had done differently, it would have been to talk to my friends. I suppose I am saying this as I really feel your pain, and can absolutely see how you feel that having children, not to mention a house and everything that comes with a life together complicates things for you, but he complicated them by behaving outrageously and basically shitting on you and your children. I am sure you are a thoroughly nice woman, and I hope for your sake that he doesn't succeed in taking further advantage of your good nature. My ex went on to pretty much repeat history with a new partner, with whom he has since had children, and who is stoically compliant with his serial philandering. So no change.
Wishing you so much strength and courage. Whatever 'compliance' you are manipulated into (such as having sex with him or accepting gestures of reconciliation), doesn't make you any less wronged, or him any less of a piss-taker. You remain totally within your right to feel hurt, deceived and outraged. Don't be tricked out of your deep, true knowing that this is not your fault .

to rape exploited women behind your back for SIX YEARS.

Can we focus on the issue and stop this talk of rape. You clearly don't understand the definition of rape.

OP you said you felt he had a low libido, because although your sex life is regular it's not twice a day everyday sort of pace. Yet he says now no, I have a high libido.

But having a high libido means nothing really. There's no reason he shouldn't be having loads of sex with you.

So he needs the prostitutes for more than straightforward sex. He has a need to treat women as removed, to depersonalise them, to treat as objects for his self gratification. In short, it's sex without emotion or love he needs, and probably also to do partcularly kinky stuff he can't/won't do with you.

Even if by some miracle therapy worked, I think he would find it a bit frustrating not getting his particular fix.

6 years is a long time. A one off, maybe. A long protracted history of deceitful coverup? I would think not. I think you should see a lawyer and get him to pay for the dcs until youngest leaves uni as suggested earlier. In any case, I don't think forgiveness will be enough to make him stop. So very very sorry. I cannot imagine how you must be feeling

Boo hoo poor him. Christ OP don't let him do this to you. Horrendous to find out after all these years, it is absolutely awful. But what on earth do you need therapy for? How could you possibly trust him again or forget all he has enjoyed at your family's expense. Argh.

Often when couples think they may break up and it's messy they go through a stage of hysterical bonding, which I think is what happened to you.

Sometimes relationships can be saved and I get the fear as I almost ended my marriage a few months ago after 20 years,

However there are some things that are NOT worth saving and your marriage is one of them. The fact that he used prostitutes with all the messed up power exploiting behaviour he has and that he could lie for six years.

He is an incredibly horrendous person and you must walk away.