Something has just this second happened with Dp, I don't know how I feel (sex related)

[Azerothian]

I've just come upstairs, I'm actually shaking and crying but I don't know if I'm overreacting or not.

And I'm really sorry but I have to describe certain sexual acts briefly or this post won't make sense (I've seen trigger warnings on here before but don't know how to do them, sorry)

I was downstairs with dp after just managing to get dc to sleep. He initiated sex and I was initially into it. During this time we did do anal sex and I agreed.

The dp went for a 'fag break' (it's actually an e-cig)

When he came back we started to have normal sex but then he wanted to do anal again. I said no because it was now sore.

He was behind me and kept trying.

I started to feel panicky and said no again twice and that I didn't want to. He carried on.

I completely froze, I've never felt anything like it. I wanted him to stop but I just didn't move. Didn't make any effort to push him off or get away. Just locked up.

He stopped and asked what the matter was an if I was ok after about a minute. I started shaking and crying.

He said sorry and that I had only said no quietly. I didn't answer and he said he was really sorry, now knew where the line was and would never do it again.

Then he said 'I'm not going to prison now am I? Was that rape?'

I just said 'don't worry I'm not going to call the police on you' and came upstairs.

I can see in my phone that he has text a few times saying 'I love you' while I've been writing this message.

One half of me wants to cuddle him and pretend it didn't happen, the other half feels like screaming and throwing him out and never looking at him again.

Am I overreacting? He says it's just a mistake but I feel so wrong about it.

oi body Odour , not horror sheesh

I'm also coming to the slow realisation that actually the relationship between me and the few friends I had left is much more distant than I previously thought.

I started to notice it when I realised there was really no one else I would really be comfortable to tell or talk to about this.

I used to be very close to my friends and extended family.

Ex p didn't like to go out, or really for me to go out without guilt tripping me for leaving him and the dc on their own. He would go out of the room if anyone visited, or go on the computer and ignore them.

I've been so blind haven't I? I was cut off and didn't even realise it!

I have been looking at the freedom programme. Once again I catch myself thinking 'well it wasn't that bad'. But I think I'd like to go on it at some point soon.

If anything else it might put me in touch with some potential rl support as well as the amazing support on here.

I've stripped the bedding and will go get a few scented candles tomorrow.

Dm and df have removed all of his things from the house and stored them in the shed. At least I don't have to come across them.

Not blessed in the brains dept, Milly ?

It is not the anal sex Milly101.

It is that she said no three times, which he heard but didn't stop.

It is the RAPE that is the problem.

Good luck, Azero. You are on the right track x

I've just read the whole thread x can't add anything to the amazing advice you have had but just wanted to say how proud I am of you for taking action x I am glad your mom is there to support you x stay strong x

Yes, Milly, you are the only one.

Anal sex, vaginal sex, any sort of sex act with consent = fine.

Anal sex, vaginal sex without consent = rape.

It is very straightforward, you nasty little rape apologist.

Yes Milly it's just you. We've already established that rape apology is not welcome here. Perhaps you have some boundaries you need to sort out. Either way, please don't mess with ours and especially not the OP's.

Azero I'm so glad it's helping. You're doing so well. Just to echo what pp have said, do not trust him. Any nicety is a sign to up your guard. You will probably always wonder, but for me at least it's now turned into "why couldn't he just have behaved as a decent, normal man would?" rather than "what did I do?". I was blinded for years and it is so insidious, I got isolated in exactly the way you describe. It's how they're successful, out and out say "you can't see x" and we're more likely to see that's wrong. Subtly make it more and more uncomfortable to have people around, but never give us anything too concrete to question (and gaslight us if we do) and eventually, slowly, we'll just stop seeing people because we or they don't want the bad atmosphere.

You'll find you keep learning things too. That DARVO picture, I'd never seen that before but that is exactly what XP does to me. All the time. It's helped me to see that, so that's another way your thread is helping others as well as you (can't scroll back but thank you so much to whoever posted that).

Oh gosh you all got to Milly so much quicker than me! Too busy reining in my gut instinct to rape apologists. (Not at all sorry for what I said to lastsummer yesterday, but no good the message getting deleted).

So pleased to see things continuing to go well, aside from the odd fuckwit eruption on the thread (dealt with promptly of course).

Great teamwork getting the locks changed and all his stuff in the shed. Well done to you and your family.

Hope you begin to feel that you are reclaiming your home.

If you're finding it helpful to read around, which it sounds like you are, this list of links might be useful www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2814536-Useful-information-and-links-for-people-dealing-with-narcissistic-or-difficult-ex-partners

The Out of the Fog website is very good.

What's really chilling about it all is that there are so many common tactics. But, this tells you that it's not you.

I've just read this whole thread, and I have to say what a brave woman you are azero Your children are very lucky to have you and reading this has all been very inspiring if I'm honest.
Wishing you and your children all the best for the future.

Thank you it is so chilling when some parts read like they've written it personally about him or our relationship.

I do feel like I'm claiming it back slowly. To be completely honest it's probably going to take a complete redecorate but in the meantime I'm just doing small things.

Like dusting off the clock my mum got me that he hated and hanging it up. My wall now. 😁

I have a slightly tense feeling in my stomach, I think your right and this silent treatment will be ended the same way as last time. With a barrage of niceness and civility.

It won't work this time, I'm getting myself ready for it so it can't catch me off guard.

Just really signing in to send (((hugs))), best wishes and prayers. I have been thinking of you today and although we have never met just wanted to say how proud I am of you.

Remember one step at a time and the occasional "wobble" or even very regular "wobble" is normal. Remember to be kind to yourself.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. He is a despicable person. I've not clicked on any of the links, but read up about gas lighting. I think this is what he is trying to do to you, make you look 'crazy'. Don't let him.

You have already been incredibly strong, keep going. sending you love.

Brace yourself...

outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/11/4/hoovering

They all think they're something special. Nothing special about them or their behaviour.

You are doing so, so well. I actually felt proud of you when I read about you putting that clock up. I hope every time you see that clock it reminds you of what you've achieved and how strong you've been.

You are being so strong op, just keep reminding yourself that. He will try to grind you down because shitty people do that. The best offense is a good defense. You are doing everything you can to stay strong. If you feel wavering please post an update and talk to posters here. You've had so much good advice.

If you feel yourself wavering don't blame yourself or get upset with yourself, I think you'll find most posters have been there too and can help you through it.

When you feel stronger maybe talk with a counsellor about reaching out to your once closest friends. I would hold off until then in case they don't have a response that would help you right now.

I'm glad that I could be helpful to you, OP, and others who have survived the same sort of trauma.

Regarding anything he says to you...have you seen The Exorcist?

"Especially important is the warning to avoid conversations with the demon.... He is a liar. The demon is a liar. He will lie to confuse us. But he will also mix lies with the truth to attack us. The attack is psychological, Damien, and powerful. So don't listen to him. Remember that - do not listen."

I've been so blind haven't I? I was cut off and didn't even realise it!

Boiling the frog.

Milly, obvious you've just eaten shit for your tea, no need for you to spew it up, on this thread. Do one.

Oh my god greencarbluecar that's is exactly what happened last time. It makes sense though, he was so convincing because he believed it himself. And look what happened anyway.

I'll be ready this time, and I know I'll have mn to turn to.