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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Something has just this second happened with Dp, I don't know how I feel (sex related)

992 replies

Azerothian · 18/08/2017 22:34

I've just come upstairs, I'm actually shaking and crying but I don't know if I'm overreacting or not.

And I'm really sorry but I have to describe certain sexual acts briefly or this post won't make sense (I've seen trigger warnings on here before but don't know how to do them, sorry)

I was downstairs with dp after just managing to get dc to sleep. He initiated sex and I was initially into it. During this time we did do anal sex and I agreed.

The dp went for a 'fag break' (it's actually an e-cig)

When he came back we started to have normal sex but then he wanted to do anal again. I said no because it was now sore.

He was behind me and kept trying.

I started to feel panicky and said no again twice and that I didn't want to. He carried on.

I completely froze, I've never felt anything like it. I wanted him to stop but I just didn't move. Didn't make any effort to push him off or get away. Just locked up.

He stopped and asked what the matter was an if I was ok after about a minute. I started shaking and crying.

He said sorry and that I had only said no quietly. I didn't answer and he said he was really sorry, now knew where the line was and would never do it again.

Then he said 'I'm not going to prison now am I? Was that rape?'

I just said 'don't worry I'm not going to call the police on you' and came upstairs.

I can see in my phone that he has text a few times saying 'I love you' while I've been writing this message.

One half of me wants to cuddle him and pretend it didn't happen, the other half feels like screaming and throwing him out and never looking at him again.

Am I overreacting? He says it's just a mistake but I feel so wrong about it.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
PoorYorick · 20/08/2017 18:23

"Milly"? Was there another one? Where is the slimehole they keep crawling out of? Can we seal it?

Original poster
Azerothian · 20/08/2017 18:25

PoorYorick I will keep that quite firmly in mind.

I feel like something's going to happen. I don't know if that's intuition or some sort of reaction to my home not feeling quite as safe as before.

OP posts:
NellieBuff · 20/08/2017 18:28

It is a sad fact that there will always be rape apologists. Mind you doesn't mean we have to give them any credence. All we can do is keep shooting them down when they pop up.

PoorYorick · 20/08/2017 18:36

I wish there were so many apologists for car thieves and vandals. Didn't like having your car stolen? Shouldn't have had a nice pretty car, should you? Your car got keyed? That's your fault for leaving it unattended. Someone let down your tyres? Are you sure? How do you know they let down your tyres? Some people like having flat tyres, you know, maybe you're just one of those types of drivers and you don't like to admit it. I don't think you should report that shattered windscreen. You'll only embarrass yourself for not having a Rottweiler chained to your chassis at all times. I'm thinking of you here, you know, your car's safety is of paramount importance to me.

Azero, sadly you are probably right...he is likely to be in contact. Stay strong. We're right behind you.

greencarbluecar · 20/08/2017 18:37

Azero you've hit the nail on the head. They believe themselves, even when the lies are so obvious, and that makes them convincing.

They also fully believe that they are justified in their abusive behaviour. You saw that in those awful texts he sent you. You're already so far ahead in not engaging with that and trying to make him see reason. They're not reasonable people, so that way madness lies.

You're forewarned this time. Once you start to see it, you see so many little things. I promise one day, at least some of the time, you'll just roll your eyes and find his tactics pathetic.

BellaNoche · 20/08/2017 18:40

I hadn't seen the DARVO picture either, it is spot on.

Azero. what happened to me is in the far distant past now.
You do learn to live around it and I rarely think about it these days.

I did self blame at first and thought it was all my fault. But... I was 18 and it lasted a couple of years and there was no family to support me as I had moved towns due to an abusive mother.

It was a violent relationship also and I had no friends. In the end, I left and I slept rough for a couple of days before finding a refuge with the help of a stranger.
Anyway, I did stop blaming myself and self questioning as I realised it was not my fault. I came out of it ok but it took time. The support around you is good here and at home and that is great to see. You will get a healthy circle of people around you in 3D in time ..the people on here who have your back are real people in real life too behind these keyboards.
What stars they are... ( and a couple of folks defo on another planet too.. but mega bollocks to them)

It is NOT YOUR FAULT either. I know you want time to fast forward so things are ok again. Sorry we can't do that but it will be ok, but it will be bumpy for a while.

I've adult children now and they do not know the story although their Dad whom I met later and am still with.. does.

You are doing so well, take it easy and step by step xxxx

greencarbluecar · 20/08/2017 18:42

Good point Yorick

"Had your new tv stolen? Been mugged in the street? Want to go to the police? Is it just me that thinks that's a bit of an overreaction, after all you went out of your house so obviously it isn't taboo for others to enter when you're not there. And you had your phone in plain view when it was stolen, what do you expect?"

(Yes Milly if you're still reading, I have based that on you. Getting it yet?)

HettySunshine · 20/08/2017 18:42

Does he pay into the mortgage OP? Or anything into bills and things? Expect all of those payments to stop dead from now.

Are you able to cover his share of the outgoings? Sorry, I don't want to give you anything else to worry about, but the more time you have to prepare for him to stop paying the better.

You're doing absolutely amazingly. Keep talking to us. We're here for you xx

Cary2012 · 20/08/2017 18:43

OP, I have no advice for you, but think you are a strong, strong lady.
You've had amazing support on here.
The next few weeks won't be easy, but you have amazing parents and all of us wishing you well.
Take care lovely, you're an inspiration x

WhatWouldGenghisDo · 20/08/2017 18:54

being in a controlling relationship can be like being squeezed into a smaller and smaller space with more and more rules that you learn and become used to obeying without even necessarily really noticing what's happening. I love the way you are already stretching out and reclaiming your space wrt to clocks etc.

If you feel up to it, I'd suggest also just keeping an eye out for times when you're automatically sticking to his rules (maybe things about going out or contacting friends or how you organise things or spend your time at home) and making sure you break them a lot. It'll get him out of your head quicker.

Excellent plan to prepare in advance for hoovering attempts!

Original poster
Azerothian · 20/08/2017 19:16

Had a bit of a tearful outburst once dc were asleep and ended up throwing away some cushions after they jogged a memory but I'm trying not to beat myself up about it.

To distract myself I'd actually messaged one of the best friends I've lost contact with. I haven't talked about this, just a general chatty message.

I'm quite surprised, she answered straight back and now were planning to go out for lunch some time when she gets back from holiday. She wa really happy I'd got in contact. So that's been a big pick me up.

The last time I went out for lunch with a friend was about a two and a half years ago, and I was made to feel bad about that. I didn't even really notice it had been that long.

OP posts:
seedsofchange · 20/08/2017 19:16

Delurking from reading from the start to applaud you for being so strong and focused. Horrible that this was done to you :( but Flowers and pompoms for how you have dealt with the shit. Am in awe of your strength and dignity.

seedsofchange · 20/08/2017 19:18

And yes I suspect you will realise a lot of his past stuff has been designed to isolate and intimidate you :(

LEMtheoriginal · 20/08/2017 19:29

You are awesome x

WhatWouldGenghisDo · 20/08/2017 19:32

Hurrah! Well done Azerothian - you will have your friendship group back in no time at this rate.

(And throwing away triggering cushions sounds like perfectly reasonable behaviour to me)

NameChange30 · 20/08/2017 19:51

It's ok to have a tearful outburst, in fact I think it's healthy to let it out. And very reasonable to throw away the cushions!

And very good news about your friend - lovely to have the lunch to look forward to in a few weeks' time Smile

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 20/08/2017 19:51

You go girl, we're right behind you.

honeyroar · 20/08/2017 19:52

You know, you're going to be more than alright, you're going to be great in the future, much stronger and happier, living your own life and not in his shadow. Play yourself Christina Aguillera's Stronger - it's your new theme tune!

Original poster
Azerothian · 20/08/2017 20:05

Thank you, it's very odd being on my own at night. I suppose I didn't notice last night as I was at dm's.

It's not unpleasant though (I have the remote and am watching my 'crap' taste in tv for the first time in..I can't even remember when)

OP posts:
fannydaggerz · 20/08/2017 20:08

I'm thinking of you OP

Timefortea99 · 20/08/2017 20:14

Perhaps out of this terrible thing a good thing can happen? You get your life back. Meeting up with friends is a good start. Stay strong, you are doing so well.

JudoChop · 20/08/2017 20:22

@Azerothian You are bloody amazing OP and as someone else said upthread, there's plenty of us on your side, your post(s) have helped me in so many ways

I've name changed just to keep myself safe (not from you guys obvs) and had posted a couple of times earlier on. You are so strong, I've been blindsided for so long (talking 10+ years) and your posts are opening my eyes to my own life (sorry to bring it to myself)

Just that I wanted to reiterate you and the other lovely ladies posting, all your incredible strength and courage x

Finch82 · 20/08/2017 20:24

Hi OP

I came across this thread yesterday evening and have been following it ever since. I haven't posted until now as I think the support you are getting from the mn community is fabulous and I have nothing to add.

I just wanted to say how amazing you have been in dealing with everything and that I wish you and your DD every future happiness going. She is really lucky to have such a strong mother! Good luck with everything xxx

DressedCrab · 20/08/2017 20:30

I have so much admiration for you, OP. Stay strong.

PeterGriffinsPenisBeaker · 20/08/2017 20:34

You are one brave lady. You have got farther into the evidence process than many of us manage and the evidence is now there for you to do what YOU want to do with it.

Everything from here on in is your decision and you're in the driving seat. Keep that thought when you hit the low moments (they will come and they will be hard). You have made the biggest step by throwing him out and reclaiming your life. I don't know you but I want to give you a big unMumsnetty hug.

And ignore the fuckers who victim blame. It is NEVER the victims fault. No means no without question. I believe you, you've done nothing wrong.

And to quote the poster qbove: "He's a cunt. You are lovely".

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