Something has just this second happened with Dp, I don't know how I feel (sex related)

[Azerothian]

I've just come upstairs, I'm actually shaking and crying but I don't know if I'm overreacting or not.

And I'm really sorry but I have to describe certain sexual acts briefly or this post won't make sense (I've seen trigger warnings on here before but don't know how to do them, sorry)

I was downstairs with dp after just managing to get dc to sleep. He initiated sex and I was initially into it. During this time we did do anal sex and I agreed.

The dp went for a 'fag break' (it's actually an e-cig)

When he came back we started to have normal sex but then he wanted to do anal again. I said no because it was now sore.

He was behind me and kept trying.

I started to feel panicky and said no again twice and that I didn't want to. He carried on.

I completely froze, I've never felt anything like it. I wanted him to stop but I just didn't move. Didn't make any effort to push him off or get away. Just locked up.

He stopped and asked what the matter was an if I was ok after about a minute. I started shaking and crying.

He said sorry and that I had only said no quietly. I didn't answer and he said he was really sorry, now knew where the line was and would never do it again.

Then he said 'I'm not going to prison now am I? Was that rape?'

I just said 'don't worry I'm not going to call the police on you' and came upstairs.

I can see in my phone that he has text a few times saying 'I love you' while I've been writing this message.

One half of me wants to cuddle him and pretend it didn't happen, the other half feels like screaming and throwing him out and never looking at him again.

Am I overreacting? He says it's just a mistake but I feel so wrong about it.

Can your mum come home with you and stay til the kids are settled in bed?

I remember when I changed the locks and returned home after it all kicked off last year.

It was hard cos I had no choice but to go into rooms that were full of abusive memories, however, it was like a out of body experience.
And now I still live here and those memories are fading.

But having someone come home with you could be easier.

Where is he? Does he know to stay away?

Op you're amazing.

He, however, is a steaming pile of shit.

I assume he's at his mums, about ten minutes drive away.

I'm pretty certain he won't come around, he never did last time.

I caught myself reading about the freedom programme earlier and wondering if it could change him. After reading everything I could find these last two days I know that's a road to self destruction.

I know some of you fantastic women have done this, how long does it take thoughts of self blame and wondering if you could have changed it/him/the outcome, to go away?

I know it's early days. I partially wish I could skip to years from now.

And dm has insisted on coming with me and settling the kids in.

I love your mum.

I'm sorry you're going through this. You said no, he was wrong - you have done the right thing.

Thinking of you.

I'm glad she's going to come with you.

I don't think that element of self blame ever fully goes away, because it's based in empathy and Misguided fairness.

Make no mistake, this wasn't an accident, he didn't make a mistake.
He groomed you, the waters were tested in your previous break up. He laid foundations for this for years.
Emotionally he has worked you so you believe it's your fault.

Forget changing him. Not possible.
My ex husband has so far said

• I'm lying
• 5 yr old dd is lying
• 3 judges don't know what they are talking about
• my solicitor doesn't know what she's talking about
• cafcass professional is lying
• a DV expert is lying

Everyone except him apparently!!

Your blameless here. He's a cunt. Your lovely

Your blameless here. He's a cunt. Your lovely

👏🏼 👏🏼 👏🏼 ^THIS

Just stopping by to give you my support OP

Your mum sounds bloody amazing! You are being so brave and also setting a great example for women everywhere

Azero your so strong your posts have brought tears to my eyes. I am looking at this from a Mothers perspective and can only imagine how awful it would be if either of my DD's ever had to face something like this.Your Mum is a super star,but bet she would just say she's being a Mum. It is appalling what has happened,please do not blame yourself in anyway,shape or form. Turn that voice off in your head,none of this is your fault , things are going to be tough for a while,but please don't consider taking this evil person back into your life. Stay strong and believe in yourself,no one can change another person or their actions. Big hug from me ( older generation) bless you.

I agree with GettingScared that the element of self-blame (or rather self-questioning) never entirely goes away but the voice gets quieter until one day you just don't think about it. I understand that you want it behind you it will take a lot of courage and support however. The good news is you have both of those in abundance as well as lovely Mumsnet.

Thank you this place really is a lifeline.

Ive just read back over the whole thread, it's been painful and also inspiring. I know I can't see you but it feels like there are so many people behind me.

I think it's going to be invaluable in the coming months.

I know some of you fantastic women have done this, how long does it take thoughts of self blame and wondering if you could have changed it/him/the outcome, to go away?

I hate to break this news to you but it takes years for this to completely erase. However after a while you will get to understand that. It's like ptsd.

What is totally the mind fuck is that he will be really lovely towards you sometimes during the separation proceedings. Please be aware this is a precursor to something. DO NOT BE taken in by his friendliness or kindness. EVER!! Also please be aware that some men never let it go, even if they partner up with someone else and have children with them. Even affair, love of my life, partners.

You are doing well.

Think about moving the furniture around downstairs. I know you said you were uncomfortable about the room where this happened and that might help just a little bit if the room looks different.

Even an act of kindness towards you such as a smile is suspicious. Trust me. xx

Even an act of kindness towards you such as a smile is suspicious. Trust me

Totally agree. A small smile or one sided smile is their way of a) testing the water
B) making up the asshole for not smiling back.

I found I had to develop a way of shutting down whenever I had to see him.
You will find a way.

Where are on reporting it? Because that's the other aspect, if you report it then the police will intervene and tell him to stay away.

Well azerothian rest assured, in the coming months and for as long as you need us, we are here. We will get you through this

I'm at home now, locks are changed.

Just sat here with a cuppa before we start moving stuff around. I definitely want to rearrange it. I'll probably end up getting new furniture eventually tbh.

It's hit me harder than I thought it would being back here.

He tidied up before he left. That makes me angry for some reason.

I don't have anything to say, I just wanted to add a message to the many you already have sending you my virtual support

Have been following your updates and i am so very proud of you. I ended up redecorating the entire house to get rid of his "presence". Do not ever doubt yourself. You are strong. You can and WILL get through this. For what its worth the freedom program helped me immensely. But only when you are ready my lovely xx

He's making a statement HE is the reasonable one, Look, I cleaned up even.
She's the crazy one.

That's my take on it

((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))) OP. Many things he does from now on will be designed to make you look like the bad guy.

"" DARVO (The Abusers' Strategy) This acronym was created by Psychologist Jennifer Freyd, an incest survivor and researcher who discovered that when abusers are guilty of abuse they employ a strategy to avoid blame and further traumatize the victim;a strategy that our society often colludes with to stay blind to the truth. Abusers: Deny the victim's accusation, Attack the victim, then Reverse ... the Victim and Offender. The abuser becomes the victim making the real victim seem like the evil one.""

^^ Author unknown to me. I did NOT write this but I wholeheartedly agree

Night Folks (((((((Hugs))))))) OP [its 1.42 am here in Oz] I just wanted to stay for OP to return to Her home.

I did a lot of furniture rearranging in the immediate weeks after ex was arrested.
Simple things make such a massive massive difference!

Your so strong, you don't see it now but you will. Always here for anything you want to say!

came back to say just Quick

Get a scent spray of something you like that you haven't had before.
Spray your pillow and bedroom.

You dont want to go to sleep and get hit by the pillows smelling of him [normal body horror, we all have our own personal scent]

((((((((Hugs))))) OP.

Signing off for the night