"But we took you to Stately Homes" - survivors of dysfunctional and toxic families

[toomuchtooold]

It's August 2017, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011
November 2011
January 2012
November 2012
January 2013
March 2013
August 2013
December 2013
February 2014
April 2014
July 2014
Oct 14 – Dec 14
Dec 14 – March 15
March 2015 - Nov 2015
Nov 2015 - Feb 2016
Feb 2016 - Oct 2016
Oct 2016 - Feb 2017
Feb 2017 - May 2017
May 2017 - Aug 2017
Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread.

This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' see original thread here (December 2007)

So this thread originates from that thread and has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.

The title refers to an original poster's family who claimed they could not have been abusive as they had taken her to plenty of Stately Homes during her childhood!

One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;

'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.

Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.

NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.

You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.

'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.

I started with this book and found it really useful.

Here are some excerpts:

"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.

Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.

Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:

"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.

YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".

"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.

YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".

"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."

"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"

"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."

"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."

Helpful Websites

Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker

Some books:

Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Homecoming by John Bradshaw
Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride
If you had controlling parents by Dan Neuharth
When you and your mother can't be friends by Victoria Segunda
Children of the self-absorbed by Nina Brown - check reviews on this, I didn't find it useful myself.
Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione
Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nazakawa

This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:

"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support."

I've just driven past my brothers new house (school run)
My sister's car is outside so mums prob there too
How cosy 😩

Just remembered something...
Last year mum was talking about funerals cheery i know but she'd just been to her brothers so it was obv on her mind
I said something like "I'll make sure you have what you want" and she said "well you might die before me" then laughed
I mean....thats not normal is it??
Is it?

I miss my siblings so much but they are just mouth pieces for my controlling pathological liar of a mother 😔

Evening all. We are embarking on our second night in our new home.

It is beautifully peaceful not waiting for a brief knock on the door announcing my parents arrival followed by their entrance and then a lecture/one sided argument!

My mil said she shed a little tear at the quiet in the house after we had left. So we’ve made sure to take the children round today.😆

But now I have the task of sorting out my own parents. Or at least outlining expectations - mine of them. I have written a letter and am in 2 minds about posting it now. It will be a very big nail in the coffin. Possibly the final one. But since they won’t listen to me when I ask these questions, it won’t let me ask them, there is literally no other way to get my point across.

badders no that's not normal. Sometimes it's these unguarded comments that give away how fucked up they are. My mother once said DD1 was her favourite because DD2 is dark like me and she'd already had one of them. SMH.

Daisy it's not easy.

Mini congratulations on the new house! So glad to hear it's all done.

Hi! I hope you don't mind me hopping on the thread. I dip in and out of mumsnet and rarely post... But I think I did find this thread a while ago and posted a couple of times under a different login. I've been on a bit of journey these last 18 months or so, discovering and realising the root of all my emotional problems. In fact I have just read an article about emotional neglect in childhood (from one of the websites linked to above) and it was like the article was written specifically about myself. Anyway I have a couple of questions...

1. how do you feel about the 'enabling' parent? My dad is the emotional abuser and I suspect has a personality disorder. Mum is the sweetest person but I am finding myself quite angry with her at the moment for keeping me and my brother in such a toxic environment. Ive never felt anger towards her before, only my dad. I don't know if I'm being unfair because realistically it would have been very hard for her to leave..

2. can anyone give me hope of truly healing from childhood experiences? I find it really hard to bond with people and build relationships. I am in process of divorcing.. Marriage has been a disaster, but I'd hate to think I went through the rest of my life without experiencing a truly loving relationship..

Thanks for reading x

Can I just rant for a bit? My mum is emotionally abusive to not just me but all 4 of us but it got worse when planning my wedding 2 years ago and now that I'm so very close to giving birth she's started to try and weed her way into coming down to help with the baby which is certainly not a good idea as she sucks with babies, she drives me crazy after a few hours and she's been hinting heavily that actually I do need her help but not outright asking me what I want and going quiet/having a strop when I ignore her comments or say the opposite of what she wants to hear.
She's also (this might out me if she ever comes across it but who cares at this point) has saved her baby clothes from when she was younger (1969's) so that she can dress my children up in them. I told her no such thing would ever happen and she point blank said to me "well when you're not here I'll be able to and you won't stop me". Shes now never going to be left alone with my child ever. She had a chance to redeem herself and prove that I could trust her but nope.

This is just to me, and I'm her favourite daughter (but not overall favourite, that would be my youngest brother). She's called my other sister and brother rejects outright when they were about 13 or so. That was 9 years ago. And she throws tantrums when she can't have her own way.

I feel better for saying this to a bunch of strangers, thank you. Luckily my dad is the nicest person on the earth. As is my step mum.

broccoli my situation is similar to yours so thanks for posting! My F (died over 10 years ago) was the one seen as having the ‘problem’ (prescription drug addiction) and my M was the enabler.

In answer to your first question, I have the same dilemma in that I’m not sure whether my M could have realistically left my F in order to protect me and DSis. But she could have done a lot of other things to mitigate what happened and she didn’t. I also realise (now that my F is dead) that a lot of her enabling behaviour was very self-serving. She liked (still likes) to appear the martyr, the saint etc because she has a kind of false self and that’s what she wants her false self to be. Sadly, that false self is and always was more important to her than the well-being of her children.

I may not be making a lot of sense, but to understand it all better I’d recommend the book ‘Codependency for Dummies’ which really helped me.

Regarding your second question, I think you’re (we’re) always in a process of recovery - the main thing is to keep working at it. The key for me is to allow myself to access the feelings I suppressed in childhood and feel them properly as an adult. For example, I wasn’t ‘allowed’ to be angry with my parents as a child, and I wasn’t upset about how I was treated/neglected because I didn’t realise it was happening to me. But giving yourself the time and space to just feel those ‘lost’ feelings as your adult self helps you to process and work through things.

Hope that helps. Keep posting!

Badders here....mn went weird and then I couldn't log back on...grrr

Hi everyone

Have been reading this thread for a while. Thank you all for being so open about your experiences.

My question is about breaking the cycle of emotional abuse. I grew up with an emotionally abusive mother and now seem to be drawn to partners with similar traits. It's 'familiar' to me and I fall back into the 'if I try harder/do more/am better/love them more' thought patterns.

I'm 17 weeks pregnant by my ex who accuses me of being unfaithful - I never once have been. My mother is now in the moderate stages of Alzheimer's and so I spend a week a month working from the town my parents live in to help with admin/support etc.

Broccoli and others worrying about recovery: don't despair. It can and does happen. It just takes time and while you're healing you can feel worse. I think part of feeling worse is that you have to feel your feelings. And for some time that csn be really hard. Also because for a while you feel a lot of the anger and upset you repressed and you've no where to put it. Because it's pointless engaging with your parents whom these feelings are about. Both the narc snd the enabler. All you can do is accept your feelings and make space in your life for decent relationships.
I recommend a good counsellor if you can afford it.
Counselling helped me through the storm at the start but also long term I see him less often but it keeps me on track.

I also found I needed to do a lot of the self actualising I should really have done as a teen (but wasn't allowed to). Periods of intense interest in clothes or make up or interests working out who I actually am - rather than who my parents wanted me to be.
It's hard but nowadays I'm do happy and content. I finally feel like a real person. Not some thing that reflects back at people what they want from me nor someone who's constantly difficult because I'm do scared of being forced into a box by others I get my punch in first. A few years ago I would have thought that being like thus wasn't going to be possible for someone with my kind of damage. But now it's happened and worth every penny on counselling and every dark day of crying over shit that happened that i couldnt fix anymore (or do it felt). Some of that process for me was accepting I had serious damage that made me behave in ways that were co-dependent or possibly bpd. I found it hard to see the flaws my childhood gifted me. But accepting them was the start of slowly healing them

Nadeynoo, my only advice to you now is to prioritise yourself and your baby over everything and everyone else.
Realistically you aren't going to be able to continue to support your parents for one week a month when the baby is here, so now is time to start working out what, if anything, you are prepared to do for them. Remember, don't listen to that emotional voice inside of you that tells you to do more and more in order to fix them. You can't so don't waste energy trying.
If you decide you do want to do something for them then pick tasks that can be done remotely, e.g. Organising weekly online grocery delivery so you can do something practical without having to even see them.
Decide for yourself what is reasonable and then set clear boundaries with them, you have the excuse of having a new baby to prepare for so it will be easier in some ways to force a change through.
The cycle is hard to break but it starts with awareness and you have already taken the first step in identifying that it was abuse.
Wrt future relationships I think it's partly that as codependents we are drawn to people with similar traits to our narc parents but also that those people are on the look out for people like us to exploit.
I listened to a really interesting thing on YouTube m.youtube.com/watch?v=Es2kjU9hlcM she talks about a relationship with a narcissist being like playing a game of chess. At the beginning of the game not much is happening and you can't see if anyone has the upper hand. Then as play progresses one player emerges as the offensive player, on the attack, which forces the other into playing defensively.
You saying that your ex accuses you of having an affair is an example of that, he is 'attacking' you and you have to defend yourself against unfounded accusations. It is you who is on the back foot.
If you can't go no contact with a narcissist then you can at least play an 'offensive' game. I have decided to proactively state boundaries, rather than waiting for one to be broken and then trying to assert myself- it's too late then. For a long time I have tried to let the narcissists tactics wash over me and not respond, it is much better than letting them wind me up because then I am fuelling narcisstic supply by responding.
Medium chill/grey rock is definitely an essential first step, the idea being that the narcissist loses interest in you and starts looking elsewhere for supply. Eventually they stop playing offensively and that leaves the field open for the other player. This still has to be really subtle of course because you still want to be a grey rock to them but being proactive and anticipating their moves, planning a strategy in advance to outwit and disarm them.
I'm not suggesting that we turn into narcissists ourselves and beat them at their own game, far from it. But to recognise that they are playing a game with very unfair rules where they can be the only winner. If you have to engage with their game at all (if you can't go no contact) then you might as well write rules to a new game that's actually fair and then play that one.
I think/hope a side effect of this will be to change my perception of myself from being a victim (and sending out signals to future potential abusers) to being my own 'hero' (for want of a better word). There is no knight in shining armour coming to take us away from all this so we have to be our own kick-ass Amazonian super women!

Also totally agree with what last time round says!

I am just putting this out there to get an idea of other people's thoughts on this. I wonder if i'm right, or if i'm the problem.

I am 28 and have never had a good relationship with my mother - it has always been difficult and strained. My Father left when I was very young and my mother brought me and my elder brother up on her own. My brother is 3 years older. I have always grown up knowing that my brother was the 'favourite' - my mother has made things clear throughout the years in the way she treats him compared to how she has treated me. He is the golden child and can do no wrong in her eyes. I felt my whole life that the two of them ganged up on me and at times made me feel alienated and excluded.
I have a much older half sister who lives abroad and always have done. My relationship with her has never been a close one due to the age difference and I saw her very little when I was growing up and see her rarely now. When she did visit, she and my mother would spend hours talking after I had gone to bed. Mostly talking about me and my mother would bitch about me throughout the entire conversation. I heard every word of these conversations due to our small house and thin walls. She would tell my sister stories of things I had done wrong, but they would be things I had done when I was a much younger teenager and these conversations occurred when I was much older and in my 20s. She told the stories as though the event had only happened that week, not when i was 14, etc.
Now I am much older (I have moved out and now live alone) I find my mother doing the same thing with my brother. She has always bitched about me to him, but since he has been with his long term partner I have found his partner being included in this as well. Which has led to the partner getting involved in certain things and making comments to me that really have nothing to do with her, and really are not her place to say/get involved.

I just wonder what others' views of this are.

My mother has treated me dreadfully over the years and has always tried to alienate me and exclude me by talking about me to other family members. I know I have not been entirely blameless in my life, of course I have also at times been in the wrong. But is this a common thing? Sometimes I think the problem must just be me... since no one else seems to notice my mother's behaviour.

She was impossible to live with when I was at home, and would treat me like crap and then turn on the sunshine and sparkles when my brother and his partner were in company. I have made a success of my life and fully support myself on my own and have a good job. Why does she treat me like I am such a problem to her.

I confronted her about some things recently and she told me that "she has always just got on better with my brother".....

Am i the problem?

Constantly seeking happiness no of course you're not the problem! The whole situation sounds like such a miserable headfuck for you, my advice would be to extract yourself and have radio silence with your family for a while. I bet you feel a whole lot better and more calm. And also try and start some therapy to work through it all and get some clarity. Xx

Hi all, can I join this thread? Not sure how it works as there seem to be several people all telling their stories at once and I don't want to tread on anyone's toes until they've received the support and responses they came for.

I started another thread here and a couple of people suggested coming here to chat to people who can understand.

On my other thread I talk about something that my mother did that has opened up old wounds and has triggered a period of over-eating in me. It's not a massive problem by the way, it's just that I need to lose weight and when I am feeling anxious or stressed I tend to use food to console myself and end up sabotaging my own efforts. It's frustrating. It's not even about the food really, more that I am struggling with my emotional response to something she has said/done and I need to get past it.

I think I want to talk about it on here rather than on my other thread as this place seems more anonymous and less exposed than saying it on my own thread where I might be recognised.

Astrid just go ahead write what you need to

Welcome to the thread Astrid. I’ve read some of your other post and you’ve had loads of good advice there.

The books recommended at the start of this thread might help you if you haven’t looked at them already.

You said at the start that your mother isn’t toxic. Actually it sounds like she is. I’d say, when deciding what your mother is like, don’t look at what she SAYS to you and other people about what her life has been like. That’s just a smokescreen (to herself as well as to others). Look at what she does and how she behaves and that will tell you what she’s really like. It’s hard, because you’ve had a lifetime of believing/wanting to believe her version of herself.

Apart from the ‘find a perfect man’ stuff my M is v similar in that her needs always came (still come) first, although she made it look like she was a saint. It sucks doesn’t it. I’m really sorry you are going through this.

I'm just going to offload the few bits of crap that are swilling about inside me from narcissistic f's visit. It remarkable how little gem affects me now. But few niggles I need to spew out. He didn't ask a single question (except whether severely LD dd meltdown a lot. She had a short one before bed one evening.) He knows nothing about me or about my h. He asks nothing. And continues to hold forth to me on the area of my expertise. I was so reminded of about 15 years ago earn I was writing up my PhD thesis. Snd topic was in the news and he lectured me about it and I was so frustrated at not being able tk get a word on edgeways. That was the day I understood I'd spring my whole life scrambling up the educational ladder thinking that one day if I was good enough he'd actually talk to me. And realising that would never happen because it's not about me and it never was.
Anyway final straw was son of family friend is completing his thesis in my fs field. My f has basically visited in order to tell these friends he's visited somehow they are the council of people he needs to impress. Anyway my f can recite thesis title, organising body where paper was presented. This guy is like my parents adopted son (we are all girls). Guess I needed to be a boy and a medic to be worthy. That still hurts a bug this morning. Otherwise I'm just glad visit is over.
One last more wierd thing. Hearing from on phone to his gf. My m died a link tkmf ago. I was struck by how much he sounds like he's talking to his secretary. No warmth no intimacy in tone. God how I used to hate bring spoken you like I'm staff. Poor woman. She'd given him a list of things shed like. She'd asked for a 100ml of a perfume. My f says with this nasty undertone 'but I only got her 50 ml' . Like HD ghinkz I'd approve he's keeping her in her place. I just thought how mean and controlling

Anyway sorry for this I need to write this crap out over my system and I don't deen wing it in my notebooks at home.

Lasttime...Blimey. I don't envy his gf! Glad it's over for you
3 weeks since I saw or spoke to mum. Feels odd. But not bad.
Ds2 poorly again....and still on antibiotics. Sigh.

Yes poor woman. My f runs his relationships like a fiefdom. Her choice to engage, my choice not to.

Astrid- on the overeating I find it helpful to just try to stop and realise no one controls me anymore. I'm not dependent anymore. I'm not a child. I'm OK. I think that once I've let all that sink in if I still want to binge cos it's what I want then I can binge as I want.

Constantlyseeking - they are mean. Find people who like you. Spend more time with ghe and a lot lot less with people who bully you. My sisters often gang up on me. When my m was dying it got so bad I couldn't get a sentence out without triple thinking it. Because they'd automatically pounce on it and pull it apart. Mimicking me etc.
Getting away from that snd realising I'm actually fine really helped. I'm not perfect but this endless 'you think you're so [clever, special, better than us]' also infected my relationships either everyone else as I was so self conscious. Worrying if I used a longer word people would think I'm up myself or a snob. So strychnine away from them as much as you can and cultivate relationships with people who aren't hurtful and enjoy you as you.

Gosh Astrid- you've just helped me realise that my overeating and binging is my rebellious child telling the adult to f off and the reason I can't stop is I need the child to win. So when I reoccupy my adult position that's when I can stop because then it's no longer about my parents winning it's just about me and what I want. I don't know if you've heard about this but there's a whole strand of counselling/ therapy that's about working out your child and adult facets and which one you're in when relating to others.

Morning
Heard through the grapevine mum has been ill (she has copd) so I popped in to see her
Nothing
Nada
Like it never happened 😁😁
Ah well
My brother popped in too and gave me a tour of the new house
I think if I keep things light and superficial with them all it'll be fine
Sad, but fine

Hello everyone.
I hope you don't mind me posting, I don't want to take attention away from anyone else's issues.
I know you all know how I feel and thats strangely comforting.
I've been reading this thread since the beginning of the year and it helped me get the courage up to address my bottled up feelings from childhood.
I'm currently addressing issues with my Dad because I don't have a relationship with him so I guess I've got nothing to lose.
I'm avoiding opening the can of worms that is my relationship with my mum because she's hurt me so badly.
My Dad was very authoritarian and cold towards me when I was growing up. I was the scapegoat and he was incredibly strict. He was different with my 2 brothers, I assume because they're male.
I grew up honestly believing that he hated me. I hid when he came home from work.
When I was 15 I found out my Mum was having an affair. I was conflicted because I didn't feel like I could talk to my Dad about it. I knew for a long time, all through my GCSEs. I eventually told my brother who told my Dad. Mum denied it and said I'd made it up. Dad took her side. I was ostracised. I was only 16. My Dad and I had a huge argument that has been alluded to by other family members because Dad was so cruel towards me but I must've blocked it out because I can only remember that day up until that argument.

So, i didn't have a relationship with my Dad until I got married and had kids. Then he started coming to see the baby and helping me out. I always felt awkward around him because we don't know each other and I couldnt get past his treatment of me when I was younger. I didnt trust that he wasnt the same person underneath. He also constantly rewrote history, saying things like ‘we were always close’ and telling stories of what I was like as a baby. It was so disingenuous it made me feel sick. But I brushed it off for an easy life.
He became less and less reliable as time went on, he has barely seen ds2. He forgot my ds2 2nd birthday this summer and it was the final straw.
I wrote him a letter explaining my feelings and inviting him for an honest conversation. I just asked that he would acknowledge his behaviour and be more consistent in my kids lives.
He replied with a huge apology, saying please let me explain etc etc. I was dubious as at one point in the message he said ‘I'm sorry that you feel that way’. But I arranged to meet and talk. We met in a neutral place so I could leave if I needed to.
As soon as I sat down he said ‘lets talk about the letter, it must've been so hard to write such a vindictive, spiteful, mean, nasty, selfish thing’. He was aggressive with his body language and tried to intimidate me. He had obviously planned that opening sentence because he used a gentle tone to start with to make me feel as ease, then when he got to the barrage of insults he leant towards me and practically spat them in my face. He then got the letter out of his pocket and proceeded to go through it and counter the points I'd made. He didn't get far because i didn't allow him to continue. I stopped the conversation and asked if he was going to continue like this for the whole meeting and when he yes I said i wasn't happy to continue and asked him not to contact me again. I moved a way away and phoned my husband as I was upset. I went to walk outside and Dad appeared from around the corner and blocked my way. He then started saying ‘why didnt you remind me about ds2 birthday?’ trying to turn the whole thing on me. He was still being aggressive so I tried to walk away but he put his arm across the corridor to the wall so I was trapped. I then told him that if he didnt let me passed I would scream and he considered it for a few seconds then decided I meant it and let me go. I told him to never contact me again.
I had a voicemail from him today (2 months later) bascially telling me that its his turn to put his points across. Hes sent me messages telling me how stressed he was at the time (when I was a teen) and how badly mum treated him. I've tried to explain that doesnt justify his behaviour but he is unable to look at the situation from my pov. Its all about him and how he was the victim. Theres no thought about how my brothers and I felt at that time. He expects me to just absorb all of the hurt and betrayl I felt so that he can feel better.
I know he's selfish and I know I've done the right thing. I couldnt sacrifice my own mental health any longer so that he can feel no guilt.
But that doesnt make me want a Dad any less. I'm so jealous of people who have supportive parents.
I have a lovely husband, I'm close to my brothers and I have supportive friends but I crave a proper Mum and Dad. It makes me feel like a little girl again.
I'm sorry about the longest of all the long posts but I wanted to explain the situation a little. Although this is the tip of the iceberg really.
Will I be able to get over not having loving supporting parents? I'm always the one who stands up for me and my brothers and I just wish I had a supportive parental figure to stand up for me. I feel alone and unloved.
I'm not sure why I've written this. I just feel lost sometimes and I wonder what the point is of battling this.

wererabbit. I'm so sorry. It's very hard. Please don't feel alone when you have such a loving Family of Choice in your DH,children and friends . You are obviously a loving - and loved - person.

And as for the long post, well you've written very well - and getting it out is therapeutic