On holiday with dh, kids and my parents!! Help!!

[woosey35]

Arghhh so the perfect scenario for me has just backfired!!
We are on holiday in France. (Dh, myself and 2 Dd's aged 11 and 8). We invited my parents too. We have two motorhomes and planned an adventure. The lead up to this has been nothing but excitement!
Dh is a really difficult character. He's highly stressed with with and works really hard with his business, providing for us fabulously. I'm so grateful for this. My youngest dd has serious health needs.
I thought dh's moods and aggression recently were down to work stress. He constantly puts me down and everything that goes wrong is my fault. He tuts if I do anything less than perfectly, even down to making a cuppa or opening a window!! (Seriously!!)
Anyway..as I said we are now in France and his strive for perfection and annoyance that I can't meet this is still evident. He's causing so much tension. My parents have been great, helped loads with the kids and been a support for me no end. But this big black cloud still remains - dh!! I'm finding his moods embarrassing in front of my parents!! He even sat with his back to us all yesterday to eat breakfast, literally turned his chair round!!
How do people get through holidays without wanting to throttle their dh?!

How wonderful! It's so good to hear you say that!

You can do it! If not for yourself, for the kids! All of those thoughts in your head telling you you can't do it, you wouldn't make it, you couldn't support the children, it's too hard for you, and on and on - those are HIS WORDS in your head, the result of the years and years of him telling you you're not good enough. But YOU ARE good enough, and you CAN do it. He is full of shit, right to the brim!!

Just remember, keep your plans to yourself (totally hidden from him) until it's time. This is SO important!

You don't want him to get advance notice and talk you out of it, because he WILL NOT CHANGE no matter what he says when faced with the possibility of losing his stress ball. He may turn on the charm for a couple weeks, but he will go right back to his rotten self soon enough, and then he'll become even worse for having found out he could lose you.

And you most definitely don't want him to find ways to prevent you from going through with it or give him time to hide assets to fuck you and the kids over down the road.

Don't let on that anything is amiss. Don't change your outward behaviour toward him at all if you can help it. Don't talk about this to mutual friends or anyone you think might ever let slip. Keep it between you and your most trusted personal support network.

Do ALL of the footwork while he is out of the house. Dig and snoop and find all of the paperwork you can - it's your home/money too, and don't forget that. Take photos and get copies of all financial and asset documents. Keep a meticulous diary of his abuses, and keep it well hidden.

Read the other threads on this site. They're overflowing with wonderful advice, from people who have been exactly where you are and come out the other side doing great. Don't be afraid to ask questions, even if you think they're stupid questions (they're not - that's his opinion, not ours). MN can and will help you. We're here for you!

So glad you're feeling stronger and positive. Lots of luck

How does he get on with your parents? Is he making any effort to be slightly less of a bastard in their presence? I mean, they've clearly noticed his moods, but I just wondered whether he speaks to you in the manner he did in your camper van last night in front of them.

Sending massive hugs

stay positive focus on YOU and the DS's and get your finances in place to leave... on your terms and timetable x

Oh, OP. Good luck x
So glad you have taken a step forward.
Take another tiny one tomorrow...and another the day after that...and the next...your new journey has begun.

OP, it's good to hear you have woken with positive resolve.

I think you said he has senior manager/director post with large corporate - so he will likely have personal contract for pay, pension, bonus & stock options. It may that he holds much of this online as few organisations of size give routine printed payslips. Take note of his employee id & National Insurance number from company correspondence.

If you can take copies of his annual P60 tax certificates & any tax returns he has submitted. Also note his tax codes - gives you a rough idea of his income(s).

At his level of income & management, he will have taken financial advice to optimise his income & investments, & minimise his tax liability. So odds are, he has used tax efficient financial vehicles which use his pre-tax income. There may be more dosh than you think. If he works for a straight up corporate, he will have paid tax or taken out legitimate tax free options. One test is to look at much of his income is put into tax efficient vehicles in your name (assuming you married).

If you have limited time to rummage whilst he is out, go for printed tax records.

Keep any printed copies - take a solicitor's advice about what really matters - in a safe place away from home. Scan them as well if possible.

Keep diary - write to yourself everyday: what did/did not happen, what did you do, how did you & DC react/feel. Really upset? video yourself as you tell your story. Tell yourself about the three good things that happened that day to finish your diary entry of that day. If possible, email the diary entry to yourself in a separate NEW email account not connected with your household broadband etc. Do not open the entries - they are date/time stamped as potential evidence if things get really dirty or nasty. Use this account to correspond with solicitors.

Did you mention his PA was friendly & helpful? Do not rely upon this at all, at any stage whatsoever. She is paid by the organisation to support him & any deviation from that compromises her employment. Keep to usual banter & neutral information. Any change in her behaviour will tip him off. I found this out the hard way!

Hope this helps.

Thank you all. The signal isn't great where we are in France now (we moved location a couple days ago). I've thought of nothing else the last few days..the future and what I want. I don't work and I feel that's a real concern if walking away. Plus we are paying to put my son through uni currently too. You all make it all sound so easy. Just finding out about money/tax etc seems daunting right now.
I guess once home I can take it a step at al time.
Yesterday was a good day. The day before was absolutely awful!! I'd woken so positive but ended up sobbing in the evening as we went for a stroll and he quietly whispered over and over how I didn't do things his way and he thought I was plotting things with my son etc!! (Won't bore you with the details but most definitely hadn't been..far from it actually!) no matter how much I promised I hadn't, he told me I had. So I showed him my phone and the text I'd sent my son which was in no way plotting, he went silent for a while and then told me, spitting through his teeth, that I was causing an argument and making him angry!! I was sooo confused. I'd done absolutely nothing!! Like I said, he woke yesterday in a good mood and all was well again!!
I never know which way things will turn out. I hate confrontation!!

Why did you show him your phone? Because he has accused you of doing things to make him angry and you were desperate to prove yourself innocent. Remember " coercion and control" ? You don't need to prove anything to him. I know it's easy for me to say because I haven't been ground down with this for years but I would truly have said " you're talking crap" and kept on walking.

Oh my god, op. Your last post sounds so awful. How dare he behave like towards you?

I really feel for you, but surely you must see that his behaviour isn't normal?
Does he have any mental health issues?

Please get yourself away from him. Take one day at a time, and start to put things in place once you get back home. I am also starting the process of splitting up (although in different circumstances from yours) and so far I have done the following: taken details of his salary, rental income from properties, and household expenses (I am hoping to stay in the family home), etc., and seen a solicitor to get some idea of what I would get from a split and the best way to proceed.

You can do this. Take it slowly, get legal advice, and stay strong.

The good cycle is when he feels secure knowing that he has you under his control, demonstrated by you stressing over the phone.

When he feels you may be defiant or gaining support or strength the bad cycle will start again.

It's not rational.

Finances will be sorted by solicitors and court if needed.It just helps solicitors if you know earnings and incomes so they can start to work out your entitlement.

I left my high earning ex, he has been awful and stopped financial support however I know I will survive and ultimately a judge will award a fair settlement.

It is scary because it's unknown but once you see a solicitor your levels of reassurance will go up.
As main carer you will get access to money to house the children.Its the children's needs that are put first.That is likely to include your son at Uni.

I'm sorry, OP, but he sounds dangerous to me.

woosey how did things go yesterday? Hope you had a better time.

OP for you. I've been in your situation and I can feel your desperation. However I finally left 17 years ago and I can honestly say it was THE best thing I ever did in my life. Keep going...

Now that you are aware of how irrational and controlling his behaviour is, you won't ever be able to unlearn it op That doesn't mean you will be ready to leave him immediately, but talking from experience, it will mean that you become unwilling to be treated as you have been by him. If not already recommended please get a copy of 'why does he do that?' By Lundy Bancroft. Someone on mn mentioned it and it honestly changed my life, the fog lifted and helped me to see things for what they were.

Woosey, I hope today is OK for you. The past few days have been a roller coaster ride for you, your DC & your parents. Not the holiday you had planned, but possibly an experience that will bring forth the transformation you & your family need.

Out of curiosity I read your previous posts about yr H's enthusiasm to swing with work colleagues - WTF, quite literally ! - & was struck by how desperate, demoralising & demeaning his attitudes & behaviours are. A desperation to control & assert his potency which will become harder, faster & meaner as the months & years roll on. Also, I am concerned that he sees plots, insults, threats & failings at many a turn, & that this indicates a deep disturbance or possible onset of a serious mental or neurological illness. You need to have him at a distance for you & your DCs' physical & emotional wellbeing.

I say this not to excuse or account for his behaviours at all but to point out that his 'true demons' may not yet be clear.

So, it is time for you to gather your resources & move on to a better life for you & your DCs. You need to be apart - psychologically, emotionally, physically, financially & legally.

Hi

Those previous posts are definitely not from me. Maybe someone else has a similar name?? These are one of my first posts made on mn. Don't want you thinking that's me.
Gottachamgethename: I will deffo get that book yes. Thank you. Sounds great.

As one of you have said, it's been a learning curve and I most surely feel now that I've actually opened my eyes to it, that I will react and process this in a different, stronger way. It's still killing me inside yet I feel oddly stronger that I can see it for what it is.

Thank you so much you lovely lot

Woosey35, a relief to find out you don't have the swingey stuff to deal with on top of everything else.

Note to AuntieSelf to doublecheck the detail on a hot MN lead .

My comments about yr H's attitudes & behaviours stand.