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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

On holiday with dh, kids and my parents!! Help!!

192 replies

woosey35 · 17/08/2017 08:38

Arghhh so the perfect scenario for me has just backfired!!
We are on holiday in France. (Dh, myself and 2 Dd's aged 11 and 8). We invited my parents too. We have two motorhomes and planned an adventure. The lead up to this has been nothing but excitement!
Dh is a really difficult character. He's highly stressed with with and works really hard with his business, providing for us fabulously. I'm so grateful for this. My youngest dd has serious health needs.
I thought dh's moods and aggression recently were down to work stress. He constantly puts me down and everything that goes wrong is my fault. He tuts if I do anything less than perfectly, even down to making a cuppa or opening a window!! (Seriously!!)
Anyway..as I said we are now in France and his strive for perfection and annoyance that I can't meet this is still evident. He's causing so much tension. My parents have been great, helped loads with the kids and been a support for me no end. But this big black cloud still remains - dh!! I'm finding his moods embarrassing in front of my parents!! He even sat with his back to us all yesterday to eat breakfast, literally turned his chair round!!
How do people get through holidays without wanting to throttle their dh?!

OP posts:
Mumof41987 · 17/08/2017 09:07

Have you spoke to him ? You really need to . Tell him straight that his behaviour is rude and embarrassing . Tell him he is ruining everyone's holiday ! You must talk to him

MrsJayy · 17/08/2017 09:07

Your little girl is telling you she is noticing her fathers abuse please listen to her you are conditioned to his behaviour and are mortified your parents are seeing it. If it was me I would pack you and the dc into your parents motorhome and head home and leave the bastard.

MazDazzle · 17/08/2017 09:08

His behaviour is completely unacceptable. You can't go on like this.

My DH was the same. Just like your DH, he chose how to behave and who he kicked off in front of. If he was charming a prospective client he'd swallow his pride, grit his teeth and be polite. Aren't his loved ones worth the same respect? How dare he think that he can vent all his worldly rage towards his family.

The amount of money he earns or the success he achieves at work does not give him a free licence to treat his family like shit.

It took a life changing experience, CBT and counselling to change my DH. He is a new man! I went for counselling too and I'm much more assertive now. I call him out if there's even a hint of sulking/aggression.

You and your children deserve more than this.

ShatnersWig · 17/08/2017 09:09

Hillfarmer I've found in real life sometimes you need to be very blunt and upfront to get through to people who've been conditioned by their partner to think what they are living through it normal and to really make it hit home what they've allowed to happen. But it does astonish me when people do this to themselves and then their children.

Mum Please read the full thread. This is NOT about a holiday grumpiness. Far from it. It's way beyond that stage.

PhuntSox · 17/08/2017 09:09

I think you need to wait this out so you can see a solicitor when you get home without alerting him. Get your ducks in a row. Especially as there is a business. There will be other nicer holidays without him, and you now have the advantage that your parents will really understand!

Original poster
woosey35 · 17/08/2017 09:10

I meant I CANT support them

OP posts:
christmaswreaths · 17/08/2017 09:10

Just to say that being a director of a multi million pounds business is nothing to do with it - just in case he uses this as an excuse.

I am in a similar position and so is Dh - together we have 4 children with no help and hugely stressful jobs. We don't behave like that.

Fitzsimmons · 17/08/2017 09:11

He is emotionally abusing you. It is not healthy for your children and you risk damaging their mental health if you stay with him. Please, for the sake of your kids, do not stay with this man.

Read your posts back and pretend it's a friend who has written them. What would you tell your friend to do?

MaisieDotes · 17/08/2017 09:14

OP this isn't normal, and it isn't ok.

Flowers
MrsJayy · 17/08/2017 09:16

You can support them because they deserve a happy mum not an on edge mum who is saying yes dear to placate an arrogant abusive man. I understand your dc will have a very comfortable life and you don't want that taken away from them, butyour husband is abusing you and his children.

Flybye · 17/08/2017 09:16

He'd have to support you if you left. And tbh you'd find a way is it really worth your dc growing up and thinking this abuse is normal? Your dd already sees its not.

ShatnersWig · 17/08/2017 09:16

Yes, you can support them. He's the director of a multi-million company. You're entitled to significant financial support for you and your children when you divorce. I'm sure your parents will help you emotionally in the meantime.

Imagine in 20 years' time your daughter being in your position. Would you be happy for her? No, you wouldn't. So put a stop to it.

TroelsLovesSquinkies · 17/08/2017 09:19

Oh so sorry OP he sounds really horrible. Even your child has noticed he puts you on edge just by being present.

Fintress · 17/08/2017 09:19

My little girl told me yesterday "mummy, sometimes I think you're not being yourself when daddy is around..it's like you're pretending to be happy to make him happy..and you always tell us to be true to ourselves and honest"!!

That should be a wakeup call. You can do it on your own with your children. You said he's director of a multi-million business, he will have to provide for you.

Domestic abuse takes more than one form. Be strong for your children and yourself.

Hillfarmer · 17/08/2017 09:19

Why not OP? You have the advantage of money - do you not know it is half yours if your split up? You are married. You are an SAHM to your dds. Get a solicitor to tell you what you are entitled to.

He has to support your kids in proportion to his income. And if you need extra support for your unwell dc, then you buy it in.

You are probably shocked at what people are telling you. But you know in your heart what we and your daughter are telling you is true. Rather than have a conversation with him, have a private chat with your parents. They may well be horrified at his treatment of you, and given the opportunity will waste no time in pledging their support in helping you leave him.

Wishing you strength. Do it for your daughters.

MrsJayy · 17/08/2017 09:20

Btw in no way am I blaming you in any of this it is not you it is him.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 17/08/2017 09:20

That's how he gets his way in business and home.
Ahh, so he's a bully. And do you want to spend your life like this? And as pp have said its a shocking role model for your kids. What do your parents say? Id pack him off, then sack him off, sorry op, he's a twat.

ScarlettDarling · 17/08/2017 09:22

Op, this sounds like a miserable existence and you know his behaviour isn't acceptable....so stop accepting it. My dh can be a right grumpy git at times but he is never aggressive. When he's being grumpy we tell him and he apologises and goes out to the gym or something and sorts himself out. No one is perfect, no relationship is perfect, but your dh's behaviour sounds unbearable. Have your parents commented on how he behaves?

As for what you do next...Well, you need to stop financial worries being a reason to not split, you could support your children if you split. He's their father, he has a good income, he pays for his children. I couldn't live with someone so bad tempered, aggressive and selfish. How does he treat your children? I think you need to have a big talk and basically tell him he gets some help to sort himself out or you'll be leaving.

C0untDucku1a · 17/08/2017 09:22

He is abusive. He Isnt a perfect gent at all, he pretends he is when he is rewarding your what he sees as acceptable behaviour to condition you.

He will still have to support his children when henleaves. Probably spousal too.

Of you cant see that just yet, suggest he seems so very stressed right now he might prefer to get a flight home and enjoy the peace and quiet ofntr empty family home???

Changerofname987654321 · 17/08/2017 09:22

Abusers aren't abusive 100% of the time.

The best for your children is a safe and loving home free from abuse.

Please contact Women's Aid and see a good solicitor.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/08/2017 09:22

You and he should no longer be together; the nice and nasty cycle of abuse he metes out is a continuous one.

He is financially responsible also for his children and you could come away from this with a good financial settlement. You will need decent legal advice and a Solicitor well versed in the ways of manipulative and abusive men.

Such a man is not going to make it at all easy for you to leave him but the price being paid by you all now is too high. Your children are already noticing his abuses of you and seeing the mixed messages you send. They cannot afford to learn such damaging lessons about relationships and they won't thank you for staying with him.

YouRat · 17/08/2017 09:24

OP.
Imo you should sit him down and tell him what he's doing is totally unacceptable but you have to very very firm. No need for an argument but a real good telling off. You deserve to be treated with respect.
After that it's your choice. It's easy for people on here to say leave. It's not their life. But I do agree that what he's doing is horrible. Maybe see a councillor when you get back.

Cailleach666 · 17/08/2017 09:26

Sounds like you put up with a lot for the money.

Not a deal I would be happy with.

ShatnersWig · 17/08/2017 09:27

YouRat FFS. An abused wife should give a bully "a real telling off"? I'm sure a simple chiding will cause him to change his ways. What world are you living in?

PovertyJetset · 17/08/2017 09:27

You're a married? You'll get half. Good child support and shared custody. You could get a nanny to help you with your DD and you have your parents.

He's a nasty prick and it must be so shameful to have to deal with that infront of your parents. I bet they want to give him a smack.

He's not rude. He's an emotional abuser. It's gone beyond rude.

I would get my dad to drive him to the nearest transport link and tell him to piss off. I would also empty the bank account too.