On holiday with dh, kids and my parents!! Help!!

[woosey35]

Arghhh so the perfect scenario for me has just backfired!!
We are on holiday in France. (Dh, myself and 2 Dd's aged 11 and 8). We invited my parents too. We have two motorhomes and planned an adventure. The lead up to this has been nothing but excitement!
Dh is a really difficult character. He's highly stressed with with and works really hard with his business, providing for us fabulously. I'm so grateful for this. My youngest dd has serious health needs.
I thought dh's moods and aggression recently were down to work stress. He constantly puts me down and everything that goes wrong is my fault. He tuts if I do anything less than perfectly, even down to making a cuppa or opening a window!! (Seriously!!)
Anyway..as I said we are now in France and his strive for perfection and annoyance that I can't meet this is still evident. He's causing so much tension. My parents have been great, helped loads with the kids and been a support for me no end. But this big black cloud still remains - dh!! I'm finding his moods embarrassing in front of my parents!! He even sat with his back to us all yesterday to eat breakfast, literally turned his chair round!!
How do people get through holidays without wanting to throttle their dh?!

You butter his toast blimey take heed of your mum leave him he sounds just an awful man is his money really worth it ?

What do you get out of this relationship now, what is keeping you within this?.

His so called lovely charming side is an act held just long enough to draw you back in again. This is actually part of the nice/nasty cycle of abuse.

The only person this individual cares about is his own self. Emotionally healthy people as well do not act like this.

I have to look at you in this as well; why are you such a walkover to this man?. Did you behave similarly in any previous relationship?. He has conditioned you over the years to have you running around after him like a serf. Your children are being profoundly affected by this and it will not get better for them either.

You have your parents on side here; use their support in order to leave too before he does destroy you and take you down with him completely.

My ex used to shut me down every time I voiced an opinion that didn't appease his ears. Everything had to be his way or he'd throw all his toys out the pram. I actually used to look forward to his petulant sulks as at least then I would have up to three weeks of the silent treatment.

You can't reason with the unreasonable - you can leave them to it!

Life is far too short to be treated like the lowest of the low - imagine waking up free from his mood swings/nasty comments/sulks etc - imagine a life being able to speak your mind and not be frighted of being punished for doing so?

Your family have now seen with their own eyes - you aren't alone in your struggle now

OP, it's brilliant that your parents recognise what is happening and that you need to get out. Doesn't matter why or for how long your H has been like this. Doesn't matter that he had a temper as a child....that has NOTHING to do with why he is abusing you now. He may have found that bullying worked for him...well, fine... he is now bullying you and it seems he has done this for years.

YOU have not made him like this, it's not your fault that he his like this.... you have not caused this by buttering his toast. He has controlled to such an extent that you are now fully trained. You HAVE to get out of this. He belittled and dismisses you. He treats you with contempt OP, he has no respect for you. You do not deserve to be treated like this. No one does.

It may take a while to realise just how immersed you are in an abusive relationship. Make no mistake, YOU ARE in an abusive relationship. You may have feeling of guilt about leaving him, but you must prioritise yourself and your dds. He holds you on contempt. He treats you as if he hates you. He treats you as his enemy. Forget the vanishing charm moments. He is your enemy. You have to regard him as such.

Get home. Get your mum to research a shit hot solicitor - one hat has experience dealing with extreme and abusive men - and go see them. Do it in secret as soon as you can.

I would advise you don't give him an ultimatum about his behaviour, that will get you nowhere. See a family solicitor, take it step by step, gather what you need so that you are well prepared and ready to get rid of this man. He is awful.

You have enabled his behavior - stop doing everything for him. He's an adult and abusing you.

Keep telling him that his behavior is not acceptable and don't let him walk all over you.

Don't let him ruin your holiday. Make plans with your parents and DC's for some nice days. He can sort himself out.

I would surreptitiously press record on my phone next time he starts up on berating you. Then, when he denies speaking to you in that way and says you're imagining it, replay it. Ask him if he'd be happy for his work colleagues to hear it.

You prioritised ironing his shirt over your hospitalised dd?

You must see how utterly fucked up that is.

He is not a baby. I would stop treating him as one. Also tell him that you're not happy with his tutting. You aren't dependant on him. You own half of everything.I would stop being grateful, it is very hard work to look after a sickly child.
Ask him if he is depressed, he should go to the doctor.But tell him that it is not normal to be constantly angry.

I would be suspecting an affair I'm afraid. Walking on eggshells all the time is an awful feeling and I think you would be far happier out of this relationship than in it. Do you think he would try and hide his money if you asked for a divorce?

You love him? You love a man who screams at you? You love a man who tells you off? You love a man who does nothing for you? What is it about him you actually love?

Do you get something out of being treated like this?

Sorry, but I can't understand how you can think you love someone who treats you this way. Who behaves like a complete arsehole in front of your children and in front of your parents. Why do you want to be married to someone who behaves this way?

Tell him to go home. If he refuses, then tell him you are going home.

Why can't you tell him he's spoiling everybody's holiday? If he reminds you how much money he makes, and how he's paying for everything - tell him it's only a couple of bloody caravans for gods sake, surely he could do better than that for you all.

He sounds totally inadequate in every way.

Firstly this is not normal.

Also most abusive men are also charming.

LTB. You could support your family - go and see a solicitor the second you get home. You will basically be entitled to half of everything and ongoing financial support - you are in a far better position than most.

Would you want your daughter to be with a man like this. If not then leave - she can already see the pattern of abuse.

Good luck OP he sounds like a world class arsehole, tell him to fuck off to the far side of fuck then fuck of some more, what a cunt.

OP I was married to someone like this. He was a Mr Nice Guy and very charming but only as long as everything went his way. Usually turned on the charm for other people as well.

But behind closed doors he was bossy, sulky (oh god the sulking), prone to going silent for days - either that or he went on rages where everything was my fault. I was treading on egg shells most of the time, and like you used to wish that his 'nicer side' would prevail. He had me hooked really - if I behaved (did as I was told and kept the peace) then everything was ok. If I ever voiced an opinion he didn't like, or if something didn't quite go well with his day, then my day would be to shit too. It was a rollercoaster and exhausting. There were good times, but during those I was always wary when the next bad time would arrive,......

Been divorced for 4 years now, on my own with our DS, much quieter and calmer life.

Good luck

His lovely, charming side would probably considered 'normal'for the majority of others. The problem is, you've normalised his shitty behaviour for so long that when he does act in a normal way, you think he's being lovely and charming! He should be like this for the majority of the time!

I really don't think it's an affair. I've suspected in the past but actually I'm good friends with his PA (who would totally not be up for an affair lol) and she says he's a knob at work too. She's resigned twice and put down his verbal aggression and temper as her reason. He always got her back to work tho with his charm!! Anyway..I can account for his whereabouts almost constantly.
I've never ever looked at his behaviour like I am now since starting this thread!! This morn he has stayed in bed til 11:30 (it's an hour ahead here) and then gone for a shower. No feelings for anyone else who got up early as usual for their holiday!!
Selfish arse!

So.... what are you actually going to DO, OP?

This is one of the saddest threads I have ever read on here.

OP you are getting NOTHING from this relationship except financial support. How sad that your 8 year old daughter would say that to you.

How sad that a family holiday you have all been looking forward to is being ruined for you, your children and your parents who I am sure are miserable to see their daughter.

Please consider leaving him. He must support you financially. For the rest you can cope on your own, That is what you are doing at the moment anyway. Ironing his shirts and buttering his toast at all hours of the morning is like slave labour. He is a disgusting human being who has no respect for you by speaking to you so horribly.

The holiday is a red herring! It sounds like you have much bigger problems than him just being a total cock on holiday.

Your choice OP but I couldn't live like this. What must this be doing to your self esteem? Your mental health?

OP you have so much going for you. Get the hell out of there

I don't usually comment on these threads as there are so many posters who are much wiser than I am, but dear god OP he sounds dreadful. Hopefully you can see that you could have a much calmer, happier life away from him? You would get a financial settlement on divorce, and you have the support of your parents too. It really sounds like you'd be better off if you left him.

good job your parents came with you to the holiday, see him and support you about his behaviour.

I agree that this is a sad thread too, OP please wake up, it sounds as though you would have a lot of support around you if you were to leave. You've said it yourself he does NOTHING for you, you're basically his servant. Make a plan and leave for a happier life.

If you have two motorhomes then you take your children and bunk up in one motorhome with your parents - drive off somewhere else. Or home.

leave the fucker on his own

You need to leave him quickly. This is no life for you or your children. Being a director of a multi million pound company does not excuse his behaviour. Nothing does.

Please listen to your mum and your eight year old DD. He is abusive. No job is so stressful it gives a person license to be abusive to their partner.

He's a cunt, not a word I use lightly but he is a massive one.

I hope you gather the strength to begin to see a life without him get rid of him.