On holiday with dh, kids and my parents!! Help!!

[woosey35]

Arghhh so the perfect scenario for me has just backfired!!
We are on holiday in France. (Dh, myself and 2 Dd's aged 11 and 8). We invited my parents too. We have two motorhomes and planned an adventure. The lead up to this has been nothing but excitement!
Dh is a really difficult character. He's highly stressed with with and works really hard with his business, providing for us fabulously. I'm so grateful for this. My youngest dd has serious health needs.
I thought dh's moods and aggression recently were down to work stress. He constantly puts me down and everything that goes wrong is my fault. He tuts if I do anything less than perfectly, even down to making a cuppa or opening a window!! (Seriously!!)
Anyway..as I said we are now in France and his strive for perfection and annoyance that I can't meet this is still evident. He's causing so much tension. My parents have been great, helped loads with the kids and been a support for me no end. But this big black cloud still remains - dh!! I'm finding his moods embarrassing in front of my parents!! He even sat with his back to us all yesterday to eat breakfast, literally turned his chair round!!
How do people get through holidays without wanting to throttle their dh?!

OP. How your other half is treating you and your family sounds almost identical to how my ex was.

He was very successful and everyone thinks he is a charming, confident and nice guy. But the money, lifestyle, private schooling for kids and long term security was not worth compromising our mental health, self-esteem, health and safety over.

I put up with it for too long and now regret waiting so long to take action and leave. I had counselling (OH refused to go but was fine with me going as he believed it was me who had all the problems anyway). It was such a relief when the counsellor confirmed coercive control.
Through research, I found out my ex is a narcissistic sociopath and I had to get away from his toxicity. He was slowly wrecking all of our lives.
This gave me the strength to get my 'ducks in a row' and plot my escape with the children. This sounds callous but I'm glad I did it.

Luckily, I pre-empted everything I thought he might do to try and stop me from leaving and divorcing him.

I was right to do this because he fought really dirty. There was no limit to the unbelievably nasty things he tried to do to destroy me.

I handed everything over to the professionals and stopped all contact with him. I'm much poorer now and it has been a massive adjustment, but we are so much happier.

You will never win with this person or get the compromises you need. You also can't change someone.
You deserve better.
Use the support you have and get help.

Please please stop with the 'I Love Him' crap! You may want to love him, the 'nice' him, but that is NOT him!

You may be dependent on him, used to him, want him to love you, but you CANNOT love someone who treats you like a worthless piece of shit. Who has no respect for you (or anyone) and who is so awful even his 8yo daughter sees it.

Once you get out from his abuse, you will see what a vile person he is.

And of course it may not do him any harm whatsoever to find out that some people DO NOT have to put up with his vileness.

Offwejollywellgo - wow you've done incredibly. You must feel so proud.

Thank you all so much. I really didn't know it was so bad. I know some of you don't understand that mindset but it's been gradual. No, I've never been in an abusive relationship before. Also my parents are happily married and very affectionate together. My dh is affectionate..but again on his terms. If we fall out, I try and hug him as I need to feel loved. He responds with "I will hug you when I want to, not when you decide!"

He treats you with total lack of respect. You are so fortunate to have your parents for support, and it is good that they can now see with their own eyes the type of life you lead. I'm sorry that your self esteem has been eroded by this man, but you can recover and you must realise you deserve so much better. As far as the financial issues go, as many have said previously, if you are married then you will get a very good settlement to take care of you and the children. You do realise that you are condoning his behaviour at present - can you really live the rest of your life on that basis, just because he is a high earner? If you really don't want to leave him, then at the very least you need to challenge him the next time he treats you so poorly and tell him that you are not prepared to be treated in such a manner.

What are your holidays usually like?!

You've put up with it for so long, just a little bit more and you will be home and free. Get through the holiday, then when you get home discreetly gather up as much information about the financials as you can and see a solicitor.

Keep it all very quiet. I've no doubt he will be spiteful and do his best to make it very difficult for you, so keep the cards close to your chest and get all your ducks in a row first before you let him know what's going on.

The reason men like this behave this way is because women tolerate it.

This isn't exclusive to the OP. If all victims of abuse stood firm, these men would be all alone, just as they should be.

It starts with knowing that you are worth more and your children deserve better.

Listen to your mum. She's got your husband sussed.

sandy if only it was as easy as standing firm

@Boredboredboredboredbored
I agree!!! He's an abusive prick AND expects you to SWING with his work colleagues!! Next you'll be saying he forces you into BDSM!! Leave him.

There is not one thing about this man that is loveable.

Don't sit down with him for a 'chat', wait till you get home and get yourself round to a solicitor. Don't discuss it with him until you've got copies of all the paperwork and bank statements.

Then file for divorce.

Oh OP, this is such a sad thread. You have to know - and have to teach your children - that this relationship is NOT how a healthy relationship goes. Look at your parents - they know its not right and they have already said they are there for you and the kids if needed.

Your OH sounds awful, abusive (despite moments of charm and loving steps)and manipulative and he's making you constantly walk on eggshells and do things simply to appease him. He may have been wonderful in the early days but certainly isnt nowadays.

Please, please seek some help when back in the UK. Women's aid or a solicitor (borrow cash from your parents) to find out your rights and get yourself ready to leave and know that you and your children deserve so, so much better.

Woosey35.

Please. please, please don't wait for this situation to escalate.

It is a constant and gradual erosion of your self-esteem and it is really not about love but one persons control over another.
Please look up:
-coercive control
-personality disorders
-Sociopaths
-Stonewalling
-Gaslighting
-Passive aggressive
-Withholding affection as control

Big red flags are waving about all you have said so far.

It happens in such a subtle way and over such a long time that you are astounded to find out that you are indeed, being abused.

I am a degree educated, professional woman. I was with him for 20 years. I am not a pushover. I was shocked to find out that he was abusing me from not long after we married. I never considered myself a victim. Not even for one moment. I lived a extremely privileged life and he never laid a hand on me, although he could be threatening in so many other ways.(See above list).
I always stood up to my ex and called him out on his behaviour. I gave him plenty of ultimatums and we separated, several times. But it didn't stop him. He charmed his way back. I was touched when he cried on my shoulder and swore things would get better. He said he couldn't bear life without us. Things went on ok for a while, but he gradually went back to his old ways and got worse. His refusal to even consider my feelings was alien to me.

I was stunned that what I had thought were loving, caring gestures on his part actually turned out to be classic controlling tactics.

Once I had all the information from researching coercive control I wrote down all the ways he had wronged me and all the ways I had wronged him. I could instantly see that his behaviour was very different from how healthy couples treat each other.
It was all about control..

Please don't beat yourself up about how 'soft' you are or how much you really want your marriage to work. Of course you do.

It is a devastating blow when you allow yourself to realise that this person will never love you the way you love him, or that your hopes and dreams of a happy future will never happen with this man.

Like your own child, my little one also noticed the atmosphere and commented over and over again that he "didn't like daddy!"
I can't tell you how bad this made me feel. Something inside me died after that. It was affecting my children more than I had ever imagined.
That was it for me. We were over.

I'm here if you need help. Or just someplace safe to put your thoughts and feelings. I get it.

Op you need to leave him. And the sooner the better.

Please please please make appointments with a couple of solicitors asap. Get your dps to look after the dc for a while and make some calls whilst you're still away for as soon as you're back.

Trouble is maybe I've orchestrated this situation in that I've always done everything for him so he's never had reason to do it for me. I just sooooo wish that his lovely charming loving side was a constant

This sentence is VERY worrying, I absolutely cant believe your blaming yourself for his moods, just shows how conditioned you are. You also say that he had a reputation as a child so clearly its not you.

Please seek help, if only for your kids. Your kids are nearly teenagers who don't know how to cope with situations like this and it often festers and turns to anger - just like Daddys. It wont be long before they start blaming themselves for his anger.

Please make steps towards leaving him
He's abusive and setting a horrible example for your children
Ltb

Op stop this now.
Look into the future, your parents are not around, your Dc's left home and you are stuck with him, retired being unpleasant 24/7, because that and work are the only things that motivate him.
your Dc's won't visit because he has gotten worse as he's got older and they will spend time with their in-laws rather than visit.
You will regret every day of your miserable existence.
Op stop this now.

MrsJ

You're right. I just get so angry on behalf of abuse victims, because I know when you stand up to them, they stop.

I encounter bullies at work and they love having people scared of them. The minute someone refuses to tolerate it, they leave them alone and move on to others.

I get embarrassed if my DH is a bit antisocial and on his phone when we have company, so I can't imagine how I'd continue in the marriage if he behaved like the OP's husband.

Oh, OP... I'm so sorry. Every word you say about him makes this look worse.

But you NEED to get your kids away from him!

I'm sure he can be sweet - on his terms - but everything else IS ABUSE and not only are you suffering unjustly, your children are learning his behaviours.

You MUST leave.

Please, please, please think about it. We're begging you. And WE CAN HELP YOU.

I very rarely comment on threads OP but I'm just horrified by his behaviour and what he is doing to you and your family. Please set in motion leaving him for your sake and that of your DD. Your parents will support you.

he can't just be his nice self. That's not who he is, the nice side is just an act. He's a horrible, mean, nasty man.
He made you iron his shirt when your baby needed you in the hospital!

He has a stressful job. I have a stressful, high earning job. I still manage to care for my mother and not be a complete arse hole all the time to people I love. Sometimes it makes me snappy or I'm tired yes. I'm not emotionally abusive to anyone tho, rubbish excuse, total horse shit.

Being the high earner with a stressful job doesn't allow him to be a knob ! Start making plans

I've just tried standing up to him. We all went back to our motorhomes. I settled the kids. He'd been a dick again this evening, so I thought I'd be honest. I said he'd been a dick and I felt he wasn't thinking of my feelings and that all I wanted was him to respect me. His reply "oh here we fucking go!" So I didn't crumble (altho inside I was!). I said that all I wanted was to say I felt lonely and that I felt he put himself way above me. He turned his back on me. So I said that I just wanted to be held and loved and that didn't cost a penny. He told me I didn't deserve it for speaking to him the way I had. I told him that as emotional control and I would eventually grow some balls!! His reply "fucking shut up"!! I didn't reply.
He's now asleep!!