On holiday with dh, kids and my parents!! Help!!

[woosey35]

Arghhh so the perfect scenario for me has just backfired!!
We are on holiday in France. (Dh, myself and 2 Dd's aged 11 and 8). We invited my parents too. We have two motorhomes and planned an adventure. The lead up to this has been nothing but excitement!
Dh is a really difficult character. He's highly stressed with with and works really hard with his business, providing for us fabulously. I'm so grateful for this. My youngest dd has serious health needs.
I thought dh's moods and aggression recently were down to work stress. He constantly puts me down and everything that goes wrong is my fault. He tuts if I do anything less than perfectly, even down to making a cuppa or opening a window!! (Seriously!!)
Anyway..as I said we are now in France and his strive for perfection and annoyance that I can't meet this is still evident. He's causing so much tension. My parents have been great, helped loads with the kids and been a support for me no end. But this big black cloud still remains - dh!! I'm finding his moods embarrassing in front of my parents!! He even sat with his back to us all yesterday to eat breakfast, literally turned his chair round!!
How do people get through holidays without wanting to throttle their dh?!

Oh and stupidly throughout that 'conversation' I told him that I loved him very much and wanted us to be close etc. Wtf did I do that for?! Cos I love him and so desperately need to feel like I'm respected and needed 😢😢

Hi OP
I haven't read the whole thread but your husband sounds like an abusive shithead & it sounds like you'd be so much better off & happier without him, as would your kids.
Walking on eggshells all the time is not the way forward.

So now you know. He can't be reasoned with. He clearly doesn't give a shit what you say/feel/want. Please get yourself out of there.

and they sleep so easily I cant understand that.

OP.. you gentle approach gave your DH the upper hand before you had finished your first sentence.. by simpering and pandering to him.. he dismissed you like an annoying child clinging to his ankles..

tell him to GTF and mean it

I don't know how old your kids are but have you thought about what they are learning from seeing him behave like this?

He has some men issues. Truly revolting behaviour. He looks and talks down at you. Please keep growing balls and stop telling him about love etc. He can FO himself with such attitude. I don't think he deserves a family.

Just feel so lonely :(

So what are you going to do OP? Your poor children are witness to this. It can't continue.

Do your parents live close by? Can you move in with them? They know what he's like now. They want to support you.

There is no loneliness like being in a relationship with someone who withholds affection and uses it as a weapon.

You would be lonely at times too if you LTB (and I think you should). But it wouldn't be because the person you love is freezing you out and treating you like crap.

You are literally waiting for crumbs of affection when he feels like it. Horrible man.

You need to choose between forever loneliness and emptiness with your DH and temporary loneliness while you leave your DH and set up a new fulfilled life. It might take a few years but you'll get there

A year ago I was on holiday with ex who was like your H.I came home tried to talk to him and when I realised it was hopeless I saw a solicitor.

As others say, get your ducks in line before hand and prepare for him to fight dirty BUT his behaviour has absolutely confirmed it was the right thing to do.

Most of my family had been unaware and thought it was a case of poor communication in a marriage as he appeared so charming however his behaviour since separation has proven how vindictive and abusive he is.

I know why you are struggling, the abuse develops slowly and could at first be stress but over a period of time you realise it's now a pattern of behaviour.

I stood up to ex but it made no difference, he used every tactic to get his way.The only effective strategy was to walk away at any stage he was abusive but that's not always possible .like on holiday in a shared space.

We had such a good life, our children were thriving and it made no sense but abuse isn't rational or reasoned.
My ex went to counselling but his lack of insight or guilt meant it never changed him.It just confirmed his victim status.

Sadly you are not dealing with a "nomal" man, he has issues which are deeply entrenched possibly nature as well as nurture but entitlement plays a big part.As my ex's salary increased he became more abusive not through stress but a sense of power.

Read books on the subject as you will realise you are not alone and didnt cause this.I found Lundy book and Patricia Evans books really useful.
I feel sad I ended up in an abusive relationship, my lovely dc didnt deserve it but the best thing I did was walk away.

No one will judge you and thankfully we live in an age where women can leave abusive men.You are not weak and have more strength than you realise...your H knows it too which is why he tries to put you down.

I think you need to find your anger. Forget the "I just want to be loved" bit - all that's going to do is annoy him even more.

He is not going to give you what you want or need. He just isn't. Tonight's speech made that very clear. So, as others have said, get your act together and make plans to leave, or rather, to throw him out if you can.

This guy sounds more unpleasant than almost anyone I've read about on here, and there's been some competition. Please leave, before he crushes you even further.

This is not the first time you have tried to sort this out, is it?
You've probably tried hundreds of times and never get the reaction you desperately want.
This man cannot look you in the eye when he speaks to you.
He cannot even be civil to you when you are pleading with him and pouring your feelings out.

How much longer can you cope? What will it take for you to leave?

You can be on your own. You have been doing it all on your own anyway. In time and your children will adjust and your confidence will grow. You will get over the loss and thrive without him. The constant tight ball you have in your stomach will gradually ease and you will realise just how stressful and dysfunctional your life was. You will reinvent yourself and be much happier.

The court will decide your share of things. A judge will force him to pay you your fair share. Court value your role as a mother and may credit you with spousal support too. You will probably be comfortably well off.

He won't be allowed to manipulate solicitors. They have specialists who know how to deal with controlling and abusive men. No one will expect you to have to confront him or sort it out yourself once they know there has been abuse.

Quietly copy and collate all the paperwork to do with all the family assets and income.
Try to protect as much money and possessions as you can.
Make sure you have enough to get you through, as he will almost certainly try to hide money, devalue everything, delay, discredit and take you down.

Go to a solicitor and do not be afraid to tell them everything. There is a lot of help for you out there, but you do have to let them know just how badly he has behaved.
Stop trying to deal with this on your own. Leave and brake all contact with him. Only deal with him through professionals.
Believe me, he won't think twice about dragging you and your children to hell and back again.
Take away his control.

Sorry about spelling mistakes. I hope you understand what I meant.

GOOD ON YOU for standing up the way you did.

FUCK HIM for talking such bollocks. Oh yeah, you don't deserve to be loved because you told him the truth.

That's textbook abuse. That's isolating you, wearing away at you self esteem until you believe the bullshit he says like you're not good enough and nobody else would ever have you. And then to just roll over and fall asleep after! He may well be a sociopath if he can sleep after hurting somebody that way as if there is nothing wrong.

You know what you need to do, OP. Please please at least start planning for it in your own mind.

Your parents fully support you, you will have them to help, you will come away nicely in any settlement, AND you will get yourself and your children away from this horrible man.

Please, OP, please just tell us that you are at least considering leaving. Just considering!

Oh, and look at previous threads for advice on just what to do. "It's not my necklace" and the "is he having an affair" series are two great examples of how to handle moving forward with divorce while keeping the advantage. This place is an invaluable resource for what to do, how to find the services you need, how to act, and most of all how to cope.

It's very important that you DO NOT want him to know that you're planning it. Keep your cards very close to your chest, go on as normally as you can manage, and don't let him figure it out. That way he has no time to hide money or assets (or anything else) from you and your children before they're gone through for mediation.

You seem to view this man as some sort of hero and try so hard to please him regardless of how he treats you. He isn't a rich, charming prince helping you through life. Wake up and see him for what he is, inadequate. You havent done any thing wrong, but you don't need to. He probably enjoys seeing you beg him for affection. The reality is that you want something he can't give you- love, kindness and affection.

He can't give your children what they need either, as you don't mention the old ' but he's a great dad' chestnut. Your mum and dad have seen through him, your daughter has seen through him- they know he makes you very unhappy.

Stop doing everything for this spoilt, nasty man and believe in yourself. You need to be the hero, if not for yourself then for your children.

I would decide to leave him soon as that would give me the inner strength to enjoy my holiday with my family regardless of his behaviour. Then when I got home, I would carefully plan how to remove him from as much of his money as possible so that I could flourish in a life free of such a vile individual!

OP, the way you 'stood up to him' wasn't actually 'standing up to him'. You in fact put yourself in a very weak position and gave him the green light to completely disrespect you once again. What you should have been saying to him is - when we get home its time to discuss the future as Im no longer going to be living like this.

I can well imagine how lonely you are, Ive been there, but I can tell you this that being on my own at 60 after ending my lifelong marriage 4 years ago means Im no longer lonely, not even if I was on my own on top of a mountain in the wilderness.

Op-would you allow yourself to be spoken to like that by anyone else? And yet your h-the person that should love and support you the most does it on a regular basis.Its not normal and it's not ok. Please save yourself from years of this (and your kids from seeing it as they get older which they will) and at least think about getting away.
Your posts have made ME feel sad and exhausted so I can only imagine how miserable it must be for you... please be kid to yourself and realise that you deserve much much better.

I echo previous posters. Get you financial ducks in a row and look to split up with him. Take every single penny that you are legally entitled to. You are not screwing him over, gold digging etc (wait for these chestnuts), why wouldn't he want you to have your legal share?

Sadly a life with this man will mean a life of always feeling alone. Without him you can fill your life with friendships and you will feel less alone!

Your parents did not raise their daughter to be spoken to and treated like this. You don't want your children growing up thinking this is how women are treated.

Trust me it's lonelier being with the wrong person than actually physically being on your own. You'll feel better single, honestly.
The way he spoke to you when you tried to sort things says it all, it's beyond saving, he's beyond saving. I'm sorry

This is such sad reading. Ask your mum and dad for help for when you get home. You CAN support your children without him. Look past the material things... do you want to have a lack of affection and loneliness for the rest of your life?

Can you, for just one minute try to imagine a life that is not dominated by thoughts about him - why he's so nasty, what you can do to make him love you, what have you done wrong this time to piss him off. Can you imagine looking forward to a nice evening, without worrying in what mood your partner will be? An evening or holiday you know will be nice and pleasant with your children, maybe parents and friends, without this black cloud hanging over everbody.

You're married, he's wealthy. Get legal advice before you do anything, and you will be just fine. But without an abuser.