On holiday with dh, kids and my parents!! Help!!

[woosey35]

Arghhh so the perfect scenario for me has just backfired!!
We are on holiday in France. (Dh, myself and 2 Dd's aged 11 and 8). We invited my parents too. We have two motorhomes and planned an adventure. The lead up to this has been nothing but excitement!
Dh is a really difficult character. He's highly stressed with with and works really hard with his business, providing for us fabulously. I'm so grateful for this. My youngest dd has serious health needs.
I thought dh's moods and aggression recently were down to work stress. He constantly puts me down and everything that goes wrong is my fault. He tuts if I do anything less than perfectly, even down to making a cuppa or opening a window!! (Seriously!!)
Anyway..as I said we are now in France and his strive for perfection and annoyance that I can't meet this is still evident. He's causing so much tension. My parents have been great, helped loads with the kids and been a support for me no end. But this big black cloud still remains - dh!! I'm finding his moods embarrassing in front of my parents!! He even sat with his back to us all yesterday to eat breakfast, literally turned his chair round!!
How do people get through holidays without wanting to throttle their dh?!

Op
I posted hothead. Similar situation, now divorced.

Ok, going to be brutal here.
Is there a tiny element of martyrdom here? Be honest. I can be honest with myself now and seethat when ex was behaving like a shit, I too used to say I "just wanted to be loved and held" etc. It was a bit Florence nightingale to be honest. A bit matryish. I used to leave the argument feeling very "woe me, I'm treated so badly".

When I stayed to really stand up for myself it felt so liberating. And it really was the beginning of the end.

Please don't spend any more time trying to talk it through with him.
He doesn't value you in any way other than to control you.
It will get you nada!

Look up 'The Abuser Profiles' on here.

Confide in someone you know that will support you but not judge. Ask them to help you or go along with you to see a solicitor. If you don't have anyone, then look to a counsellor, or organisation that helps abused people.

Work on yourself. turn your energy away from him and apply it inwardly and to the children. Find strength to fight this. Get clued up about coercive control. Find out your legal rights. Try to build your confidence. Be as kind to yourself as you are to others. Prioritise looking after yourself. Separate your personality from his. You are an individual. His values are not yours. Start to separate yourself from him in your head. Learn how to 'be you' again and let him 'be him'.Get a good support network. You are more resilient than you think.

Do as much as secretly as you can to try and protect your assets for your future and your children.
Then, when you have all the backup you need... leave.

I can't stress how important it is to have NO direct contact after you separate. Try to get everything in writing. Texts, emails etc.

He will try every trick in the book against you.

Good luck x

I'm a walk over.

Be a walkover no more.

Of course he can be lovely and such a gent. Nobody would stay with abusers if they were horrible all the time. They keep this nice side dangling in front of you like a carrot - so you imagine that if you were just a little bit nicer and behaved better, they could be nice like that all the time.

It's an ACT. They really are horrible and only pretend to be nice sometimes. You cannot do anything to make him be nice all the time, because it's not who he is.

If you won't leave for yourself, do it for your children. Your daughter has already realised you walk on eggshells around daddy, soon they will start doing the same. Do you really want your kids growing up tempering their personalities so as not to make him cross, and thinking that is normal?

Is this the example you want to set for your daughter?

A conversation is each person having their say - not one person shutting the other down or being verbally abusive - he treats you like shit because he can!

He doesn't value you as a person. He doesn't view you as an equal in the marriage. He isn't interested nor bothered in anything you have to say...

You want to be HELD by that?

Well, at least you are starting to see through it now.

You don't love him- you are his hostage, and have convinced yourself he's not an appalling abusive man because it makes you feel safer.

Sorry.

Life doesn't need to be like this. He doesn't love you if he treats you with such contempt.

You need to open up to someone in RL and start making plans.

You are being abused and your children are watching it happen.

Come on OP start kicking.

Why do you allow him to treat you like a slave ? Why did you leave your ill daughter to iron his shirt ?
Is it because he has made you rich ?
Would you take this from a man on minimum wage ?
Genuine question

Let this holiday pass. Don't confront him and let it slide. When you get home get your ducks in a row. He has a business so get all the financial information you need to know where you stand. Start putting money aside outside of your marriage because people like your DH will most probably have money hidden from you.

I used to wonder how I would cope with my 3 children if I left.

I don't know what I was worried about, we are off to Spain soon.

You will cope op. It will be much better than living like you are now that's for sure.

Actually, you haven't mentioned this, but how much access do you have to your finances? Joint accounts, his earnings, savings?

sounds familiar? www.telegraph.co.uk/women/life/coercive-control-how-can-you-tell-whether-your-partner-is-emotio/

OP, I am shaking reading your posts. Your husband sounds like my bastard dad. The examples you gave of your h's behaviour resonate so strongly with me and bring back horrific, jolting memories of my childhood.

I'm 40 now and happily married with my own kids. Behind me though are years of torment, continued abuse, self harm, drugs, alcohol, low self esteem, anger. I also have no relationship with my mum. I hate her for not standing up to my dad and making me and my brothers walk on eggshells. We spent our childhoods in fear of saying or doing the wrong thing.

Years later, we are all still all battling our demons. Me; crippling anxiety and night terrors. My older brother; drug addict, younger brother; depression. I could go on but you get the gist.

Ten years of therapy and rehab brought me some peace and allowed me to understand and experience a normal ( not perfect!) relationship.

The bastard is long dead now thank God. Just last night though, I dreamt he was in my bedroom, his booming, scary voice shouting, angry at me for not rinsing the dishes before drying them. I woke up screaming.

Don't do this to your kids.

Sorry my paragraphs didn't work for some reason.

Could you just leave him in the campervan and you and the kids bunk down in your parent's van. You could move sites? Buy the two man pop up tent from Decathalon for your son?

Over time you have become totally squashed by this man. It has been happening for so long you didn't even realise it was happening, you probably only looked at small bits of the picture and made excuses for him, blamed yourself, said when he's nice, he is very nice.

Now you need to take a step back and look at the whole picture here. What you have here is not a loving, equal partnership. Your children can see it it. Your parents can see it. You need to allow yourself t see it, and start taking the steps needed to get out of this suffocating, abusive relationship.

The good thing is that your parents have seen it at first hand and are right there to support you and help you. Grab hold of that!

Your children and family are aware of it, you are now aware of it, you need to find the strength to go and be happy

how are you today OP

He sounds like an idiot, and it must be mortifying for you to have this happen in front of your parents, let alone what the children must be thinking.

Just read the full thread, and agree with what everyone else has written.

Your parents sound fab and a great support.

I too felt very lonely before pulling together the courage and plans to leave. (Left almost 3 years ago, having managed to find a small temporary flat to rent for me and kids. Left with Women's Aid advice, while he was in USA on business trip.)

The next 2 yrs or so were very difficult , as he furiously denied any problems existed, pulled in numerous friends and acquaintances to take his side, and battled against absolutely every step of the divorce.

We are there now though, and the feeling of relief, independence and freedom is amazing. I am still single, don't feel ready to meet someone new yet, but I definitely don't feel lonely.

I can understand you wanting his love and affection. In my marriage I desperately wanted his approval. But when something like that is handed out sometimes, but then stubbornly withheld when it is needed, it really messes with your head. Try to distance yourself from that bit if you can.

Your parents sound fab. I was really embarrassed to let my parents see how bad things were, but they were fantastic to, and I would have struggled to get through the last 3 years without them.

Op you can support your children moneys not everything your most important issue here is your children's well being there's lots of support out there for you and ur children please seek it

Thank you all so much.
I have woken stronger today and will get my ducks in a row once back from France. I will start looking at finances etc too. I've decided to try boost my own ego..loose weight, carry on getting fit (which I've started to by running) etc. Once I'm strong, I know I can sort it. I'm so grateful to you all here. I've looked up coercive control and shocked my the similarities. I will continue to research and start making a plan once home.

THANK YOU XX

Ps. Sometimes you just need to write it down to actually SEE how things are