I lost my closest friend to my husband (no affair involved!)

[revolution909]

Basically my closest friend and my DH have become so close that it's impossible to rant about him with her as she feels she's right in the middle. I also realised she clearly has more friends than me (she used to claim she didn't) and basically have felt like a bit of a loser the past few days. I actually have no more friends than her and that realisation makes me want to cry. I work full time from home.. so that makes things a lot more difficult. I've tried with the mums from school and we just don't click. i think my best bet is joining my local running club as I spent most of my free time running. But yes in a nutshell I'm kind of sad I've lost her to my husband! I was happier with her being primarily my friend and that she was just "friendly" with DH.

@sunfloweras they don't text at all. All of their interactions for the most part have been in person. It might just be that she's changed or her opinion of me has changed, I don't know. But she's definitely more distant, her husband isn't (if anything the opposite) so I reckon it's not something they've talked about or a joint thing so to speak.

I think you would find your PMDD would improve greatly, if you weren't with himself

Sorry, had not RTFT. I can see now that this is mostly about your relationship with him. It does sound as though he is cutting you off. His behaviour is extremely controlling. Sorry if I missed this question: has it gotten worse since you lost all the weight?

After reading the thread revolution it seems as though your dh's relationship with your df isn't really the issue. I do not believe for a second that just because they are friends they are automatically going to have an affair. Most of my friends are male.

Congratulations on losing that amount of weight. You must feel (and look) amazing. Do not accept any blame for your choice of clothing on holiday!

Having just rt whole t, it seems clear that both he is very threatened by your weight loss and new self. He is obese. Your friend is very jealous too and it is their bond, but they can't say so because it would be ridiculous so they make it about their anxiety.

He sounds really awful, can you really face all those issues for years on end? Demanding sex, sulking, wanting you to eat breakfast (and be fat too), saying other men have "boners" (dear lord)?

Jump ship now. Enjoy the rest of your life with a decent loving normal man. You only fet one life. Go home to your family, your dd can see him in the hols.

After all, you didn't choose him from a positive place in the beginning, it was an accident. Accept it and move on.

You saved the day? And then he deflated you? I don't think that's a coincidence. I think he wanted to put you in your place. I think he wanted to make you look bad in front of the other couple.

NannyOggsKnickers no, not really. Yeah he's more jealous, and a bit like with my friend I can see why. If there's this other guy who has a growing friendship with my wife, I would probably feel jealous too. I always treat it when I see them as "going out" so I always try to look my best. Over time that has changed to weekends in general, but my husband has made a point of this too in that past

TrailingWife he actually had no idea of what happened. He disappeared for a good chunk of time because he needed the toilet. That only added to the "confused" state.

Hullygully we've bonded over the years and I do love him, so it's not as simple as that. I agree that maybe they may have bonded over "veiled" jealousy, especially during the holiday. But I'm only starting to think that because she's become very distant.

She's become distant because she's threatened by your weight loss too. Dull, but obvious.

It's all very unhealthy.

Hullygully I know I sound like my husband , and I'm on "one of those days" so my thoughts aren't completely straight but I think she might have been pissed off about my general behaviour. I maybe came across as self absorbed and many other things. Also for someone who's always been jealous and thought that her husband was "out of her league" I can see why her attitude has shifted from me being completely harmless to being a threat. my relationship with her husband changed as well, it went from friendly but awkward to friendly and warm.

Thinking about situation I've been in, where I've become friends with friends partner. Basically I've got to know him over the years and would class him as a friend also, and I have reacted same way as your friend now.
When my friend complains about him now, I'm less inclined to wholeheartedly agree.
I still see my loyalties with her but sometimes I disagree with what she is saying about him. This is just because my relationship with my partner is different and I don't feel same way / wouldn't be angry about same things. Maybe she is just being polite and reserved (very British trait) and doesn't want to be honest with you in case she offends you.

In the past before I knew her partner I would have taken her side 100% but now I know him I see his side too.
I get why you would be upset about this, but I don't think she means it personally or is any less loyal to you, it's just how things develop. And there is absolutely no affair with my friends partner, and never will be.

I'm sorry I can't comment on the rest of the thread, but this was my take from your original point.

Hi OP, please please think about what the pps are saying about your mental health in relation to your DH, because from what you've written here it really seems like your DH makes your condition worse.

Something else to ponder- your friends DH who you are seeing in a new context after this Holiday - could this be because he is a nice person who treats people nicely?!

I'm not being glib here, I could genuinely be that you've forgotten how people can actually get on and be nice!

Time to re evaluate your relationship OP- you do realise that you deserve to be treated nicely don't you?

@HattiesBackpack I'm completely aware he makes it worse. I've said the same to him.

Her husband is genuinely a nice guy... but he also knows how to keep his cool even when his wife is shouting at him or when things were kind of awkward between us all.

Oddly enough my husband recognizes my friend doesn't treat her husband that nicely...

And yes I deserve to be treated nicely, I'm really ware of that and working on it :)

And yes I deserve to be treated nicely, I'm really ware of that and working on it

How is being treated nicely by your husband something you can work on?

By standing my ground and making it clear I'm not the one to blame

But why should you have to stand your ground and refuse to be blamed. Why is he doing these things?

But you can stand your ground and make it clear you're not to blame all you like, that won't change how he chooses to treat you.

It won't make any difference.

Way back in the thread, I suggested you read "Why does he do that." You said that you started reading it, but that it made you feel bad because you've abused him too. But nothing that you've done in over 2 years has been abusive to him. Instead, he bullies you until you are hysterical and then holds your wrists while screaming, "hit me, hit me."

To me, it seems that part of what he is doing is convincing you that you deserve the abuse because you are abusive, too. But it isn't true. All you did was try to find the hotel room. You aren't abusive, you are just trying to get through life.

I think that this is really, really important. I think that until you realize how hard you are working on your self and your marriage that it will be difficult for you see the full measure of what he has done. When you do realize it, it may be very difficult for you. He is so inside your head that he has convinced you that you are a very different kind of person than you actually are.

I honestly think that your situation is very precarious: he is sexually abusive, he is emotional abusive, he is very manipulative, he has you totally isolated. And grabbing your wrists is physical. I think that at some point you may need to take your children and flee for your and their safety.

I've never felt at risk for my safety. Yes, he's grumpy to our daughter, he takes it out on both of us.

But he's finally recognizing he's at fault. He never did in the past and at least now he gets it. And there are small changes here and there. When I started being a competitive runner he just didn't get WHY I was doing it. He even suggested that I was doing it to impress my friend's husband. He told me not to join a running club because I was going to leave him etc.

Well I'm running this weekend and originally he was not going to come because he just didn't see the point, but in the end he came and a were making a weekend out of it. To me that's positive change.

And for the first time I feel like I'm in sort of control.

I think the problem here is not your friend but your husband. I very very rarely feel the need to rant about my husband to anyone and my friends are similarly loyal about their husbands, we chat about stuff, not bitch about our husbands apart from some mild micky taking. You rant about your husband because you don't feel an equal in the relationship and don't communicate properly with him and tell him when you're pissed off, you save it for your friend who no longer wants to hear it.
Friends are for having fun with not dumping your negative stuff on. OK sometimes have a moan, but not always.
Start telling him when you're pissed off rather than saving it for your friend.

2rebecca the point of that was that both used to koan about them (for different reasons and in equal measure) but at some point it became one sided.

Good luck with the running this weekend. I hope he is genuinely pleased and engaged with what you are doing, and it does not spark another attempt to get you back in your place at some point afterwards. Time will tell. Clearly you are more forgiving of everything you describe than I would be, but it is a case of wise discernment - you do not need to accept it, and hopefully this thread has helped clarify where the fault lines lie.

I think with your friend there are two things - your complaints go way beyond day to day irritations into abuse; your DH has co-opted the friendship to undermine the support there.

There is a difference between controlling and reacting.

From what I have read here - your DH knows exactly how to push your buttons in a very covert way to get you to react. He has subtly made you responsible for his anxiety and keeps you off balance by constantly changing the goalposts or never being satisfied/happy.

Please realise that once you are reacting and are operating in fight/flight you become much easier to control, and are far more likely to become compliant as you increasingly blame yourself for reacting. this kind of covert abuse is insidious because it effectively turns you against yourself. You end up questioning your own behaviour and making adjustments believing it will help (it won't) and in the process you start crushing your own soul.

Please go for therapy ALONE and get one which specialises in abusive relationships. You need support. And keeping posting here.

Well she doesn't know everything I've written here. I usually just tell her how his works stress is sometimes out of control, but I don't think I've ever made a point of that ways he "hurts" me. I told her he got pissy about the shades and that's it. I'm struggling today with my moods today and it's very hard to know who's being unreasonable.

But who wouldn't struggle with their mood trying to remain equanimous in the face of the kind of behaviour you have been describing? You would need to switch off every emotion you have.

Even if the behaviour stops or gets better, you still need to process the hurt and anger that it all happened.