I lost my closest friend to my husband (no affair involved!)

[revolution909]

Basically my closest friend and my DH have become so close that it's impossible to rant about him with her as she feels she's right in the middle. I also realised she clearly has more friends than me (she used to claim she didn't) and basically have felt like a bit of a loser the past few days. I actually have no more friends than her and that realisation makes me want to cry. I work full time from home.. so that makes things a lot more difficult. I've tried with the mums from school and we just don't click. i think my best bet is joining my local running club as I spent most of my free time running. But yes in a nutshell I'm kind of sad I've lost her to my husband! I was happier with her being primarily my friend and that she was just "friendly" with DH.

Good grief. This is a massive dripfeed thread. Not till the later stages did you tell us some really important issues.

But, you don't seem to have listened to a word people have said. It's like talking to a brick wall.

None of this is normal. I think you have done very serious problems.

I should have typed higher not high.. But I mean I have read every post. I've even started reading one of the suggested books. I can only see my stubbornness in that I still think the friendship is "normal".

This is all so strange.

Your attitude to everything is really skewed. You seem to think because your friend is overweight and less attractive than you that your husband would not have an affair with her. That's a silly way to think. People are attracted to other people's personalities too - it's not all about looks. (Incidentally I know someone who only had affairs with overweight people).

None of this sounds healthy. You need to cool this friendship and concentrate on improving your own life.

I've been chatting to a friend who is brutally honest, she agrees that affairs are not based on looks. I still tend to think of affairs in "sexual" terms so I guess that's where I think the looks play a huge role.

And I'm also being stubborn, because form my POV those friends improved my life, same reason why i cling to them .

Anyways I'm looking at going to group therapy for people with my same condition, that and a new job!

Erm, less attractive and overweight people have sex too, you know...

and with people who aren't their spouses.

I should know. The woman my ex husband had an affair with wasn't as attractive as me and she is about 4 stone heavier.

Means nothing.

I've been through all of his messaging apps and no evidence of the chatting there

No evidence? None at all?

He could well have a second phone. Interesting that there is no evidence of chatting if they are that close.

Nope no evidence whatsoever. No second phone and unless there's emails (which I really doubt) there's nothing!

In that case, there will be a second phone. The whole point of the second phone is that the spouse is unaware of its existence.

They are clearly communicating somehow. Even if it's just to arrange meet ups and to share feelings about self image.

Never start a thread like this on MN. You will come away thinking that every friendship is destined for an affair. I honestly don't think it is.

We have a relationship like this with another couple. I am the main breadwinner, DH does most of the childcare. My best friend (female) and my DH spend a lot of time together in the school holidays with the kids. Her DH runs, she doesn't, my DH doesn't, I do - her DH and I spend a reasonable amount of time running together and therefore chatting as we go. THERE ARE NO AFFAIRS GOING ON.

Talk to your friend about how you feel. Talk to your husband about how you feel.

I honestly doubt it, she works, he works. They just got close by hanging out when we're all together or when she comes and visits. They do get some alone time when that happens, so I'm only assuming that's how they got close. Plus, when we're all together, sometimes even when we're at the same table we have our separate conversations.

OMG @Flippetydip that more or less reflects how our relationship works! I have interests in common with her DH and she has interests in common with my DH, and that's how we've ended up with what people think it's a bit of a bizarre arrangement. No affair at all!

I don't think there's any affair going on at all, but if you continue this thread a lot of pp with previous experience of being cheated on will convince you it is happening, beware.

I could start a thread describing certain circumstances with my dp over the many years we've been together and be guaranteed to be advised to ltb and there's definitely an affair going on. I'm as sure as i can be that he has been faithful for over 20 years. It's all in the description of event taken out of context.

You do seem far too keen to keep the drama going though op. Concentrate on your rather unhealthy marriage instead and stop the paranoia about your friend. You have enough to deal with helping sort out your insecure, demanding, possibly abusive husband.

I would be very surprised if there were no conversations in between the infrequent meetings you describe. Otherwise, how would the relationship have developed to become so close.

There wouldn't be anything wrong with that.

I text my very close married male friend on an almost daily basis. But his wife knows about it. It would be strange to have a friend with whom you were that close, but didn't often speak with except for occasionally and in person.

Flippety Do your husband and you discuss fancying this other couple? Did you row on holiday because your husband thought the other man had a hard on after seeing you in a bikini? Because, if not, your friendship isn't like this.

Whether there is an affair or not, and no one knows except for your husband and this woman, the whole set up is unhealthy.

I had anther conversation with DH about the holiday.. He admitted he was moody because he was jealous. He admitted the whole boner thing was in his head. So I think that's good :) . He also admitted he needs therapy. It's all baby steps.

And i don't know I feel like this whole "unhealthy setup" is our end not theirs.

OP This is all confusing, to say the least. Do you think they are having an affair? Really, you'll know deep down.

Nope, I definitely don't think they're having an affair. I recognize there's the potential of it. I have wondered how come they're always so at ease / comfortable with each other so yeah I have wondered if they've had private conversations on text but nope. Nothing beyond a silly joke. I've had silly private text conversations with the other husband no big deal. We're all friends who are extremely comfortable with each other and maybe that's where the problem is.

Nothing beyond a silly joke. I've had silly private text conversations
Could you put that into context OP?

Blimey. I must stop following this thread.

I think they've sent memes to each other (they both like GOT) and that was a while ago. I've helped the other husband with computer stuff and then joked about it... Super innocent

It all sounds so super cool and modern so really there's no problem is there?

Is that supposed to be sarcasm??

It is sarcastic. It is, quite clearly, sarcastic.