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Original poster

Did I deserve a second chance?

140 replies

playmisty · 14/08/2017 16:52

Six months ago, pretty much on the verge of a breakdown, I confessed to my DP that I had just ended a year long affair with a work colleague.

We had been together for 10 years and this is the first time in my life I had done anything like this to anyone, let alone my lovely DP. It is inexcusable in any context but I felt very lonely, had undergone a termination that had affected me badly for two years and my Dad was and still is terminally ill in hospital - not excuses but I'm still trying to make sense of why I would do this awful thing to such a great and loving man.

He immediately left and didn't want to hear anything about my reasons which I completely understand. He has been very kind in the grand scheme of things, helping me find a place to live on my own but he does not want to salvage the relationship in any way and can't forgive me. He now has a place of his own and has already started dating.

I am so sad it has come to this and would honestly like to think that after 10 years, if the boot was on the other foot, I would know DP enough to realise that this is so out of character, not him in the slightest that I would at least give him a chance to explain or even a chance to work things through, if only on a trial basis at first.

Clearly things were not ideal when I embarked on the affair but I would give anything to turn back time and talk issues through with DP before going down this destructive route.

I guess I'm sad that I am so indispensable after 8 great years and 2 shit ones.

OP posts:
PinkHeart5911 · 14/08/2017 16:55

For me personally I'd never forgive an affair, so I wouldn't of given you a second chance.

I think you just need to move forward with your life now and stop thinking this over

flounderer · 14/08/2017 16:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gorgosparta · 14/08/2017 16:56

Going to have to say i dont think I would give you a second chance.

I cant say definitely. As no one knows what they would do, until it happens.

It was a year long affair. Not a one night stand. I think the length would be a deal breaker for me.

All the lies and deception that happened over that year would be too much. Its not just one lie. Its thousands of little ones.

Smeaton · 14/08/2017 16:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

delftblue · 14/08/2017 16:57

I'm sorry but I wouldn't give a second chance in those shoes. You've been through a lot and no one is perfect but at the same time your partner deserved a basic level of respect and a year long affair...well it's hardly a drunken one night stand.

Give yourself time to grieve, get some therapy and allow your partner to move on and find some happiness.

AdalindSchade · 14/08/2017 16:58

It's not about what you deserve it's about what your ex p wants to give you. If he doesn't want to give you a second chance then he doesn't have to. A year long affair? Very hard to forgive.

ChickenBhuna · 14/08/2017 16:58

Your DP decided that you didn't deserve a second chance and that your affair was a deal breaker. His choice and one that you should respect.

Doesn't matter what we think does it?

Gorgosparta · 14/08/2017 16:58

Also the fact that you honestly think he has been unfair, suggests you dont really realise (or want to accept) how bad your affair was or its impact.

Those reasons you give are excuses. They are excuses you are giving to justify the affair.

VestalVirgin · 14/08/2017 16:58

After ten years, don't you think your ex was hurt that you would cheat on him after all that time?

You aren't owed a second chance.

CabernetSauvignyoni · 14/08/2017 16:59

It was a year long affair.

A year.

That's not a slip up or out of character, that's 12 months of continuous and intentional deceit and betrayal.

I'm sorry that you were going through a difficult time but he doesn't owe you a thing, particularly not a second chance.

Let him move on. Take some time to sort yourself out, and then you do the same. But stop feeling sorry for yourself and how you feel 'indispensable' because it's entirely your own fault.

BadHatter · 14/08/2017 17:00

You're still thinking selfishly. You want him to forgive you and try in this relationship again.

A year long affair isn't just one single innocent mistake. It's many, many deliberate (and disrespectful to your ex) decisions made that show how little you thought of him and your relationship together. To argue otherwise I feel would be disingenuous.

Sorry to hear about your dad. Sounds tough.

I think if you ever loved your ex then you should let him be just that: an ex. He deserves a loyal partner that loves him.

TimetohittheroadJack · 14/08/2017 17:00

I couldn't forgive you either. A drunken one night stand, yes. But the though of you sneaking off and lying would be too much for me.

Fudgit · 14/08/2017 17:01

It is sad, but I don't think it's about you being dispensable. It's the breaking trust, a year long affair is an awful thing to do to a partner and while some might forgive it, plenty more wouldn't. Sorry but you have to respect his choice in this and move on, maybe think a bit more deeply about why the affair happened because even though you say there's no excuse, you are kind of making excuses rather than taking full responsibility for your own choice and you appear to be slightly minimising the seriousness of what's happened. I don't want to be harsh to someone in pain but there is no 'deserving' a second chance for something like that and you would have just been incredibly lucky if your ex had decided to do so, however long you'd been together.

Original poster
playmisty · 14/08/2017 17:01

I'm not trying to justify the affair, am just trying to say that it's not black and white.

OP posts:
SilverdaleGlen · 14/08/2017 17:01

Your excuses for doing it are pathetic. Your annoyance at him is unjustified. You don't seem to realise the impact on his ability to trust and love will be monumental.

You don't deserve a second chance and should have a good long look at yourself.

SweetLuck · 14/08/2017 17:01

You say he's 'already' dating, as if you think it's too soon. When you were dating whilst still in the relationship!

ChickenBhuna · 14/08/2017 17:02

It is black and white.

You fucked someone else for a year.

Gorgosparta · 14/08/2017 17:02

Yes it is black and white.

You cheated. For a year.

The reasons dont really matter. Your decision was to cheat and his decision was to end the relationship.

Fudgit · 14/08/2017 17:04

Agreed. It's black and white. Totally. You can't seriously suggest otherwise about something that continued for a whole year?

Original poster
playmisty · 14/08/2017 17:04

I wasn't dating, I wasn't 'fucking', I was a ghost.

OP posts:
2littlemoos · 14/08/2017 17:04

You say out of character but when it's a year along it kind of becomes part of your character in that relationship imo.

Sorry for what you have been through outside of this situation.

Even if you was given a second chance the trust is broken and more often than not it can never truly be repaired. It will always be there. You will always be in debt to him. You may even become paranoid that he has started cheating as you've opened the gates and also out of revenge.

It's rare people recover after this. Lesson learnt.

crazykitten20 · 14/08/2017 17:04

It IS black and white. You made selfish choices for a year and even now you are choosing selfish thoughts. It is all about you. Yuk.

Justmuddlingalong · 14/08/2017 17:04

You made the decision to cheat. He made the decision not to accept your treatment of him. It really is that black and white.

LEELULUMPKIN · 14/08/2017 17:05

No excuses and I admire your partner for not settling for less than each and every one of us deserves. Once that trust is broken it is broken. If your story cannot serve as an example, let it act as a warning. If you are unhappy, do the decent thing and end the relationship before shitting on 8 years.

AuntieStella · 14/08/2017 17:05

To you, maybe not.

But to him it is black and white.

What you have done is a deal-breaker for him.

And as you can see from earlier responses in this thread, it is a deal-breaker for many, many people. His reaction was surprisingly kind (helping you with new admin etc) but you need to recognise that he has ended this relationship.

You cannot turn the clock back.

You can choose to learn from this, so it shapes your future in a positive way.