Did I deserve a second chance?

[playmisty]

Six months ago, pretty much on the verge of a breakdown, I confessed to my DP that I had just ended a year long affair with a work colleague.

We had been together for 10 years and this is the first time in my life I had done anything like this to anyone, let alone my lovely DP. It is inexcusable in any context but I felt very lonely, had undergone a termination that had affected me badly for two years and my Dad was and still is terminally ill in hospital - not excuses but I'm still trying to make sense of why I would do this awful thing to such a great and loving man.

He immediately left and didn't want to hear anything about my reasons which I completely understand. He has been very kind in the grand scheme of things, helping me find a place to live on my own but he does not want to salvage the relationship in any way and can't forgive me. He now has a place of his own and has already started dating.

I am so sad it has come to this and would honestly like to think that after 10 years, if the boot was on the other foot, I would know DP enough to realise that this is so out of character, not him in the slightest that I would at least give him a chance to explain or even a chance to work things through, if only on a trial basis at first.

Clearly things were not ideal when I embarked on the affair but I would give anything to turn back time and talk issues through with DP before going down this destructive route.

I guess I'm sad that I am so indispensable after 8 great years and 2 shit ones.

It's easy to say you would forgive him when you're the one that cheated. I bet in reality, you wouldn't forgive him.

You cheated. You broke his heart. You slept with someone else for a year. Did you not stop to think he was hurting too from the termination? It wasn't just your baby you lost it was his too. He also supported you through that and your dad's illness, and numerous other things you haven't mentioned, and that's how you repay him?

And you expect us to be nice to you and for him to forgive you? Not going to happen. Learn from this and try not to break someone else's heart just because you won't talk through your problems with them.

The poster stated that she admitted the affair,not that she was found out. On this site when cheating husband's are caught,they are condemned for only being sorry they got caught/not confessing the truth. This OP appearently did what any gentleman would and brought up the issue but she's still condemned? Haven't rtft,so apologies if she was forced into confession

I wouldn't be able to forgive either I'm afraid. You lied and cheated. He deserves better. You deserve to feel sad

There's not much empathy here is there? While I agree that a year long affair is very very difficult to forgive it's not impossible. And once the OP sees that most people think she deserved to be dumped it's not nice to keep going on at her about it. I think she has had an awful lot on her plate- we have no idea what made her have a termination, it could have been some dreadful reason. Her dad is dying. Her head was most probably mashed, she should have had some counselling. She obviously feels guilt and may still be in love with her ex. Come on ladies, try and show a bit of kindness when somebody is begging for it. Read between the lines. OP please try and get some therapy. Be pleased for your ex, you hurt him a lot and he is managing to rebuild his life and he deserves to be happy- just like you do. Tell him how sorry you are for the pain you caused him and that you hope he will still meet for a coffee occasionally but you wish him well with any new relationship he embarks upon. But don't you start dating yet. You are not ready for it. Get your emotions and your life back on track. Spend as much time with your dad as you can. Grieve for him properly when he goes. And then accept that you are human, you have made an awful mistake but you have to let go of that chapter and start a new one. Get a new haircut, change your lippy colour and smile- you have learned a valuable lesson, many people who cheat never do. I would bet that you never cheat again. Good luck.

While I agree that a year long affair is very very difficult to forgive it's not impossible

It is not impossible but it isn't a right. Forgiving is up to her ex partner, not the OP. Moving forward as a couple was up to him. He opted out. You can't have an affair and continue to call the shots.

Plenty of people go through hard times. They don't respond with a year long affair.

@yorkshireyummymummy

I don't feel empathy, no. Unusual for me. But I cannot abide the 'poor iccle wiccle me' with no lateral and pragmatic thinking. Selfishness is something I find difficult to add empathy to.

It is hard to feel sympathy with this Op. Many people on here had bad times during their marriages; bereavement, caring for a sick loved one, redundancy and so on, but didn't cheat.

Frankly I really can't relate to that at all; I have felt like a ghost and alk I tried to do was survive, not find the stamina to clear, lie and sleep behind someone's back.

Maybe there is a lot more to thus, but if you had an unhappy time maybe it's good you both get a clean slate.

I have empathy for the OPs actions, but not her attitude.

I think she has had an awful lot on her plate

Many people do. They don't all go and have sex with someone else for a year behind their partners back.

In fact it isn't just the sex. There is a heck of a lot of lying, deceipt, forward planning and slyness goes into that.

I think the reason the OP is so DD is because she finally did the right thing and confessed.
If she hadn't her DP would probably have never known.
She effectively orchestrated her own downfall

Down not DD

I would have some empathy. If the OP showed of inkling of responsibility. If it wasnt all about her feelings and what she feels she deserves.

I suspect she told because guilt was hard to live with and she thought there was no way he would leave. She told him, not for him. For her. She expected him to fight for her. It didnt happen.

I have empathy for having MH problems, and the terminal illness of a parent (very close to home, I've got anxiety, agoraphobia and PTSD and my mum died of cancer in June). I know first hand how debilitating and devastating those circumstances can be, I've said I have empathy with that.

But infidelity, deceit and betrayal aren't something you can excuse. If you want someone else, leave first. That's always been my opinion and always will be. Having been cheated on in the past, it isn't something I'd be able to forgive.

Why did you start the affair? Was it that you were not getting your emotional needs met by your partner? You mention a termination? Was this something you wanted? I have a lovely DP but when my mum died he disappeared for a year. Yes we lived in the same house but he turned into a workaholic. I can honestly say it was the loneliest year of my life. Maybe you need to look more at the reasons why this happened as I think maybe there are a lot of unresolved issues. I'm not going to condemn you as I think life is sometimes not black and white.