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Original poster

Did I deserve a second chance?

140 replies

playmisty · 14/08/2017 16:52

Six months ago, pretty much on the verge of a breakdown, I confessed to my DP that I had just ended a year long affair with a work colleague.

We had been together for 10 years and this is the first time in my life I had done anything like this to anyone, let alone my lovely DP. It is inexcusable in any context but I felt very lonely, had undergone a termination that had affected me badly for two years and my Dad was and still is terminally ill in hospital - not excuses but I'm still trying to make sense of why I would do this awful thing to such a great and loving man.

He immediately left and didn't want to hear anything about my reasons which I completely understand. He has been very kind in the grand scheme of things, helping me find a place to live on my own but he does not want to salvage the relationship in any way and can't forgive me. He now has a place of his own and has already started dating.

I am so sad it has come to this and would honestly like to think that after 10 years, if the boot was on the other foot, I would know DP enough to realise that this is so out of character, not him in the slightest that I would at least give him a chance to explain or even a chance to work things through, if only on a trial basis at first.

Clearly things were not ideal when I embarked on the affair but I would give anything to turn back time and talk issues through with DP before going down this destructive route.

I guess I'm sad that I am so indispensable after 8 great years and 2 shit ones.

OP posts:
VulvalHeadMistress · 14/08/2017 17:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QueenofallIsee · 14/08/2017 17:24

I don't think you deserved a second chance, no.

I am sorry that you had such a bad time, but not everyone in your shoes carries on an affair for 12mths and your ex-partner is under no obligation to make himself unhappy regardless of how long you were together. You were still you and you should recognise your weakness and learn from it.

HostaFireAndIce · 14/08/2017 17:25

Yup, sorry, OP, it sounds like you've been through a tough time, but nobody 'deserves' a second chance - it doesn't work like that. It sounds like your DP has ended things decently and kindly, which is more than a lot of people would have managed in the circumstances.

BabychamSocialist · 14/08/2017 17:26

It's the length of time that would do it for me. A year is a long time - there has to be attraction, emotion and yes, love, in a year long affair. That, coupled with the lies and deceit would be a dealbreaker for me.

Janeismymiddlename · 14/08/2017 17:26

My ex once said 'but why didn't you fight for me?'...he seemed surprised when I said I didn't want a liar and a cheat for a husband.

Once is unfortunate. Twice is starting to be a habit. A year is 365 days of being lied to.

You played with fire, are you really surprised you got burnt?

FanwankTheAbsurd · 14/08/2017 17:26

A year?? Hell no! I would never want to see you ever again, and certainly wouldn't have helped you move out etc What you did, whatever the reasons behind it, was disgusting and unforgivable.

FuckYouLinda · 14/08/2017 17:27

A year? No, sorry. Life get shit sometimes. Most of us go though tough choices, tough moments in life, looking after ill parents. It's life. If he gave you another chance, how's he to know you won't run off again with a bit on the side the next time life gets shit for you?

Forgiving (even for a year long deception) is possible sometimes. Lots of folk do. What you can't regain though is that relationship that you had before discovery. So even if my DP was wholly remorseful, and even if I understood why he'd somehow gone off the rails, that relationship would be dust. A new relationship may be possible but I'd probably recognise that I'd be trying to snoop his phone, sniffing his clothes for perfume or wondering if he's lying when he says he's visiting his mum or going to the pub with his mates and become a fucking shell of my former self - it would not be the relationship that gave me joy and security any more. And that's the reason I wouldn't give second chances.

Angelf1sh · 14/08/2017 17:30

Nobody deserves a second chance from their partner, because nobody is entitled to their partners love.

Sometimes things can mend when they've been broken and sometimes they can't, but you've no right to expect another shot at things no matter how much you might want one.

stitchglitched · 14/08/2017 17:31

Phrase it this way instead OP. Did your partner deserve to be lied to and deceived, gaslighted and betrayed? Does he deserve to be in a relationship where there is no longer any trust and where the shadow of your behaviour will undoubtably impact upon his peace of mind and mental health?

That is what you are asking of him, because of what you think that you deserve.

SukiTheDog · 14/08/2017 17:31

An affair takes a great deal of duplicitous behaviour. Lies, planning, excuses. A double life, virtually. I couldn't forgive an affair. Probably not a one night stand either, tbh but an affair is consistent disrespect for your partner. He deserves better. You MUST learn from this and do better, next time.

CaptainHammer · 14/08/2017 17:31

No you don't deserve a second chance. Not for a year long affair, it is black and white.

eggsandwich · 14/08/2017 17:32

For me there are some things I personally couldn't forgive and my partner having an affair was one of them, even if I'd give them a second chance I would constantly worry in the back of my mind if they were cheating again so for me the relationship wouldn't be a healthy one, it doesn't help that I do tend to hold grudges.

I would say that your dp would also wonder why if you were not satisfied in the relationship and had to have not a short fling but a year long relationship with someone else, why you didn't talk to him about how unhappy you are.

All I can say is trust is key to a relationship, but once that trust is gone its time to move on, and learn from it.

Outlookmainlyfair · 14/08/2017 17:33

Nothing is ever simple, I can see why you are sad. Break ups suck no matter how they happen. What ifs and but ifs won't help you, it us time to move on. I hope you can find happiness soon.

FrancisCrawford · 14/08/2017 17:34

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ClemDanfango · 14/08/2017 17:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

yetmorecrap · 14/08/2017 17:35

well OP, I did do the second chance thing and am still umming and ahhing over which way to go and feeling like the marriage police. I too got similar reasons to the ones you gave and whilst I had some sympathy , I would rather he had talked to me than find a young girl to get over involved with. In my case he never confessed, I found out many years down the line. All I can say is , it isnt nice either living with someone who no longer 100% trusts you or has occasional outbursts, so I wouldnt romanticise it. You will probably find he is a changed person somewhat, maybe try and salvage a friendship out of it, accept its probably because he did care hugely that he cant live with that and learn from it. As I told DH--you blew it!! and clearly your partner felt the same but after 21 years I felt I had to at least give it time to get my thoughts clear.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 14/08/2017 17:36

You are totally negating his feelings.
Even if there is a glimmer of justification for your behaviour that doesn't mean your partner has to come to terms with it. Even if he understands why it happened that doesn't stop him being hurt. Even if he forgives you that doesn't mean he feels he can ever trust you again.

Where is he in the picture?
I guess I'm sad that I am so indispensable after 8 great years and 2 shit ones.
For all intents and purposes you managed to dispense with your DH for a year!

SilverySurfer · 14/08/2017 17:36

If you're looking for a pity party you won't get it on here. I could maybe forgive a drunken one night stand but would never forgive a year long affair, regardless of how many good years preceded it.

You don't sound sorry, you are just making excuses for betraying your partner.

I hope he finds someone lovely and they have a long and happy life together.

WorraLiberty · 14/08/2017 17:37

A whole year of lying, cheating, deceiving your partner?

No, of course you don't deserve a second chance.

Thankfully he's been able to move on, although who knows what this may have done to him long term.

It's time for you to move on too.

Ceebs85 · 14/08/2017 17:38

Deserving just isn't a word that comes into it.

If he can't forgive you and can't ever see himself being able to do so then they're his feelings on the matter and you have to accept and respect that you ruined 'you'.

It would be up to him if he felt your relationship was strong enough to work through it. Nothing to do with you being 'Deserving'

IshipTomHardysohard · 14/08/2017 17:39

A year long affair! And you just expect your partner to forgive you?

Nothing you say can justify a year, an affair that long is not just screwing someone. It's not a drunken one night stand.

If you expected any sympathy your in the wrong place.

And stop throwing all of your toys out the pushchair because your not getting the answers and sympathy you wanted on here.

user1494187262 · 14/08/2017 17:42

It's never black and white OP

Personally, the issue I see here is your entitled attitude. Your DP leaving may not have been about the affair so much as your expectation that he would forgive you. You honestly have no idea.

Don't play victim to circumstances you created.

thestamp · 14/08/2017 17:42

I guess I'm sad that I am so indispensable after 8 great years and 2 shit ones.

God imagine how your ex feels. His partner has a bad year, and responds by fucking him over and then expecting to be forgiven?? The poor man!

user1494187262 · 14/08/2017 17:45

You are indespensible OP.

He will find a woman who is prepared to give him the same loving loyal commitment he deserves, and gave you.

Judydreamsofhorses · 14/08/2017 17:49

I think I could possibly forgive my partner if he had a drunken one night stand, but no, not for a year long affair, regardless of what else was going on in his life. The sense of betrayal would just be too great.