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Original poster

Did I deserve a second chance?

140 replies

playmisty · 14/08/2017 16:52

Six months ago, pretty much on the verge of a breakdown, I confessed to my DP that I had just ended a year long affair with a work colleague.

We had been together for 10 years and this is the first time in my life I had done anything like this to anyone, let alone my lovely DP. It is inexcusable in any context but I felt very lonely, had undergone a termination that had affected me badly for two years and my Dad was and still is terminally ill in hospital - not excuses but I'm still trying to make sense of why I would do this awful thing to such a great and loving man.

He immediately left and didn't want to hear anything about my reasons which I completely understand. He has been very kind in the grand scheme of things, helping me find a place to live on my own but he does not want to salvage the relationship in any way and can't forgive me. He now has a place of his own and has already started dating.

I am so sad it has come to this and would honestly like to think that after 10 years, if the boot was on the other foot, I would know DP enough to realise that this is so out of character, not him in the slightest that I would at least give him a chance to explain or even a chance to work things through, if only on a trial basis at first.

Clearly things were not ideal when I embarked on the affair but I would give anything to turn back time and talk issues through with DP before going down this destructive route.

I guess I'm sad that I am so indispensable after 8 great years and 2 shit ones.

OP posts:
Gorgosparta · 14/08/2017 18:33

To be fair op you havent been given a kicking. Your actions and your attitude have.

Lots of people have been on the opposite side of this to you and heard all the same justifications. They have felt the pain your ex has.

He isnt coming back. You need to find a way to move on too. To do that yiu need accept that you are not the victim and own your actions. Accept them, maybe get some counselling and move on.

lollipop7 · 14/08/2017 18:33

You asked a very straightforward question.
You've had your answers.

Nobody is saying you haven't endured some unpleasant things but rather that cheating for an entire year was a cruel and unjustifiable response. If you couldn't cope with the relationship then you should have left him before deceiving him for a year.

If you feel factors in your life explain it that's not the same as justification.

UnicornsandRainbows1 · 14/08/2017 18:46

I don't even know where to start. No-one is giving you a 'kicking' op, especially when you're down... because of an event... that you created.

I don't understand this '10 year' thing either. That doesn't matter. Let me tell you, over the last few years I've been handed a ridiculous amount of crap to deal with. I'll tell you what I didn't do, cheat. A) because I don't want to and want to be in a relationship with my husband. B) because it solves nothing and it's really easy to not cheat.

Maybe with your next partner you'll work together as a couple through things. You checked out when you had an affair, especially one that lasted a year.

I'm sorry that you have gone through some stuff, I really am, but they are not reasons or excuses for cheating.

Neverknowing · 14/08/2017 18:49

I'm confused what you would consider enough to break up with someone ?
For me an affair is the worst of the worst thing you could do in a relationship, what would you have to do to make him breaking up with you make sense?

GaryBarlowsTaxReturn · 14/08/2017 18:54

Quick! Stone her!

OSETmum · 14/08/2017 18:54

No 2nd chance from me either. No one accidentally has an affair, no matter what is going on in their life. You're an adult, you made a choice and you chose to betray your partner in the worst possible way.

user1488575338 · 14/08/2017 18:55

Learn to take some responsibility for your own actions. Things will be easier then to accept.

GaryBarlowsTaxReturn · 14/08/2017 18:55

OP you are not going to get a fair hearing here; mn is no shades of grey when it comes to affairs. Interestingly most people remain in relationships after infidelity so what you have read here isn't borne out in reality. Good luck op I hope you manage to make it up to your DP & he finds it in his heart to forgive you.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 14/08/2017 18:58

Quick! Stone her!

Adult response Hmm

Good luck op I hope you manage to make it up to your DP & he finds it in his heart to forgive you.

Well according to the OP he has moved on.

Good for him imo.

Gorgosparta · 14/08/2017 19:00

Interestingly most people remain in relationships after infidelity so what you have read here isn't borne out in reality.

Not quite. If someone gives their cheating partner a second chance, thats up to them. But that doesnt mean that the cheating partner deserves a second chance. Which is what the op is asking.

A second chance is completely up to the person cheated on.

I also said in my first post that i would say i wouldnt give a second chance. But until i am in that situation, i cant say 100%.

I can say that if dh cheated and thought he was entitled to a second chance, then i would probably kick him straight out.

DancesWithOtters · 14/08/2017 19:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

stitchglitched · 14/08/2017 19:08

'I hope you manage to make it up to your DP & he finds it in his heart to forgive you'

Why do you hope that? The OP's ex has made it clear that he doesn't want to continue in this relationship so why would you wish that on him? I don't get it.

Nainer123 · 14/08/2017 19:18

I wouldn't forgive you, I wouldn't give you a second chance either. You had a whole other commited relationship while in a long term relationship.

Yes shit things happened to you in that time and maybe that was your way of trying to escape it all but it doesn't take away from what you done.

I think the best thing you could do is move on. Your ex deserves better.

Hopefully you can find better coping mechanisms because unfortunately from what you've said your lack of better coping mechanisms has ruined one of the best things in your life.

flutterby12 · 14/08/2017 19:18

A whole year! I don't blame him. You have got just what you deserve. How did you think he'd react? Jesus, some people.

TheNaze73 · 14/08/2017 19:50

You choose to fuck someone else for a year. One drunken fuck would be enough for most to end things but, a whole year???
Of course you don't deserve a second chance

MamaMagellanic · 14/08/2017 19:58

Nope.

WinchestersInATardis · 14/08/2017 20:05

OP you are not going to get a fair hearing here; mn is no shades of grey when it comes to affairs.

In my experience, only people who cheat think there are shades of grey. Everyone else seems to find it fairly straight forward.
And just because you or the OP don't like the answers she's getting, doesn't make it unfair.
If the OP had even once acknowledged that her actions had caused her DP pain, instead of wanting sympathy for having to face the consequences of her own actions, she might have received a more sympathetic hearing.

HerOtherHalf · 14/08/2017 20:18

A ghost my arse. It takes a hell of a lot of cunning to have an affair for a year. Give you a second chance? I wouldn't give you a second thought.

Emboo19 · 14/08/2017 20:24

You can have a second chance op. A second chance to start a new relationship and to remain faithful, this time!

Your ex also deserves a second chance. A second chance at finding someone who won't spend a year lying and cheating on him.

I'd do exactly as your ex did and that's with a child involved. As most other's have said, a one night stand would be difficult enough to forgive (don't think I could) but a year!! Absolutely no way, the sex aside the lying and deceit you must have done, unforgivable in my book.

Skittlesss · 14/08/2017 20:30

What's a ghost?

lunar1 · 14/08/2017 20:33

You can't use emotional manipulation to make someone forgive an affair.

HotNatured · 14/08/2017 20:34

OP no kicking from me but I doubt you'll return anyway, but in case you do read this, I wonder why you felt lonely in your relationship, and why you would want to return to that situation? Often affairs are borne out of a need for attention and I wonder if this is partly why you embarked on an affair.

I think instead of looking for forgiveness, you work on why you want to return to an unsatisfactory relationship. I'm sure your ex DP was lovely but I think you should work on acceptance that he and your old relationship weren't right for you.

Good luck. Good people do bad things sometimes

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 14/08/2017 20:34

A ghost? Wtf does that even mean? Hmm
No 2nd chance here either, you lied & cheated your way through a year-how do you honestly think he could ever trust you again, or want to?

WhooooAmI24601 · 14/08/2017 20:38

I guess I'm sad that I am so indispensable after 8 great years

This sums it up. You feel you've been thrown away after 10 years. I imagine your DH felt exactly the same way knowing he'd been thrown away, too. You're simply reaping what you've sown.

You deserve happiness. Regardless of past actions, you deserve a fresh chance at happiness and love. What you don't deserve is a say in whether your Husband chooses to forgive you. That's nothing to do with you at all. He's chosen not to and in doing so he's enabled you both to move forwards and start afresh. He's been more magnanimous than most cheated-on spouses would be. Be grateful. Be thankful that you had a lovely marriage to a lovely man. Let him go and wish him well.

As an aside, I've been cheated on. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to try and forgive and, ultimately, it was unforgivable and we made ourselves desperately unhappy trying to put back the pieces of our broken clusterfuck of a relationship. Odds are that second chance you're dreaming of would have ended with further unhappiness. I don't blame him for one second for declining the chance.

crazykitten20 · 14/08/2017 21:12

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