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Original poster

Did I deserve a second chance?

140 replies

playmisty · 14/08/2017 16:52

Six months ago, pretty much on the verge of a breakdown, I confessed to my DP that I had just ended a year long affair with a work colleague.

We had been together for 10 years and this is the first time in my life I had done anything like this to anyone, let alone my lovely DP. It is inexcusable in any context but I felt very lonely, had undergone a termination that had affected me badly for two years and my Dad was and still is terminally ill in hospital - not excuses but I'm still trying to make sense of why I would do this awful thing to such a great and loving man.

He immediately left and didn't want to hear anything about my reasons which I completely understand. He has been very kind in the grand scheme of things, helping me find a place to live on my own but he does not want to salvage the relationship in any way and can't forgive me. He now has a place of his own and has already started dating.

I am so sad it has come to this and would honestly like to think that after 10 years, if the boot was on the other foot, I would know DP enough to realise that this is so out of character, not him in the slightest that I would at least give him a chance to explain or even a chance to work things through, if only on a trial basis at first.

Clearly things were not ideal when I embarked on the affair but I would give anything to turn back time and talk issues through with DP before going down this destructive route.

I guess I'm sad that I am so indispensable after 8 great years and 2 shit ones.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 14/08/2017 17:06

A second chance after an affair is a gift, not a right. A year is a lot of deception and you do come across as having an entitlement.

Congratulations for coming clean, but nobody should ever think they are irreplaceable in a relationship.

ChickenBhuna · 14/08/2017 17:06

I'm out op. I have no idea what "I was a ghost" even means.

histinyhandsarefrozen · 14/08/2017 17:06

It's not about deserving a second chance, or second chances at all, for some people, when it's over, it's over, gone, kaputt...why should he force something he doesn't feel?

Flowers for you. You sound in an unhappy place. This will pass.

Fudgit · 14/08/2017 17:08

Playmisty you're just trying to be the victim. Stop it please, it's irritating and really shows the skewed thinking that probably led you to have an affair. Did you not fuck the other guy? You were a ghost? I'm sorry but however unhappy you were it just isn't an excuse, it doesn't give you special status. I don't think you're getting it really.

ImperialBlether · 14/08/2017 17:08

Was it for one year or two, then?

You were leading a double life for at least 10% of the time you were with him. When he looks back at that year, he doesn't know what was true and what was a lie. Even little things, when you were late home from work or went out to the shop for something, will make him wonder what was really happening. Can't you see that he doesn't know his own history?

Good for him for packing you in. I would have been more concerned for him if he allowed you back into his life.

ShatnersWig · 14/08/2017 17:09

Second chance? Sorry, no way. I've had some really shit times, stuff not great in my relationship, close friends dying, had a breakdown. Didn't choose to spend a year fucking someone else.

stitchglitched · 14/08/2017 17:11

I wouldn't forgive a year long affair. That is a sustained period of deceit and betrayal. There is also the surrounding behaviour that goes alongside the affair such as the gaslighting and jeopardising an unsuspecting partner's sexual health. Your partner has every right to not want to give you a second chance. It sounds like he has good, healthy boundaries and will not tolerate being treated badly. Be grateful he has been kind to you in the aftermath and respect his decision to move on.

Tory92 · 14/08/2017 17:11

It's a tough one, there's nothing to say he might change his mind after dating other women, 10 years is a long time to be with someone. But what you might find is that trying to fix it just drives you further apart because of resentment. I'd say it's for the best, but I do hope you can salvage even a friendship. Best wishes OP

Crumbelina · 14/08/2017 17:12

Wow - a year?! Completely black and white for me. No way should he give you a second chance, sorry.

Gorgosparta · 14/08/2017 17:12

I would not wnat to be with someone whose response to emotional pain was to have an affair. Not a one night stand. An affair.

Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt · 14/08/2017 17:13

It's as black and white as it gets. No you do not deserve a second chance.

You embarked on an affair where you would have built up an emotional connection to another person to the detriment and hurt of your DP. He will have noticed, I guarantee you, but would probably have put it down to the other stresses in your life. Everytime you said you were going to do this that or the other but you were shagging / crying in another man's arms you lied. There's absolutely no grey in that.

You need to get counselling if you think your behaviour was even a little bit deserving of a second chance.

PoorYorick · 14/08/2017 17:13

I don't condone affairs but I don't think they're all the same and I don't think everyone who has one is automatically an evil person. Humans and relationships are frail and complicated.

With that said, I do wish that people who had them would just own their decisions more, even if just to themselves. There's always language like being sucked in, falling in, I assume that's what 'being a ghost' means. Like it just happened and wasn't in any way orchestrated, no mattee how long it went on for.

That annoys me.

OnionKnight · 14/08/2017 17:13

No you don't deserve a second chance.

You cheated and your DP dumped you, you cheating led to him dumping you.

RaininSummer · 14/08/2017 17:15

Sorry OP I agree with everybody else; a year is not a quick out of character lapse. Also no idea what you mean by the ghost comment.

Crowdo · 14/08/2017 17:17

You're going to get short shrift on this site. I suspect you know that. For what it's worth, I'm not going to have a go at you. I'm sure you feel guilty enough. And people cheat. But afterwards, things are changed and you have to accept that. It's time to look forwards.

Buck3t · 14/08/2017 17:17

I know what you mean. Unfortunately he doesn't. I don't judge you.

ClemDanfango · 14/08/2017 17:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Notreallyarsed · 14/08/2017 17:19

Everyone who has affairs always has reasons behind it.
The point in this instance is that it's not about you, it's about how you made him feel. You blew his world apart with lies and infidelity and have no right to ask anything of him now.

I'm very sorry about your dad, dealing with a terminally ill parent and all the feelings and emotions that stirs up is incredibly tough. Flowers

Butterymuffin · 14/08/2017 17:19

As a pp said, it doesn't matter what we think. And no one 'deserves' a second chance after any infidelity; it's for the wronged partner to decide if they can forgive and continue. He didn't want to. It's a hard lesson but one you have to accept.

Having said all that, do you have friends you can talk to about it and about your dad's illness? That bit sounds stressful without it being an excuse for what's been done.

Aeviternity · 14/08/2017 17:20

People don't get second chances.

NEVER confess. Confession means it's over. Even people who say they 'forgive' just simmer on it until you inevitably break up later.

I don't understand what the Confessor thinks they're going to get out of them blurting out they're having an affair. A hug? It's a secret for a reason!

pointythings · 14/08/2017 17:20

Nope, an affair is not forgivable. Totally black and white, absolute deal breaker. I would not forgive either. Accept that it was YOU who ruined this relationship, maybe get some counselling to look into why you chose cheating as a way of coping with your traumas and then move on.

Banananana · 14/08/2017 17:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BabychamSocialist · 14/08/2017 17:21

A snog or drunken one night stand is something I could forgive, but not a year long affair. You basically embarked on a 2nd relationship and lied to him every day.

Sorry, but it IS black and white. There are no mitigating circumstances here. Plenty of people have a tough time of it but they don't go and cheat on their long-term partner.

As it is, you just need to get on with your life and accept he doesn't want to salvage your relationship.

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/08/2017 17:23

Grief does strange things to us. What do you mean you weren't fucking, you were a ghost?

From your dps POV, did he give a lot to you because you were going through such a hard time? If he did then this is the ultimate slap in the face.

Sorry that he won't give you a second chance.

I think you need to learn to live with yourself.

You need to give yourself a second chance, not him.

thestamp · 14/08/2017 17:23

He probably believes, as many do, that you see the person's real character when they are in the shit. In your case, you had a bad time and in response you slept with another man for a year. And then apparently expected that you would be forgiven for it?? In the nicest possible way, give your head a shake.

How is your ex meant to live a peaceful life knowing that if you get stressed your likely to cheat on him? Not a one night stand even - that you'd take on a YEAR long affair?

The fact that you can't see how awful and destructive that is, how it is completely reasonable for him to end things over it, makes me suspect that you lack empathy for your ex.

Were you generally a self involved person during the relationship? It may be that you tended to play the victim throughout the rs, nothing was ever really your fault, you were always the weak broken one who wasn't fully responsible for her actions? and this affair was the final nail in the coffin.

I would say straw that broke the camels back... but a year long affair is MUCH more than a straw... that's an anvil to break the camel's back tbh