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Original poster

Did I deserve a second chance?

140 replies

playmisty · 14/08/2017 16:52

Six months ago, pretty much on the verge of a breakdown, I confessed to my DP that I had just ended a year long affair with a work colleague.

We had been together for 10 years and this is the first time in my life I had done anything like this to anyone, let alone my lovely DP. It is inexcusable in any context but I felt very lonely, had undergone a termination that had affected me badly for two years and my Dad was and still is terminally ill in hospital - not excuses but I'm still trying to make sense of why I would do this awful thing to such a great and loving man.

He immediately left and didn't want to hear anything about my reasons which I completely understand. He has been very kind in the grand scheme of things, helping me find a place to live on my own but he does not want to salvage the relationship in any way and can't forgive me. He now has a place of his own and has already started dating.

I am so sad it has come to this and would honestly like to think that after 10 years, if the boot was on the other foot, I would know DP enough to realise that this is so out of character, not him in the slightest that I would at least give him a chance to explain or even a chance to work things through, if only on a trial basis at first.

Clearly things were not ideal when I embarked on the affair but I would give anything to turn back time and talk issues through with DP before going down this destructive route.

I guess I'm sad that I am so indispensable after 8 great years and 2 shit ones.

OP posts:
MrsDesireeCarthorse · 14/08/2017 17:49

I am so indispensable after 8 great years and 2 shit ones.

What a massive Freudian slip that is. You were NOT indispensable. Did you think you could cheat on him because he thought you were?

I would never have seen you again. A year! I wouldn't give a shit why you did it. No way would I take you back. And yes, I would think I had never truly known you, and that this is what you really are,

KitKat1985 · 14/08/2017 17:50

No I wouldn't have forgiven you either. A year is a long time. That's not a one-off moment of madness, but a prolonged phase of lying, disrespect and deceit. And you are playing the victim here. My Dad died a few months ago after a long illness, and I've had mental health issues at times over the past few years and plenty of other life crap besides, and guess what? - I managed not to have an affair. Most people go through hard times in their life, but it doesn't justify behaviour like that. You made your choices, now accept the consequences and move on with your life.

Loopytiles · 14/08/2017 17:51

You make self-pitying excuses for your actions (eg "I was a ghost"). Bereavement / MH issues are not justification for a long affair!

PamDooveOrangeJoof · 14/08/2017 17:53

You've said that you deserve a second chance and to talk it through after all of those amazing years instead of him taking this destructive route.

I'm sure he would say exactly the same about your affair!

You are the one that destroyed it with your actions. Why didn't you 'talk it through' with him instead of taking the destructive route of cheating on him?

Dustbunny1900 · 14/08/2017 17:54

A year long affair demonstrates a cold, lying, calculating, deceptive character with not much guilt or empathy. A little shocking really. I could never trust you again if I were him. Sorry, when I picture "ghost"-like behavior it doesn't encompass that type of sociopathy.
I'm shocked that YOU are the one who dispensed with him after so long. Poor man.

Squarerouteofsquirrel · 14/08/2017 17:57

Your ex partner obviously knows his own mind enough to realise that he cannot continue a relationship with someone who has cheated. What's the point in being in a toxic relationship, with no trust and prolonging the inevitable ?
You just have to take the lesson and move on and let him move on with his life too.

sonjadog · 14/08/2017 17:58

The thing is, OP, that every time he thinks about what you have done, he is thinking of every occasion during that year that you did couple things or had romantic moments, and unknown to him you were fucking another man, every night you were away with work or whenever it was you met him, every time he assumed you were busy with other stuff and were actually with this other man. It´s mental torture. You have completely destroyed any trust he had in you. If he is with you now, how can he know that you are going where you say you are going? He would live his life always on edge, paranoid, never able to trust. It isn´t a way to live. He´s right - it´s best just to walk away and start again with someone else. The relationship you had was destroyed by the affair.

You need to move on and put this behind you. Fine, you weren´t yourself at the time and were going through a lot. But that´s no excuse. You need to accept that you made choices of your own free will that ended your relationship. A year long affair is not an impulsive action. You planned and schemed to meet another man. You need to stop finding excuses for what you have done. Face it, deal with it, and then move on with your life, wiser from this experience.

Huppopapa · 14/08/2017 17:59

Well of course you don't deserve a second chance, but that does not mean you might not get one.
That said, however, what absolutely no-one seems to have said (though it has been hinted at) is that an affair is often a useful lever for the 'innocent' party to get out. I have dealt professionally with huge numbers of people who have lived in miserable relationships for ages but do not leave until there is a punch or an affair. Those things are certainly bad and in some cases they really will be the only reason - and adequate reason - to end the relationship. But more commonly the incident is merely the catalyst or the key to being able to do what they wanted to anyway.
The fact that your chap has moved on reasonably quickly might suggest that he was not happy in the relationship. For that reason, rather than because of any moral judgment or because I accept there is any rule about second chances, I rather doubt you will get another bite at this cherry.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 14/08/2017 18:00

Sorry but no I certainly wouldn't forgive a year long affair!

That is a huge level of lies and deceit!

BabychamSocialist · 14/08/2017 18:02

My Dad was and still is terminally ill in hospital - not excuses but I'm still trying to make sense of why I would do this awful thing to such a great and loving man.

Sorry about your dad.

But, I lost my closest friend a year ago. I overate and put two stone on - that was a mistake. If I'd have embarked on an affair, I'd have expected no forgiveness from DP and would've expected our relationship to end.

A mistake is a snog, or leaving the oven on. A year long affair is deceit and cruel.

BananaSandwichesEveryDay · 14/08/2017 18:05

Being forgiven and being given a second chance are two completely different things. For me, I would hope that I would eventually be able to forgive dh if he were to do this to me. But a second chance? No. It would drive me mad never knowing whether the affair was really over, or whether he'd started another one. I couldn't be In a relationship without 100% trust in my partner, so even if I could forgive, I would not offer a second chance. And I'm not sure I could forgive someone who didn't take absolute responsibility for their actions, without trying to justify themselves.

PaintingByNumbers · 14/08/2017 18:06

Huppopapa has it

Tbh op, I dont understand why you told him? When going down this path, the price is holding any guilt to yourself. The affair was over, why confess?

AnyFucker · 14/08/2017 18:07

Nope

Farmerswife4life1984 · 14/08/2017 18:07

Sorry but regardless of circumstances what you did is unforgivable . My dad was dying of brain cancer and I had loads of shit with my inlaws and 4dcs but I never cheated ! If you really loved him you wouldn't have cheated . YABU to try and justify your behaviour and thinking you deserve forgiveness . I hope your dp finds someone lovely and who he deserves

NellieBuff · 14/08/2017 18:10

I would give you a second chance if it was a one night stand but a year long affair = all the lying and deceit for a year - is, for me, unforgivable.

Actions have consequences and the consequence for you is that your DP has moved on. You didn't think about him during the affair so why do you think he should think about you now,

Joinourclub · 14/08/2017 18:12

You sound like a self obsessed idiot. YOU lied and cheated for a year, yet somehow you are still the victim?

Miserylovescompany2 · 14/08/2017 18:13

I would never be able to trust you again. Nor would I wish to invest any more of my time trying to repair something unrepairable in my eyes.

I'm sorry you've had and are going through a very difficult phase in your life, however, you can not wind back time.

Pick yourself up, dust yourself down and move forward...

ptumbi · 14/08/2017 18:13

OP - I do get it; you'd had a crap year, you felt awful and wanted to be desirable and fun and ... single.

Maybe understandable, but not, IMHO, forgivable. You still had full control over what you did. You could have stopped. You could have had a bit of self-awareness that you were sabotaging the one whole thing in your life, your 'lovely' DP. But instead you selfishly carried on - and that is unforgivable.

I hope you can forgive yourself. You cannot expect him to forgive you - he doesn't need to .

crazykitten20 · 14/08/2017 18:16

@playmisty

You were a ghost having an affair behind his back. A ghost who lied to him. A ghost who made you the priority and guess what? You still are! Nice one - not.

WinchestersInATardis · 14/08/2017 18:19

I see the same pattern in all the people who admit to cheating on here, and from my ex:
I was unhappy
I had these reasons
I'm hurting now
I want a second chance
It's all about you. Even now.
You don't mention how devastating it must been for him to find out you were having a year long affair after ten years together.
You don't mention how badly you hurt him by your actions.
You don't mention what you might do to try regain his trust.
He's just supposed to trust you again when
you're only acknowledging your pain but not his.
OP, I do believe you when you say you regret it, but this is like punching someone in the face and then complaining that they're not being sympathetic when you hurt your hand.

thebigbluedustbin · 14/08/2017 18:22

No second chance from me. No way. A year long affair is not a one off, out of character mistake. You deserve nothing from your ex. I personally would never want to see or speak to you again.

lollipop7 · 14/08/2017 18:22

Since when does trauma and misfortune justify a year long affair then the inevitable trauma and misfortune on someone else?

You need to accept that what you did caused irreparable damage and he has moved on. Allow him that dignity. Sorry to say it but you sound quite capable of forgiving yourself and that's probably the crux of your ongoing problems

SleightOfHand · 14/08/2017 18:24

If you truly love him, wish him well and let it go.

Original poster
playmisty · 14/08/2017 18:30

Thanks okay I get it. Over and out now so if you're looking to kick someone when they're down please find another thread.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 14/08/2017 18:32

You knew the responses you would get

You simply wanted to wallow and play the victim

We see you

Move on with your life and let him move on with his. There are huge lessons for you to learn here, if you would quit whinging

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