Speeding husband...our problems are all my fault

[MissCommunication]

I don't know how or where to start. I've got another thread going about my DH driving really fast in Germany with the kids and I in the car and about his general fast driving. There is a lot else going on in our marriage and we are at a crisis point after I broached the subject of the speeding last weekend and he blew his top.

Our relationship has always been tricky. When we met he was going through a messy divorce and there was loads going on with his DD (then 9) and exW and we really suffered. I was told I made no effort and contributed a lot to the acrimony. DH (we got married 6 years ago, got together 8 years ago) has always made me feel like I do things wrong. An example early in our relationship was me going out for dinner for a friend's birthday supper. I gave an ETA not REALLY knowing how evening was going to pan out but sent regular updates becuase it was a ten course tasting menu and it was running over massively. When I got home the house was dark and he was "asleep"...you could cut the atmosphere in the bedroom with a knife and he wouldn't talk to me. Eventually told me how rude, selfish and inconsiderate I was for being later than I said.

I was training hard to get to the Olympics and he was very supportive, practically and financially (significant because I became reliant on him and have no savings of my own) and he was also dealing with a lot. I tried to be as supportive as I could but the situation became untenable and I ended it. He went ALL out to repair it so I went back. My Olympic dream shattered but a few weeks later I found out I was pregnant. Around the same time my best friend, who is a very opinionated, strong-willed and black and white person, was cut out from our lives because things blew up around her feeling he was controlling me and trapping me, and he felt she was getting in too close and was destructive. Basically he told me I wasn't to have any contact with her, which left me without my friends because she was an integral part of my group of friends and I wasn't able to see them naturally and normally. Feeling depressed and hormonal and alone throughout pregnancy and baby days, I became very unwell. I wasn't sleeping with the baby and DH was training for an Ironman. It was a terrible spiral and I became more and more depressed. When I saw my friend in the street I mentioned it to DH because I was afraid he'd find out and be angry and I felt it best to be up front, and he went off, I was begging and sobbing and so it went on, self harming and crying and not sleeping and generally awful. One day it all got too much as it was happening so often and I decided to end it all. Attempt 1. A few weeks later I tried again in my car but bottled it. To my complete and utter shame, I had also lashed out at DH and walloped him in sheer and utter frustration and hopelessness. That was unforgiveable. I felt driven into such a corner and bashing myself around the head on brick walls, rolling pins, fists, anything that came to hand was just as bad. I must say that I have never ever hurt or touched the children. Ever.

Anyway, I got medication and started to feel much better and drink a lot less. Things didn't improve in terms of the rows but I harmed less. A friend took her own life through hanging and it was a terrible shock, and I connected with DH a bit more through the sadness, although only a few weeks previously I'd planned to leave him. Cue unexpected pregnancy. I was in turmoil about whether to keep the baby given the terrible state of our marriage but I wrote a letter to him and really laid it on the line that I was choosing it and we choose each other, warts and all. He didn't acknowledge it really although we were in counselling (not that it has made much difference).

The pregnancy somehow reset me and I am no longer depressed or medicated. I am strong and feel so much better. Baby is now 1 year old and a petal. I have committed not to fight or shout in front of the children after DS (aged 5) called me a nasty woman and there's only one place he heard that. DH blames me for everything...says I don't cope, can't cope, treat him badly, treat the children badly, am inconsistent, my behaviour is disgusting etc etc. I admit that I have done things wrong. I have been moody at 8am when DH comes bouncing down the stairs at 8am when I've been up with one or both kids and the day has started at 5am for me. I wasn't given the support with DS (first baby) and felt so alone with no network around me - our families live far away (Brazil and Africa and nearest family is 2 hours away) but I am doing so much better now in every way. I admit that when DH does things that anger me such as fuck about on his phone for hours while I deal with the children and then blames me for preventing him from spending time with them, I don't talk about it and bottle it up which is probably why he says I'm nasty and moody and treat him badly.

I've done things wrong and have my flaws. I can't write any more because I never get time to myself and kids are playing up and DH will be back soon and my window of opportunity has gone now. I've left so much out but tried to be balanced. I'm sorry if this is garbled. I've not given the story from last night as I can't right now but wil update when I next get a chance.

a) You can either disrupt your children's lives now and give them a childhood where they don't witness their mother being ground down by their abusive father, thereby giving them a good example of strength, self-esteem, self-respect and respect for others. Or you can stay using "I don't want to disrupt them" as an excuse, and do them untold irreversible emotional damage.

Leaving is a challenge, but it is the least disruptive for your children in the long run. Staying in a highly abusive relationship, where you're having to put up and shut up with you all being put in physical danger, is a lot more damaging.

b) Your "D"H has absolutely no qualms about hurting you. What he is doing to you is not love. It's dangling a carrot so you feel more torn when he's a shit and you think about leaving.

nice and nasty cycle. He suspects he may have pushed too far so he is acting nice to draw you back in, until he feels secure again. Classic tactic

There is never going to be a 'good' time to leave, but you could start to check out your options, have a look at what you would be entitled to, get copies of all financial documents, important papers, etc. See a doctor, get referral to counselling, contact women's aid, do the Freedom Programme. little steps

and remember that this is for your kids future. Nothing is more important than a kind, loving, open family home. And your husband certainly doesnt care about your feelings, he isnt sitting there beating himself up about not hurting you, is he.

Thank you again for your wise - and blunt - words. It really is appreciated. I keep reading and re-reading all your posts and finding myself feeling disloyal and unkind about him. The thing is, I feel I've imagined it...how I've felt, what he's said etc etc. And then I remember things that have happened...like him taking photographs of the journal I kept on a trip when we broke up. I grew up abroad (in UK now) and it's my heart and soul home. I've never been at home in UK although I'm very loyal to here too. The trip was back home and with the benefit of distance and clarity I ended it with us. I made friends with a guy...we had feelings for each other which were lovely, there was minor "interference" but no sex but DH thinks I was shagging him and being unfaithful. Nothing could be further from the truth but he still felt compelled to take the photos. I discovered them by chance and when I sent a message asking why there were these pics he raced home from work and went all out again. Looking back it was just such a bad thing for him to have done.

I also planned to return to where I grew up and make a life there as a single person but he was so persuasive and I was convinced he would be willing to at least go there often if not live one day...then I was pregnant and now it just won't ever happen. He's avoided going there with me to visit and I've not been back since even though we have travelled extensively elsewhere. I remember talking about the country as much as I felt I needed to...I miss it and feel empty inside...and he told me to stop rubbing his face in it. My only chance of going back to visit is the four of us as a family, as if we break up I doubt I'll be able to afford it and that he would agree to it...I don't think I'd like it if he took the kids away (as I said they've never been away from me but he can be gone from 1 night to 3 weeks at a time) so I can't have it both ways. I'm heartbroken all over again and it's eating me alive.

I think I can only take baby steps here. The thought of ending it is awful. I have come so close so often but bottle it every time. I vowed I would end it if he accused me of not supporting him or caring about him but when he did it at the end of June I couldn't do it. I feel paralysed.

Baby steps. Absolutely.

I posted over 5 years ago on MN about my husband's sexual behaviour. It has taken me a long time to put the picture together.

Your jouney starts now. Have you spoken to Womens' Aid yet? This is absolutely not about judgement and they will not tell you to leave or put on any pressure. They will listen.

Not spoken to WA yet...I'll call soon. It's DD first birthday tomorrow and then we have DSD all week next week, which isn't without its challenges.

Things are on an even keel at home and I hate rocking the boat...when it's good and he does the things I love about him I wonder why I feel like I do. It can get so jumbled up in my head sometimes although it's so much better than it was. I look back to the darkest days and wonder how on earth I got there. I used to be so brave and strong and feisty. 😣😣😣

And just asked again about my message and directly asked about setting time aside to talk. No answer. So I asked if my messages were getting through (as there were other general messages too) and he said yes. So he's read them. And fucking ignores them but carried on his charm offensive in person. How rude is that? If he wants the marriage and family he needs to at least acknowledge me or is it that he thinks so little of me that if he ignores it all I'll just creep off and not bother trying any more?

I've been up with both kids so writing in DS bedroom. Mentally knackered.

Get yourself on some form of birth control unless you want to bring another child into this relationship.

Go back and read all your posts as if it were your daughter posting them because unless you get yourself sorted and away from this man you are married to then this will be her future too.

He has narcissistic personality disorder. Look it up on youtube. Maybe if you hear professionals discuss this you will acknowledge danger and seriousness of the situation. My mother never left, he never changed. We didn't have a childhood bc they lived out their dramas. Go visit your homeland with dc. Then stay don't return. If you stay, you are hurting the dc.

I meant if you stay with HIM, you hurt dc.

It's really sad to read you going in circles, constantly alluding to this idea that he loves you or even understands that you're a person really. That he's suddenly going to become the person you wish he was.

It's painfully clear that he barely acknowledges you as human. You're useful to him when you're meeting his needs. Any other time, he either terrorises you or ignores you, depending on what he judges as the quickest way to bring you to heel.

You need to open your eyes and keep them open. There's nothing for you here. Stop looking for things that don't exist.

So what it boils down to is that you feel you have no options and you are basically paralysed.

This is because you are being systematically destroyed by your husband.

Stop sending him messages tonight. He does not care about your relationship. He is playing games. Any messages he sends are only to see if you are paying attention to him. Stop that.

Focus on relaxing. If you're sure the children are asleep, take a nice bath.

Bless you.

You have no chance of changing this man.

He has what he wants.

There is no point talking about anything, he isn't interested in your lived experience.

You need to get away from him. Your children will be safer and better off with less exposure to him.

So I've got this appointment to see a solicitor tomorrow and I don't even know what I want as an outcome. It's half an hour as his rate is high but I have had an initial consultation with him...that was a couple of years ago now and so much has happened and changed. It's a lot of money to spend without having a game plan. And DH still being great, so I feel awful doing it. He does have lots of virtues and good points...I wish it were different in other areas, enough to make it work for us.

What do I ask/say? Help!

"If I were to start divorce proceedings against my husband, how should I start to prepare now in order to get the best outcome for DC and myself?"

"What information do you need from me in order to give a high level prediction of how a divorce would leave me financially?"

"Is there anything I should or should not be doing right now to set things up for a better outcome should I go forward with the divorce?"

"If I were to start divorce proceedings, please tell me what my first steps would be, what you would need from me in terms of documents and information." (List what they say and ask them to confirm it all.)

DH is playing you. He'll be nice enough to keep you there, then start up again when he thinks you're hooked.

Sorry.

And DH still being great, so I feel awful doing it.

Please stop using your emotions as a barometer of reality and decision making.

Your emotions are an extremely poor measure of anything factual. It is so important that you start understanding that and start lining your choices up with it.

Look at the facts.
This person refuses to talk to you,
is horrifically abusive when you step out of line,
ignores your heartfelt attempts to sort out the marriage,
has driven you to self harm and attempted suicide
cut you off from your best friend
has always made you feel you do things wrong
blames you for the acrimony of his previous divorce
is poisoning your OWN CHILD against you (please will you start to put this as the first thing you think of! It is incredible to me that you can remain paralysed when such filthy abuse is meted out to your own child.)

Your guilt gets you nowhere. Your children need you to put them ahead of your emotions.

You are stuck in the FOG right now - fear, obligation and guilt are causing problems for you. They are keeping you locked in the toxic dynamic of self doubt, need for the reward, and self erasure that your husband wants from you instead of a normal relationship.

Get above it, start thinking of your husband as your enemy, and repeat the phrase 'I must create a new life for myself and my children or be destroyed' when you feel yourself overwhelmed by feelings arising from the swirl of fear, obligation and guilt that your predator has created.

Thanks everyone. I went to my appointment but the solicitor was in a meeting and was so late I had to leave to relieve the babysitter. So I'm just going to have to rearrange and keep trying to communicate with DH. It's so hard when he is STILL being super-loving. I know that if I try to talk about things he will say I'm so negative and always looking for problems etc etc but I kind of have to do it in order to push it one way or another. He just won't pin down what is wrong with us/me/him and look to change it fundamentally to jeep the family together. DSD is due tomorrow for a week and if I broach if tonight he will tell me I always pick a fight just before she is due (like when I talked about the speeding and by the sounds of it "countless" other times before). It's almost like I need to reaffirm in my mind that he just wants the status quo which of course won't work in the long run.

Thanks again xxx

He will always find a way for you to be wrong. Wrong time, wrong words, wrong look on your face, wrong tone. It's a tactic that works to shut you up.
Basically, standing up to him and expressing your opinion no matter how or why will be all out wrong.
So long as you know.

Think of it this way:

If he were the kind loving husband that you wish he was, he would be listening to what you had to say and doing everything in his power to change that, heck, he wouldn't have let it get to this stage in the first place.

As it is, he is ignoring your messages and being 'nice' in the hope that you will eventually shut up about it.

It's basically all about him

I don't understand why you keep talking about how you need to talk to him so he will know what to change etc.

Op you have talked and talked and talked and talked, he knows exactly what is wrong! He doesn't care tho. He knows from experience that you are all talk and if he just waits it out you'll shut up eventually.

He's not going to change. Yet you insist on banging your head on a brick wall while your children look on.

For the love of God, just concentrate on seeing a solicitor. Book with a different one, see a few. Redirect your energy away from him. You are throwing your pearls before swine here.

He just won't pin down what is wrong with us/me/him and look to change it fundamentally to jeep the family together.

But that is just it - you have to constantly review your own behaviour and actions and guess what you might be doing wrong.

You have to constantly strive to please someone who will not tell you what he wants, but will indicate after the fact that you failed.

Meanwhile, all of your attention is on him, all of your energy is used up trying to elicit a smile or an assurance that all is well.

And also meanwhile - is the family together? Yes it is. Because you are like a moth to a flame, a satellite fixed in his orbit. He is playing games with you in order to keep you where he wants you.

www.ashleighspatienceproject.com/abuse-types-and-cycle-wheel.html
Note that driving recklessly falls under physical abuse.

He just won't pin down what is wrong with us/me/him and look to change it fundamentally to jeep the family together.
This is one problem with him. He's not willing to even consider how to cooperate with you on making the relationship work.

Hi again

Thanks for your comments. The ten days of love bombing or love "inking" as I've dubbed it, have ended up with him ignoring me today. I haven't toed the line and responded the way he wants and now we are in punishment mode (it feels). Under his breath he has called me lazy and selfish in the past 24 hours. Not loud but he's definitely said it.

Anyway. I won't be able to see anyone at all solicitor-wise until mid-September as I just can't get away ... Can't find an excuse to go off by myself while DSD is here and anyway I've got gather my courage again. All day I've been on the brink of tears. I'm seeing what has been happening for years with greater clarity, especially reading some of the stuff in the links some of you have shared, so thank you for that.

It'll probably take me a good few months to put everything in place or be pushed far enough to just do it. I feel I need to be well prepared though so I'm quietly laying foundations.

Thanks all x

Sending you lots of encouragement. Keep on reading, and use this time to gather as much information as possible about the family finances.

Keep on posting. It's very easy to get sucked into the guess my mood game unless you have contact with people who have been on your shoes and know how the script goes.