Speeding husband...our problems are all my fault

[MissCommunication]

I don't know how or where to start. I've got another thread going about my DH driving really fast in Germany with the kids and I in the car and about his general fast driving. There is a lot else going on in our marriage and we are at a crisis point after I broached the subject of the speeding last weekend and he blew his top.

Our relationship has always been tricky. When we met he was going through a messy divorce and there was loads going on with his DD (then 9) and exW and we really suffered. I was told I made no effort and contributed a lot to the acrimony. DH (we got married 6 years ago, got together 8 years ago) has always made me feel like I do things wrong. An example early in our relationship was me going out for dinner for a friend's birthday supper. I gave an ETA not REALLY knowing how evening was going to pan out but sent regular updates becuase it was a ten course tasting menu and it was running over massively. When I got home the house was dark and he was "asleep"...you could cut the atmosphere in the bedroom with a knife and he wouldn't talk to me. Eventually told me how rude, selfish and inconsiderate I was for being later than I said.

I was training hard to get to the Olympics and he was very supportive, practically and financially (significant because I became reliant on him and have no savings of my own) and he was also dealing with a lot. I tried to be as supportive as I could but the situation became untenable and I ended it. He went ALL out to repair it so I went back. My Olympic dream shattered but a few weeks later I found out I was pregnant. Around the same time my best friend, who is a very opinionated, strong-willed and black and white person, was cut out from our lives because things blew up around her feeling he was controlling me and trapping me, and he felt she was getting in too close and was destructive. Basically he told me I wasn't to have any contact with her, which left me without my friends because she was an integral part of my group of friends and I wasn't able to see them naturally and normally. Feeling depressed and hormonal and alone throughout pregnancy and baby days, I became very unwell. I wasn't sleeping with the baby and DH was training for an Ironman. It was a terrible spiral and I became more and more depressed. When I saw my friend in the street I mentioned it to DH because I was afraid he'd find out and be angry and I felt it best to be up front, and he went off, I was begging and sobbing and so it went on, self harming and crying and not sleeping and generally awful. One day it all got too much as it was happening so often and I decided to end it all. Attempt 1. A few weeks later I tried again in my car but bottled it. To my complete and utter shame, I had also lashed out at DH and walloped him in sheer and utter frustration and hopelessness. That was unforgiveable. I felt driven into such a corner and bashing myself around the head on brick walls, rolling pins, fists, anything that came to hand was just as bad. I must say that I have never ever hurt or touched the children. Ever.

Anyway, I got medication and started to feel much better and drink a lot less. Things didn't improve in terms of the rows but I harmed less. A friend took her own life through hanging and it was a terrible shock, and I connected with DH a bit more through the sadness, although only a few weeks previously I'd planned to leave him. Cue unexpected pregnancy. I was in turmoil about whether to keep the baby given the terrible state of our marriage but I wrote a letter to him and really laid it on the line that I was choosing it and we choose each other, warts and all. He didn't acknowledge it really although we were in counselling (not that it has made much difference).

The pregnancy somehow reset me and I am no longer depressed or medicated. I am strong and feel so much better. Baby is now 1 year old and a petal. I have committed not to fight or shout in front of the children after DS (aged 5) called me a nasty woman and there's only one place he heard that. DH blames me for everything...says I don't cope, can't cope, treat him badly, treat the children badly, am inconsistent, my behaviour is disgusting etc etc. I admit that I have done things wrong. I have been moody at 8am when DH comes bouncing down the stairs at 8am when I've been up with one or both kids and the day has started at 5am for me. I wasn't given the support with DS (first baby) and felt so alone with no network around me - our families live far away (Brazil and Africa and nearest family is 2 hours away) but I am doing so much better now in every way. I admit that when DH does things that anger me such as fuck about on his phone for hours while I deal with the children and then blames me for preventing him from spending time with them, I don't talk about it and bottle it up which is probably why he says I'm nasty and moody and treat him badly.

I've done things wrong and have my flaws. I can't write any more because I never get time to myself and kids are playing up and DH will be back soon and my window of opportunity has gone now. I've left so much out but tried to be balanced. I'm sorry if this is garbled. I've not given the story from last night as I can't right now but wil update when I next get a chance.

I couldn't be with someone who chose to repeatedly scare the shit out of me by driving like a dumbfuck. It's not loving, not kind, not respectful. What's the point?

BTW how do I clear and delete my browsing history???? Have a Samsung mobile

I think you will find something in Settings on your phone. If you take out the sim card and/or the battery you will probably have to re-set everything. That might do it. I'm sure there'll be someone along soon who knows!

It's a shit situation isn't it.

I too am wife no. 2 and similar things are happening to me.

He sounds fucking awful. He's dismantling you piece by piece.

Would he actually be able to have the dc overnight if he works away and has commitments with his other child? Wondering if you are worried about something that won't happen.

"I'm extremely reluctant to leave because I just can't bear the idea of the children being away even for a night. DS is 5 and I've never spent a night away from him. DH works abroad a lot and has been away for weeks at a time. He owns his own company".

Do you really think this abusive man will want to spend any time at all with his children in the long run let alone overnight?. Given your second sentence here that is very unlikely. He is more likely than not to use these children as weapons against you as further punishment at you for having the gall in his eyes to leave him.

Your 5 year old is already being profoundly affected by all this around him and he calling you a nasty woman (words he heard from his dad) is only the start of it. Its no legacy to leave these children, they deserve a life free from his abuse of you and in turn them as well.

Go into settings on your browser and that should clear your history.

The only thing you did wrong was not running like the wind when he was an arsehole early in your relationship. You can't change that now, but you can change the future and get out of his control. He's a nasty, dangerous man and you can bet your boots that his difficult ex is just a nice, normal woman like you are, just that she'd had enough of his abuse.

Which search engine do you use? For Chrome, click the 3 vertical dots at the right of the bar at the top, select history, then delete browsing data.

Sorry to say, but I think this kind of dire relationship is most common when people choose a DH based on his level of physical attractiveness. You talk about how sexy and good looking your husband is, and you're both obviously very physically strong, athletic people (my goodness, you were nearly an Olympian!). When you do LTB, open up your dating life to people who you like on a personality level more than a physical one. You can grow to be attracted to a mediocre body or face on a loving, kind man, but you'll only grow sadder and more alone with a beautiful asshole.

I hear what you say about physical attractions. That's not what I was saying was the reason we got together. It was the other stuff first...I was pointing out that he's not a box of frogs!

As for DC, I don't know what he would do. He has already said that he is worried about them when they are with me (during a discussion about how he only sees 95% of our lives and how we rub along day to day). He is fond of telling me that I don't cope and how stressed I get (NOT true and I know it...it's taken me a few years to recognise that through the shit times). I cope very well and as well as any other frazzled mum of two. I use Laura Markham as my benchmark and strive to parent wellband empathically every day but I'm human and sleep deprived. When I refute his statements he just tells her that I can keep on telling myself that to convince myself and feel better. The speeding in Germany happened when we unexpectedly had to drive out with him (plan was we'd fly and he drive) because baby was poorly and doctor said play safe. Originally I'd said I was happy to take a suitcase on the plane and in front of the DC he said best you take as little as possible as you know how you don't cope and get really stressed. I was gobsmacked. So fucking patronising and demeaning and gives DC the message that mummy is incompetent.

Anyway I tried to continue the chat about the speeding when I came back from a few days away visiting my family and he just batted it back to me telling me how badly I treat him.etc. it felt pointless and luckily I was saved by the teething baby. We had a text exchange and he has neither acknowledged nor responded to it, just came to bed anyway and has been quite pleasant ever since (although got irritated when I was on my way to the loo naked on way to shower and he tried to grab me for a naked hug and I didn't really want one). He does waylay me at very inconvenient moments and gets moody when I am not all over him like a rash (I guess one reason he says I treat him badly).

I read your text messages last night. You're trying to appeal to him...you're telling him you love him...you're trying to fix things.

It all amounts to the same thing. "Do whatever you want...I'll stay and put up with it."

And maybe you will. That's your choice. Nothing you are saying there will make the slightest difference to his behaviour though.

This cunt who gaslights, bullies and endangers you and your kids.

I'm amazed you want to stay with this arsehole after contributing to your speeding thread.

Stay and the only outcome is misery. You can't fix him.

You are in a very unhealthy and destructive relationship, try and get out while you can. These things won't improve.

I speak from experience. When you get into a decent relationship you will wonder why the hell you stayed so long.

Would it help you to imagine a future scenario, in 10-15 years time? Most people don't change, he probably won't. What damage will he have done to you and to your children in that time?

Im also amazed you want to stay with him. He sounds like one of the most controlling and emotionally abusive twats I've ever read about on here. Youre friend saw right through him so he cut you off from her and all your other friends who also might have been able to open your eyes to what's really going on here.

Id suggest contacting the outspoken friend. See if she's willing to help you get out of this mess.

Hi Op, I've just found your thread and read through it.

Can I suggest you look at your first massive negative thread, then compare it with the very small positive thread, and then decide which outweighs the other.

Please listen to what other PP's have said - I can only second them and say please don't stay and get to an age where you look back and think 'I should have done ABC.........', instead of 'I'm glad I did xyz'!

You can't get back these years of negativity, you can't get back your childrens younger years to change them, you can only change what happens in the years going forwards.

OP the reason you don't talk to him and want to avoid an argument is because he intimidates, scorns and insults you if you confront him about his behaviour...isn't that the truth? You avoid expressing your opinions on his hurtful, selfish conduct because you are justifiably afraid of his reaction. How could you possibly be 'wrong' in wanting to avoid that?!
You are being manipulated and bullied my darling. That's how it works...he slowly corrodes your self belief until you are effectively apologising for failing to weather his abuse.

Sad face. I can only recommend you do some research and reading up on abusive relationships. There is a wealth of information from reputable sources online. xx

I'm extremely reluctant to leave because I just can't bear the idea of the children being away even for a night. DS is 5 and I've never spent a night away from him.

OK so your fear of missing your children is more important than their lifelong mental health. Have I got that right?

You're going to stay with a man who has already started to destroy your own child, you own little DS.... because you are afraid of missing that son if he's away from you?

How are you going to feel when DS is a grownup struggling with horrific mental health? How are you going to feel when he cries about his failed relationships? Or when his partner tells you that HE is abusing her dreadfully?

How are you going to feel when your baby DD grows up and phones you and tells you that a man is slowly corroding her self worth by bullying, manipulating and dismissing her? And gives you the same list of excuses to stay in that relationship that you're giving here?

How are you going to feel when your grandchildren end up mired in the same horrific hellscape of a family life that you are immersing your children in?

I think it's very sad what you are putting your children through, what they will end up suffering as adults, all out of fear of feeling temporarily sad when you're separated from them.

You do know that emotions are temporary right? Like, you don't die from missing people?

But people who grow up watching their mother be abused... that has a permanent effect on them. Do you realize that?

your kids are going to be seriously fucked up by this relationship. they will be taking everything on board and using it to pattern their future relationships. It will be their normal, they womnt know any different and until they need therapy in their 20s/30s40s they wont even realise that it is all wrong. Maybe they wont even realise, and will just carry on through life either abusing or being abused.
The relationship board is full of people in dysfunctional relationships and just about every single one of them was put there because of their dysfunctional and abusive family set up as a child. Look at the stately home threads. look at the lifelong damage it does.

Take them away and you can teach them to be strong, you can teach them to identify bad behaviour and name it, you can give them the self confidence to stand up for themselves and later, like my daughter did, to call out their fathers behaviour for what it was and refuse to see him again. I know she will not follow my steps into one abusive relationship after another, because I did not want her growing up and thinking the way he treated me was normal. If I stayed the shouting, the insults, the control would be what she felt comfortable with, would be what she sought out.

I'd really recommend you read 'why does he do that?' by Lundy Bancroft. It will really help you see his behaviour clearly for what it is.

It really is him, not you. Xx

Are those your children's names in the screenshot? You might want to report that post, you've already posted a fair bit of identifying information...

No advice except get away, you would be screwing your children up by staying. Good luck.

Thanks. I've reported it. I think I did that too hastily.

I am in a bit of a state of flux. He hasn't acknowledged or replied to my message but has been so solicitous and helpful and very loving since the exchange on Friday. Today he dropped me a message to ask how we were and I answered with what we were up to and then said you haven't answered my message...do you want to think about it and then let's set aside some time? Nothing. Just continued with being loving and helpful. Kind of feels like he's distracting me with it...I have an appointment on Thursday which I'm really worried about doing as I want things to be nice and on a level. I truly want a nice relationship and family and when things are good they're great...so I feel like I'm being destructive. DS starts school soon and I don't want him disrupted and I don't want to hurt DH either. Bleating now, I know.