Speeding husband...our problems are all my fault

[MissCommunication]

I don't know how or where to start. I've got another thread going about my DH driving really fast in Germany with the kids and I in the car and about his general fast driving. There is a lot else going on in our marriage and we are at a crisis point after I broached the subject of the speeding last weekend and he blew his top.

Our relationship has always been tricky. When we met he was going through a messy divorce and there was loads going on with his DD (then 9) and exW and we really suffered. I was told I made no effort and contributed a lot to the acrimony. DH (we got married 6 years ago, got together 8 years ago) has always made me feel like I do things wrong. An example early in our relationship was me going out for dinner for a friend's birthday supper. I gave an ETA not REALLY knowing how evening was going to pan out but sent regular updates becuase it was a ten course tasting menu and it was running over massively. When I got home the house was dark and he was "asleep"...you could cut the atmosphere in the bedroom with a knife and he wouldn't talk to me. Eventually told me how rude, selfish and inconsiderate I was for being later than I said.

I was training hard to get to the Olympics and he was very supportive, practically and financially (significant because I became reliant on him and have no savings of my own) and he was also dealing with a lot. I tried to be as supportive as I could but the situation became untenable and I ended it. He went ALL out to repair it so I went back. My Olympic dream shattered but a few weeks later I found out I was pregnant. Around the same time my best friend, who is a very opinionated, strong-willed and black and white person, was cut out from our lives because things blew up around her feeling he was controlling me and trapping me, and he felt she was getting in too close and was destructive. Basically he told me I wasn't to have any contact with her, which left me without my friends because she was an integral part of my group of friends and I wasn't able to see them naturally and normally. Feeling depressed and hormonal and alone throughout pregnancy and baby days, I became very unwell. I wasn't sleeping with the baby and DH was training for an Ironman. It was a terrible spiral and I became more and more depressed. When I saw my friend in the street I mentioned it to DH because I was afraid he'd find out and be angry and I felt it best to be up front, and he went off, I was begging and sobbing and so it went on, self harming and crying and not sleeping and generally awful. One day it all got too much as it was happening so often and I decided to end it all. Attempt 1. A few weeks later I tried again in my car but bottled it. To my complete and utter shame, I had also lashed out at DH and walloped him in sheer and utter frustration and hopelessness. That was unforgiveable. I felt driven into such a corner and bashing myself around the head on brick walls, rolling pins, fists, anything that came to hand was just as bad. I must say that I have never ever hurt or touched the children. Ever.

Anyway, I got medication and started to feel much better and drink a lot less. Things didn't improve in terms of the rows but I harmed less. A friend took her own life through hanging and it was a terrible shock, and I connected with DH a bit more through the sadness, although only a few weeks previously I'd planned to leave him. Cue unexpected pregnancy. I was in turmoil about whether to keep the baby given the terrible state of our marriage but I wrote a letter to him and really laid it on the line that I was choosing it and we choose each other, warts and all. He didn't acknowledge it really although we were in counselling (not that it has made much difference).

The pregnancy somehow reset me and I am no longer depressed or medicated. I am strong and feel so much better. Baby is now 1 year old and a petal. I have committed not to fight or shout in front of the children after DS (aged 5) called me a nasty woman and there's only one place he heard that. DH blames me for everything...says I don't cope, can't cope, treat him badly, treat the children badly, am inconsistent, my behaviour is disgusting etc etc. I admit that I have done things wrong. I have been moody at 8am when DH comes bouncing down the stairs at 8am when I've been up with one or both kids and the day has started at 5am for me. I wasn't given the support with DS (first baby) and felt so alone with no network around me - our families live far away (Brazil and Africa and nearest family is 2 hours away) but I am doing so much better now in every way. I admit that when DH does things that anger me such as fuck about on his phone for hours while I deal with the children and then blames me for preventing him from spending time with them, I don't talk about it and bottle it up which is probably why he says I'm nasty and moody and treat him badly.

I've done things wrong and have my flaws. I can't write any more because I never get time to myself and kids are playing up and DH will be back soon and my window of opportunity has gone now. I've left so much out but tried to be balanced. I'm sorry if this is garbled. I've not given the story from last night as I can't right now but wil update when I next get a chance.

Hi, OP.
How are you? Hope you and the kids are alright.

Hi

I had to name change for a while but I am the OP. I just wanted to update you and say that I ended it a month ago. We are living in the same house but STBXH won't move out. He's being his usual controlling self, wanting to be the one to petition evennthiugh my petition went in and I've cited everything...the speeding, the groping in front of the children, the jokes aboit killing me, the financial and emotional control...and he doesn't like it. I have a SHL who i think will look after me and I think we might be able to get us away to live near my family but he's not recommending just upping sticks (even though women's aid told me to go to a refuge).

Unfortunate STBXH has upped the interest in the children and is now playing the interested father, love bombing them with time and gifts and attention which on the one hand is great because (being generous) they get the father they never had but is also confusing and unsettling. My DS has a neurological condition and is severely hypermobile and STBXH hasn't bothered with hospital appointments, specialist treatments or much at all but is now concerned about all aspects and has started trying to push DS hard to strengthen him physically which is utterly inappropriate (think 2 hour walk over 3.5 miles in 25 degree heat over uneven terrain climbing over roots and muddy banks etc resulting in a distressed and exhausted child who lost the plot completely when he was with me that afternoon), implying that I basically haven't bothered with him and has stated I am bordering on criminal.and child cruelty. This is in relation to the fact tgat DS is TERRIBLE with food. Always has been. It's actually more like an aversion and it has been a source of constant stress and worry for 4+ years. Sometimes he gets an Ella's organic pouch with cheese on toast or even cereal (with whole milk laced withh double cream) for supper if i know I'm on a hiding to nothing and the alternative is him refusing to eat altogether. STBXH forgets he has done exactly the same and only last week gave DS a croissant and nutella for supper. He's a prize tool.

Anyway so many of you habe been so wonderful and I thank you for opening my eyes and giving me knowledge and tools, not to mention courage. I fantasise about a little place for the DC and me, where the days are not tense and uncomfortable. In some ways it's worse living in the same house but the relief that I don't have to worry about what I'm going to do wrong next or if I haven't responded to him in the right way is huge. The road will be awful as he will try to break me but I'm finding an inner strength he has beaten down and I thought I had lost forever.

Any advice as to how to move forward (SHL bills are HUGE already and we've only just got started) and how to get us out in the best and most legal way gratefully received...any family lawyers out there? I worry that if we go even with this safeguarding issue now with DS, STBXH will get a court order forcing me to bring the DC back. I haven't done the refuge because I want to keep consistency but narc STBXH is now feeding his ego off my poor children and in particular my little boy who has no defences. STBXH has even bought an activity tracker for DS ffs.

I want us out of here. But trying to box clever as my brother would say.

Get thee signed up on the wikivorce forum. I used them A LOT during my divorce.

Keep your chin up op x

I'm so pleased that you are making progress! I have no practical advice though, hopefully someone else will be able to help!

Its great that you have ended things. Big step forward.

Please take Women's Aid advice and get to a shelter and get your kids AWAY from this monster.
He is cruel, nasty and horrible to them, and doing his best to alienate them from you.
Once you're in a shelter, and safe, please see about getting a restraining order against him for you and the kids.

Hi all

Another update.

Since our separation I have been thinking about how to move forward. Life has been very very difficult and STBXH has upped the ante even more. He scrutinis and criticised everything I do with the children. He makes digs and comments and it has got to the point where even his DD 18 has shouted at me for asking her to check if it's ok to use the shower in my en-suite. When I said it's just a courtesy she shouted "I don't have to ask you. You don't pay for anything". She is waltzing round like she owns the place.

The constant psychological torture has got terrible and I was very sick with what turned out to be strep throat. It got to crunch point after STBXH made a random doctor's appointment for DS having never ONCE been involved ever in the making, keeping and following up of appointments and basically intimidating me in the surgery reception when I went in for a letter. The following morning I was going downstairs and from the landing He said "are you ok. Your balance is off and your speech is sluggish". I said I am unwell. I double checked what I thought he'd said and he also said my speech is slurred and has been all week. I knew exactly what he was insinuating. It just carried on to the point that I was scared of doing anythung wuth the dc for fear of what might come back on me. Then I found out by chance he was seeing his father from whom he has been estranged for over three years saying be never wants a man like him to be with our DC. This reconciliation has occurred the same week that I proposed a relocation to near my mum where there's a lot of family support. So basically he has escalated the emotional abuse and come Saturday night I was at the end of my tether. I left a message with women's aid and they called in the morning, put me in touch with the nearest most suitable refuge, I had a risk assessment and was offered a place within an hour and here we are. Out. Safe. But it goes on.

I asked for a non molestation order and occupation order as I think the children should be at home but not with him there. We went to court yesterday and I got the nmo but they want him to have notice on the occupation order. So we are back on Monday. In the meantime he has applied for an order to force us out of the refuge and into the house again. He has told the hugest bunch of lies and where there is an element of truth he had exaggerated so wildly it would be laughable if it weren't so dangerous and awful. I'm sitting here bricking it. And wondering if I've made a huge mistake and imagined the whole thing.

Surely the court can't force us back?

I don't want us to be here. Why would I go through this? Why would they have given us a place? I want my DS back in school. I want them to be at home. They are fine and happy for now but this can't carry on.

He's basically saying I am completely insane and I have made it all up and I'm u fit to have the children.

Help. I'm so scared. But at least I never have to live with him and his shitty DD ever again. But it's the children. He wants them away from me altogether. How can I prove the years of coercive control and abuse? For example I've attempted suicide twice but that was more than 4 years ago qnf he's saying it's more than 20 times. I'd have thought I would have managed it eventually after so many goes at it or actually been sectioned for my own and the children's safety?

I'm so sorry! Hang in there. The refuge and Women's Aid will have been through all this before. They will know what to do.

Hopefully someone with personal experience and knowledge will be along soon!

Stay strong, you know you are right.

Do you realise you are posting under a different name? Does it matter?

Your medical records will be all he can prove. If they say you attempted suicide twice, then that's it. The courts tend to look coldly at wild, demonstrably untrue, claims.

Women's Aid have a LOT of experience of helping women detail what has been going on behind closed doors. You've already managed to detail a lot of it in your threads. And you have witnesses to at least some of his behaviour, people have been concerned for you in the past.

Afaik, no court is going to force you out of a refuge and back to live with the man you are saying is abusive.

Afaik a court could not insist you move back - he's just huffing and puffing.

Are you back in touch with your friends? I'm pretty sure they would be pleased to support you now, as they can see you genuinely want to get away.

If he’s lied about it, he can’t prove it. As a pp poster said, the court won’t take kindly to wild exaggeration.

Breathe. The more he lies, the more he digs himself a hole. Keep a cool head and document every lie.

He's running scared, that's why he's being so aggressive. He knows he's losing control.

Hi everyone

Pickle I stopped using the previous name as I got paranoid that he was accessing EVERYTHING. But I started to get desperate for advice and I couldn't get the user name back.

Even just reading things back on here reminds me of why I've had to leave particularly because of the unbelievable volte face re the children. He's turned into Disney Dad. I've been so unsupported and yes, there are times when I've preferred to do things a certain way because I know it works but I would have loved a husband who came to things with us. Instead I got someone who either lavished gifts or holidays or affection or didn't speak to me for days, told me I didn't cope and shouted and screamed at the children all the time, who made me question whether the nice calm day the children and I had had was in fact a figment of my imagination and I'd been a vile and raging harridon all day. It would upset me and then I'd be told how aggressive and rude and selfish and nasty I was if I defended myself strongly. Or then I'd be driven so bonkers I'd slam my head into a wall and bleed. It was just so awful. I've been great for more than three years now but the gaslighting and accusations and abuse still carried on. I just didn't hurt myself or lash out at him any more.

And here we are. He will stop at nothing to break me. My mum's DP found a review of working at his firm and apparently the MD (him) rules through fear, it's his way or the highway, he has webcams monitoring all desks not for security but to verify time at desk etc etc.

Anyone come out of this in one piece?

Christ. I really hope every woman in the uk reads this. Heads up...if a bloke is after you and going through messy divorce, with kids and it’s all the exW fault...read this. He’s going to do the same to you one day. Proof is here. Steer clear of messy divorce blokes. The ex can’t stand him for a very good reason!! Avoid like the plague!

Flappy, I think you might want to start a new thread "strong women wanted- abusive ex - survivors gather here!"

You are so strong to have got away despite his best efforts to confuse you, demoralise you, eventually destroy you.

You are a survivor. All that determination and grit from your sport training will help you. There is a thread here somewhere about a woman planning to get away from her husband. I'll try and find a link.

I've just RTWT and I want to say how inspired I am by your courage and your devotion to your DC. You rock, OP. Good for you!

Flappy I missed your name change but remembered your original post. I’m so glad you got out. Thinking of you, try not to worry. The more he lies the more he’ll be tripped up.

Thank you so much everyone. He's still got this hold over me. I went to see.the friend who i was cut off from (I would have agreed to anything at the time just to stop feeling so wretched and awful, begging him and apologising if I saw her in the street etc) today as coincidentally she's onky about 45 mins from the refuge and I spent much of the journey there and back chewing my fingers worried about going and what the consequences would be. He wanted to see the DC this weekend but we are a good 2+ hours away AND I've got to get them to my mum (2+ hours in a mother direction and 2+ hours away from court...a sort of triangle configuration) so she can have them while I'm in court on Monday trying to get an occupation order so the children can be at home and he is out. I suggested a phone call each day and I'm scared about what DS will say aboit where we were. He wouldn't guess where we are but he would know where she is because he knows what town she lives in and could find out very easily. We were supposed to go to my mum tomorrow but ive had to delay it. I wanted the kids to have day or two to settle in so I can be away for a day without worrying.

I spend ever minute feeling wretched and guilty that I've brought them here even though they are overall doing fine. I worry what he's telling people. Worry what he's going to throw at me next. Worry that it's all for nothing. The desperation leaks out of the walls. It's not horrible. I think it's very nice in comparison with many although I don't ACTUALLY know having never been in a refuge before.

Anyway. I keep questioning my sanity. But reading my threads back and remembering the punishment cycles and everything else is helping a bit.

It's natural to worry, they are sensible things to worry about. There comes a point when you have done all you can and there is no point worrying any more.

Try and look forward to a time when this is all in the past. It will come.

Dear and wonderful Mumsnetters

Some of you may remember me from a couple of years ago when I wrote about the awful and miserable situation I was in with my abusive (speeding, groping, throat holding, slimy and narcissistic and now EX) husband. So many of you wrote and gave me support, head wobbles and pointers in the right directions and so I wanted to write and give you an update over two years on.

I left him in May 2018, and after six weeks of absolute hell living with a sustained campaign by him and his daughter (who was drafted in sometimes in the middle of the night without my knowledge) to send me over the edge, I escaped with the DC to a refuge with the help of Women’s Aid. We were there for ten days after which he relented and moved out of the family home. We went back and there ensued the most acrimonious and terrible court battles.

I was dragged through forensic psychological evaluations where he tried to prove my insanity when his efforts to have me sectioned didn’t work…needless to say the assessment came back normal, with the silent subtext that it was down to his abuse that I manifested any unsettled behaviours.

Anyway, £100,000 later and losing the fight to prevent 50/50 care - not because I don’t agree to the DC having a relationship with their father but because he screamed at me in the kitchen on the day I left him that if he could get away with it he would take the DC away from me altogether, having neglected us terribly and never been involved with the DC AT ALL - we are in our new little cottage, with a new life and a new future ahead of us. It breaks my heart that they will eventually be with him 50/50 because I know it’s not what he wants, but he pushed for it knowing that it will hurt me the most so it feeds his ego. I committed myself to our babies and their upbringing and I feel that has been snatched away by a bitter and twisted man who is bent on revenge and causing pain and upset.

I still have a lot of decisions to make in terms of career moves and how I get a mortgage and what I do with my life but the journey of divorce and abuse is over and I couldn’t be more grateful to MN and the people who held my hand through the process of leaving the most vile individual I could ever imagine.

Thank you so much, all of you. You helped me see what was happening to me when I knew something was terribly, terribly wrong but couldn’t understand what. Women (and men) who are coerced and abused need sites like this to ensure our safety and that of our children.

I pray that eventually the children come back to me more when he gets bored and has a new focus for his attention, but until then I need to make sure that I am the best mother and role model that I can be and it is thanks to you that I have half a chance of doing that, in due course.

Lots of love and hope that everyone is doing OK in the circs with that bitch Rona xxx

Wow @Flappypants that's quite an update. Glad things are sounding more positive, except for the 50/50 bit, and maybe he won't stick to it once he gets bored of it anyway? You're an inspiration, I hope other women in similar situations read what you've written and get the strength to take action.

called me a nasty woman and there's only one place he heard that. DH blames me for everything...says I don't cope, can't cope,

This is emotional abuse OP. He's using your previous mental health problems against you, and even risked turning your DC against you and into the habit (his habit) of verbally abusing you.

He sounds absolutely awful and I think you need to leave to help to ensure your future mental health. You are doing ok now but he is not going to help you stay that way. xxx I know you say you have a lot of support for your MH, but leaving this man is another thing you can do. Taking care of your wellbeing will help your DC.

treat him badly when he offers affection and I can't reciprocate it enthusiastically

That sounds manipulative and coercive. If you're not in the mood you're not in the mood and you're not doing anything wrong. x

Sorry, I tried to read the OP/thread without my glasses on so didn't see how much there was.

Well done for leaving xxx

It breaks my heart that they will eventually be with him 50/50 because I know it’s not what he wants,

As you hope, god willing he'll soon realiize that isn't for him. x

Hi Flappy. Thank you very much for the update. I posted earlier on on your thread (with a different username) and I'm so glad to hear that you have got away from your dh and now have a better life.