I don't know how or where to start. I've got another thread going about my DH driving really fast in Germany with the kids and I in the car and about his general fast driving. There is a lot else going on in our marriage and we are at a crisis point after I broached the subject of the speeding last weekend and he blew his top.
Our relationship has always been tricky. When we met he was going through a messy divorce and there was loads going on with his DD (then 9) and exW and we really suffered. I was told I made no effort and contributed a lot to the acrimony. DH (we got married 6 years ago, got together 8 years ago) has always made me feel like I do things wrong. An example early in our relationship was me going out for dinner for a friend's birthday supper. I gave an ETA not REALLY knowing how evening was going to pan out but sent regular updates becuase it was a ten course tasting menu and it was running over massively. When I got home the house was dark and he was "asleep"...you could cut the atmosphere in the bedroom with a knife and he wouldn't talk to me. Eventually told me how rude, selfish and inconsiderate I was for being later than I said.
I was training hard to get to the Olympics and he was very supportive, practically and financially (significant because I became reliant on him and have no savings of my own) and he was also dealing with a lot. I tried to be as supportive as I could but the situation became untenable and I ended it. He went ALL out to repair it so I went back. My Olympic dream shattered but a few weeks later I found out I was pregnant. Around the same time my best friend, who is a very opinionated, strong-willed and black and white person, was cut out from our lives because things blew up around her feeling he was controlling me and trapping me, and he felt she was getting in too close and was destructive. Basically he told me I wasn't to have any contact with her, which left me without my friends because she was an integral part of my group of friends and I wasn't able to see them naturally and normally. Feeling depressed and hormonal and alone throughout pregnancy and baby days, I became very unwell. I wasn't sleeping with the baby and DH was training for an Ironman. It was a terrible spiral and I became more and more depressed. When I saw my friend in the street I mentioned it to DH because I was afraid he'd find out and be angry and I felt it best to be up front, and he went off, I was begging and sobbing and so it went on, self harming and crying and not sleeping and generally awful. One day it all got too much as it was happening so often and I decided to end it all. Attempt 1. A few weeks later I tried again in my car but bottled it. To my complete and utter shame, I had also lashed out at DH and walloped him in sheer and utter frustration and hopelessness. That was unforgiveable. I felt driven into such a corner and bashing myself around the head on brick walls, rolling pins, fists, anything that came to hand was just as bad. I must say that I have never ever hurt or touched the children. Ever.
Anyway, I got medication and started to feel much better and drink a lot less. Things didn't improve in terms of the rows but I harmed less. A friend took her own life through hanging and it was a terrible shock, and I connected with DH a bit more through the sadness, although only a few weeks previously I'd planned to leave him. Cue unexpected pregnancy. I was in turmoil about whether to keep the baby given the terrible state of our marriage but I wrote a letter to him and really laid it on the line that I was choosing it and we choose each other, warts and all. He didn't acknowledge it really although we were in counselling (not that it has made much difference).
The pregnancy somehow reset me and I am no longer depressed or medicated. I am strong and feel so much better. Baby is now 1 year old and a petal. I have committed not to fight or shout in front of the children after DS (aged 5) called me a nasty woman and there's only one place he heard that. DH blames me for everything...says I don't cope, can't cope, treat him badly, treat the children badly, am inconsistent, my behaviour is disgusting etc etc. I admit that I have done things wrong. I have been moody at 8am when DH comes bouncing down the stairs at 8am when I've been up with one or both kids and the day has started at 5am for me. I wasn't given the support with DS (first baby) and felt so alone with no network around me - our families live far away (Brazil and Africa and nearest family is 2 hours away) but I am doing so much better now in every way. I admit that when DH does things that anger me such as fuck about on his phone for hours while I deal with the children and then blames me for preventing him from spending time with them, I don't talk about it and bottle it up which is probably why he says I'm nasty and moody and treat him badly.
I've done things wrong and have my flaws. I can't write any more because I never get time to myself and kids are playing up and DH will be back soon and my window of opportunity has gone now. I've left so much out but tried to be balanced. I'm sorry if this is garbled. I've not given the story from last night as I can't right now but wil update when I next get a chance.