Am I being needy or is this a bit crap?

[WildBelle]

Been seeing a guy I met OLD for a couple of months. Really like him, he ticks far more of my boxes than anyone else I've met. We chatted on the phone for a few weeks before we had a chance to meet up, and we'd end up chatting for hours most nights, I think 4 was the record! After we met, and it was all systems go, we carried on chatting every night without fail for a good while.

Maybe 2/3 weeks ago contact seemed to die out a bit. We'd still whatsapp a few times a day, but phone calls turned into more like every other day, and would generally be a lot shorter. I started getting paranoid that he wasn't as keen but when we saw each other (usually a couple of times a week) things were just as amazing as they were before and I thought maybe I was being daft.

We went away for a few days and got back on Wednesday, and I haven't spoken to him since then. The reason we don't speak so much now is that his dd likes him to lie with her while she goes to sleep, and then he ends up falling asleep too.

I know he's got a lot on his plate (he's on his own with 3 kids most of the time and working full time), so he's knackered. I also know that the level of talking we did - hours every night - isn't sustainable long term. But to me it's important that we speak every day, even if it's just a catch up for a few minutes, and I try to make sure that happens, but it seems like more often than not now he's already passed out. He's said to me that to him, relationships are every day things, and if you can't see each other then you need to at least talk, but it seems that's not happening.

Do you think I'm being unreasonable in my expectations here? I worry that I like him more than he likes me and that can only end badly for me.

There's nothing wrong with your expectations, however maybe they don't match up with a dude who has 3 kids most of the time and works full time. It probably won't be satisfying for you.

Maybe lower your expectations or get out now and find someone who isn't as tied down.

YANBU, A text takes seconds. X

YANBU, A text takes seconds. X

Maybe lowering my expectations is the way forward :(

He does text, and sent me an apologetic message first thing this morning about falling asleep last night. I replied by saying I'm getting used to it. Guess I've been a bit sulky all day and not as on it with the messaging him as I usually am. Haven't heard from him tonight, was hoping he'd actually make the effort to stay awake and call me.

3 kids as a single parent and a full time job, and he was away with you 2 days ago?
Yes, I think your expectations are a little high. I would find you a little needy, to be honest. But if that is what you want, say so, and be willing to look again for someone who can give you what you need
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also, do you call him or just wait for him to call you and then get sulky when he doesn't?

I generally always try to call him at some point in the evening, if I haven't already heard from him. Tonight is the first night I haven't because I wanted to see if he would make the effort.

If he doesn't make any contact in a day (text,call,message etc) then maybe you could be reasonably annoyed but if he has text you but not called then I think YABU. He has a lot on his plate by the sounds of it.

Thanks, it's good to get some other opinions. I suppose I'm just worried that to begin with he would ALWAYS find the time to speak to me, now it's becoming a rarity. He was just as busy back then. He texted early evening to ask how my day had been, I was just hoping that I would actually get to speak to him today.

I think his life is full on. He must be knackered at the end of each day working full time and looking after 3 kids. From what you've said he does get in contact each day? Whether its a text or a call? I think you need to cut him some slack here, if you don't he will get sick of you getting pissy he can't speak on the phone for hours every night. The he may not even text any more.

Yep I always hear from him through messaging. It's reassuring to be told IABU...I really bloody like him and I'm scared of getting hurt I guess.

I think you need to step back a bit. I think there is nothing worse than someone who is needy. Put it this way. He has three children who 'need' him already. He doesn't need someone he feels he has to be in touch with 24/7 becoming another chore. If you dont give him some space, he will end it. Just be really careful you dont drive him away.

Maybe he doesnt want to phone you because he doesnt want to be on the phone for ages? Maybe he doesnt want to be rude. If he has 3 children, no way can be on that time.

Personally speaking I think at this early stage daily contact is too full on...but that's me.

I know he has a lot on his plate, so yes you're probably all right. I suppose I have to make the decision to either accept that or think again if I want more than he can give.

I think if it had always been like this I'd accept that's just how it is, but it's the way that talking every day was a definite thing we did and now it's not that makes me paranoid.

Talking every day would be hard to sustain with a ft job and three dc though. He can't be getting much of an evening if he's lying down with his dc to help them go to sleep

Sometimes a tired person just doesn't have much to say about their day. It's the daily grind and it's uninspiring. Sometimes we don't have reserves enough to be warm or funny or insightful. Sometimes we just need to be quiet and still.

We never seem to struggle for stuff to say, it's just keeping his eyes open for long enough to get around to talking that's the issue! His youngest dc is 7 so they're not babies but I know that they have to take priority.

In your previous relationships, have you always been keen to have several-times- daily contact? It does seem a bit needy - and it's possible that what you need is something else to occupy your time so you aren't constantly fixating on My New Relationship and Where It's Going. This chap seems to have a lot of demands on his time and energy, and a whining girlfriend constantly texting and demanding his attention could quite quickly start to get on his tits.

To be fair, it's usually him that messages me first throughout the day. And then he's always disappointed the next day if we haven't spoken on the phone because he says he also wanted to speak to me...but he crashes out.

I'm guessing you don't have kids? I think you need to think about this very carefully. I don't think that him texting rather phoning means he's not as keen, but it is an indication that he has a lot going on in his life and you will have to accept that he won't have the time for long chats on the phone.

If that's what you need in a relationship, that's fine, but it really doesn't match with someone with 3 DCs and a full time job. You need to decide whether you're happy someone who won't be able to put you at the top of the priority list. Tbh, it's why I only really dated men who had DC and understand the level of juggling that entails.

Yes I'm a single parent to 2 dc and work too.

Some men are just not big communicators. Some women too but generally men .
They might ring to ask what's for tea , let you know they will be home at 6pm , just left the office, they may ask if you need them to pick something up . Jobs done .
Maybe he's running out of things to say .

That many hours on the phone isn't very sustainable for anyone realistically.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder ?

How did he manage to talk on the phone for four hours a night when he had DC at the beginning?

I'm afraid I would go crazy if someone expected me to call them everyday! He's in touch daily by text - given you both have DC and work full time I think that's plenty!