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Original poster

Am I being needy or is this a bit crap?

169 replies

WildBelle · 11/08/2017 23:40

Been seeing a guy I met OLD for a couple of months. Really like him, he ticks far more of my boxes than anyone else I've met. We chatted on the phone for a few weeks before we had a chance to meet up, and we'd end up chatting for hours most nights, I think 4 was the record! After we met, and it was all systems go, we carried on chatting every night without fail for a good while.

Maybe 2/3 weeks ago contact seemed to die out a bit. We'd still whatsapp a few times a day, but phone calls turned into more like every other day, and would generally be a lot shorter. I started getting paranoid that he wasn't as keen but when we saw each other (usually a couple of times a week) things were just as amazing as they were before and I thought maybe I was being daft.

We went away for a few days and got back on Wednesday, and I haven't spoken to him since then. The reason we don't speak so much now is that his dd likes him to lie with her while she goes to sleep, and then he ends up falling asleep too.

I know he's got a lot on his plate (he's on his own with 3 kids most of the time and working full time), so he's knackered. I also know that the level of talking we did - hours every night - isn't sustainable long term. But to me it's important that we speak every day, even if it's just a catch up for a few minutes, and I try to make sure that happens, but it seems like more often than not now he's already passed out. He's said to me that to him, relationships are every day things, and if you can't see each other then you need to at least talk, but it seems that's not happening.

Do you think I'm being unreasonable in my expectations here? I worry that I like him more than he likes me and that can only end badly for me.

OP posts:
Trollspoopglitter · 12/08/2017 05:49

I disagree, having dated these types before.

They chase, they establish the ridicilous amount of contact right from the start and when they're certain they have you use to it - they go cold.

When you question it, are confused by it, interpret it correctly as lack of interest - you get told you're being ridicilously needy and you end up doubting himself.

Just like all these women here are doing to you. Busy parents with 3 children cant text and chat for hours one week and be so tired they routinely fall asleep at 8pm the next week. Not unless he alternates residency a week at a time and Ive missed it.

Go cold on him. If he's a player, he'll start ramping it up again. If he's genuine, he will want to communicate about his availability and what expectations you both have in a relationship and try to see if you're compatible.

There is nothing wrong with sending texts every hour. There is nothing wrong with sending text once a week. As long as both people are happy with the level of communication.

Trollspoopglitter · 12/08/2017 05:49

yourself

Columbine1 · 12/08/2017 05:58

Its 2 months in - such early days - you need to chill & just see what happens. Far to early to get so overinvested. You are over thinking this. Relationships are not defined by the precise amount of communication - OLD created ridiculous expectations in this regard - how does it FEEL?

jeaux90 · 12/08/2017 06:19

Single parent with full on job here too. I don't speak to my OH every day.

Once I have been home and done bedtime I have some work to do and really don't want to talk to anyone. Even though when we are together we can talk for England and I do love him very much.

We use whatsapp a lot in the interim of seeing each other and probably talk twice a week. We see each other once or twice a week. This relationship has been over a year.

All comes down to what you want and your expectations

Angelf1sh · 12/08/2017 06:58

People are more willing to put a lot of effort into contact before meeting someone OLD. Once they've met they feel they don't need to spend hours talking anymore because they know if they fancy them or not. It doesn't sound like he's ghosting you so I'd just assume that now he knows there's a connection, he's not going to add 4-hour phonecall to his list of daily tasks if 25 minutes and a couple of texts will do. Personally I think that's entirely reasonable of him but you might not. You need to decide if this is enough for you.

Horsemad · 12/08/2017 07:01

Does he ever get a break from the 3 DC - do they go to their mum or it just full on caring, him & the kids and a ft job?

OliviaStabler · 12/08/2017 07:09

I think that you were both full on in the first flush of making a close connection. Now things are settling down, as they do, you need to accept that he may not be able to sustain the level of contact you had at first.

Give him space and let things settle naturally. If he doesn't contact you for one day, it is no big deal.

SpartacusSaiman · 12/08/2017 07:19

Op where do you see this going?

If you are looking for a serious relationship, this may not be the one. He has 3 kids, you have 2. You want more attention than he feels able to give. How will you feel if you all live together? And he is isnt giving you the attention you want with 5 kids around.

It may not be your expectations. But they may not be compatible with his life at the moment.

happydays00 · 12/08/2017 07:25

OP , if he's making contact of some sort every day I think you can relax a bit. You have also just been away with him. Try and chill out a bit, he's got 3DC, he doesn't need someone else "sulking" because he hasn't called them

ThinkIlikeit · 12/08/2017 07:46

At the start he was probably excited and over enthusiastic but that level of contact could never be sustained. If he has just been away with you he probably doesn't feel the need to be in such close contact.

One of the things I hated about online dating was all the texts and calls, often before we had even met.

I think you had better get used to it as he obviously has a busy lifestyle and may well be crashing out with the kids and you are just getting to know the real him.

TheNaze73 · 12/08/2017 08:13

You're both busy. Take a step back. He doesn't sound like a player to me, just human

category12 · 12/08/2017 08:37

Remains to be seen, I think. It may be that he set unrealistic expectations in the initial stages with the amount of contact and just can't sustain it. Or he might be less interested now he has you hooked.

Probably the first, but that he's not openly saying that is a concern. I'd want him not to be saying sorry while sustaining the hopes he'll phone and regularly disappointing, but saying "sorry, let's reset expectations and go from there" . If he's constantly letting you down but expecting you to swallow it, it's not very nice.

LesisMiserable · 12/08/2017 09:34

You are being a bit needy. You're only a couple of months in and you shouldn't be reliant on a nightly phone call to determine your attitude towards him. He sounds like a good guy and I think you need to be quite careful not to push him away if you like him. His priorities are bang on at this stage and I think you need to respect him for that.

Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt · 12/08/2017 09:36

I think it's a bit crap myself but for a slightly different reason than you've mentioned. In the first flush of a relationship you're both finding out about each other and in 'sales mode' for want of a better expression - still making an effort etc. This 'phase' tends to be about six months or so then you start to settle down a bit (bring out the comfy knickers!) and the real you starts to peep through - this is where the real compatibility checks kick in for me.

It's only natural that the marathon phone calls wear off quickly but if he can't muster the energy for a quick hello when he says this is important to him then either he's cooling off or showing you who he really is. From what you've said this could simply be who he is. Someone who doesn't call much and crashes in the evening.

I think that if he's already falling asleep every night on the sofa to the point that he can't call you then what's he going to be like in six months' time? Do you want to be with someone who's fast asleep on the sofa most evenings? I wouldn't but that's just me. I didn't fall asleep on the sofa after a day of commuting, working and cooking with two girls at home. XH didn't crash. Mum and Dad didn't with 4 kids around. It's not what I'm used to and I wouldn't want that in a partner. That said it might be some else's idea of heaven - snuggling up on the sofa to snooze together.

None of us is perfect but it's finding compatible imperfections that's the tough bit!

LesisMiserable · 12/08/2017 09:38

Bearing in mind he has three children and the youngest is 7 he like the rest of us in bang in the middle of school holidays and crashing out when they've gone to sleep is absolutely a legitimate response to be honest. Boring but true.

ChickenBhuna · 12/08/2017 09:41

Talk to him. Tell him your concerns , tell him you understand the demands of small children also.

Why not even make a regular time for a phone call. A time that suits you both.that way there are no unfair expectations on either side.

loveyoutothemoon · 12/08/2017 09:42

I think you are expecting too much. If you don't speak the odd times a text is reasonable and should be reassuring that everything is OK. You are coming across as needy, sorry.

Original poster
WildBelle · 12/08/2017 10:28

Thanks for the responses. Still not heard from him, was expecting to have a message when I woke up today but nothing, even though I can see he's been online.

Re the kids, he is supposed to have them about 60% of the time but his ex generally tries to wriggle out of at least some of the time she has them, and they seem to prefer being with him as he has stayed in the marital home so he will agree to have them (if he doesn't she will sort another less than ideal option out).

Aargh I hate this! Think maybe we are having a stand off about who will get in touch first.

OP posts:
pictish · 12/08/2017 11:12

I wouldn't. You have made your interest known...now be cool.

LesisMiserable · 12/08/2017 11:35

I think the best thing to do is not think of it as a stand off. Communication is firstly a means to an end and secondly a way of connecting and bonding, its not a tool to beat each other with in a healthy relationship....he knows you're about....when he gets in touch, if you're pleased to hear from him,be receptive without being reliant. Your days cant revolve around contact from him any more than his can around contact from you, that way madness lies.

ChickenBhuna · 12/08/2017 11:46

When you say online do you mean old or fb?

If old then I'd be inclined to say that you perhaps should have a chat about where you stand with him. I know closing accounts differs in time period for each relationship but it does need to be talked about. I mean , are you both seeing others still?

Original poster
WildBelle · 12/08/2017 11:51

I mean on whatsapp.

I folded and sent him a message over an hour ago asking if he was alright, he saw it straight away and has been online again since but no response. Guess I'll just leave it now. Not sure how we went from having a really perfect few days away to not speaking.

OP posts:
Original poster
WildBelle · 12/08/2017 11:52

Neither of us are active on any dating sites, we did that as soon as we met really.

OP posts:
OutToGetYou · 12/08/2017 11:57

Just call him?

I'm confused how you both found time to have four hour phone chats at the start anyway.

ChickenBhuna · 12/08/2017 11:58

I know many will disagree with me here but I would just ask where you stand with him. I don't think it's needy to ask that question , it's rather liberating to be prepared for either answer when you ask it as well.

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