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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being needy or is this a bit crap?

169 replies

WildBelle · 11/08/2017 23:40

Been seeing a guy I met OLD for a couple of months. Really like him, he ticks far more of my boxes than anyone else I've met. We chatted on the phone for a few weeks before we had a chance to meet up, and we'd end up chatting for hours most nights, I think 4 was the record! After we met, and it was all systems go, we carried on chatting every night without fail for a good while.

Maybe 2/3 weeks ago contact seemed to die out a bit. We'd still whatsapp a few times a day, but phone calls turned into more like every other day, and would generally be a lot shorter. I started getting paranoid that he wasn't as keen but when we saw each other (usually a couple of times a week) things were just as amazing as they were before and I thought maybe I was being daft.

We went away for a few days and got back on Wednesday, and I haven't spoken to him since then. The reason we don't speak so much now is that his dd likes him to lie with her while she goes to sleep, and then he ends up falling asleep too.

I know he's got a lot on his plate (he's on his own with 3 kids most of the time and working full time), so he's knackered. I also know that the level of talking we did - hours every night - isn't sustainable long term. But to me it's important that we speak every day, even if it's just a catch up for a few minutes, and I try to make sure that happens, but it seems like more often than not now he's already passed out. He's said to me that to him, relationships are every day things, and if you can't see each other then you need to at least talk, but it seems that's not happening.

Do you think I'm being unreasonable in my expectations here? I worry that I like him more than he likes me and that can only end badly for me.

OP posts:
ChickenBhuna · 12/08/2017 15:13

If you believe him then you believe him OP , it does sound like hard work for the beginning stage of a relationship though.

ijustwantfiveminutespeace · 12/08/2017 15:14

I thought if you cancelled then every thing would be deleted from the system not just hidden?
Tricky situation but I would go with your gut.
What is it saying to you???
Big hugs x

Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt · 12/08/2017 15:21

Now you've shown him you've checked up on his dating profile activity do watch out for some continued resentment on his part and more covert behaviour re phones etc. God that sounds so negative but I've been round the block and through the wringer with OLD and twattish behaviour. I feel for you OP.

IHopeYourCakeIsShit · 12/08/2017 15:21

If you believe him then it's not an issue, although I think if a relationship is causing you this much angst in the first couple of months it's probably not worth it.
Registering on dating sites to try and spot him etc, not a promising start.

crazyhorses3 · 12/08/2017 15:25

i think you are being overly demanding. I feel exhausted just reading about it. Don't you both have interests of your own and other friends? Give him some space or you will lose him. He will just feel under more pressure and will back off. Make sure you are out with friends or doing things for yourself, and don't always phone him. Perhaps sometimes he just wants an evening to himself, without contact. You aren't married!

SparklingRaspberry · 12/08/2017 15:38

I don't live with my dp

On the days we don't see each other we text in the evening. If it's more than 2 days we'll usually have a phone call but it's not the end of the world if we don't as we will still text

I would not be happy if he was going days and not contacting me at all. I've said this before and I'll say it again. He would've found time to have a shit, he could've text you then. It takes 10 seconds to send a message

golfin · 12/08/2017 15:39

Of course he's pulled back, of course he's checking out other women on dating sites. He still wants to keep you as an option though.

You're not stupid OP, you know the score.

I can't believe how many posters, mostly women, tie themselves up in knots trying to explain "off" behaviour. If he wanted to contact you he would, he did it with ease when it suited him.

Ellie56 · 12/08/2017 16:45

I think I would stop contacting him, sit back and see what happens. If he doesn't bother getting in touch you have your answer.

LonginesPrime · 12/08/2017 16:59

I really don't know what to think.

OP, it feels like you don't want to believe what your instincts are telling you.

Lots of people would have walked away after he stopped contacting you, but you accepted his excuses. Ditto when you found out he'd been on the OLD website. But instead, you showed him you had proof he'd been on there (which he obviously knew already!), as if you were inviting him to come up with an excuse and continue the charade that he likes you as much as you like him.

I think it is a bit needy to be checking up on him online and for him to have felt the need to prove to you that he'd cancelled his OLD subscription with a screenshot. If two people are ready to be exclusive, not trusting each other and needing proof of this is a little odd, IMO.

By chasing him like this, you're signalling to him that you're there to be played, so obviously he's going to keep you on the back burner for sex/fun/whatever as OLD with 3 kids is hard so if he knows you're a pushover, he doesn't have to make the effort. Sorry Flowers.

BatFaceGal · 12/08/2017 17:16

Oh come on OP! Wake up and smell the coffee here

I'm really sorry but this man just isn't particularly into you. He's just not and you KNOW this, hence all the needy type clingy feelings it's brought out in you

A previous post by Trolls has it spot on. Almost word for word I agree with her. He liked you, he liked the thrill of the chase and before the shagging or regular meetings, it was all exciting to speak for hours etc . Once he'd met you and spent time with you he realised it wasn't for him and he's keen to keep you on a low key back burner whilst he casts his net around looking for something that may be more to his liking

It sucks. It's definitely not you. It's just how it is. You've fallen for him and he's not feeling the same way which is his prerogative. You can't rescue this one so wish him all the best and block him. Honestly you will regret it if you carry on believing all the lines he will feed you and waiting around for the little crumbs of attention he may or may not throw you

Don't be that person. Don't prolong the agony. He doesn't feel the same way as you and that should be all you need to know to gather up your self respect and move on . Anything else would be foolish

Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt · 12/08/2017 17:16

Longines is bang on

BatFaceGal · 12/08/2017 17:18

Golfing also spot on. Just stop trying to make excuses for him. His son had his phone so he couldn't use it much? LOL

LesisMiserable · 12/08/2017 17:18

The question is, if you carry on seeing him, are you going to chill out about phone stuff and relax? I don't think you are and you've kind of broached something now by the whole checking OLD for him....I think it might be a bit screwed either way. My advice stands.

Viviennemary · 12/08/2017 17:30

He sounds like a bit of a chancer to me I'm afraid. That strange tale about the online dating profile and cancelling his subscription and not knowing how he could have got a message. Red flags. And wouldn't believe the tale about working full time and having sole care of three children. Where's the partner in all this.

golfin · 12/08/2017 17:36

I know it's hard OP, but this is him, it's no reflection on you.

Some of the loveliest women I know have put up with this crap from men, men who by the way were nowhere good enough for them in the first place.

grobagsforever · 12/08/2017 18:02

I work long hours and two kids 100 percent of the time (both under 7). I absolutely couldn't bear the obligation to phone someone everyday. Some days I don't even text my boyfriend. Some days he doesn't respond to my texts til the next day. We're both very busy and introverted so it works for us.

Back off, give him space. You'll have your answer soon enough. But yes, I consider an expectation to speak on the phone everyday needy.

justcanthide · 12/08/2017 19:13

So would you be seeing him this weekend op?

golfin · 12/08/2017 20:58

You OK Belle?

SummerflowerXx · 12/08/2017 21:03

I agree with what Trolls says near the start of the thread. He has hooked you in and now he will be the one pulling the strings if you keep chasing him to get back to the level of attention he gave you at the start. Definitely pull back.

If he has time to check if his profile is hidden Hmm, he has time to contact you.

Original poster
WildBelle · 12/08/2017 21:29

Yeah I'm ok, thanks. It was good to talk to him and clear the air. He phoned again this afternoon just for a chat, I think he's paranoid now that I expect him to call all the time, which I don't!

Not seeing him this weekend, he's got his kids (he really has, before anyone suggests he's making it up). Will see him early next week when they are with their mum.

OP posts:
Original poster
WildBelle · 12/08/2017 21:37

Also I feel I bit of a twat, and like maybe I did massively overreact to not speaking to him for a couple of days. I don't always expect that in relationships btw, they all have their own dynamic, but 'our normal' had been to speak everyday even from before we met, so I started freaking out that something was wrong.

I think that stems from a relationship I had a couple of years ago where I fell completely in love with someone (which is very rare for me) who was shit at contact and I was always kept guessing about where I stood. In the end I dumped him because the insecurity of it was driving me nuts.

Also I was in a mega abusive relationship with someone (my dd's dad) who psychologically tortured me and lied about literally everything, it was that bad I had a book published about what happened. So that's left its emotional scars too and I don't start from a place of fully trusting people from the offset, hence why I felt the need to check up on him I guess. I can trust people, it just takes a while these days.

I realise a lot of this is my stuff.

OP posts:
user1488575338 · 12/08/2017 21:45

It's totally your call. I understand where you're coming from regarding trust issues, I'm the same but I also believe in gut instinct so please don't ignore it. If you don't want to walk away then take a step back, keep your guard up and see where it goes.

golfin · 12/08/2017 21:59

I second what user148 says. Good luck Belle.

Original poster
WildBelle · 12/08/2017 22:05

Definitely will be keeping my guard up, I think it's wise to do that given my previous experiences! He is really lovely and has proven to me a few times already that I can rely on him when it counts, I think he's a good one.

OP posts:
lunaysol3828 · 12/08/2017 22:26

You want undivided attention and he has 3 children. This is not going to work.