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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I being needy or is this a bit crap?

169 replies

WildBelle · 11/08/2017 23:40

Been seeing a guy I met OLD for a couple of months. Really like him, he ticks far more of my boxes than anyone else I've met. We chatted on the phone for a few weeks before we had a chance to meet up, and we'd end up chatting for hours most nights, I think 4 was the record! After we met, and it was all systems go, we carried on chatting every night without fail for a good while.

Maybe 2/3 weeks ago contact seemed to die out a bit. We'd still whatsapp a few times a day, but phone calls turned into more like every other day, and would generally be a lot shorter. I started getting paranoid that he wasn't as keen but when we saw each other (usually a couple of times a week) things were just as amazing as they were before and I thought maybe I was being daft.

We went away for a few days and got back on Wednesday, and I haven't spoken to him since then. The reason we don't speak so much now is that his dd likes him to lie with her while she goes to sleep, and then he ends up falling asleep too.

I know he's got a lot on his plate (he's on his own with 3 kids most of the time and working full time), so he's knackered. I also know that the level of talking we did - hours every night - isn't sustainable long term. But to me it's important that we speak every day, even if it's just a catch up for a few minutes, and I try to make sure that happens, but it seems like more often than not now he's already passed out. He's said to me that to him, relationships are every day things, and if you can't see each other then you need to at least talk, but it seems that's not happening.

Do you think I'm being unreasonable in my expectations here? I worry that I like him more than he likes me and that can only end badly for me.

OP posts:
ChickenBhuna · 12/08/2017 22:36

She didn't say she wanted his undivided attention. She just wanted a response to her messages.

BatFaceGal · 12/08/2017 22:40

You're fooling yourself here so be wary. This man has lied to you and that's apparent. He logged into a dating site and you caught him out. Deep down you know this

Fudgit · 12/08/2017 22:53

Unfortunately, in the past when I've given the benefit of the doubt with things like this I've always ended up feeling like a fool. That gut feeling that things aren't right is almost always spot on. People can be so good at making up excuses, and I feel sad at how cynical I've become in a way, because I suppose his explanation could be true but I'm just not buying it at all.

Of course four-hour-a-night phone calls aren't sustainable but you've just gone away together and you've felt a definite cooling off afterwards. It's not in your head OP. I think at the very least he's considering other options, and making excuses because he doesn't want to come across like a dick. Sorry to say Sad

IfNot · 13/08/2017 11:32

If you believe him then it's not an issue, although I think if a relationship is causing you this much angst in the first couple of months it's probably not worth it.

To be fair I think OP is causing herself angst! There's no pointment trying to analyse and management behaviour.
Just get on with your life-genuinely-and if he wants you as much as you want him he will make it happen. You can't force things.

IfNot · 13/08/2017 11:37

Bloody weird autocorrect!

bluediamonds · 13/08/2017 11:41

I'm a single parent to 3 DC and I work too. More often than not I don't have time for lengthy conversations.
My youngest DC also likes me to go to bed at the same time, and sometimes, try as I might, I do fall asleep.

OliviaStabler · 15/08/2017 12:21

I'd wait and see if you have plans to meet up as suggested last week. That will tell you a lot I think.

DaisyBD · 15/08/2017 13:10

It's not about whether someone with three children and a full time job has time for four-hour conversations - obviously no-one does on a regular basis. As far as I can see it's the fact that he did have time and then suddenly didn't have time that was bothering the OP.

Belle please don't waste any more time on this guy. He's lied to you already, he's making up feeble excuses for not being in touch (his son had his phone all the time? really? you think if he was keen he'd risk upsetting you by not taking his phone from his son for the 30 seconds it would take to text you AND TELL before you got upset about it?).

I'm so sorry, he's not one of the good ones. He likes having you on the back burner, and now that he's worked out how much shit you'll take from him there'll be plenty more for you in store. Flowers

scottishdiem · 15/08/2017 13:36

"I replied by saying I'm getting used to it."

This isnt a great thing to be honest. If he is back looking at other people he may be realising things went too fast and too demanding. If I had three kids and a full time job and I apologised and this was the response I'd got I would be back on the market.

WildBelle · 16/08/2017 14:57

We saw each other Monday night and last night and it's all good I think. he's now got the dc until Sunday or Monday (or whenever his ex deems it the right time to actually see her dc) so won't see him again until then. To be fair to him, he couldn't get here until 9pm last night because he had the kids until then, we went out for dinner then erm...stayed up quite late, then he had to get up at 6.30am to take his eldest to a sports tournament after 4 hours sleep, so he does seem to be doing all he can to spend time with me. He's just really busy all the time with 3dc who all have time consuming hobbies and interests, and his ex is shit (her contribution to parenting this week is having them for a whole 24 hours!). I guess I need to accept that there's not going to be much time for me if we stay together.

OP posts:
pictish · 16/08/2017 16:39

Yes...that sounds about right. Three kids = very limited spare time/always knackered.

LesisMiserable · 16/08/2017 18:14

By accept do you genuinely mean not be needy? If so I think it can work.

WildBelle · 19/08/2017 12:50

I genuinely mean not be needy. I've really been trying on that front, but since I saw him on Tuesday we've had two very brief phone calls, one when he was driving and one when he had all his dc with him so it was more listening to them talking to him than having a conversation. Seems like having an uninterrupted chat in the evenings is a thing of the past now. I know he's really busy, but I think maybe he's just too busy for a relationship. He has the kids every single weekend, it would be nice to go out for a couple of drinks or the cinema or something sometimes at the weekend but that can't ever happen. Feel really sad about it, I really, really like him but a couple of whatsapp messages a day and seeing each other for a few hours late at night once or twice a week isn't much of a relationship. But to get back to not being needy, I haven't been, and when he has got in touch I've been cheerful with him. Just not sure if what he can offer is enough for me, although the thought of not being with him is really upsetting.

OP posts:
Teddy7878 · 19/08/2017 12:56

How old are his kids? Maybe it will get a bit easier for him when they become a bit older as they'll be able to be out with friends etc at weekends more

WildBelle · 19/08/2017 12:59

His youngest is only 7 so that's a little way off yet.

OP posts:
Teddy7878 · 19/08/2017 13:03

Guess you'll need to decide if you can handle the current situation for another 5 years or so, or if it will start to send you insane. Think I'd have to really, really love someone to be in that situation long term. Like you, I'd want to be able to do things that couples do when they are dating like go to the cinema, even if it was just once a fortnight

user1490465531 · 19/08/2017 13:35

A single dad with 3 kids would have me running for the hills but that's just me!

runningintothelight · 19/08/2017 14:29

Ok I'm sorry to be blunt , but this guy is not right for you.

His kids will always come first ... always . And that's the way it should be. If you can't seem to understand that weekends won't be free or he doesn't have time to text or call because he's looking after his kids , then you need to find someone who doesn't have kids.

I just started seeing someone who has two kids , and I totally know my boundaries. I know that when he's with them , I don't expect a text or call because he's probably run ragged or enjoying their company, without the need to be bombarded . If he finds time , he'll text me the odd text here or there , but I certainly don't expect it.

WildBelle · 19/08/2017 14:44

I know his kids will and should come first. But that doesn't leave a lot of scope for a relationship as he has them pretty much all the time! His ex has pretty much buggered off without a backwards glance.

OP posts:
runningintothelight · 19/08/2017 14:52

Then he's not right for you as he can't give you the time you want !

rosabug · 20/08/2017 15:21

He's got 3 kids and he works full-time?? Give the guy some slack. If I were him you would start to get on my nerves. And if I found out you'd posted on mumsnet about it ?? Goddbye!!

...bit harsh I know - but seriously cool it, or he will get sick...all successful relationships need space.

Farontothemaddingcrowd · 20/08/2017 15:35

That made me feel a bit cheap user. As a single mum of 3 I'm glad my boyfriend didn't run for the hills!

Farontothemaddingcrowd · 20/08/2017 15:36

A bit crap. Not cheap.

JustDontGetItAtAll · 20/08/2017 16:07

Sorry, but if he felt that spark, that chemistry then he would WANT to message you more than he has. I've been absolutely shattered and drifting off to sleep before but found myself quickly messaging a guy I was seeing. I ended up staying awake for hours because I couldn't help myself. Upshot is, if he genuinely wanted to, he would. Applies to everyone I think...

runningintothelight · 20/08/2017 16:14

I agree .

He would make more effort . I've stayed up way later than I always intend to if I like a guy just to chat to hm