Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I being needy or is this a bit crap?

169 replies

WildBelle · 11/08/2017 23:40

Been seeing a guy I met OLD for a couple of months. Really like him, he ticks far more of my boxes than anyone else I've met. We chatted on the phone for a few weeks before we had a chance to meet up, and we'd end up chatting for hours most nights, I think 4 was the record! After we met, and it was all systems go, we carried on chatting every night without fail for a good while.

Maybe 2/3 weeks ago contact seemed to die out a bit. We'd still whatsapp a few times a day, but phone calls turned into more like every other day, and would generally be a lot shorter. I started getting paranoid that he wasn't as keen but when we saw each other (usually a couple of times a week) things were just as amazing as they were before and I thought maybe I was being daft.

We went away for a few days and got back on Wednesday, and I haven't spoken to him since then. The reason we don't speak so much now is that his dd likes him to lie with her while she goes to sleep, and then he ends up falling asleep too.

I know he's got a lot on his plate (he's on his own with 3 kids most of the time and working full time), so he's knackered. I also know that the level of talking we did - hours every night - isn't sustainable long term. But to me it's important that we speak every day, even if it's just a catch up for a few minutes, and I try to make sure that happens, but it seems like more often than not now he's already passed out. He's said to me that to him, relationships are every day things, and if you can't see each other then you need to at least talk, but it seems that's not happening.

Do you think I'm being unreasonable in my expectations here? I worry that I like him more than he likes me and that can only end badly for me.

OP posts:
Oakleygirl · 20/08/2017 16:15

Another way you could look at it OP is that he feels more secure and relaxed about your relationship now, so he doesn't place so much importance on texting/calling you everyday like he did in the beginning?
Hope this helps you feel less anxious.

SmartyPants0 · 20/08/2017 16:29

My partner and I always call each other on the way home from work, handsfree of course and catch up with each others day then. Would this be possible for you both

Farontothemaddingcrowd · 20/08/2017 16:40

I agree he would message more if he wanted to. I used to make excuses for my ex who didn't message much. The upshot was, he didn't love me and he was using me. But his actions revealed that sooner than his words did. I just wasn't ready, or perhaps more accurately, I wasn't willing to listen. In contrast, my bf now was texting and calling me from a stag do telling me how much he loves me.
Don't settle. Yes it is busy having dc (I have 3) but you do reassure someone you are into if you are really keen.

user1488575338 · 20/08/2017 21:38

Agree with justdont - I think he's passing time. He's just not that into you. Harsh I know.

WildBelle · 24/08/2017 23:42

Well turns out he is a massive cunt after all. Had a few heart to hearts with him over the last week or so, and spent some really nice time together. It really felt to me like things had stepped up a gear and I decided that I liked him (maybe even loved him?) enough to put up with not seeing him much because we had such a good connection.

Anyway, turns out that he's still on Plenty of Fish and OK Cupid, POF he was online today, OK Cupid on the 12th August. Sent him screenshots and my bank details so he can send me the money he owes me. Haven't had any reply/excuses. Guess I'm not even worth that.

OP posts:
Mintychoc1 · 25/08/2017 09:05

I'm sorry to hear that. Predictable but still sad for you. How much money does he owe you?

WildBelle · 25/08/2017 10:06

Not masses, about £100. Had a message from him this morning saying it was the same as GSM and he'd only logged in to the sites because he was getting notifications and wanted to delete the accounts. But didn't delete the accounts?!

OP posts:
Mintychoc1 · 25/08/2017 10:18

So how do you feel now? This relationship certainly isn't easy. What made you check POF and OKC? Did you have suspicions?

meyourelookingfor · 25/08/2017 10:41

I have only just read your thread. Reading through it was clear this guy has love bombed you! I have had similar experiences.

I was OLD a few years ago and briefly dated this guy (as you have) who acted in the same manner making me doubt myself. The bottom line is this; if he wants to speak to you and make time for you he will. That is with all other commitments taking into account.

The fact he has used his children to excuse this behaviour is disgusting in my book. That wasn't a problem on the 4 hour chats. Which he is now clearly doing with someone else and keeping you on the back burner.

Shortly after being love bombed by said asshole, I met my current OH. He works full time and I must admit I was a little paranoid at one point at the start of the relationship regarding contact. It lasted 48 hours and he put my mind at rest and we worked together to come up with the amount of contact that worked for us both. We are going away for our 3rd anniversary next month.

Life is too short for screenshots. Draw a line under it and move on. Forget the £100. Block him. Take care of yourself.

LesisMiserable · 25/08/2017 14:34

Please dont give/lend money to people after only a couple of months of seeing them. I've a feeling you paid his share of going away? Anyway. Onwards, upwards, please dont let this experience make you more wary/needy. He obviously isn't serious about you thats fair enough, but he needs to pay you back and stop contact with you now as l feel you'll carry on seeing him regardless and I dont think that's what is really good for you.

GotToGetMyFingerOut · 25/08/2017 14:53

Of course that's not why he logged on. And chances are the stories about his ex hardly taking the kids is nonsense and the nights he didn't call and fell asleep. He was actually talking for hours, or out with, someone else.

UnicornsRock · 25/08/2017 15:28

sorry to hear this. Agree that he lovebombed you. Sadly IME when its so full-on from the start, its not a good omen. Its almost certainly nothing that you have done, more him panicking that he has raised your expectations of a proper relationship or he has enjoyed the ego massage and moved onto the next victim.

Try and look on the positive, that you didn't waste more time (and more money) on him.

Beat him at his own game and get onto POF and OKC and find someone else!

good luck x

Mrsjohnmurphy · 25/08/2017 16:16

Sorry it ended this way, it's frigging awful isn't it. Chin up chick

RonSwansonsMoustache · 25/08/2017 16:35

Aww OP, I'm sorry. What a dick.

I don't think you'll get your money - just chalk it up to experience, block him and move on. And like a PP said, please don't spend money on someone so early on in a relationship unless you can afford to and are completely happy to do so without being paid back.

Lots of people get into relationships just to "be with someone" and are quite happy to take their money/time without giving much back themselves. By all means pay your way/treat them to something, but don't expect people you barely know to pay you back or even be decent about things like that.

WildBelle · 25/08/2017 18:23

He's been messaging me today wanting to meet up, don't really think there's a lot to say though. His story just doesn't add up. Feeling pretty sad about it all :(

OP posts:
user1488575338 · 25/08/2017 19:27

Wild - I will say the same as I said before, trust your gut instinct. You gave him the benefit of the doubt however it's not worked out as planned. Dust yourself off, put it down to experience and move on.

meyourelookingfor · 25/08/2017 20:27

You will feel sad.

One way to forget this arsehole is plan a few treats for you. Just for you. Be kind to yourself.

littlebird7 · 25/08/2017 20:34

I think you need to get used to being second best, his children are his first priority, followed by his job. There is no way a father in that position will have the time and energy for calling and messaging every day. If you like him support him in ways that will help. Cook them all dinner, offer to help with things, be strong and independent. That is what he will be looking for, not another hassle

littlebird7 · 25/08/2017 20:38

So sorry op just read your update. What a total loser. At least you know you gut instinct is alive and well.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread