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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I being needy or is this a bit crap?

169 replies

WildBelle · 11/08/2017 23:40

Been seeing a guy I met OLD for a couple of months. Really like him, he ticks far more of my boxes than anyone else I've met. We chatted on the phone for a few weeks before we had a chance to meet up, and we'd end up chatting for hours most nights, I think 4 was the record! After we met, and it was all systems go, we carried on chatting every night without fail for a good while.

Maybe 2/3 weeks ago contact seemed to die out a bit. We'd still whatsapp a few times a day, but phone calls turned into more like every other day, and would generally be a lot shorter. I started getting paranoid that he wasn't as keen but when we saw each other (usually a couple of times a week) things were just as amazing as they were before and I thought maybe I was being daft.

We went away for a few days and got back on Wednesday, and I haven't spoken to him since then. The reason we don't speak so much now is that his dd likes him to lie with her while she goes to sleep, and then he ends up falling asleep too.

I know he's got a lot on his plate (he's on his own with 3 kids most of the time and working full time), so he's knackered. I also know that the level of talking we did - hours every night - isn't sustainable long term. But to me it's important that we speak every day, even if it's just a catch up for a few minutes, and I try to make sure that happens, but it seems like more often than not now he's already passed out. He's said to me that to him, relationships are every day things, and if you can't see each other then you need to at least talk, but it seems that's not happening.

Do you think I'm being unreasonable in my expectations here? I worry that I like him more than he likes me and that can only end badly for me.

OP posts:
WildBelle · 12/08/2017 11:59

I'll look really stalky if I call him now! He has seen my message...I'm not going to call him.

OP posts:
user1488575338 · 12/08/2017 12:00

Go with your gut feeling on this. It would have taken 2 seconds to send a reply regardless if he has the kids with him or not. All the contact at the start has set you up for expectations, to me it sounds like he is pulling back.

WildBelle · 12/08/2017 12:04

That is my gut feeling too :(

OP posts:
LesisMiserable · 12/08/2017 12:05

Asking him where you stand because you've had a day with slightly less messaging is needy with a capital N and my express advice is don't do it. You said you are feeling a little paranoid....you need to reign that in. It sounds like the change has timed perfectly with the school holidays... I dont think this is about you and I dont think he's done anything wrong. Perhaps you need more attention than he can give right now buts thats your issue not his. You've just been away together but you're still thirsting for more attention...I think you need to get some perspective and either be kind to him , (not snarky ie "I'm getting used to it" ) text or let it go.

user1488575338 · 12/08/2017 12:15

Lesis - i can see your point, but I'm going on past experience and you just kind of know yourself when someone is pulling back.

caffeinestream · 12/08/2017 12:20

Just ring him and talk. People don't answer texts for a variety of reasons - including forgetting or just getting distracted.

If he has three kids to look after he's probably busy enough as it is. Ring him and if he doesn't answer, leave him a message and then let him get back to you when he's ready.

If you're not happy, by all means end it and find someone who has more time, but I don't think he's necessarily doing anything wrong. It's still early days.

Hallomiaddicted · 12/08/2017 12:24

I would delete his number and wait for him to get in touch with an explanation.

Polichinelle · 12/08/2017 12:24

I don't find it strange that you found 4 hours a day to talk at the beginning. I did that with DP, as we were both so excited that we simply didn't sleep. After a few weeks, things became more normal. We couldn't survive on 3 hours sleep a day for very long, so we started exchanging just a few messages a day.

JK1773 · 12/08/2017 12:27

Gosh this is all a bit full on for such early days. I don't speak to my DP every day, wouldn't want to. He's busy, I'm busy. Gives us more to talk about when we meet up. Take your foot off the gas. Sounds like if you have had a 'stand off' that's game playing. Why bother? How exhausting

loveyoutothemoon · 12/08/2017 12:37

Why does it matter who texts first? It's just naturally slowed down and you're thinking too much of it, you'll end up pushing him away.

At some point though, not today, talk about where you stand.

PollyPelargonium52 · 12/08/2017 12:43

I don't think u realise men like to disappear into their cave and mean nothing by it.

They are like a rubber band - give him space - and he will seek you out more enthusiastic than ever. If you chase him he will go cool.

Read 'Men are from Mars' book etc.

NachoAddict · 12/08/2017 12:45

Are you sure he is separated from his ex? Contact during weekdays and 'falling asleep at night say to me that it is too risky to call you when he is at home. Especially if he has ignored you on a Saturday when the family would be spending time together.

Teddy7878 · 12/08/2017 12:48

My OH and I text non stop during the first month of our relationship. Like literally a text every 10 mins all day long as we were so excited by each other. That obviously wasn't sustainable as we both have busy full time jobs and lives to be getting on with. It has naturally slowed down to about 3 a day now and means we have more to talk about. We don't live together but see each other 3-4 times per week and it works for us. Even though I know he enjoyed all the texting at the beginning, I think it would have done his head in after a while because of how busy he is. Sometimes the excitement goes but the feelings remain. Maybe he just feels more relaxed and settled with you now. Definitely broach it with him and just say something along the lines of 'I'm sure it's just because you've been busy but I've noticed you're not in touch as much anymore. Just wanted to check you're still interested'

DianaMitford · 12/08/2017 12:50

OP - in your situation I would honestly go completely silent and wait. It would be a massive overreaction to end things but a quiet withdrawal is really your only option.

From what you've said, he doesn't want to be with you. I know it's shit and hurtful but you need to take control of your own feelings so he can't.

I have been in this situation before and it was exhausting and horrible. And even if he comes back now with profuse apologies part of you will always be alert, waiting for him to do it again. Cut your losses and prepare to be single. It sounds like he's ghosting you and won't officially end things, he'll wait for you to become so incensed/upset by his behaviour that you walk away from him.

It's a horrible, horrible situation Flowers

LesisMiserable · 12/08/2017 12:54

Profusely apologises for what?!

IfNot · 12/08/2017 13:02

I dont think he's had time to ghost her! The man has 3 kids! And a job! Nobody can sustain that level of contact, can they?
I would say "you must chill!"
Wait and see how it pans out. Don't destroy something potentially good by being needy. Go out and do something else! Remember your life before you met him? Do that.

LonginesPrime · 12/08/2017 13:02

I think the hours of phone calls were bound to die out, OP, as I agree that was unsustainable long term.

That said, I'm a working single parent of 3, and although I often feel I'm constantly apologising for the late replies on OLD, if I really liked someone, I'd at least send them a 'holding message' telling them I'm not ignoring them but am busy with kids, etc.

notevernotnevernotnohow · 12/08/2017 13:04

Diana I think you are projecting your own issues. There is no evidence of anything you have said.

WildBelle · 12/08/2017 13:06

Well...here's an update.

Just registered to be able to search on a dating site I know he used. It's a paid one and not where I met him. He apparently cancelled his subscription last month...he sent me a screen shot of the cancellation so I know he did.

Anyway, just found him on there and he was online three days ago. The same day as we got back from our holiday.

I feel like I've been punched in the stomach. And like a twat :(

OP posts:
LesisMiserable · 12/08/2017 13:07

Before or after you were snarky in your text?

WildBelle · 12/08/2017 13:09

Before

OP posts:
WildBelle · 12/08/2017 13:10

And to be fair re the snarky text, he'd just messaged me to tell me he wasn't tired and that he would speak to me soon, and then fell asleep.

Or maybe he was just busy on GSM.

OP posts:
LesisMiserable · 12/08/2017 13:11

Fair do's.

Teddy7878 · 12/08/2017 13:13

Send him a message saying your friend has seen him on another dating site. Leave it at that and chalk it up to experience. OLD can be an absolute minefield and really depressing at times, but it can also be great so don't lose hope. He's clearly just not the one for you and there will be someone even more compatible just round the corner

ScarletForYa · 12/08/2017 13:14

he's on his own with 3 kids most of the time and working full time

Nah, he's married.