#3 He IS having an affair

[worldupsidedown]

Ok, here we go for round #3 in which we know DH is having an affair, and does not give a flying fuckof 25 years inc 19 years of marriage or respect for his LW and DD and now we try to establish what the hell thinks he's going to do next and hopefully learn about the YOWHLTF while trying to keep a calm and dignified posture

Legally, you cannot change the locks. BUT, if you 'break your key' in one lock and change that one only, he still has access through the other door as his key would still work. Now, if you go off and leave the chain on that door, well, we all forget things like that in a rush to get out the door at times, don't we? You have still followed the 'letter of the law'.

I think the repercussions of lock-changing all depends on the arsehole quotient of your stbx. Some wouldn't care as long as you let them in to get their stuff and aren't obstructing contact with DCs. Some would be arseholes even if you rolled out a red carpet (because they wanted a blue one) and had a footman open the door for them.

i wouldnt change the locks-- but I would do the putting stuff in his car thing!!

Don't change the locks. But you might feel safer with some extra internal bolts/latches as you adjust to your new single status.

Definitely load his car up

world have been reading your threads from day one, I’m in awe of how you are conducting yourself with dignity through a horrible situation which is none of your making .

A relative had an affair with a MYOW colleague, he was 52, walked out on his wife and two teenage children. Even though he was told by other colleagues and me (cousin) he was making a prat of himself dressing and behaving as if he was 20 years younger, he still carried on. He was very cold towards his wife and children, justified this to me by saying was the only way to keep his emotions in check when he was around them. When the affair became general knowledge in the company where he worked (he was in a senior position) his expenses were gone over with a fine tooth comb, MYOW had gone on “work” trips with him, he had a rap over the knuckles, she was moved elsewhere.

Good advice from honeyroar.

Find a young hot gardener to maintain the garden .

Just realised YOW is same age as my DD…….. don’t think I’d be happy.

I think you need to try and stop torturing yourself.

Stop going through his draws looking for things like he has taken his rings off. Or rummaging through his bag for evidence about what he has been up to.

You marriage is over. He has told you this and not even attempted to say he is not sure and needs time. You know he is a dirty, cheating skuzz with the morals of an alley cat.

More stuff will only hurt you. It will not affect him in the slightest and will not affect the outcome of the divorce/split.

If you change the locks, he can just get back in through a window or via a locksmith and changing them again, leaving you at a disadvantage.

If you put his stuff in the car, he can just cart it all back in again. Why put yourself out handling his stuff?

If you are not earning or have any independent funds do be careful as he may start paying the bare minimum with bills/mortgage etc and start being shitty about giving you any money or clearing your cards.

Just crack on with the legal side. Getting what you are entitled to and getting him out legally so he has no right to access the property. Then you can change the locks and get rid of any of his stuff that remains.

You're doing brilliantly

Good advice magoria

Queen - Don't Stop Me is a perfect song to put on repeat. It's just SO FUCKING HAPPY. There's also I Want to Break Free (from your lies you're so self satisfied I dont neeeeeeed youuu!), Another One Bites the Dust, Killer Queen (because why not)... Queen's upbeat songs are all pretty great for this.

Ben Folds - Landed is a good one about being thankful for the end of a bad relationship. It sounds pretty sad from the accompaniment, but the lyrics are freedom.

World, do you need to ask your lawyer about what is reasonable for ex-husband to spend on housing himself whilst you're going through the divorce? I think it would be useful to agree to a budget.

He doesn't want to live in a hovel but he also wants to get something in London which will be much more expensive than home counties where you live, especially on a short term basis. Surely there are guidelines on this?

But agree with pp it would be much more healthy for him to stay with his parents or a friend in the short term, it's not fair for him to create this situation then force you to live like that.

Don't Stop me Now is about a wanker - so even more suitable!!😀😀

The day I moved into my new home "sisters are doing it for themselves" was on the radio. Upbeat and so apt

What @magoria said x 1000.

You're doing fab. Just keep swimming....

De lurking. Just to say my friend went through something similar and the best therapy she had was playing Martha Wainwrights motherfucking arsehole song on full blast and belting out the chorus at the top of her voice. She did it every time her ex upset her or pissed her off. Got rid of all the stress and pent up anger.
I'm not sure where but I saw someone do something similar with the same song on a programme/ film I watched recently and instantly got what my friend was on about, it must be known as a song to help release the stresses.

I used to tell myself "just keep swimming" too, in a funny voice! Often in the car! Strangely, it kept me together when it was tough.

Definitely a good idea to add an extra bolt on the inside too - when you are in, you know no-one else can come in without knocking and asking to be let in (extremely satisfying...)

Song list?

"I Will Survive" by Gloria Gaynor. An old disco tune I sang at the top of my voice and danced around the living room to many a time during my divorce.

"We Are Family" by the Poynter Sisters. Not really a 'break up song' per se, but the lyrics made me picture myself amongst the ranks of 'The Sisterhood', women who were facing a 'new life', either of their own choosing or because the men in their lives turned out to be shit.

"You Oughta Know" by Alanis Morrisette got me through a vile break-up with my ex.

I agree with Magoria too. Don't go looking for other evidence. You have all you need to know. Just get him out and get the divorce sorted as fast as possible.

Just to give another perspective on it, I think perhaps looking for evidence is part of trying to make sense of what has happened to you. I just HAD to know as much as possible and yes it hurt like hell but it also made me realise what a monster I had been living with and that I would never ever want him back. I found all sorts of evidence relating to other affairs he'd had and it made a lot of things that I hadn't understood at the time fall into place. It made me angry too and that gave me the strength to carry on and to fight the various ridiculous proposals that he put forward about splitting assets, child custody etc. Had I not realised the full extent of his infidelity and deceit I think I'd have taken far longer to get over the break up.

By no means am I suggesting that looking for evidence is the way forward for everyone but maybe for some of us it's just what we have to do as part of adjusting to the new reality.

Agree with Bathsheba. Tbf it's a recent split and OP is still coming to terms with her new reality and because she cannot get answers from her DH, she's obviously trying to piece it together herself. However, Chumplady lady talks about this scenario and calls it 'The Skein of Fuckedupness'! Go have a look!

Another song is Stronger by Christina Aguilara.
The words are so meaningful for me.
im definitely much stronger now.

To add to positive songs for getting over a breakup a slightly guilty pleasure is 'Irreplaceable', Beyonce Absolutely no sad music allowed change radio station immediately if they start playing Adele, for example. Another nice upbeat one and cool video especially if you are a dog lover

m.youtube.com/watch?v=my7sxZ0KfHU

I love this song, makes me laugh every time. A bit childish but who cares

Re him getting a flat, I'm guessing he'll need to spend around £2.5K a month on rent and bills, possibly more as he doesn't want to rent a cheap place, plus (for the time being) whatever it costs to run the marital home, child maintenance and some money for World. Does that sound sustainable World?

Omg! @Iwouldlike that's one of his favourite videos, he loves that band's videos!

So to sum up the since yesterday.

DD told me exFDH texted her again 'thinking of you x' she hasn't replied, he 'disgusts' her. No contact from him to me either, no surprise, I could be suicidal for all he knows

He came home about 9:45, I was just going to bed. I didn't see him, he just went straight to his room. Then I panicked, couldn't find my note pad for of thoughts, info and notes.

I washed my hair and dried it nicely, I might see if I can have some new layers put in next time I get my roots done.

Don't know if I mentioned but I do have an amazing exclusive event in London to attend in a few weeks, it a 'Listening Party' for the launch of my favourite artists new album, I've been a fan since I was a teenager. He'll be there of course. I bought the ticket a couple of years ago, it cost loads, I mean £100s but I used some of the money I inherited from my dad a short while earlier and decided as he had never done anything for me in my life then this opportunity would be something, a once in a lifetime opportunity. I got the announcement emailed earlier this week and last night I booked myself an apartment nearby for the night, sod it, if he can spend our money on her with experience restaurants and private apartment and weekend in Athens then I can have one bloody night for myself! - maybe I might get 'lucky'!

I woke up last night with something crawling on me! In the darkness I frantically brushed whatever it was away then turned on the light and peered over the floor, then I saw it, sitting on the corner of the bedfame FUCKING BIG SPIDER!! I thumped the frame and it dropped onto the floor and ran into the corner of the room. It was big but not as big as the on I saw running around the night before. Isn't it a bit early for spiders coming in? The little big buggers come in to mate. The thought that my bedroom is becoming a spider fuck boudoir is unnerving.

It was 2am and after that I couldn't get to sleep. Started to look online for something to wear at the party. The one saving grace of this shitty time is the potential weight loss.

Radio 2 is doing its best to play me appropriate music today, and even on thought for the day